Woman sets fire to estranged husband’s apartment

Glad he wasn't at home.

Basically, Japanese wives want all the man's salary so that they pay him back pocket money. Anything less than that will cause their fury. My ex attacked me with a hammer, and yes, she did arson too. But police fully ignored her actions because I was a foreigner. Now there is a national scandal on them lol

Lots of psychos in Japan. Be careful who you shack up with.

nedinjapan - Basically, Japanese wives want all the man's salary so that they pay him back pocket money. Anything less than that will cause their fury. My ex attacked me with a hammer, and yes, she did arson too. But police fully ignored her actions because I was a foreigner.

It's amazing how often I hear about similar stories. I went through one with my ex too. The day after we got married she told me to give her my credit and bank cards and to have my salary paid into her account. I refused, of course and things pretty well went downhill from day one.

Basically, Japanese wives want all the man's salary so that they pay him back pocket money.

That depends on the wife and the family.

Lots of psychos in Japan. Be careful who you shack up with.

I'm not sure why you would think that this is a Japan-only issue. There are lots of psychos in literally every country on this planet.

I of course would also refuse to turn over my financial 'life' to my Japanese wife. The stereotype of the Japanese wife wanting to control all the assets simply doesn't apply to our marriage. We both just behave in what I think is a relatively responsible financial way, i.e. spend less than we earn.

I guess I should have been born Japanese... One of the "conditions" for our marriage was that I should continue working afterwards... (I was going to do so anyway...)

Personally and honestly, in order to build trust in a marriage, would not giving your finances over to your better half be the one of the most effective and earnest steps?

Perhaps we all need a bit more cultural empathy at times as well, especially in marriage. We must all have situations that differ I'm sure, but for a great many it may be well for us to take hold of this concept. Peace on the seven seas!

I'm not sure why you would think that this is a Japan-only issue. There are lots of psychos in literally every country on this planet.

Yes there are psychos in every country. But since I live here, my only concern is the psychos here.

Personally and honestly, in order to build trust in a marriage, would not giving your finances over to your better half be the one of the most effective and earnest steps?

It depends. There is no single solution that will be effective for all marriages. In some couples, one or the other of the partners is much better/worse than the other when it comes to money. In some couples both are working, with different types of expenditures, that would make turning over all the money not make sense. And there are other considerations as well.

I see, you saw another chance to bash Japan for something not Japan-specific. Because you are only concerned with bashing Japan.

Nope. But what I do see is you saw another chance to troll. Because you are only concerned with trolling.

in order to build trust in a marriage, would not giving your finances over to your better half be the one of the most effective and earnest steps?

You don't pool finances in order to build trust in a marriage, you are able to pool finances because there is trust in the marriage.

If there is no trust, then that problem needs to be addressed before any financial arrangements can be tackled.

Marriage isn't a 50-50 deal, it's 110-110.

That sounds more like buying trust than building it, especially if your "better half" isn't shovelling any of her income into your bank account.

What if your spouse's contribution to the relationship is non-financial? My wife contributes as much if not more to our marriage than I do, yet her financial contribution is essentially zero. In such a relationship, is handing over the paycheck to the person who handles the home finances buying trust? I think not, and Cleo sums up why:

You don't pool finances in order to build trust in a marriage, you are able to pool finances because there is trust in the marriage.

Am always stunned by stories like this as well as the 'same here/ me too' comments.

Weren't there 'warning' signs, pretty much from day 1, that you were about to marry a lunatic who would soon want to control your finances? I don't think Keiko Matsumoto turned into a nutta in the last couple of years. I think 'some' blokes just attract this kind of women.

Woman sets fire to estranged husband’s apartment

And my ex wonders why I refuse her repeated demands to know my new address.

The idea of one person taking over the other's paycheck is a bit odd, to be honest. However, I understand people do it, and that it can work, and that it's a Japanese custom. I just find the idea that it "builds trust" completely weird, and I don't accept it.

I don't know that it builds trust either, rather it just shows that the trust exists.

And since the word was brought up, I may as well point out that the price of trust for a man in Japan can be losing their kids, their money, and their property to the wife - and that's after years of dutifully passing over the paycheck and eking out an existence outside the home on the 35,000 yen a month that is "given" back to them.

Well, it can go the other way too. It's a possibility when two people get married. Which is why it requires trust, on both sides, to work.

the price of trust for a man in Japan can be losing their kids, their money, and their property to the wife - and that's after years of dutifully passing over the paycheck

If the thought /possibility of losing their kids, their money, and their property to the wife is floating around anywhere, maybe trust isn't getting much of a look-in in the first place. Bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy. For me, that sullen 'dutifully' would ring warning bells.

I handle all the finances in our house, like a good Japanese wife. Mr cleo I'm sure, has little to no idea how much money we have (or don't have). And it doesn't seem to bother him in the least, so long as the house/car don't get repossessed, the utilities don't get turned off and there is food on the table. If (giant, massive, humongous IF) we ever split up though, since most of the accounts are in his name (easier when he was the sole breadwinner, never saw the need to change) I'd be the one with very little to my name legally.

I trust him not to do the dirty. Silly me?

I handle all the finances in our house, like a good Japanese wife. Mr cleo I'm sure, has little to no idea how much money we have (or don't have). And it doesn't seem to bother him in the least, so long as the house/car don't get repossessed, the utilities don't get turned off and there is food on the table. If (giant, massive, humongous IF) we ever split up though, since most of the accounts are in his name (easier when he was the sole breadwinner, never saw the need to change) I'd be the one with very little to my name legally.

That's mainly how things work in our house as well, though I know slightly more about where our finances are at than it sounds like Mr. Cleo does.

Am always stunned by stories like this as well as the 'same here/ me too' comments. Weren't there 'warning' signs, pretty much from day 1, that you were about to marry a lunatic who would soon want to control your finances?

NO, NO SIGN AT ALL. Actually everything was pretty normal back home until we got married and decided to live in Japan. She came first, followed her 3 months later, just to find a total stranger, crazily demanding my money from WEEK 1 when I didn't even have a stable job yet in this place. 6 months was all I could bear with that lunatic. p.s.: she has her own clothes shop, stays the whole day out and doesn't know how to fry an egg.

well the biggest issue of international marriage in japan is money .to avoid this problem before marrying a Japanese . because of culture differences . you need to raise the topic about how the future will be. especially how much you can give her monthly or you can ask your wife ... she most tell you ...when baby come the money most change. i think she will understand and thats the rule. unless if her family get involved later then problems may arise .

nice practise/custom in nihon. if it is true that nihonjin wife takesl husband's sal and pays pocket money as she has to take care of family. it's all for welfare of family which is supreme in japanese socity

He refused to give her Pachinko money.

Thanks for your reply thunderbird.

In my own experience, I haven't noticed any prevalence for such behavior among J women. A few friends met such 'dragons' in europe, oz or china/thailand but not Japan. I tend to think they aren't 'that' many around but that they spend their life preying gullible/ 'too nice'/ vulnerable men who are perhaps easily blinded by love and accept the 'in my country men treat their women like this I.e give them all their money' bs these women often come up with.

That's why I think international relationships are perhaps primary targets/ hunting grounds. But I just don't see it as a 'J women only' issue (I actually think J women are more honest/sincere/naive than most but again its just my own limited experience).

My wife, who is NOT Japanese, tried that "give me your pay" bit, but I refused from the start. (We both work and have bills to pay) Every once in a while, when she's really mad about something, she'll make a comment like "You never even gave me your (bank account) PIN numbers" totally out of context, and I have to laugh to myself that it's still an issue for her

These are issues that should be discussed before there's even marriage

Maybe a joint account for family expenses, but also each personal account for personal expenses

Maybe a joint account for family expenses, but also each personal account for personal expenses

I don't believe Japan has joint accounts. Maybe someone can come along and tell us otherwise, but I've never heard of it, and I seem to remember reading somewhere that they don't exist.

If you haven't spent a few years passing your whole salary to someone else, you won't be much of a judge of how pleasurable it is.

I've spent my whole married life (coming up to 37 years) apart from the few years I took off to look after the kids, putting all my earnings into our common pot. Mr cleo has done the same. Being one half of a solid whole, knowing the other half has our back whatever happens, is something we both find extremely pleasurable.

No one is 'giving' anyone anything.

Let me rephrase that.

Marriage means giving everything, and getting twice as much back in return. It makes a person ecstatic. If you resent any of it, you're probably doing it wrong.

that's a bit different. In fact it's completely different

It isn't different at all. What's different is your attitude towards your marriage and your idea that management is the same as control. It isn't. It sounds like you resent your contribution to the marriage. I don't think that sentiment factors in most of the Japanese marriages where the wife handles the finances. Certainly in none of the ones I know of. In most cases the husband is relieved to be free of the day-to-day accounting.

When two people put all their money into a common pot, it really isn't the same as when one person puts all his (and it's invariably a he) money into a pot that is controlled by his wife

It's exactly the same. The money goes into the family finances. The wife handles them, that's not the same as control. As Cleo referred to a few posts back, the account is usually in the husband's name. So when it comes down to it, she manages the money, he controls it. Husbands could shut down access to the bank account at any time.

In all honesty, your comments sound like one who is thinking as an individual in an adversarial relationship, rather than those of a partner in a partnership.

In most cases the husband is relieved to be free of the day-to-day accounting.

I love that. I have no idea what my mobile bill is every month (nor any other bills for that matter). Not even a ballpark figure. I haven't bought socks or underwear in years. They just show up in the closet. We go out for dinner, and she pays. She knows how much money we have to spend on vacation when we go.

Completely depends on the couple. Very simple.

Most women are better than men at handling finances. My mother was.

And if it's a nice harmonious marriage it will work out.

And if the marriage doesn't work out, two fair and reasonable people will do the right thing by the other.

The problem for many is that sometimes it takes a while to know what the other person is really like.

People who have never been through divorce can sound a little smug sometimes.

a piece of simple advice for a man or woman. If things aren't going well and after a while you realize the other party doesn't have your interests at heart. then make sure you have a bank account and an escape plan.

Some of us net realized how bad people could be.

I'd say Mrs Cleo doesn't have to worry.

But some of us aren't so lucky.

I'm so sorry she didn't break her hip while breaking into the apartment. Or better yet, get trapped inside after setting it ablaze.

Setting fire to the apartment...how will that guarantee you money now?

Scorned woman in action!