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Husbands on receiving end of domestic abuse from wives

56 Comments

“Mr A” – it will soon be clear why Shukan Post (Oct 9) uses no names here – is a new father in his 30s. He works hard for his company – all night, sometimes. His wife works too. Early one morning he was just getting home as she was leaving for the office. “Here, take her,” said the wife, passing the child to her husband in mid diaper-change. Exhausted, only partly awake, the husband let the diaper slip and caused something of a mess. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his shin. His wife had dealt him a swift kick. “Sleeping! Is this a time to sleep?” Mr A bowed low in apology, but it was some time before Mrs A’s rage abated.

Domestic violence, sadly, is as old as marriage, but its nature is changing, Shukan Post finds. Once upon a time the perpetrators were overwhelmingly male. Most of them still are, but wives are learning that they too can seize the initiative. National Police Agency figures cited by the magazine tell the story: in 2014, 59,907 episodes of domestic violence were reported nationwide. In 5,971 of them – 10% – the husband was the victim.

Partly the dramatic increases – in both the net figure and the number of female perpetrators – arise from a heightened awareness of domestic violence as a social problem and a potential crime, rather than as something inevitable and yet too shameful to report. Men, in particular, have been loath to come forward as victims, partly out of embarrassment but partly also out of fear of possible repercussions at work. It might be an obstacle to promotion: If a man can’t manage his own household, the thinking might run, can he be trusted to manage a department?

But the trend is unmistakable: Men are weakening while women grow strong. Prominent among female perpetrators of domestic violence, notes divorce lawyer Yuto Tamura, are women who are especially proficient at their jobs, often conspicuously more so than male colleagues. Accustomed to having things their way, they are impatient with the compromises that harmonious marriage demands.

And so we meet Mr C, a company employee in his 50s, announcing to his wife one weekend morning, “I’m taking the dog for a walk. I’ll be back at noon.” A pause to chat with a neighbor delays him a bit. Home at 12:30, he finds himself facing a furious wife whose barrage of slaps and punches sends his glasses flying. Worse than the pain is the shock. Now he’s afraid to leave the house, he says, for fear of the wrath he may unwittingly provoke.

Mr D is in his 20s and involved in a venture business. Here’s a nice domestic scene: While his wife prepares dinner, he’s in the living room playing a video game, his infant daughter asleep beside him on the sofa. The little girl wakes up and starts to cry, so Mr D picks her up, places her on his lap and goes on with his game – at which his wife, suddenly furious, storms out of the house, leaving him to wonder why and figure it out if he can. He can’t. It’s hours before she returns, and when she does, she’s trembling. She indicates a carving knife in the kitchen. "I could have killed you,” she says, to all appearances as bewildered by her rage as her husband is.

That ended quietly, but as an indication of how it might have played out (or how a future outbreak between them might play out), consider Mr E, 43, 12 years younger than his wife – who had bought him chocolate on Valentine’s Day in February and naturally expected a return gift on White Day in March. When Mr E forgot, the violence that followed got her arrested for alleged attempted murder. Unfortunately the magazine provides no indication of what happened then. Very likely the case is still pending.

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56 Comments
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Not one of these couples should have married in the first place. There is no place for DV in any relationship, however any guy that marries a woman and has children better learn to be responsible enough to be around the house and help raise the child too.

I can actually empathize with the women here in these examples, their spouses come across as having the common sense of a door-knob.

-20 ( +15 / -34 )

Always an excuse when a woman acts like a nut case. Funny how somewomen never want to be blamed for anything but always jump up when it is thier turn to blame others. Empathize all you want, probably means you are just like these psychos.

15 ( +24 / -9 )

In 5,971 of them – 10% – the husband was the victim.

The true proportion is much higher than 10%. First off, men are much less likely to report incidents when they are the victim, and when they do the authorities are much less likely to take the report seriously and therefore don't even bother adding it to the statistics.

12 ( +13 / -2 )

Was Mr B the author?

14 ( +14 / -1 )

The true proportion is much higher than 10%. First off, men are much less likely to report incidents when they are the victim, and when they do the authorities are much less likely to take the report seriously and therefore don't even bother adding it to the statistics.

The initial number is probably wrong as well for the exact same reason. Women are less likely to report the crimes if their livelihoods are at stake. Many women, after getting married and moving in with their husbands, have no place to turn to or go and suffer through the abuse.

2 ( +7 / -5 )

Love is a wonderous thing.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

In the US, well over half of the domestic violence incidents are started by women. A cop friend once explained to me that when a woman yells, she's expressing herself. When a man yells, it's domestic violence. When a woman throws something or grabs someone by the arm, it's venting. When a man does it, it's assault.

My take on this; the result of being raised in vastly different manners. Girls are raised to believe they are perfect (you know the rhyme, What are girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice.). Boys, course are made of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. Boys compete; we play sports that have winners and losers. The greatest lesson that sports teach is not working together---anyone who has played sports will tell you that it sport is a true meritocracy and the best set the rules and get special privileges---but learning that you never get everything you want everytime you want it. Girls, on the other had, perform; they play the piano, dance or sing and everyone regardless of talent/ability gets a ribbon and is equally perfect and wonderful and great. The result is that boys are often "no" and "you're not good enough" at an early age and girls are not. Some will point out that girls play sports too but that coincides with the latest trend of not keeping score lest someone's feelings get hurt.

I am very proud to have one of my companies found and financially support a shelter for battererd spouses and children in my native Detroit. But one snag I ran in to was my the insistence of the city hall that men be barred from the facility. I balked and said what about the men who are abused. "Oh, Sam, " the response went. "Women never hurt men." That attitude needs to be reexamined.

13 ( +21 / -9 )

Dear Mr. Tarou sarariman, if you think you can come home at 6 or 7 am and expect me or your wife to believe that you were doing anything "work-related" then you deserve an arse-whooping. I think the first example the wife has every reason to be angry at the philanderer.

-17 ( +7 / -23 )

That's a huge assumption, Reckless.

12 ( +14 / -2 )

@Himajin, it is also accurate.

-17 ( +3 / -19 )

Women want equal rights, well then they need to recognise male DV victims. I have been one myself, and it's a level of anguish that very few men can relate to...

18 ( +20 / -2 )

@sighclops - "Women want equal rights..."

Women DO NOT want equal rights. They want the POWER that men have always had... The POWER to ABUSE and to get away with it...

1 ( +11 / -11 )

@Reckless, you sure live up to your username. And surely you'd been a white collar job man working a job from 8-5. Haven't you think there are factories and so are the offices in those factories with night shift just like mine? Hence if one stars at 20:00 and ends at 5:00, surely he'd be home by around 6. That is granting there's no overtime. What if like me, I always start at 19:00 and from recently ended at 4:00 or months before at 8:00, would you think that is weird? Back to the article, from the way I see it in almost all factories I've worked, yes the women are much more difficult to handle and to work with. If I were a man and married to anyone of them, I'd prepare divorce papers right away. I do know I'm quite weird but those terrible women who were formerly part of fusoku and now working in factories, they are simply terrible and I won't doubt at all the DV cases of men in this article. True there are lazy husbands out there who only knows how to read the papers, watch TV, play the pachinko, f....k and handover unmanageable budget while leaving everything else to a working wife who is still culturally adjusting. Those kind of men do need some kicking and leaving. But as I've observed it even in my workplace where we work for just a fraction of our time and life, those kind of women are to be distanced.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

But the trend is unmistakable: Men are weakening while women grow strong.

Anyone who thinks domestic violence has anything to do with strength or weakness is someone who doesn't understand domestic violence - and most likely someone who doesn't want to understand it.

sighclopsOCT. 02, 2015 - 11:16AM JST Women want equal rights, well then they need to recognise male DV victims. I have been one myself, and it's a level of anguish that very few men can relate to...

I think everything you've said is factually true, but by implication you're creating a contrasting notion between women wanting equal rights and male DV victims being recognized, there's the implication that women who want equal rights generally don't recognize male DV victims. I don't think that's an implication that can be made.

I'm not saying you're intentionally trying to create this implication, but I've known a lot of guys who try to respond to feminists by blaming them for men not being recognized as DV victims. If anything, feminism and the breaking down of gender roles has helped male victims of DV get recognition. Even in this article, the stigma against male DV victims reporting their problem is coming from workplace superiors- overwhelmingly other men. No doubt there are some women who superficially support equal rights but buy into out-dated notions of gender roles saying that male victims are just weak men, but absent evidence I'm skeptical there are that many women who have thought through a feminist position who are contributing to this problem.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Judging by the comments I'm guessing no one here is actually married. I have experienced first hand several of these cases. Not that it matters as there is always a good reason why the woman is doing this...

-3 ( +4 / -7 )

"Not that it matters as there is always a good reason why the woman is doing this..."

Interesting comment. Does this apply to domestic violence cases involving lesbians (which are increasing at an alarming rate)?

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Wow Sam, you certainly have made a lot of sexist comments for a man who works with a shelter.

-11 ( +4 / -16 )

@Tmarie. Name one. Name the sexist comment.

7 ( +11 / -4 )

@trinklets2, I apologize as I did not consider factory workers. I am surrounded by sarariman drones every day and my mind has turned to oatmeal.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

@Himajin, it is also accurate.

I agree with you based on the absolutely nothing to support your stance.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

If only these women would dress up in leather gear and buy a whip to dish out the punishment, everything would probably be OK.

8 ( +14 / -7 )

Super-PMS formerly disambiguated to PMDD on wikipedia, but now you have to look harder.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_syndrome

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome affecting 3–8% of women. ... Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant.[4] Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD.[4] Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include: ...

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Not new, not surprising.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

@Tmarie. Name one. Name the sexist comment.

HOw about this one - Girls are raised to believe they are perfect...

No? How about Boys compete; we play sports...

Or how about Girls, on the other had, perform; they play the piano, dance or sing and everyone regardless of talent/ability gets a ribbon and is equally perfect and wonderful and great.

Nah? This one? The result is that boys are often "no" and "you're not good enough" at an early age and girls are not.

I 100% support men needing more help in DV situations, 100% agree that men need shelters. I 100% disagree that you believe girls are raised to believe they are perfect, not compete and not play sports. I also disagree with your views on women because you post speaks loud and clear how you feel about women in general and frankly your attitude for someone involved with a shelter is frightening. Your comments are rather interesting considering women suffer from higher depression rates, more eating disorders and lower self confidence.

-2 ( +7 / -9 )

Communication (or total lack of) is the problem is all these case.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

I was only ever assaulted in my life (except for a few junior high scuffles) by a Bryn Mar college student at a frat party. I made a sekshual joke and she felt the right and need to pull her arm back as far as possible and slap me with all her strength for insulting her friend. Of course as a man I neither punched her in the ugly face or called the police to have her arrested for assault. My friends nearly pissed themselves laughing. Love them feminists.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

What kind of "man" allows this to happen to him.? I do not understand people who allow their kids or wives to beat them. You do not need to hurt or retaliate in any way surely as that's making it worse, but surely you can hold her hands, distance yourself, or even sit on her a bit and get calm and talk. There's a WHOLE LOT of other problems in the household if your spouse is beating you with their fists. It has nothing to do with walking the dog or dropping a diaper. And allowing someone to hurt you just enables the abuser and teaches them it's alright. Obviously a stronger man hurting a woman is not the same in the sense that she can control it.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Your comments are rather interesting considering women suffer from higher depression rates, more eating disorders and lower self confidence.

And yet it is men who are by far the most likely to take their own lives.

Women: Me, me, me. me.

9 ( +9 / -1 )

The true proportion is much higher than 10%.

It's closer to 60% (women victims) - 40% (men victims), but more men don't report because it's embarrassing. I know because I'm a survivor, and that's what the counselors told me. I knew my first wife for a couple of years before we married, never a problem. Then one day she snapped and started beating me right in front of our friends, and over time it just got worse. I put up with it for many years, until she swore she was gonna kill me then hit me in the head with a hammer when I wasn't looking.

8 ( +9 / -1 )

Damn, that's rough. Glad to hear you got out of it.

I dated a girl back in the homeland who used to kick me on occasion, and hard, to the point where I'm comfortable calling it domestic violence. It took all I had to restrain myself from hitting her back. That kind of relationship is not healthy to be in.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

"Early one morning he was just getting home as she was leaving for the office."

This is problem #1. He should have been back home way before this.

"Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his shin. His wife had dealt him a swift kick. "Sleeping! Is this a time to sleep?” Mr A bowed low in apology"

This is problem #2. After putting the baby down, Mr. A should have kicked her right back and demanded an apology, and if refused or gave him any more trouble, taken the baby to a safe place and then started the divorce proceedings.

-1 ( +4 / -5 )

@tmaire. I gather from your comments that you are a woman and from your point of view my comments could be considered sexist. Of course I could counter by asking which of my comments are not accurate:

Boys play more sports than girls do. This is a fact.

Girls perform and gets medals,etc. regardless of ability. Again this is true. Have you ever seen a girl booed for messing up in a piano recital? More importantly I am not saying girls should get booed, I'm just making an observation that boys learn about disappointment at an early age. Girls on the other hand often do not because few people tell them no or they are not good enough. Yes, girls do play sports...and this led to scores no longer being kept. I'm not saying that girls can't play sports and many of them are more athletic than yours truly. But we don't call girls sissies when they cry. Boys on the other hand....

"I 100% disagree that you believe girls are raised to believe they are perfect..." Daddy's little princess,etc.

"...not compete and not play sports." I didn't say that. I said that

"I also disagree with your views on women because you post speaks loud and clear how you feel about women in general and frankly your attitude for someone involved with a shelter is frightening." But I am involved. Currently 27 women and 38 children in the Metro area are sleeping in warm beds and eat hot meals and do not live in fear because of my direct intervention. Say what you will about my comments; I walk the walk.

"Your comments are rather interesting considering women suffer from higher depression rates, more eating disorders and lower self confidence." If my previous comments caused you grief you should really brace yourself because the following comment will do a doozy; perhaps some of the "depression" and "eating disorders" and "lower self confidence" you speak of is the result of too much self absorption.

Why am I coming down so hard on you? Because you missed the one sexist comment made by Gerard van Schip. "Not that it matters as there is always a good reason why the woman is doing this..."

That is a sexist comment.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

@tmarie. If the moderator will allow it, I would like to ask you which of my comments do not contain a fair amount of truth. But that may be off topic. I am, however, surprised that you allowed this comment to stand...

In response to violence committed by women, one poster wrote, "Not that it matters as there is always a good reason why the woman is doing this..."

Does this nugget refer to women-on-men violence only or is it OK if women hurt each other if they are in a same-sex relationship?

"I also disagree with your views on women because you post speaks loud and clear how you feel about women in general and frankly your attitude for someone involved with a shelter is frightening."

That's OK as long as it's acknowledged that a number of women and children had a place to eat and sleep without fear when they escaped violent situations because of my direct intervention. You may not like my attitude but I walk the walk.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

Many women are partial to getting violent especially if drinking and can get away with it because they're a woman.Lots of women hit their spouse first and the expected thing is for the man to take it because men shouldn't hit women.That is so wrong.But when a women's out of control," surely you can hold her hands, distance yourself, or even sit on her a bit and get her to calm down and talk" doesn't work,cuz when she doesn't give a pluck,you have decisions to make.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

women are the same in respect to men in the fact that most of them can control their temper and refrain from escalating an argument into violence. unfortunately with the women that don't fall into this category they seem to think that because they are a woman that they can dish out violence and then at the same time be exempt from it on the boomerang. When a woman is violent a man should respond in kind otherwise it goes to their head and they think they can get away with it every time. I would never hit a woman with a closed fist but I have been hit with one by women on occasions and each time I have slapped their face hard to let them know that violence begets violence and when it comes to which point women are not special. Just because they have a vagina does not entitle them to be violent and get away with it. To all the men out there, don't be afraid to hit a woman back if she hits you.

3 ( +6 / -3 )

Accused falsely early on I stopped meeting anybody at all but still the accusations came. How do you prove a negative? And when they finally leave you, take the children and refuse access the family courts sides with them completely.

8 ( +8 / -0 )

My older brother was constantly attacked by his ex, who he is totally capable of sending off to the Hospital, but chose NOT to...that way, SHE went to JAIL...NOT him. He has finally divorced the psyco...I never liked her...good riddance.

6 ( +7 / -1 )

ive never been physical violent towards my wife in all our years of marriage, weve had some very heated arguments when we were younger. On one occassion she decided she`d let out a backhander that caught me on the side of the face. While it didnt hurt much, I grabbed her hand and with a very stern words, inches from her face told her to never F do that again. While I was very angry I was never out of control that id hit her. Even many years later she says she remembers the fire in my eyes and realised she had done wrong, lesson learned. I was brought up learning to never hit a woman and I still believe that today. If you a man you need to toughen up and take control, you can control a violent woman without getting violent yourself. If shes still out of control restrain her and call the police, record it if possible. A night at the police station might wake her up, if that fails then dump her

1 ( +4 / -3 )

. If you a man you need to toughen up and take control, you can control a violent woman without getting violent yourself.

That is one of the lines that they will take with you. "A real man would control himself and not resort with violence." This is an absolute fallacy. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. Violence is disgusting and should be abolished. If a woman doesn't understand this then prove it with a hard slap on the cheek.

6 ( +8 / -2 )

I was there once, too. Mostly when my first wife who was the child of alcoholics was drinking. She could go berserk at any time and often did. I never hit back.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

If you have a wife that commits DV against a man when she has a panic attack related to unresolved childhood issues, it can take literally several hours for her to calm down. When there's a mental health issue involved there is an additional reluctance to report the incident as you are put in the position of often being the sole caregiver. It's hard to walk out on someone when they need help - your help even when it hurts you...

7 ( +8 / -1 )

DV is definitely is an indication of difference aspects of life out of balance -- and inability to make realistic sense of ones world. It is not gender specific as we see in this article. As we have seen in other posts, risk factors of DV are influenced a lot by family, community and environment. Society here (all the way to the government for goodness sakes) seems to focus on more autocratic styles with society having a very rigid expectations of life and harsh punishments. It is not surprising then that some people resolve to DV. At the same time I have met people/families who are determined not to follow the autocratic life and to set better examples -- most have travelled outside of Japan or have some connection to the outside world.

Japan needs good examples of non-autocratic lifestyles and any chance a person has to encourage alternative lifestyles that show it is possible to be in control of your life would help society. I've shared my ideas with people here about this and it has helped some. That's my view.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Physics tells us that for every action there's an opposite reaction. Karma tells us that what goes around comes around. Only a matter of time, really...

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Mr. C is a real coward. Afraid to leave his own house? Most likely, he is the one paying the mortgage and putting food on the table. This guy really needs to put his foot down, perhaps a little more.

If his story is true, divorce would be better. In these contemporary times women aren't putting up with it, why should Mr. C?

2 ( +3 / -1 )

thepersonIamnow, I changed the genders of your comment. Would it still fly? This is the problem, that people completely discount what men go through. You know you could/would not say this about a woman-

" What kind of "woman" allows this to happen to her.? I do not understand people who allow their kids or husbands to beat them. You do not need to hurt or retaliate in any way surely as that's making it worse, but surely you can hold his hands, distance yourself, or even sit on him a bit and get calm and talk. There's a WHOLE LOT of other problems in the household if your spouse is beating you with their fists. It has nothing to do with walking the dog or dropping a diaper. And allowing someone to hurt you just enables the abuser and teaches them it's alright. Obviously a stronger man hurting a woman is not the same in the sense that she can control it."

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Men are weakening while women grow strong.

I don't think this is the right way to put it. Are you strong when you have to beat your spouse to get your point across? Are you weak when your significant other suddenly starts getting violent? Please don't insinuate that the strong one is the one doing the punching.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

The fact is the law has created this problem. Laws that were meant to protect women, and do protect women, are also being used to support domestic violence against men.

What can a man do?

If he fights back, he'll be arrested for assault, go to jail, and lose his kids. If he stands strong and files for divorce, he'll lose the kids and end up paying alimony. For kickers, the wide will probably accuse him of abuse to be sure he never sees the kids again.

All the other solutions here are facile, and only useful if the woman is not all that bad to begin with and if there are no kids involved. Blaming the victim is easy for some people.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

For sure I see it Jwomen can be incredibly violent and controlling. I have seen them and I dont need an answer its just Japan. They can hit their husbands and bash and kill their children. I know. Jwomen. No its the truth. Cultural difference. Apparently.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Tim_Fix is correct Women can have panic disorders and because women are mentally weaker they flail and lash out . This is not domestic violence it's scared women freaking out. Calm your spouse and all is well.

-5 ( +1 / -6 )

@Himajin

You assume that if you flip what I said from male to female that it would make sense and show the real problem?? Obviously the world is not black and white and DV is a problem. I'm not going to bother getting into a debate cause this is a long topic.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

My ex slashed all my paintings and even my pillow. Very scary.

3 ( +5 / -2 )

I went through DV when I was married to my Japanese ex-wife. Domestic violence is no joke..

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Everyone knows how much can bear and why they do it. For me the point is easy, the problems inside a family are private, and they are who need to solve their problems if they decide to do it and when they are ready for it. No one should opine except their relatives about DV; especially not the state, unless there is a homicide or something extremely serious.

Respect privacy is essential, but only one thing could be really extremely rotten in relation with this topic, and it is in the case that happened that the state decided to give a special protection to women over men. Clearly, even if state were blind to gender it would be wrong let it violate family privacy, but if besides it doesn’t give the same treatment to men and women, it is just scandalously unacceptable.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

I witnessed a Japanese female boss slap and kick a male subordinate while verbally abusing him in the office. Same-sex couples also face this scourge. It's often under reported because same-sex victims feel hesitant to go to the police at times. No matter the type of couple, or gender of the abuser, they need to face the consequences of their behavior. Being a male or female as the abuser has nothing to do with this.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Japanese men here are seriously lacking funcional domestic duties. They rather pay a sevice to have a nail hammered in a piece of wood. And society is to expect Japanese men are capable when it comes to family tasks? Good luck with that. I don't blame one bit for Japanese wives to outburst their rage...

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

I don't blame one bit for Japanese wives to outburst their rage...

So if you think there are justifiable reasons why a wife should hit her husband, then you must also agree that there are justifiable reasons for a husband to hit his wife, right?

1 ( +1 / -0 )

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