The do's and don'ts of having an affair

This is old advice for those that enjoy the chase and excitement of extra marital affairs. From the Ojisans I know, it is a normal custom to have a mistress on the side. From the younger generation, it is something they need to try at least once. Remember the famous words of “The grass is always greener (on the other side of the fence)", then make the choice to be monogamous or not.

wow, i gotta print this our and carry it with me everywhere... NOT! using your cell phone is by far the easiest way to get busted.

using your cell phone is by far the easiest way to get busted.

If you never used it for anything, then suddenly use it furiously in front of your wife, then yes. The key is to text your friends a lot and also the mistress. Further, you have to scrub your phone of information, use the secret mode, and keep it locked.

Another clever but expensive option is have a secret cell phone.

“Furin”—the sort of love that’s supposedly off-limits to the married

Welcome to English 101. Its called a fling.

seansezso: Thanks. I was trying to figure out what word was being imitated here. I wish they'd printed it in katakana, as well as English.

不倫 (ふりん). This is the Japanese word for it and it isn't a katakana version for "fling". Japanese 101.

不倫 (ふりん). This is the Japanese word for it and it isn't a katakana version for "fling". Japanese 101.

But I note that the meaning of the word changed in the early 80's from simply "immoral" to the English "fling". I submit that this was due to the influence of English, and some clever person saw the similarity and made the twist. I am sure entymologists will debate it for years to come.

http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E4%B8%8D%E5%80%AB

As supporting evidence I submit all those Japanese girl names that have kanji but sound mysteriously foreign and are relatively new, like Rina, Erika, Risa, Mari, etc. Some might actually be coincidence, but my understanding is that many are not.

If you do it, then just let your wife or your husband to do the same. Then, you will undestand how dangerous it is.

seansezso, just give it up already and admit that you made a mistake in assuming that the word came from English. LOL

And an entomologist (same pronunciation as "entymologist" in your post) is a person who studies bugs. An etymologist is one who studies word origins.

If u erase emails from your lover, your wife can tell. Your in-box will go from the maximum capacity (ex. 200) to less, 199, 197. To the doubting wife, this is evidence you are trying to hide something.

congrats mojibake..an english speaker literate in his own language,i doff my hat to you. Out of interest where has lipscombes post gone? which incidentally hit the nail on the head..an admirable position..repost it please. Its nice to know that amongst the dross in humanity, (represented here so effortlessly by seansaysso , if you think its cool to give advice aimed at easing the path of inter personal dishonesty then you`re a jerk) there are still people with some capability to function as true humans and not merely two legged animals.

Bento: amen to that!

She'll get her revenge with the NHK man.

...by paying the fee?

These women are crazy. 32-year-old Saitama woman is crazy. My goodness. Who uses their real names? real ages? real anything. These extra women are for relaxation and nothing more. It's been around in Japan for thousands of years and will be for thousands of years. The only rule I hear is that you don't get your girl friend pregnant. That job is only for your old lady. So want to fit in to Japanese society better? tell your wife to find her place and get yourself a young girlfriend.

Passion becomes the step down to the darkness of the lonely soul. When one serves the light (by discipline) one has no time for the frivolity of coital shenanigans (try that one etymologists) there are needs one must suppress in order to gain entrance to the transcendence. The real question is: why is this "she-nanagating" given credence as anything other than the denial of trust. "I trust therefore I can be trusted" just doesn't seem to fit in a society of dumb 'animals'.

What is the point of getting involved with a man that is married or has a girlfriend? I just don't get it. Obviously to me if he does this to the woman he's supposedly committed to he'll do it to you too. There are tons of single guys out there, effin pick one! Sheesh.......

To these women, why bother getting married? Just get a kid from the dude and have him support you and both of you can get "furin" with who ever the hell you want. Problem solved.

I'm with you Cammi. Right on!

If you basically like your wife and don’t want to divorce her, better tell your mistress early on

That comment is amazing to me. Obviously in the presented (and hinted) context that an extra marital affair is ok, most of these comments are on topic, including the ones that actually are giving "better" tips on how to be unfaithful. But thank you stevenleeburton for bringing some sanity to the board.

不 - no 倫 - ethics, morals

thanks Bento. either don't get married or don't have an affair. simple

20 years ago I made the mistake of marrying a Japanese woman that was 10 years older than me (I was young, stupid and lonely at the time). After a few years of marriage, she started showing signs of obsessive jealousy. She kept sniffing my suit jacket and checking it for "foreign" hair after I came home from work, and when we were going out together she would ask me embarrassing questions like "Why is that woman smiling at you? do you know her?", and in one occasion actually went off to ask a girl who had the misfortune of looking my way whether she did know me and warn her to "get the hell of" her husband. The situation worsened to such a point that I actually ended up having an affair that subsequently sunk our marriage, because I thought: "Heck, if I have to be accused on a daily basis of seeing someone and being called a liar if I deny it, I could as well do it anyway".

Jeez... do's and don'ts of having an affair? Dont have an affiar!! Learn to love your wife and family!!!

zenigata

I hope you got divorced, sounds like you married one of the psycho variety, must have been pretty bad at times

"Naturally. “Furin”—the sort of love that’s supposedly off-limits to the married—has been much in and around the news since celeb announcer Mona Yamamoto was spotted last month at a love hotel with married Yomiuri Giants slugger Tomohiro Nioka. Big deal, you might say, but she (who had been through all this once before) lost her anchor spot on Fuji TV’s new news program “Sakiyomi,” and he was suspended for a time. So in that sense, if in no other, it is a big deal."

Mona Yamamoto lost her job.

Tomohiro Nioka was on the Giantsfarm team at the time, and had been for a few months because of injury. He was err...punished for a few days for his actions with Moanin Mona, then made his expected return to the top team anyway. The Giants just went through the motions of "disciplining" him because most of them probably admired him for tagging up and scoring. It is good in baseball, and it is good all around for men. Nioka`s only error was getting caught in the rundown.

Mona Yamamoto just needs to write a tell-all book and rake in the yen.

Quit trying to be a TV newscaster. If comedians can do it-as per another current JT thread-and any airhead busty 20something babe can do it as well-then it really is comedy.

seansezso, just give it up already and admit that you made a mistake in assuming that the word came from English. LOL

mojibake, I may have been hasty in my first post, but the classroom of life has taught me that such coincidences are extremely rare. I have researched and provided a link showing that the meaning of the word underwent a huge and specific shift in the 1980's to match a similar sounding English word exactly. All you have done is criticized a spelling error.

Just give it up already and admit that my hasty assumption had more merit than yours.

But I note that the meaning of the word changed in the early 80's from simply "immoral" to the English "fling". I submit that this was due to the influence of English, and some clever person saw the similarity and made the twist.

Hilarious. The word is a kanji cognate and it means infidelity in Korean and Chinese as well, and probably has for two thousand years. It does not and has not meant simply "immoral." I guess next you will be arguing that the word "sushi" is derived from "fishy" and Japanese learned it from American soldiers after WWII.

if you think its cool to give advice aimed at easing the path of inter personal dishonesty then you`re a jerk

Then I guess I am a jerk! Zenigata2's story is a good reason why I think it is ok to give such advice. I am not pushing anyone down the path of infidelity, but if they are going to do it, they may as well do it right. Personally, I think a responsibly handled affair (and sometimes secrecy equals a responsible handling) is far less damaging to individuals and society than divorce. In fact, for some, a fling or two is just the think to keep them healthy and happy in the marriage, and keep them responsible parents to their children. Maybe Zeni has strong reasons to stay in the marriage but needs relief? Try to think outside of childishly simple views of right and wrong every once in a while.

What is the point of getting involved with a man that is married or has a girlfriend? I just don't get it.

It is just as easy to dream that he is all yours forever when he clearly isn't as it is when the odds are good he isn't. Those are generally your choices, because you may get divorced or he may have cheated.

I suggest enjoying the moments in life you are given, and the special people you can when you can, but be selective. All your post has given me is the impression that it is not so much the man that gives you pleasure and fulfillment as your imagined hold on him. I can't express clearly enough what a turn off that is for me and how shallow and short-sighted I find that outlook. I prefer to love people for who they are rather than what they can give me.

Hilarious. The word is a kanji cognate and it means infidelity in Korean and Chinese as well, and probably has for two thousand years. It does not and has not meant simply "immoral." I guess next you will be arguing that the word "sushi" is derived from "fishy" and Japanese learned it from American soldiers after WWII.

Well, I see no reason to take such stabs at me. I have provided a link showing how the word has changed in Japanese. I gathered from it that the meaning was originally simply "immoral" a word that certainly can be associated with adultery, but is not limited to that meaning by any means. Today, however, in Japan, if you say "furin" at all it seems the chief meaning is "adultery". And that change is far newer than the English use of "fling" for adultery, and it came about during the English boom.

My theory would seem less likely if you can prove that it had that singular meaning in China and Korea for a much longer time, but I look at the Chinese characters for the word, and I have serious doubts it was ever that singular in meaning. The general meaning of "immoral" is backed up in my wife's electronic dictionary, which says quite clearly it is the general meaning, ie simply "immoral", as I said. To clearly say "illicit love affair" it is: furin no koi. So says Mr. Seiko Denshijishou.

If you have proof of the Korean and Chinese angle, please link us up.

If u erase emails from your lover, your wife can tell. Your in-box will go from the maximum capacity (ex. 200) to less, 199, 197. To the doubting wife, this is evidence you are trying to hide something.

Easily remedied. You have four options: a) claim it was junk mail. If you are erasing that stuff frequently anyway, you are well above suspicion. b) Fill the space up mail from your own PC mail account. You can mail yourself pictures, or reminders of dates or other information. You can even set up a fake account and mail yourself junk mail. c) get a friend or friends to mail you as many times as necessary d) present the nosey ball and chain with divorce papers, because if she so snoopy and paranoid that she is bothering you about the size your inbox, even more intrusive and unreasonable behaviour is just around the corner. Get out while you can.

I don't think anyone is having a stab at you seansezso, we're all here trying to find the truth.

but why bother mate..because what you had the first time round was meaningless.

An idealist like this will always be disappointed in life. We all have some secrets and have told some lies. It does not make our relationships meaningless.

Affairs may not be for everyone, but forcing an idealistic one-size-fits-all outlook on everyone is certainly going to leave a lot of people disappointed and dissatisfied with life.

why not spend some of this time talking with your wife..you may just remember why you married her in the first place.

I do talk with my wife. And I do remember why I married her. And I do love her. She is my best friend. She is just not my only friend and I don't feel the need to limit myself like that. But I on the other hand, I am also far from a social butterfly in this or any other aspect.

And FYI, most of my posts here are about the word "furin", not defending myself. You are grasping at straws with that as well your childish corruption of my user name. What has gotten under your skin? Too much fidelity?

Sometimes what begins as an extramarital affair can turn into a rock-solid, lasting partnership. Mr Zaichik and I were both unhappily married (both having married rather young) to other people when our relationship began. What we found in each other was someone who appreciated the other for who they were, rather than criticising them for who they weren't. I left my husband, he left his wife, and we've been living together for four years, far happier than we were with our exes. We've gone through some very trying times together and this makes us appreciate our relationship all the more.

I don't think that deceiving one's spouse is a good thing. I merely seek to suggest that there are shades of grey, and that a rush to judgement is not the most positive response.

One thing I learned in 20 years of USN service was to never smile when you are packing for a trip overseas. That is a sure sign to the wife/spouse that something is going on. If you are happy to leave, then you must be going somewhere.

Not to pass judgement or personal beliefs, butfor the guy in the story, his best bet would be just to stop by one of the many "soaplands" or other establishments and take care of his needs. In the long run, he will come out cheaper. Better to pay up front, get it over with and go home rather than going out to dinner, hotels, gifts, and the possibility that someone will see you and report back to the wife.

For Zenigata2, I know what you probably went through. A friend of mine married like you (he was fresh off the boat in Yokosuka, and married a women 15 yrs older than he, and she had "been around" and finally found someone). A woman like that is looking out for her self interest in making sure that she does not get done to her what she probably had been doing to other women while she was younger.

I don't understand why people bother to lead such complicated lives by having affairs and then analyzing the dos/don't.

but some wives say they can even smell a hotel’s hot water.”

what peanarse is that?

But agree with greensatindress.. Don`t want the complications? don:t have an affair then.

“I placed a hair of mine in the buttonhole of his trunks.”

She's not referring to hair on her head, is she?

If you have children, Dont Cheat. Because you are not just cheating on your wife, you are cheating on innocent children. They dont deserve it. IF you dont have children, whats the point of being married? seansezso, I understand what you are trying to say and your point was well made 2000 words ago. Getting defensive only gives the vultures more to feed upon. A thicker skin and a shorter breath is called for.

You say you love her and protest she is your best friend..and yet you lie to her every day of your life..pathetic

Wife: "What are you so happy about?"

The husband should have said, "I'm married to you, aren't I?"

Sarge, So true.

‘What’re you so happy about?’ I said, ‘What?’ She says, ‘You’re humming. That’s not like you.’

“I hadn’t even noticed. But it was true, I was feeling pretty high. Naturally I immediately glummed down…”

If a spouse (male or female) suspects that their partner is showing a new sense of "happiness" and they are suspicous, then there are a lot more things wrong with that relationship than having an affair. If someone can't be just happy "because" and not because they are seeing someone and the other party is suspicous because that is not a normal behavior (I guess then you are to be not happy and smiling in the home, only when you are told to by the spouse on things that they approve)then I probably would not want to be in that type of relationship. Yes I know cheating is wrong, but so is making your spouse miserable and not being happy if someone has decided to cheer up their attitude, without the cheating involved.

If you basically like your wife and don’t want to divorce her.... don't get a mistress, stupid.

How dim are these men that they need advice like this? And what does the other woman see in these brains-in-their-pants so-called men?

Sheesh.

If you don't like your wife and she refuses to divorce you, and gives you carte blanche to do what you like, but the marriage is non-negotiable, what do you do?

Alphaape,

One thing I learned in 20 years of USN service was to never smile when you are packing for a trip overseas.

The way it was taught to me was, "never whistle while you pack your seabag."

Taka

“My wife has amazing intuition,” - that's why it's not a good idea to have an affair.

Funny, this post.

Well, I know that it is like trying to cover the sun with a finger to say to all husbands/wives "don't cheat" or "don't have an affair/fling/furin" (I found terribly boring that discussion too). But I understand that is part of human nature to cheat once in a while. If you are married, and cannot be faithful, having a fling or two would not be harmful to the marriage if you are discreet, you are careful in not getting diseases and the episode is short-lived. Problem is when you have a more "permanent" lover or mistress, if you have to do that, then the best thing is to get a divorce, but even if that the case, don't promise your lover that. If you say so, your lover would demand to comply with your promise, which is very rare that you really leave your spouse for the lover (unless you are in love), after that, if you marry your lover, knowing the cheating history would make her/him suspicious of having other affairs...

My sister in law told me she never worries about my brother cheating on her, because he's such a transparent liar.

My brother's response: "That sounds like a challenge."

I can't really see the benifit to me of having an affair.

When I was younger, well, i didn't get married because it was all about me. ( I suppose its not unusual for a young man to be so) As I have aged, though, I get a larger and larger satisfaction, and happiness, providing for my family and others.

The satisfaction I get for getting what I want is somewhat shallow in comparrison to the deep sense of gratification that I get for providing. Its a temporary alleviating of immediate need (food, fast cars, fast women) as compared to lasting fullfillment of a deeply personal motive -- the love of a good women, my family, community and county,

So, you see, I can't really see the benifit to me of having an affair.

And I really don't want to loose all that my wife and I have worked toward.

But that's really no more than a personal thing to me. I really don't feel comfortable extending what's good for me and my wife to all of humanity. IF these salarymen want to have affairs, well, they have every right to do so and little concern to me.

The benefits of having an affiar? Let me list them:

Many Japanese wives cease to have sex after they have had kids. Many couples even get separate beds after they've had their lot of children. I met a guy once who has been living with his girlfriend for 15 years, but won't marry her because he knows how Japanese women change after they've tied the knot.

Younger, hotter women. Men can try to deny that they crave a wide range of healthy, fertile mates, but we are genetically hard-wired to spread our genes in order to ensure their success. Read the book "Sperm Wars".

And to answer why women go out with men who are married? They enjoy feeling special: so special that a married man would risk it all to be with her.

To studebaker - and your number 1 point on the list. There can be many reasons, why the wife does not want, and she will explain it like:

I am tired.

I have my period.

Not during the week when you have to work tomorrow.

... already sleeping or pretending to sleep ...

I did not yet take a shower.

It is too cold.

It is too hot.

The children are not yet sleeping.

Our little boy wants to sleep between us.

I have a headache.

Tomorrow is Monday and you have to go to work.

Tomorrow is Saturday and you have to go to language class. Please take the kids with you.

=> This reduces the chances to approximately one time a month on a Saturday.

Which is quite low, regarding the famous Martin Luther (in old german language) already around 1500:

"In der Woche zwier schaden weder ihm noch ihr."

Translation: Making love two times a week is good for him and for her.

They enjoy feeling special: so special that a married man would risk it all to be with her.

What's special about being the dead-end bit on the side of some bloke who either 1) doesn't appreciate the woman he chose to marry and vowed to cherish; or 2) plays away because he can't make home work?

Either way he's a loser and not worth the having.

You know Japan would be ok, if... We all know that men & women all over the world cheat... it's no surprise...

But don't go around with your "higher-than-though" attitude... We don't care what you do...Have at it...

But leave your attitude, self-righteousness / victim-hood and racial superior attitude at the door of your house...

This is Japan of the 21st century, there are many foreigner here who don't play by the "I'm a 12 year old mommas boy" rule that you've been brought up to believe...

Follow these simple rules and you'll be safe...

Cleo: it doesn't matter if she's the dead-end bit and she doesn't have a hope it marry him. She enjoys feeling special in the moment and doesn't plan her life all the way to the end while in the prime of her youth.

to electric2004: I'm sorry to hear about all those excuses. It makes me think about the prenuptial agreement that some guy wrote which stated that if his future wife was to have sex with him less than 5 times a month, it would be grounds for divorce...

yawn...pull my finger.

We all know that men & women all over the world cheat... it's no surprise...

I do not.

And it would be of great surprise, to say the least, if my wife did.

The crux of the issue is not whether people engage in extra-marital affairs.

They do.

The crux of of the issue is: is that what you want in your marriage?

There are no "do's" about having an affair it is best to "don't".

oh well, if this self help guide fails you then yahoo has another equally pointless one todfay to help you out. god bless em all, how would we get by without them? http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/dating-diaries-breaking-up-is-easy-to-do-5-simple-rules-222430/ Dating Diaries: Breaking Up Is Easy To Do: 5 Simple Rules - Love + Sex on Shine

Are they frigging kidding me? There's actually a guide and rulebook for reprehensible behavior? Sic.

One "do" might be "do be willing to accept the consequences."

Real men don't cheat. A cheater is a liar and weak spirited person with no self respect. You vowed to stay faithful when you take your wedding vows. If you can not keep that kind of sacred vow to your own family, then you can't be trusted to keep your word to the general public.

A man is all about his word and his integrity.

Ladies, if a guy is cheating on you, that basically means he doesn't repect you.

Helly,

Too right. If my late wife Mildred had caught me cheating, she would have had my guts for garters.

In the evening a man shouldn`t be cheating, he should be down the pub with his mates, or in front of the telly watching Rainbow or similar.

Have your guts for garters? that's a bit brutal. My wife simply says "go ahead, I'll cut them off and hand them to you."

You will also find that people who cheat at golf will cheat anywhere. Beware the foot wedge!

Japanese culture is very weird. Yumiko Hatanaka must have known Im having an affair with her husband, but she never says anything. I wonder if she wants a threesome.