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How to split from your boyfriend without turning him into a stalker

61 Comments

Women, beware. Men are not what they used to be. They are less assured, less experienced. You’ve probably noticed. What is less obvious – though equally true, says Josei Seven (Nov 7) – is the link between this development and an upsurge of stalking.

Stalking, always a nuisance, is often dangerous and sometimes fatal. The case freshest in the public memory is the death on Oct 8 of 18-year-old high school senior Saaya Suzuki in Mitaka, Tokyo. She’d spoken to her parents, her teachers, and finally the police about her fears concerning a 21-year-old former boyfriend named Charles Thomas Ikenaga. She’d met him on Facebook and dated him for a year, but wanted to end the relationship. He didn’t. He deluged her with email. She couldn’t turn him off.

An anti-stalking law, passed in 2000 and toughened this past July, doesn’t seem to have transmitted a sense of urgency to police. They failed to take the matter seriously enough, and Suzuki was stabbed to death in her home. Ikenaga was arrested as a suspect.

Josei 7’s article is not specifically about the Suzuki case. Its title is, “How to break up with your boyfriend without turning him into a stalker.” That’s becoming increasingly hard to do. National Police Agency statistics record 19,920 stalking incidents in 2012, up from 14,618 in 2011 and 2,280 in 2000, the year the new law went into effect.

Overwhelmingly – in 90% of cases – the victims are women, and more than half the time the stalker is a current or former husband or lover. The heart of the matter, Josei 7 suggests, is a psychological, or sociological, difference between the sexes. Women, savoring their new-found independence, are prone to boredom, restlessness and the need for change; while men, newly dependent and unsure of themselves, have grown more clinging. “Men are starved for love,” says counselor Yukiko Saeki, who specializes in crimes against women.

Women are apt to fail to appreciate what rejection means to a man. Social change may have equalized the genders but anachronistic vestiges of the male ego survive. Men must learn to take no for an answer. Until they do, women, for their own protection, must learn to disengage themselves tactfully.

“Being dumped is painful for anyone, man or woman,” says one psychologist the magazine speaks to. “Experience toughens us and we learn to overcome the pain. Lately, though, a lot of men are very inexperienced” regarding the opposite sex. Untoughened, even a normally non-violent man can suddenly turn stalker when a woman he likes throws him over.

What should a woman do, then – put up with a guy she’s tired of? Forever? Obviously not, but for safety’s sake if for no other reason, she should let him down as gently as possible.

“Don’t suddenly hit him with the fact that you’re ready to end the relationship,” advises psychologist Masashi Usui. “Broach the matter gently, preferably by telephone. If his manner becomes threatening, get a friend or family member to intervene.”

© Japan Today

©2021 GPlusMedia Inc.

61 Comments
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This article is ludicrous. First, it suggests the victims of stalkers are to blame for the hell visited upon them. And second, you cannot "turn" someone into a stalker. It is who they are to begin with. Maybe in Japan the police have ignored the problem for too long for there to be any meaningful evidence to reflect on, but in countries where the problem has been addressed long ago, it is obvious stalkers are recidivists; i.e., they do it again and again and have long rapsheets as stalkers. The key is not to let your boyfriend down over the phone, but to involve law enforcement as soon as something is amiss.

21 ( +24 / -3 )

I second combinibento. The onus is not on the women to kid-glove the situation. (If anything, take any odd behaviour seriously and make it public as soon as you feel unnerved. I suggest politeness will only encourage a nutter.)

But again, this is not a problem that women have caused. Too many men feel entitled to have the woman they want, regardless of her feelings.

How about a series or articles addressing men's role in this, telling men not to act like unhinged monsters, and instead to behave like mature, decent human beings?

8 ( +10 / -2 )

That is NO real subjective answer to this, it depends on the individuals relationship. I know for a fact that QUITE OFTEN when there is a breakup, some women prepare, get everything in order and often has a new boyfriend hanging in the background before they drop the hammer on their old boyfriend. I have seen with other friends of mine, they went through a nasty breakup, they were devastated and at least on 2 occasions, I saw their ex's with NEW bfs just a few weeks later. They looked happy and secure, which means, they had already cut ties emotionally before the actual breakup, didn't want to be alone, met someone else, established a new relationship and just told the old bf it's over. I think the shock of it, confuses and angers a lot of guys. Usually, it takes guys a lot longer to emotionally get out of that depressed mode. Women can usually get over a breakup much faster than a guy. Guys fall head over heels and put a lot of emotional attachment into the relationship. Women can easily change, when they feel they are not happy, secure or feel like the relationship is going nowhere, like a lightbulb, they change it and be done with it, don't think about it, whereas men will hit it, flick it and do everything to it hopefully, the thing will turn on before changing it.And as Combinibento said, it's also the way you breakup, women need to treat their ex like a man and NOT like a toy or crap, NOT by mail or by phone or even worse, NOT SAY ANYTHING, just disappear and hope HE GETS THE MESSAGE is NOT healthy, helpful, in fact, it's insulting and can possibly open up a whole world of problems, one of them is producing a stalker jilted bf. A lot of women need to take responsibility in this as well as accountability. They need to have a face to face, be honest and direct, respect their ex, don't be incognito during a breakup. I am NOT excusing a stalkers behavior at all, I think it's wrong. but there is often when you dig deep, really deep as to why the guy became a stalker, it's not necessarily always the guys fault that started it. I'm not saying my advice is for every woman, it's just one part of a bigger piece of puzzle. Breakups are already difficult, there is no need to compounding the situation. But a lot of women need to know and understand, a lot of guys that stalk, many of these situations past and present could be avoided. Again, this is not fact science, nor is it for everyone, but it is a problem, that many people don't want to talk about.

-2 ( +11 / -13 )

So glad to see you're not into gender stereotypes, bass. :-)

I think the shock of it, confuses and angers a lot of guys. ...... women need to treat their ex like a man

And the ex needs to act like a man, and not start stalking someone because he's 'confused'.

I am NOT excusing a stalkers behavior at all, I think it's wrong.

Glad to hear it.

but there is often when you dig deep, really deep as to why the guy became a stalker, it's not necessarily always the guys fault that started it.

Hang on, you are excusing it.....

I'm not saying my advice is for every woman

How about a bit of advice for anyone, male or female, about to embark on a stalking spree - DON'T.

7 ( +11 / -4 )

I don't know bass4funk, it works similar the other way around. The behaviours you you described (plan the break-up, get over a relationship fast, dumping someone by email, having a new partner in the background etc) could also been easliy done by men. It surely has happended to me and other women. One thing I will say though is that most women tend to hide our unhappiness or doubts quite some time before we move, or we are being so very subtle about it and our poor partners would probably never pick up the hints. Hence it comes as a nasty surprise.

Anyway the article is quite useless, most dumped people will not turn into stalkers, and what is the trigger for those you do? Who knows.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

Men are not what they used to be. They are less assured, less experienced. You’ve probably noticed.

I stopped reading the article right there, first paragraph. What a bunch of misandrous fluff.

8 ( +10 / -2 )

We need more information about how to identify stalkers before even dating them.

Also, many stalkers have not dated with the person they are stalking. They have just become fixated with them.

I do agree that women are much better than men at moving on after a relationship. It's pretty impressive how they can just drop you.

8 ( +9 / -1 )

While this is a kind of useless article, there is something to be said for getting somebody to break up with you, rather than you breaking up with them.

A LOT easier that way, guys or girls.

-1 ( +4 / -5 )

Incredibly blinkered opinions here! Men talk about women moving on as though they are the only ones who do.

A couple of very one-sided opinions here. When a relationship ends, It's not an issue of man vs. woman. It's about who ended it. The person who ended it is unhappy and wants to move on without you.

When a woman dumps a man, she can appear unkind, heartless, and cruel to her rejected partner.

When a man dumps a woman, he can appear unkind, heartless, and cruel to his rejected partner.

ie. When one person dumps another person, they can appear unkind, heartless, and cruel to their rejected partner.

Do some of the opinions expressed in these posts reflect a reason why most stalkers are men? I don't know, but the one-sided blame game would suggest so!

4 ( +6 / -2 )

stalking is such a bad problem in japan, sometimes the only way is to run away , even overseas. J Men feel they own women and that women should be submissive. J Police wont do anything except ring the stalker not to stalk but we saw that does not solve anything.

0 ( +5 / -5 )

Women should look at how they 'use' men and how that affects a man's psyche.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I asked her to not email me because it would be hard for me to get over her. When I arrived home, of course, she had sent me an email telling me that she was so happy that i had come to Japan and all that. However, I specifically asked her not to send me such an email.

10 days later, she sent me another email telling me she missed me. At that point, I started to contact her again. But, of course, she started to avoid answering my phone calls and pretending she was busy.

I got upset and we argued and havent spoken again.

She would have accused me of stalking her after the breakup, but I think her actions were inconsiderate.

-1 ( +8 / -9 )

There are PLENTY of female stalkers too. (Anyone read the old Gaijinpot forums before they shut them down? You'd have a field day with all the stalker stories there, too!) They aren't mentioned because of a stigma against men who report abuse and violence from women. Women also perpetrate these crimes with quite a lot of frequency, but they are underreported!

5 ( +6 / -1 )

@ex-japan-visitor: You seem upset, and want your hurt to be acknowledged. However, anecdotes are not proof of anything on a larger scale. Also, your post is off-topic as regards this article, unless your ex did actually accuse you of stalking her. Did she?

0 ( +6 / -6 )

Every person is different and different things can set people off. Yes it is possible to set someone into a rage where they lose their minds and do things they would not ordinarily do. Have we not all experienced this?

For example, I great way to make me furious after doing something out of the question is to say "sorry". All "sorry" says to me is that the situation has turned out unfavorable to you or you seek to try it again sometime. What I need to hear is that you know what you did wrong and won't do that again. Keep your sorry. Its too vague.

But like I say, everyone is different. Best judge by what you know about them.

-4 ( +1 / -5 )

Ah, once again, the Japanese medical institutions are totally missing the point. It has bugger all to do with emotional maturity. It is all about the sexism within Japanese society that teaches men that women are second class and men rule with intimidation. The men have no idea how to deal with rejection because they believe they are #1. It sends them around the bend and they turns them into irrational idiots - most of them start a relationship in this state though.

0 ( +4 / -4 )

@cleo

So glad to see you're not into gender stereotypes, bass. :-)

I'm really NOT, I'm just saying on the woman's part, these things can and often happen.

I think the shock of it, confuses and angers a lot of guys. ...... women need to treat their ex like a man

Right! They should, but quite often during a breakup, they don't.

And the ex needs to act like a man, and not start stalking someone because he's 'confused'.

Very, true, can't argue with that. There is no excuse for stalking, but again, a woman should never put a man in a position to act like a jerk. Be upfront, don't sneak with the new guy behind your back.

I am NOT excusing a stalkers behavior at all, I think it's wrong.

Glad to hear it.

but there is often when you dig deep, really deep as to why the guy became a stalker, it's not necessarily always the guys fault that started it.

Hang on, you are excusing it.....

No, I'm not seriously, just saying, don't give some of these women a pass.

I'm not saying my advice is for every woman

How about a bit of advice for anyone, male or female, about to embark on a stalking spree - DON'T.

I'm just talking about women, because they are the ones that are being stalked. Trust me, there is a lot about men we can talk about as well.

-9 ( +2 / -11 )

Bass4funk

I'm with Cleo on this. Your whole post is about blaming the psyche of women for stalking, whether you realize it or not. And lumping all women in together to boot. And misogynistic.

I put it to you that if your mates get to a point in a 'relationship' where their girlfriend leaves them and they have no idea why and didn't see it coming at all, they need to have a good long hard look at themselves, because I almost guarantee you that is part of the problem.

I can't help but wonder if there isn't a lack of emotional intelligence and resilience because of the way these kids were raised? Kids who are used to getting everything, denied little, spoilt and mollycoddled don't learn that rejection is a normal part of life that offers growth opportunities. That you can't and don't get everything you want in life, and that this too is normal. That others have the right to choose what's best for them and that you have to respect that decision whether you like it or not. Just speculating here...

8 ( +10 / -2 )

If his manner becomes threatening, get a friend or family member to intervene.”

This advice did not work for poor Saaya.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Say what now.... Some people are just unbalanced, I've had 4 stalkers personally and its not fun. If you feel unsafe you tell someone, dont wait for something to happen. Oh and moving often helps with stalkers if they know where you live, moving often helps.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

don't give some of these women a pass.

"these women" is a rather vague statistic isn't it? Which women? The ones who "...put a man in a position to act like a jerk..." and "...sneak with the new guy behind your back..."

Making excuses for actual aggressive behaviour based on some apocryphal / anecdotal episodes is a poor argument.

Blaming one adult for somehow making another adult behave a certain way, is immature and irresponsible.

Control your behaviour, people, it's as simple as that. You know right from wrong, and if you get enraged over a bad break-up or a false apology, then remove yourself from the situation until you calm down.

If you continue blaming others for your own behaviour, then you are the problem.

If you are a man being harassed or stalked by a woman, then take it to the authorities. That's what women have been doing for decades, even when they were laughed out of the police station.

And if the police don't treat you, as a male victim of a stalker (or of an abusive domestic partner) seriously, then remind them that for decades they haven't treated such reports from women seriously, and look how that's ending up - of nearly 20,000 cases last year, 90% of the victims are women, "and more than half the time the stalker is a current or former husband or lover."

Female victims have been blamed both for inviting abuse, violence and harassment, and for not speaking out against it. They must refuse to let themselves be blamed.

The same, of course, applies to male victims.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

There is no excuse for stalking,

Stop right there, and you've got a post I can thumbs-up.

but again,....

Oh dear. No thumbs-up.

a woman should never put a man in a position to act like a jerk.

Both men and women are given umpteen opportunities to act like a jerk every single day. Whether you choose to act like a jerk or not is up to you, not the person you think is jerking you around.

don't give some of these women a pass

Who are these women? Are they like the these people who get in the way of drone missiles? You know, the ones who have done nothing wrong bar be in the wrong place at the wrong time and so it serves 'em right? Definite thumbs-down on a these women comment.

Seriously bass, you need to curb your paint everyone with the same brush and make ludicrous generalisations tendencies.

2 ( +6 / -4 )

This article is ludicrous. First, it suggests the victims of stalkers are to blame for the hell visited upon them. And second, you cannot "turn" someone into a stalker. It is who they are to begin with.

Combinibento is right. Stalkers might feel unloved, but unloved men aren't consumed with an urge to stalk. The failing here is with the police, who need to take reports seriously and follow up on them. I would also like to see laws relaxed to allow people to carry pepper spray if things go seriously wrong. Stalkers have the potential to become murderers and/or rapists. They are not sensitive little flowers that we need to protect.

Letting someone down gently is good advice because it's polite, but it is hardly a solution to the stalking problem.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

It goes both ways, men stalk women and women stalk men. The biggest issue seems to be a lack of maturity in BOTH parties. There is no argument against someone losing that loving feeling. If it's gone, it's gone. No amount of begging/pleading will bring it back. Once the feeling is gone(for either party) there is no bargaining to bring it back. There is nothing you can change about yourself to reignite the feeling, you are who you are. Timing is a key too. You shouldn't break up in the middle of an argument. Sit down with each other and lay it on the line. If it starts to get heated, or the other party is being immature, then leave it alone, and bring it up again at another time when you are both calm and rational. Get closure and acceptance, and walk away. I can fortunately say I've never had a bad break up. I've been on both sides of the fence. I've had to tell someone it's over, and I've been told it's over. It's never easy, but by sitting down and talking it out, I've always been able to walk away relatively unscathed.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Whether you choose to act like a jerk or not is up to you, not the person you think is jerking you around.

@cleo--You either have a will made of tempered steel, or you have never had someone really skilled pushing your buttons. Either, I would say your experience is on an extreme.

There was a sign outside a church recently: "Love thy enemies. After all, you made them." Of course that does not apply to every case, but some people do relish jerking people around and some people are just completely remorseless and unapologetic about the harm they cause. One of the greatest human desires is be accepted as a lover, and such rejection can be the most painful of all. Of course its in one's best interest to handle the dumping of a lover with tact. Railing against such simple advice is bound to get people hurt, cause real people tend not to have wills of tempered steel nor are they immune to a thorough button pushing.

-5 ( +2 / -7 )

You either have a will made of tempered steel, or you have never had someone really skilled pushing your buttons.

I've had my buttons pushed well enough. It doesn't take 'a will of tempered steel' to not turn into a stalker. You make it sound like you think becoming a stalker is the normal, natural thing to do? Because the other person is 'pushing your buttons' by rejecting you? Sorry but No, if a person is stupid enough not to realise what they're throwing away, why would anyone want to go chasing after an obviously stupid person? Just let them go, no one is worth making yourself a criminal over. Certainly someone who doesn't want you.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

You make it sound like you think becoming a stalker is the normal, natural thing to do?

And you make it sound like people make a conscious decision to snap.

Whether you choose to act like a jerk or not is up to you, not the person you think is jerking you around.

Normal and natural are hard things to define. Let us just say its not usual or accepted. Even so, it is possible for people to take measures to prevent getting stalked, rather than close the barn door after the horse has bolted.

-7 ( +2 / -9 )

Such a generalization....

0 ( +2 / -2 )

@ControlFreak

Yes it is possible to set someone into a rage where they lose their minds and do things they would not ordinarily do

I'm sorry to hear that.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

A good kick in the plums speaks volumes.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Rule No. 1: Don't date a psycho. Rule No. 2: Repeat No. 1

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Don't date a psycho.

Most people do not set out with the idea of dating a psycho. They are not always easy to spot, especially in the beginning.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

Become so bleeding annoying that he dumps you first!

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Stalking, or at least unhealthy fixation, is the dark flip side to Japan's reverence for "gambaru" perseverance.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Women, savoring their new-found independence, are prone to boredom, restlessness and the need for change; while men, newly dependent and unsure of themselves, have grown more clinging

I quite agree with this statement. A long time ago women were dependent on men in order to have a family and live. Now, many women can have a job, do what they want, so they don't need be dependent solely on one man. So in a sense, (some) women have gained and (some) men have lost. "Lost", is maybe a bit harsh but I guess that is what some men view their situation, so they might try to regain what they, "lost", by force. Is that what the article is suggesting? If it is, I think I agree.

So as they article suggest, some of these women need to need to break up tactfully, while the men need to man up and accept they can't always win what they thought they gained. I think it might be easy to label these stalkers as lunatics and losers, but maybe the truth is a bit different.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

I'm with Cleo on this. Your whole post is about blaming the psyche of women for stalking, whether you realize it or not. And lumping all women in together to boot. And misogynistic.

I'm not really! I get it, I do. Trust me, I am on your side. I think I'm reasonable. Just playing Devil's advocate. I am NOT blaming the woman, all I am saying is, I think in SOME situations, women should NOT try to be sneaky when they break up with men. Again, I am saying this and it applies to some women.

I put it to you that if your mates get to a point in a 'relationship' where their girlfriend leaves them and they have no idea why and didn't see it coming at all, they need to have a good long hard look at themselves, because I almost guarantee you that is part of the problem.

Oh, see now there you go....

I can't help but wonder if there isn't a lack of emotional intelligence and resilience because of the way these kids were raised? Kids who are used to getting everything, denied little, spoilt and mollycoddled don't learn that rejection is a normal part of life that offers growth opportunities. That you can't and don't get everything you want in life, and that this too is normal. That others have the right to choose what's best for them and that you have to respect that decision whether you like it or not. Just speculating here...

So now it has to do with how the kids were brought up? Come on. Can't you women just say, sometimes, we are a little devious and selfish and really don't care what the guy thinks, we just want to be secure, so I'll hangout with Bob until Mr. Right comes along. Just admit sometimes, you guys will take these guys for a loop and after you get what you need, it's "So long, Sucker"

Why is it that, you women think that it's always the guys fault and what about Women stalkers, you got enough of those as well. Just sayin.....

@cleo

See, you're not being fair. Again, why are you just taking the woman's side in this? Not generalizing, just saying, you have crazy women out there as well and I think, that a lot of these stalkers were in the making, much of it having to do with how they were treated in their relationship. Some women do treat guys worse than dirt. You hear these stories all the time.

-4 ( +3 / -7 )

bass4funk -

See, you're not being fair.

in what way am I not being fair?

why are you just taking the woman's side in this?

Where am I just taking the woman's side? Which bit of Both men and women is taking just the woman's side?

just saying, you have crazy women out there as well

As well as what? Crazy men? So what you mean is there are crazy people out there? Then why not say crazy people?

Some women do treat guys worse than dirt. You hear these stories all the time.

Yes, they do. And some men treat women worse than dirt. (Been there.....ouch...) You hear these stories all the time, too. All together now...Some people treat other people like dirt.

But if it was the way some people treat others that makes a normal sane reasonable person into a stalker, you'd have the same heartless, cheating people being stalked by a succession of the stalkers they'd made on account of the way they'd treated them. Instead I think you'll find that it's the stalker (male or female) that has the problem - mental illness, depression, substance abuse, personality disorder, social ineptness. Just because a person is stalked by one nutter, it doesn't mean that person is going to be stalked by every romantic partner they break up with in the future.

And there are cases where the victim has never even met the stalker (Like the nutter who stalked and killed John Lennon, or the one who stalked and killed the actress Rebecca Schaeffer, or the nutter who sent death threats to Michael J Fox because his getting married upset her, or the nutter who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in an attempt to 'impress' the actress Jodie Foster with whom he was obsessed. )

3 ( +4 / -1 )

Bass4funk

Can't you women just say, sometimes, we are a little devious and selfish and really don't care what the guy thinks, we just want to be secure, so I'll hangout with Bob until Mr. Right comes along. Just admit sometimes, you guys will take these guys for a loop and after you get what you need, it's "So long, Sucker"

I am a man, you clown.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Women should look at how they 'use' men and how that affects a man's psyche.

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Men are trained to be loving, faithful etc etc, and to maintain good relationships.... and when they discover that most women are actually using them parasitically (for money, sex, etc), and then ditched when they are no longer of any novelty - they get rightfully pissed off.

Until men learn to not give a stuff about what women want in a relationship, and then go about having sex with as many women as possible, as they see fit... then they will get over this.

-3 ( +3 / -6 )

Huh, so only men are capable of stalking? This seems rather sexist. It's the same as the situation with male victims of domestic abuse. No-one seems to want to acknowledge that it exists, and it has become just as big a problem as "normal" domestic abuse. I have four girlfriends. How many of them do you think I stalk? Unless your answer is zero, you're wrong. I no longer talk to three of them. The other, stalks me. Not physically since I moved away, but she harasses me online, and has done ever since we broke up. I had, for a few years, managed to ignore her, pretending she didn't exist. I'd made her a promise that I would never speak to her again, and she tricked me into breaking that promise, with a 6am phone call (that was the last time I left my mobile phone on overnight, I can tell you). I still talk to her, but it is not at all civil. Not even close. But I can't shake her. Changing phone number and email has failed. Ignoring her never worked to begin with. Moving away has spared me her physical presence, so far. But she has hinted a strong intent to move closer to me. I hope not. I agree, stalking is a serious issue, but to place it solely on men is just plain wrong.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

Really. Men please just be men. I don't know if it's issues from childhood. There are a certain amount of men that will be at a womans "beck and call". A woman will eat this up. It will feed her ego and make her feel good for a time. But over time if the men can't set boundaries within the relationship she will not be able to respect the man. She will eventually get tired of this and leave. Women don't want a player but also they don't want a chump. I don't know what most of the personalities of these 20,000 stalkers were. Obviously there weren't that many murders so there couldn't have been that many extreme cases. Mostly it was probably these young guys that were trying to figure out what a relationship is then got blindsided by a sudden breakup in a relationship that he thought was going well. Then he tried to work it out. It's a shame that he can end up with a criminal record because she overreacted to his gestures to try and work it out. Boys in Japan don't know how to compose themselves in relationships because they aren't taught. It's a learning process. Dating is dating. Don't get too serious till she becomes serious. Never stop taking to other females. Is dating your not married. The biggest bogus part I think of these replies is that some of these people say Japanese guys treat women sub hunan. I know many Japanese men that are good husbands and fathers and just good guys. How do you like it when people stereotype gaijin. Don't be dorks.

-4 ( +1 / -5 )

LOL

-4 ( +0 / -4 )

I'm not sure that the method by which a person is dumped by their girlfriend or boyfriend is likely to deter them from stalking. That said, very very few people become so obsessed to the point of actually causing harm. Even so the person being followed and watched would no doubt be freaked out by the experience. Sadly, there is not a whole lot the police can do unless society is willing to allow for publicly financed body guards for those feeling threatened by a stalker. I doubt that would even be considered a possibility. The police can be of service by putting a scare into the stalker. Unfortunately it isn't possible to rely on law enforcement to protect you every second of every day. The person being stalked must somehow find a way to protect themselves to some degree as well.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Meh. This is all peripheral.

For most: boy meets girl. bla blah blah, marriage. Or, if you prefer, girl meets boy, blah bha babity blah. Marriage.

Japan's fecundity (fertility) rate is mildly, and I stress mildly, less than, say, middle class white American, French, German and English. It is actually a bit higher than socio-economically equivalent Scandinavians.

In short, Japanese males don't have a uniquely unique problem here.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

The guy is often already a stalker before being dumped , if he is not actually escaped by an abused woman. Most of my acquaintances that were stalked by exes were not surprised because the guy (or the girl) was already crossing borders while they were together. The stalker has the problem and there is nothing the partner can do about it. The victim can only try to protect him/herself. That's something like drinking, addiction. The partner won't solve it. So address advice to the stalkers. I don't know what can be done. Sometimes justice condemns some to get psychological treatment. Maybe the service should be offered to any person with stalking pulsions, before they start becoming nuisances.

Women are apt to fail to appreciate what rejection means to a man.

There is no such thing as "rejection meaning to a man". That's rejection felt by a human being. Women are as concerned as men.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

“Don’t suddenly hit him with the fact that you’re ready to end the relationship,” advises psychologist Masashi Usui. “Broach the matter gently, preferably by telephone. If his manner becomes threatening, get a friend or family member to intervene.”

Absolutely! What a ridiculous statement, does anyone dump without at least thinking about it, and at least giving some indications that there is an issue with the relationship? Or are we talking about one-night-stand relationships where there is little "relationship" to break in the first place?

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Bass4funk makes a good point about the whole 'insurance' thing -- which is to say a lot of women here will break up with a guy only after they have engaged in another relationship, weighed the options, then let the hammer fall. I'm sure guys do it too. I've had it done to me twice here, with the friend of a woman who broke up with me accidentally emailing me saying, "Well, I feel sorry for him (me), but it sounds like you have a nice winter vacation planned with your new boyfriend". She vehemently denied having anyone else when she broke up with me, and then when I forwarded her the email her friend accidentally sent to me (we were mutual friends), it was complete silence.

Was I angry? VERY. Did I stalk her? no, and didn't even think of it. Dragged her name through the mud a bit, and her friend (no longer mine) apparently got an earful from my ex for the email, but there was never any stalking or thoughts of it.

Anyway, this article is more fluff. I've had three women stalkers since arriving in Japan, one so serious she found out where I lived and kept standing outside my door because 'she loved me' and I didn't want to go on a second date. None ended up being violent, fortunately, though one threatened suicide. It's not just men who take rejection poorly, people, and there's never really an easy way to end things nicely.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

The guy is often already a stalker before being dumped , if he is not actually escaped by an abused

I think a stalker is a stalker whenever s/he starts to stalk. I think every person has it in them to be a stalker or most other kinds of violent personalities, but they don't do it because they are somehow in a safe, non-threatening enviornment, whatever that entails for each individual. Some ppl are closer to the surface than others. (i.e. closer to being about to become a stalker), but it's still there in others too.

I recommend books by Gavin De Becker for information on the subject. While the responsibility for any crime or aggression rests on the person deciding to do the act, there are certainly things you can do to protect yourself, and conversely, things you can do to inflame a dangerous situation and make it worse. That's just common sense, not blaming the victim. You do have to do things to take care of yourself. Tigers will eat meat. But not yours if you don't make it available.

G De Becker runs a protection service, btw. He helps people from "regular" women being battered and running away from an ex, to celebrities getting stalked by obssessed strangers, to politicians, visiting dignitaries, execs, etc., who need protection for some reason. Good reading, and it can give you tips and insights on being safe.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Boys and Girls in Japan are growing up with media over-emphasis on that there's just one-and-only soulmate for them, a.k.a. the red thread of fate. So they can't let go. There'd be a lot less stalking when it's emphasized that "relax, there's other fish in the sea."

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Boys and Girls in Japan are growing up with media over-emphasis on that there's just one-and-only soulmate for them, a.k.a. the red thread of fate. So they can't let go. There'd be a lot less stalking when it's emphasized that "relax, there's other fish in the sea."

The thing is that with women being upwardly mobile in this day and age, women have no need of the caring, doting husband who pays her paycheck. Men's traditional role is redundant, and the only thing a woman needs a man for is a sampling of DNA.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

The thing is that with women being upwardly mobile in this day and age,

they no longer have to get married when they're told to, no longer have to settle for someone just because they've hit a certain age. They no longer have to judge a man based on his job and salary, nor be judge on their ability to cook, arrange flowers, look pretty and come from good stock.

With men and women on a slightly more equal footing, nobody has to do anything, except find someone they like, see if they can get on long-term, love each other and build a family - a partnership - on equal terms.

This is a good thing, isn't it!

If some men think they are only needed for their DNA, then a) welcome to the world of women; and b) don't judge yourself so harshly, dear...

0 ( +0 / -0 )

@maria

Women are on a terrible footing the worst for decades.the rat race does not equate to empowerment byut slavery.

Feminism has destroyed women and is doing to men, feminising men and making them weedy wallies and the type who stalk as the they have become lilly livered girly boys.

The winners from feminism are men, going dutch for meals, easy sex, no obligations if woman pregnant (abortions are cool).

The men and women are confused, some become stalkers, male ones may be more violent than women, maybe not, might be that men feel bad reporting it as is the case with male on male rape compared to male on female rape

It's all a part of making men the bad guys and to feminsm the further,part of the Rockefeller and their mates plans.

Ever feel you've been cheated? Doubt it, too sheepy.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Yeah, all men are vermin and women are pretty innocent victims powerless against them, pathetic.

-5 ( +2 / -7 )

Yeah women can be stalkers too, have been stalked previously and they are very difficult to get rid of. Changed phone numbers twice moved twice and even moved to another city, she still found me. This was before the stalker law in 2000 too so not a lot I could do even though some of the stalkers tactics were very disturbing,

I suggest being careful who you become involved with as many here are quite unhinged it seems.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

If I were to sum up the 18-over doujinshi that gets published, easily over half of it involves an aggressive male forcing himself onto a female who doesn't want his attentions, then changing her tune during the resulting rape. This is the basic tenet of a stalker/rapist's fantasy... "You don't want me now, but after I 'do' you, you'll never want to let me go." With this kind of false example regularly put out for a few yen twice a year, I'm not surprised that stalking is on the rise. When the REAL girl doesn't follow the doujinshi script and fall madly in love with the stalker, that's when the murders happen.

Stalkers don't take into account that the views of those doujinshi authors just MIGHT not reflect the way things are in the real world.

(Cue all the defenders of doujinshi who will claim that those books don't contribute to stalking) To them, I say, "Prove it."

0 ( +1 / -1 )

@Fadamor

A cursory search for statistics in a futile attempt support your claims, results in data which indicate you are most likely afflicted with a tendency to overgeneralize & argue from a preconceived bias rather than facts. Consider these quotes:

From http://www.ebay.com/gds/How-to-buy-the-right-Doujinshi-for-you-/10000000000952937/g.html "I'd like to debunk the common misconception that "Doujinshi" is Japanese for "Porn comic". Doujinshis are NOT ALWAYS PORN. I would say over half of the ones on e-bay are, but that's just because the porn is what sells best in America; in Japan, a small margin of doujinshis are pornographic."

From Eng Wikipedia entry for "dojinshi"

In Western cultures, dōjinshi is often perceived to be derivative of existing work, analogous to fan fiction and almost completely pornographic. This is partly true: dōjinshi are often, though not always, parodies or alternative storylines involving the worlds of popular manga, game or anime series, and can often feature overtly sexual material. However, there are also many non sexually explicit dōjinshi being created as well. The Touhou series for example, is notable for the large amount of dōjinshi being produced for it that are not pornographic in nature.

Groups releasing adults-only themed materials during the annual Touhou only event Reitaisai in 2008 were estimated at roughly 10%. http://d.hatena.ne.jp/GilCrows/20080602/p1

10% is a far cry from the "easily over half" you were touting. It appears that you are forming conclusions from mostly "western" driven markets such as e-bay and then misapplying your acquired bias to the Japanese culture.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

How idiotic. You don't "turn someone into a stalker" by leaving them in the wrong way. this essentially implies that the blame for stalking (and worse) lies with the woman.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Men are not what they used to be. They are less assured, less experienced.

Ha ha! Thanks for making my day! Right: In the good ol' days, a "man" new that women were hysterical enough to justify a good slap across the face on occasion. Women knew their place back then, that's for sure - and it certainly wasn't independent, with an education and a career. Look at these ads for a glance back at how more "assured" and "experienced" men were back in the day: http://www.businesspundit.com/10-most-sexist-print-ads-from-the-1950s/

Not to belittle the dangers inherent to stalking, but please.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

What ever happened to the good old fade away? It hurts but even I could see the writing on the wall. No easy solutions but maybe a better rounded sexual education in school dealing with more than just what goes where. Talking about the emotional attachment could help prepare our youth better. A TV drama on the problem would also help, but then again so would suicide prevention.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Men. First delete every single reference of the lady from your phone, email everything. Block Facebook, block line...seriously everything.

Don't even for a moment think "oh, but what if she tries to reach me?". Not going to happen or not worth it.

Second, do that before drinking.

Third, get a new hobby. Want to play the sax? Want to try mma? Now is the time. Don't make the mistake of working harder...

Next, visit a strip club, get a couple of private dances

Finally, get the mindset of treating women like tissues.use and discard.equality is one thing, treat everyone with respect and all. but not one of them is worth shedding a tear over.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

This article is extremely sexist in that in promotes the idea than men in general are potential violent stalkers. It also ignores the fact that women stalk, and are violent, too.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

geez bassfunk you sound like it's the woman's fault for not knowing "how to break up properly", your "advice" is very malicious and it assumes a lot of things, it is not because you don't treat the guy as a man that he will not become a stalker, some of the guys are really really disturbed, and sometimes they just don't get it, you can try a gentle approach or a harsh one, but there is no simple solution, because it depends of the couple in each case...

1 ( +1 / -0 )

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