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Parents and children have never been as close as they are now, frets Shukan Josei (March 17).
Why “frets”? Isn’t parent-child closeness a good thing? Yes, up to a point. Beyond that point – and however difficult it may be to locate that point, we may safely say we’re past it when, for example, parents accompany their children to university entrance exams – it risks being a millstone around the child’s neck. The parents’ too, maybe.
Parents tagging along for exams has become so prevalent over the past five or six years, says Hosei University “career design” professor Koichiro Komikawa, that the university has set aside a special room for them.
In the past, Komikawa explains, parents were protectors and teachers, sometimes stern ones. To children, they were “the system,” “the establishment,” “the institution” – something to rebel against. Now, “parents of the generation whose children are in university want to be their children’s friends," he says.
One result emerges in a survey Komikawa was involved in. He asked his students if they had rebelled as teenagers. Fewer than 10 in 100 said they had – and even for those who had, it had gone no farther than, say, ignoring dad when he came on too strong.
What’s childhood without rebellion? More to the point, what’s adulthood following an overly docile childhood? An extended childhood, Shukan Josei fears.
It cites the example of a 19-year-old Tokyo-area student who lives an hour and a half away from her university and is often late for her first class, whose professor happens to be very strict – three times late, no course credit. What to do? What else – run to mom, who promptly took the matter in hand. She went to school, met the prof, apologized for her daughter’s lateness, explained the reason for it – and returned home beaming. “Don’t worry,” she said. “Problem solved.”
Which is fine, but the daughter’s complacency seems a bit disturbing. “I don’t worry about anything,” she says. "Mom is so good at that sort of thing.”
None of this may be as new as Shukan Josei supposes. As far back as the late 1960s – a time of mass adolescent rebellion if ever there was one – an Asahi Shimbun poll showed University of Tokyo students respected their mothers more highly than any other individual.
These are dangerous times. More so than other times? Maybe not – all times seem dangerous to those who live in them. But the terrorist threat and a rash of what seem like motiveless violent crimes, widely covered by the media, have created the impression of vague dangers lurking just around the corner. Nervous parents are apt to be over-protective. Over-protective parents raise over-protected children.
What becomes of them beyond childhood? Generalizations are suspect, but Shukan Josei goes on to discuss adults who “want to leave the cageless hell but can’t.” The “cageless hell” is the parental home, the childhood nest that has to be abandoned for a fully adult life but has grown irresistibly secure and comfortable – and so one stays on and on. Statistics cited by the magazine show 74.8% of single men aged 35-39, and 78.5% of single women in the same age group, still live with their parents.
© Japan Today
24 Comments
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nath
"The discipline of suffering, of great suffering - do you not know that it is this discipline alone that has produced all the elevations of humanity so far?"
If you can't send your kids off to college without you, you probably are going to fail as a parent.
CrazyJoe
Parental lament?
375sensei
Kids are pampered, mollycoddled and tied to their mother's apron strings for way too long. Getting kicked out of the bird's nest at 18 seems to be a thing of the past.
Tessa
Statistics cited by the magazine show 74.8% of single men aged 35-39, and 78.5% of single women in the same age group, still live with their parents.
The apron strings aren't necessarily cut even after adult children marry and leave home. I'm acquainted with a young housewife who spends two weeks a month at her parents' home, because she misses them so much. And when she's away from home, her husband goes to stay with his own mother because he can't cook!
Other young and not so young couples receive a good deal of financial support from their parents, too. I've heard of couples who have their utilities and rental fees completely paid for by their parents. I think it's good for families to help each other out like that, but some are really way too co-dependent.
GW
Japan babies its own far too much in a lot of cases, however with the birthrate falling we are now daily witnessing a category thats growing & that's the group of parents who don't give a damn about their kids & can start right after birth with sometimes deadly consequences.
Middle ground doesn't appear to be too prevalent.
My parents were great, supported & were reasonably strict, if I didn't do my part funds/support would stop & the door would be opened & Little ole me pushed out, good & FAIR incentives.
When I was at Uni my old room was quickly re-done & was no longer a bed room, when I visited home I got the couch to sleep on etc, it was good for me. When I graduated mom & dad let me blow off steam for a week & then informed me I could no longer sleep on the couch, they set up a cot in the laundry room where the floor had a slight slope but VERY noticeable when sleeping.
I had found a job & had a place in less than 2months after Uni & have never lived at home since
Tessa
I love your parents!
nath
I moved out at 16, and worked evenings at subway after high school. I couldn't imagine another day living at home at that point.
Kids can't afford to move out anymore, it's too expensive.
FightingViking
I was probably born too independent... I moved - not only out of my parents house - but even out of the country, when I was just 18... Father was a little worried about his daughter but couldn't get me to come back home because at 18, one is considered an "adult". I loved both my parents and my brothers dearly and "dropped by" from time to time to visit but I never went back home to live. My own son went to live - alone - in France after leaving school here in Japan. I guess it's "in the blood" !
wtfjapan
I was probably born too independent... theres no such thing, my family is very similar no fewer than 7 members are now living and working in different countries married to foreign nationals including myself. but they all take the time out to come back together every 5 yrs or so for a family reunion. being independant allows you too travel and see the world without spending you whole life closed in your little world expecting somebody else to support when time are tough. it makes you stronger and not fearful of things that you shouldnt be afraid of in the first place. the peter pan syndrome is actually a problem in Japan that is holding the country up in intergrating in international society and accepting of more foreign nationals.
trinklets2
I just remember myself in mid 70's, like a helpless kitten applying in one of the govt colleges now a university. Everybody had their parents, siblings even their grandmoms with them and I was the only one alone. Many experiences like this made me what Iam now. Sad but grateful.
FightingViking
@wtfjapan
Did you read my post ? I also went back for "family reunions" from time to time but little brother died at age 14. My father 18 months later. My mother came to visit us in Japan. I went back to visit her several times before she died (just when I needed her most - in the middle of our divorce...) I just never went back to LIVE with them...
wtfjapan
@fighting yes i realise that, shouldnt be any need to go back and live with your family unless you need emotional support. relying on your parents for financial support when your a grown adult is just plain lazy and weak minded. youll never be a fully independant individual if you cant break the say at home mentality, even when you marry and have children. as is all too common in Japan. I lived at home for a few years after my first job. but it didnt stop my parents making me pay my way, eg rent/food. they certainly didnt need the financial support, it was just a matter of principle. If you can afford to pay your way then there are no free rides anymore. a lesson i didnt like at the time but certainly respect them for today. As i will be teaching my kids when they land there first job and decide and if they decide to stay at home. (but not too long)
drakedogma
Oh I don't know, Japan seems to be doing very well for themselves with obedient kids, unlike certain places in America that do poorly due to over-rebellion
DeDe Miura
Many of my middle-aged women students say they expect to get "repaid" by having their kids take care of them when they are too old. They don't think it would be a burden on them... just the natural way it is from their perspective. I guess that's the way it is in Japan... or is it an Asian thing... or is it that I was raised in the U.S. and expected to be more independent? I'm still wondering.
nath
It's an Asian thing. Many parents will invest more money into the first son (university, housing etc) as the first son is expected to take in his parents when they get old. It's the way things are, and the first sons also know this. This is why many girls don't want to marry a first son - they don't want to have to take care of their in-laws when they get older. Conversely however, many times the first sons are the ones with the best jobs and most money, as they've had the most invested in them, which is why first sons are still able to get married even when the women know about their future obligations.
DeDe Miura
Thanks Strangerland...I now understand. I lived in the Philippines before Japan... and I saw how because of lack of finances, they gave it all to the eldest son... or to the Catholic church... it was their greatest pride to have a son who became a priest. I sure learned a lot. I saw how close they were as blood relatives... but of course not everything went perfectly... but they always took care of a family member in need. I felt so selfish comparatively. I saw how living with 3 generations under one roof was a good thing... but sometimes contentious. I still believe that in a wealthier country like Japan it's better to kick them out of the nest early on... no need to keep them at home.
nath
@drakedogma Because the economy of Japan is doing so well and the demographics are in pristine shape, huh?
Sabrage
Single adults living with their parents is increasing quickly across the world.
Mar044
Depends on the culture and situation, I'm 30 live at home, but I'm a only child caring for disabled family member, I find it funny that some people here in Canada look at me badly until I mention the disabled situation, yet some parts of the world it's normal to save money and family caring.
Cathy Cawood
There are always so many 'experts' telling people how they should live their lives!
Tamarama
Certainly nor unique to Japan, this.
bullfighter
The pattern described in this article is hardly peculiar to Japan. Do a search on "helicopter parents" to verify this for yourself. Adult children, especially males, living with their parents has long been a pattern in southern Europe, especially Italy. Recent articles on US, UK, Australia show that it is increasingly common in those countries as well as others. Korea is also know for the pattern described in the article, perhaps even more so than Japan.
Laguna
I've got the opposite problem. My son is in college in the States and, though we talk often, it is mostly about the little things he misses about Japan - the weather, his friends, local events. Getting him to talk about his own life is like chucking around a manhole cover. I am proud of him and miss him greatly and respect that he is capable of taking care of things by himself, but to have that "dad" part so suddenly ripped out of ones life is disconcerting.