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'Eeeek, gokiburi!' How gallant guys can score points with damsels in distress

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The steamy weeks of mid-summer is also the time when cockroaches proliferate. So Weekly Playboy (Aug 24-31) entertains its male readers with a tongue-in-cheek story suggesting that valiantly squashing bugs will help them score points with gals.

In the old days, the "big three" weapons most favored against six-legged invaders were a rolled-up newspaper, liquid detergent and spray insecticide.

"Asari the Chabanator" (his title derives from 'chabane,' the name for German cockroach) tells the magazine that when it comes to rescuing a damsel in distress from the bugs, all three methods have their disadvantages.

"It's a big mistake to think she'll be impressed if you start whacking them with a rolled-up newspaper," says Asari. "What about the squashed goki stains left behind after you've smashed out its guts? Yech! As for liquid detergent, it's damn hard to hit a fast-moving target, so you wind up leaving soap squirts all over her pad. So she might be left with the impression, 'He's not the kind of guy I should depend on.'"

Well, what about spray insecticides? There are some pretty effective ones on the market at present; but there's a big disadvantage to using one in front of a lady. It seems the cans' exteriors are festooned with caricatures of gokiburi, which annoy some gals as much as seeing the real things.

"Once I took a spray can to my girlfriend's pad, and just at the sight of it, she let out a scream," the Chabanator recalls. To minimize the visual unpleasantness, he squirted the roach and scooped it up in one of those Kwikkuru disposable mops before she could see the remains.

"In one motion, you render the dead bug invisible, carry it off and wipe up any residue, It's like killing three birds with one stone," he chuckles.

"There are several restaurants on the first and second floors of my apartment," a writer named Soiri weeps. "I see a goki on the average of one every two days. Summers in particular are pure hell. I kill them and kill them, and it makes no difference."

Soiri's extermination technique involves electrocution. He runs an electric current through the webbing of a toy tennis racket, which generates about 5,000 volts -- enough to zap the bugs fatally.

Another chap named Yamato tells Weekly Playboy he prefers Goki-Pao, a spray preparation that within five seconds chills the goki's body down to minus 85 degrees, literally freezing it to death.

Weekly Playboy's staff team recommend Gokikon, a non-lethal repellent. The all-natural product, placed around kitchens and bathrooms, is composed of activated aluminum, white cedar extract, cypress extract, bamboo vinegar essence and unhulled rice vinegar essence. It is claimed to be completely safe for children and pets.

A real man, the article concludes, should be gentle not only to his lady love, but to the earth as well.

© Japan Today

©2021 GPlusMedia Inc.

41 Comments
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It's nice to see someone try to get a laugh out of those disgusting things, but the mere thought of sharing my living space with those odious goki nauseates me.

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I have dozens of gokiburi guests in my gokiburi hotels.

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Is it pronounced "gokibuuuuri" or "gokiburiiiiii"?

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it’s damn hard to hit a fast-moving target

Not really. I used to shoot gokis on the run with an air soft BB gun in Tokyo in the 80's. They died with a SPLAT. It was great revenge!

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I have dozens of gokiburi guests in my gokiburi hotels.

oh well, do you have a girfriend then?

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I used to work at a pizza place. When we closed up at night, we'd catch them and put them in the microwave. Great fun.

the ones I find in my apt, despite spraying them directly bug killer, they still squirm around for several minutes. Sometimes a newspaper or a shoe is the best option.

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Luckily, I have no problems in my house. After many years of a strict training regime, my wife is fully capable of indentifying, targetting and terminating any cockroach threat that pentrates our house's outer defences.

It was tough work, but after ignoring her screams for countless years, "There's a cockroach here, come and kill it", she finally developed enough spine to whip out whatever flat heavy object is nearby to deal with them. Now, she can dispose of their bodies quite easily.

It was well worth the effort, let me tell you!!

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i had about 1 encounter per year on average so far... none so far this year (knock on wood), but as a precaution I have traps set and a couple of cans of poison ready.

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Heheh, I used to be able to catch them on their antennae with my ninja skillz. Though they got a revenge one night when I woke up with them scurrying all over me and my face. Ah, the tropics... where bugs could grow big....

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I only get the big dark ones in my place. Some people who live right down the street only get these little light brown ones.

At least they don't fly. I saw some flying cockroaches in Okinawa. I don't want to see them again. Ever.

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Where can I buy some spray on ice for the goki-chan? So far this summer, goki-chan count=zero. But, one must PREPARE!

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@Ranger Miffy - You don't need any sprays for your "goki-chan," all you need is a gokiburi hoi-hoi ( roach hotel ). They work great! Make sure you put the little white "welcome" pads on the sides and the bait in the middle.

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Its funny they dont mention Boric Acid, its not as toxic as insecticides and has been used for more than a century. It may be the most effective. Not sure if it can be scored in Japan's markets.

The key is to use a squeeze bottle and spray a light layer of powder in areas where roaches may walk, or access areas.

http://www.ca.uky.edu/entomology/entfacts/ef614.asp

There is something else called "diatomaceus earth" which may be even better.

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Nice link Pepingalarga. I guess prevention is slightly better than overly-complicated methods of killing like the old 5000 volt tennis racket trick.

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I freaked when I saw one for the first time. I sprayed and sprayed, but apparently it wasn't the chemicals that killed it, more like it drowned. It didn't get me though, just my dreams

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I have not seen a single one so far this hot and humid summer because every night I pour a small amount of kitchen bleach down the bathroom drain, that's how they get in - through the wet and moist drain pipes. I'm on the 4th floor so I guess that's how they can come in. If I do see one, I'll use the chemical spray to instantly kill it.

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I've seen two, so far, in my new fifth-floor apartment. I know they're coming in from outside somewhere since my roach motels remain empty and they've both been the big, brown, outdoor type. Probably my bad luck to be living next to a yakiniku restaurant (though the restaurant's on the first floor of the building next door). All my windows are screened, though, so I'm not sure how they got in... ugh Having grown up on the rainy side of Oahu, Hawaii, though, this is no big deal. The roaches there were tough, you'd spray 'em with insecticide and they'd thank you for the shower.

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haven't seen one inside for a good 2 years. why would they want to come to my house when there are so many dirty kitchens in Japanese pubs just down the street.

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If the health inspector did their job there would be no cockrocks in restaurants.

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most restautants have not only cockroaches but mice too, i heva seen a documentary on tv. They installed cameras in the kitchens and showed what creatures visited the kitchen after the staff went home. Mice were walking on the cooking plots...etc

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"if the health inspector did their job there would be no cockroaches in restaurants"

You've got to be kidding. Cockroaches come scurrying into restaurants and my place from outside - you can't stop 'em. All you can do is catch 'em or kill 'em.

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Why don't we make some goki don buri. Sounds like a gourmet treat to me.

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At least they don't fly. I saw some flying cockroaches in Okinawa. I don't want to see them again. Ever.

There are plenty of flying cockroaches here on the mainland! I've seen them in Tokyo and Hakone.

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Why don't we make some goki don buri. Sounds like a gourmet treat to me.

I believe there's a getemono restaurant in front of Tawaramachi station on the Ginza Line that has gokiburi tempura on its menu, along with lizard yakitori.

There are plenty of flying cockroaches here on the mainland!

Apparently cockroaches are stimulated by heat and go airborne in response to the ambient temperature. So when the mercury hits around 32 or so they begin flapping their wings and prepare for takeoff.

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"gokiburi tempura"

I suddenly feel very ill...

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"gokiburi tempura"

I suddenly feel very ill..."

Here's wishing you a speedy recovery, davy. What would JT have done over the years without all your efforts to enlighten and entertain us?

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When I put the cloth cover of an old clothes rack I recently got rid of outside, man did the cockroaches ever love that! When I picked it up later, there were at least a dozen of 'em hiding under it! I'll admit it did stink...

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So, women can be corporate CEOs and space-shuttle pilots and hold high political office and even command armies -- but we are too "girly" to deal with a little bug in the house?

This whole idea that men have to deal with the bugs, while the women cower on the sofa and go "eek!", is incredibly sexist. Toward BOTH genders.

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And why are guys expected to "score points" with the women in their lives? If a woman expects a man to "score points" with her, as if it's a frequent-flyer program with sex as the reward, then she's not really a woman. She's a little girl inhabiting an adult female body. She's even a prostitute of sorts.

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She's a little girl inhabiting an adult female body.

You've never been to Japan?

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This whole idea that men have to deal with the bugs, while the women cower on the sofa and go "eek!", is incredibly sexist.

At least you can swat gokiburi with rolled-up newspapers. As far as I know there are no over-the-counter preparations for ridding one's domicile of feminazis.

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They come up drains, and squeeze themselves flat and come in the cracks of screen doors. Since we built a house with double windows and drain traps we've never had a roach in the house, going on 20 years.

In an apartment, get those nets that look like stockings for the basket down the kitchen drain, those keep them from coming up the drain. They make them for bath drains too...just change the mesh regularly on gomi day. After that, plug the tub and bathroom sink when you go to bed at night. Plug the kitchen sink to be extra sure.Tape up any gaps under the kitchen sink between the pipe and cabinet flooring, with a good strong tape. They eat through paper tape. You can be pretty much goki-free this way. Good luck!

MILs house in the country had gokis even in winter, at New Year's we'd shoot them with BB pistols, great fun! Blow the little b**s to smithereens.....

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Simple solution: Get yourself some Gokiburi hoihoi and forget all the spray can cr@p.... http://blog.realestate-tokyo.com/archives/51335787.html

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Jen Kim: I don't care if it's sexist... my husband is in charge of lifting heavy things and killing bugs (or catching/releasing b/c we don't like to kill things...). Yeah, if he's not home I'll take care of it myself ... but if I can hand the job over to someone else then so be it.

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Weekly Playboy is read by young Japanese males. It is not the least bit concerned with using cockroaches as a springboard to engaging in serious social commentary. And nothing takes the fun out of a cute, tongue-in-cheek spoof than being on the receiving end of a stern lecture by a militant feminist with zero sense of humour. Chill out, Miss Kim.

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Yeah, right, and if you believe that creatively offing some "goki's" can score you points with the babes, I have a bridge in Odaiba to sell you.

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Just practise hygiene and don't leave things piled up in a corner, the "gokis" wouldn't come at all.

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This was perhaps the one major thing I didn't like about living in Japan. Even though my place was a gokiburi war zone, it didn't stop them from coming. Sticky traps were pretty effective. Gassing the apartment worked for a while, but it was unpleasant to say the least. This entire thread sends some unpleasant shivers down my spine :p

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Wow...JenniferKim is scarier than an army of bugs. Unfortunately for her, stereotypes exist because of observations, not random daydreams. If you could get $1 each for naming a stereotype and had to pay $10 for every "wrong" one, you'd still be rich. (Yes, there are always exceptions. But usually they're right on.)

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At least they don't fly. I saw some flying cockroaches in Okinawa. I don't want to see them again. Ever.

gokiburi on honshu fly. all of them.

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I still find a bit of chivalry in opening doors at the factory and letting the OLs get off the bus first is a much better way than squishing the odd goki or two. But if they get in the office there's not much else for it.

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