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Telltale signs that you’re turning into an office deadweight

20 Comments

“Don’t let yourself become a 40-something flunky!” exhorts Spa! magazine. Inside, the weekly tabloid offers its younger readers tips on how to avoid ending up as a middle-aged loser, starting with a checklist of telltale signs that you’re turning into an office deadweight.

  • “I’m so busy!” is becoming your catchphrase
  • You have too much to do and no idea where to start
  • You tell your subordinates to make reports without understanding the content yourself
  • When you’ve tried to do a project single-handedly, you’ve come up short
  • Your conversations tend to drag on interminably
  • You’ve gone to meetings without knowing why they were being held
  • You’re often leaving things until the last minute then getting flustered
  • You think if you’ve got the willpower and spirit, results will come naturally
  • You look at your subordinates and tut-tut about “young people these days…”
  • You’re often reminiscing about “the good old days”
  • When you go home without working much overtime, you don’t know what to do with yourself
  • You spend a lot of time with coworkers but not much time with anyone else
  • You get absorbed with the work that’s right in front of you, then later realize you’ve overlooked other things that need to be done
  • When people ask what your goals are, you struggle to think of a reply
  • If you submitted your resignation today, your company wouldn’t try to stop you

0-5 You’re safe for the time being. Look at your less capable coworkers and try to up your game in comparison.

6-10 Be careful! You’re already on the way to becoming an office deadweight. Watch out in order to prevent further decline.

11-15 We’ve got ourselves an emergency situation here. Anyone can see you’re a terrible employee. You’re beyond help—looks like it’s time to go back to basics.

© Metropolis magazine (www.metropolis.co.jp)

©2019 GPlusMedia Inc.

20 Comments
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My now unemployed ex-assistant got a 11/15! She didnt get worse score because she didnt have any subordinates. Look out, lots of dead wood out there.

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Haahaaaa I love this article. Describes my bosses.

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nice idea for an article, poorly written and executed

Moderator: Please explain why. It's only a translation of a brief humorous article in Spa!

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One reason I love to be self-employed: if you start drifting into this territory, you notice real quick.

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There's an American bloke at my office who's ticking at least 11 of these boxes. He's so busy he can only communicate in snarled monosyllables, but he only shuffles into the office about 11. Then he bleats about having to get something finished before 5. Having worked in a Japanese office for decades, he's signed up to the perception that making a job take a long time is the same thing as doing it well. Plus he dyes his hair but not his moustache and expects us not to notice. He really is an arse.

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nice idea for an article, poorly written and executed

Concur. Some of these are too ambiguous, and could be applied to almost anybody: workaholics, office dead-weight, getting old in general (regardless of work performance). Some(well, at least one) are on the mark, though:

If you submitted your resignation today, your company wouldn’t try to stop you

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This reads like passive aggressive tripe written by some petulant underling who got yelled at one too many times by their section manager.

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Japanese 40 plus managers to a tee

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I thought becoming a 40 something deadweight was the goal of most employees!

But yeah, half of these points are good, the other half are stupid, they're the complete opposite of being an office deadweight.

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Just when I am feeling good about myself, this reminder has to come. Move aside Garfield, your successor is on her way...

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@Ivan- why do you feel it necessary to point out he is American? "there is a bloke at my office" would have made your story less interesting or comical? not in the least. A poor reflection on yourself.

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@Kaptankichigai

I mentioned that he was American because he is American. Just like I mentioned he's an arse because he is an arse. I also expect he will read this and give me the silent treatment next week, like a petulant old woman.

It is not a poor reflection on myself, but rather an accurate observation of the dreary old get who sits in the room, sucking any chance of joy out of the day like a dementor.

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You may be turning into an office deadweight, if you read and post too many comments on Japan Today during work time. Ooops.

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@Ivan-in all honesty, you mentioned he was American because you felt it added to the aspersions you were casting on his character. You dont have one nice thing to say about him so lets not pretend calling him American was just arbitrary. Were he in a wheelchair would you have mentioned it? How about his skin color? All I am saying is that him being American has nothing to do with your story and when you are painting a grim picture with nothing but harsh words, "American" becomes synonymous with the rest of them. Its called context.

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Kaptankichigai - you write your posts, and I shall write mine. I'll thank you not to make assumptions as to the reasoning behind my choice of words.

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Man this blurb is BAD BAD BAD

Spa = dead weight, JT get rid of this one, swore I was reading something from kyodo!

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I am American and IvanCoughalot pointing out the nationality doesn't bother me in the least. Many Americans are workaholics for no reason. The capitalist brainwash. Lazy people relish their time. Everyone will be dead soon enough. Remember that. It seems the American bloke gets this.

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ronaldk. I agree totally with your comments. We go to work for 1 reason and 1 reason only ie to get cash so that we can live our lives. Why kill ourselves for the rich and elite who care about as much for their little employees as dogs' business on the pavement.

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Ivan- I totally understand you. There's a Brit and an Australian in my office who are fat, smelly, and could easily check off 15 of these.

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This bloke isn't a workaholic, far from it. He shuffles in at 11 am and sits around until 7 pm on the dot making very very simple tasks take hours apiece, with a finished product that's unusable.

But because he works so inefficiently, he reckons he's too busy to do any of the real work that needs doing, or to exercise elementary courtesy, and only communicates in grunted snidery, when he absolutely has to, or to vainly try to establish himself as superior in some way. He isn't too busy to spend a third of his working hours standing outside smoking cigarettes, however.

He really is an absolute tool, and he's not fooling anyone with his hair colour, either.

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