The 'downgraded wives' who make hubbies squirm

When I was dating in my early times in Tokyo I met this type. Within a few dates they start talking marriage and staying home. Essentially, girls looking for a free life ticket. Some poor sod to support them that they don't really need to care about. And they know the poor husband cannot escape without still needed to support her financially.

Lessons for those foolish enough to fall into these traps.

You should have spent a lot more time getting to know the person you planned to marry. Find out what kind of person she really is and not just the packaging.

Marry someone with some ambition beyond becoming a dependent. A motivated and inspired partner will not have time or energy to screw up your life. My wife has her own interests, career and goals and it is something we can share in common and help support each other.

Marry someone you have something in common with beyond thinking she is "hot" or "perfect". This may sound mean, but too many Japanese base everything upon appearances. I often think that personality requirements in Tokyo are no deeper than a teaspoon. I hear the same shallow descriptions of people all the time. "Cute", "Rich", "Tall", "Feminine" and far too rarely hear "she is very intelligent and interesting." or " you know she is involved in some great volunteer work". Or she is a charitable and caring person. These are traits you need to be looking for. Forget about cute or perfect.

Foolishness has no age nor does it suddenly disappear upon marriage.

People get married waaaay too soon in this country. But cant really blame it on them in a culture where marriage is a status.

But I do see a lot of husbands who are being walked allover by their wifes lately.

Getting a bit fed up of this kind of 'Let's all rag on Japan' article. Then again, 'Most folk who get married support each other and live happily every after' isn't a very snappy headline.

C'mon who doesn't like a cute or beautiful girl? A woman can be super intelligent but if she looks like a slob then there is no way can she turn men's heads. Who wants to wake up in the morning looking at something ugly?

I don't think it's a rag on Japan article. Japanese magazines love to have discussions about the husband/wife/mother-in-law/daughter-in-law from hell.

They're usually completely over the top accounts which make people laugh and tsk tsk and then think that they themselves are so wonderful.

But like any such story, we only hear the alleged victim talking about how bad the other party is. Maybe, I watch too much daytime TV and listen to too many people's complaints because I hear this kind of stuff all the time.

You don't usually meet too many people who will tell you how bad they are to their long-suffering wife/husband/in laws.

But you're right if your worried that foreigners will read these stories and take them as good sociological research.

There really are some problem people around though. If you are happy married and have wonderful in-laws, count your blessings and keep doing what you're doing.

Getting a bit fed up of this kind of 'Let's all rag on Japan' article. Then again, 'Most folk who get married support each other and live happily every after' isn't a very snappy headline.

Thing is Cleo, just exactly how many happily married couples are there out there? Most of the men I know at work are NOT happy. Most of the female I know aren't married. I don't blame these guys for being angry - and we all know how much I comment on non-working women who take their kids to cafes and the like and let them run wild. I feel for the guys here. They can't escape work while it seems little Ms. Babysitter has quit her job and not had kids and expect poor hubby to pay all the bills and allow her to be irresponsible when it comes to marriage. I see this ALL the time where I live.

And who gets married within a year of dating? Fools. A year and marriage is a good indication of divorce in the future.

I find that the atrocious behavior of most of these women and the blatant disrespect/disregard they show toward their spouses/partners is tolerated while they are still "real lookers" during their 20s and 30s, and thus they are able to hold onto that meal ticket for a while. I am often shocked to see how they actively and publicly humiliate their significant others, treating them as if he have no value beyond that of a breadwinner (sugar daddy).

Later in life, though, many seem to get their comeuppance. I see a lot of 50-plus women who look like they were once "real lookers" who apparently got that wake-up call — probably losing access to that meal ticket and now living a life of drudgery working train station platform kiosks, doing janitorial work, and other low-pay service sector jobs.

Still, Inoue tolerates his wife’s compulsive behavior, out of fears that perhaps that people might start saying, behind his back, “His wife loves children, but it appears she doesn’t care for him very much.”

Strange thing to observe. Neighbours and colleaugues in Japan really are a pretty gossippy and often nasty bunch.

It is sad when any partner in a relationship becomes this way. Depanding too much of one's partner will only damage the relationship and may be very hard to repair. We shouldn't expect others to make huge changes for us, just like we should never expect to make huge changes for others. Flexibility is important, but if one starts to feel like a doormat, then it is time to do something about it (besides whine to a magazine)

As for those who say getting married quickly is a bad thing...I think it depends on the person and circumstances. My husband and I got married after a year and a half of dating. We lived together 6 months previous to that. Neither of us wanted a wedding, so we didn't do the big fancy show. We both are working hard and neither of our ambitions have changed outside of the natural course of things (when we got a house, I made it my goal to get into gardening). Hopefully, we will remain a loving couple to show that quick marriages aren't necessarily bad.

I'd get divorced if my wife ever walked all over me like these saps. It's just two simple hankos away. There are just too many wonderful women here to settle for this kind of garbage.

He should start shooting more than blanks or shut-up and buy a poodle

A rather poorly-thought-out article, which lumps together a woman who needs something to do with her day and who really wants kids; with immature women who were raised very poorly without social skills or sensitivity; with women who are tired of cleaning up other people's piss.

Why not just call the article, "Women are right bitches aren't they, now let's have another atsukan, Tanaka-san..."

@Speed

I'd get divorced if my wife ever walked all over me like these saps. It's just two simple hankos away. There are just too many wonderful women here to settle for this kind of garbage.

In many of these cases of the husband getting "walked all over" the couples have children. In those cases, I think a majority of the men put up with the treatment out of their love for their children, knowing that under Japan's legal system if they do bail on the wife they also lose all contact with the children, no recourse whatsoever. Many are just waiting for the children to reach adulthood.

@Speed,

I'd get divorced if my wife ever walked all over me like these saps.

No you wouldn't, she wouldn't allow you to. :o)

I think his wife sounds very caring, but they need one rule. Kids must clear out before he gets home, weekends and holidays, free all day long. And she should get a care taker's license and start charging the parents of these kids. Could turn into a great business.

I asked my wife if she wanted me to take a piss sitting down. She said, "Why? I'm going to clean the bathroom just the same whether you do or don't"

I finally plucked up the courage to confront the wife and tell her I refuse to clean the toilet any more till she sits down to pee.

“My wife was a kindergarten teacher, and a real looker,”

This could just as easily be an article about men who live to regret rash decisions made while in a testosterone-induced haze, a common and age-old affliction. to suggest it is uniquely Japanese is silly.

I think that's the issue with guys with kids - hey know giving wifey the heave hi means no more contact with the kids. Custody here is sick.

Why a man with no kids stays with these women is beyond me. I see it fair too often and don't get it. They feel it is their duty. Why us beyond me when little ms housewife isn't doing her duty. I feel for these guys. Just like I feel for the hard working women out there who married toads. Life's too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Throw the kids out, they aint his afterall, the dude gotta grow some balls and thats all.

If the shrew can't be tamed, show her the door! There is no reason why this guy should have to put up with this nonsense. I certainly didn't and that's why I got divorced and after the pain subsided, realized it was the best thing I ever did. (Although gotta say my ex-wife was not quite as bad as the woman in this article but there are definite similarities!).

Once a woman starts to try and control how her husband's free time is spent, then time to move on!

As usual this kind of story brings out the misogynists on the forum. No-one even pause to think just WHY the woman in the story is acting in this way? Maybe she really wants kids and hubby can't do his part? She could have a form of OCD?

"[S]ome of these downgraded wives go so far as to demand that their husbands pee sitting down, so as to avoid odiferous splashes -- this despite the belief in some medical quarters that this practice, when prolonged, might result in an enlarged prostate, impotence and even testicular cancer."

Wow. In an article that is uniquely qualified to line a trash can, this paragraph alone cements my firm belief that marriage in this country is often undertaken by complete an utter morons.

tkoind2OCT. 24, 2012 - 07:55AM JST When I was dating in my early times in Tokyo I met this type. Within a few dates they start talking marriage and staying home. Essentially, girls looking for a free life ticket. Some poor sod to support them that they don't really need to care about. And they know the poor husband cannot escape without still needed to support her financially. Lessons for those foolish enough to fall into these traps. You should have spent a lot more time getting to know the person you planned to marry. Find out what kind of person she really is and not just the packaging. Marry someone with some ambition beyond becoming a dependent. A motivated and inspired partner will not have time or energy to screw up your life. My wife has her own interests, career and goals and it is something we can share in common and help support each other. Marry someone you have something in common with beyond thinking she is "hot" or "perfect". This may sound mean, but too many Japanese base everything upon appearances. I often think that personality requirements in Tokyo are no deeper than a teaspoon. I hear the same shallow descriptions of people all the time. "Cute", "Rich", "Tall", "Feminine" and far too rarely hear "she is very intelligent and interesting." or " you know she is involved in some great volunteer work". Or she is a charitable and caring person. These are traits you need to be looking for. Forget about cute or perfect.

Wow great advise tkoind2 - You should be comment of the day! It's always great having a partner who has their own dreams and ambitions in life. Very good advise, hope some people will take heed.

By the way I actually pee sitting down, i know it's weird and you all gonna laugh on this, but I've done this out of consideration for my wife, without my wife asking. It's just pure consideration. I tell you guys one thing, never mind how good you aim standing up, there's always going to be some off spray on the seat, unless you put the seat up, but then it lands on the top of the ceramic rim. You won't be able to see it, it's like the off spray of spray paint.

I never knew or heard about this enlarged prostate, impotence, testicular cancer stuff. better check this up!

I could comment on this because I am married to a beautiful Japanese woman, WE live in Japan, and WE DO NOT have children and we are very happy. As a matter of fact WE laugh at these poor saps because they got out of it what they put into it literally. You got in, got a little 'booty' which in Japan means "Well, I gave it up, so you have to marry me now.". Especially if the poor bastard is working and make good money. Most of these Japanese salarymen are not that smart of people. Trust me, when you see these idiots on Wed, Thurs., and Fri. Company drinking parties you will know exactly what I am talking about. What the hell do you think they have these parties for? For some; most to bitch and complain about wives', bad children, and neighbours who they swear that if they get one more dirty look from they are going to beat them within an inch of their lives. I have been to my fair share of izakaya (Drink Houses) since I have been in Japan and have been able to fully understand Japanese and some of the shit you hear about peoples' households in regards to their children and spouses are atrocious. But, don't be so quick to say the men are bad, because the women when they have their Okaachan Kai or Okusan Kai or Joushi Kai (Basically, female only drinking parties) they shit bash the hell out of their husbands, boyfriends, etc. as well. Trust me, as a foreigner for the most part they think when they talk about shit in front of us that we do not understand. I could write a book on the amount of stuff I have heard over the years and it never gets old. Always funny shit.

That's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back......

A gentleman, and I'm one, pees sitting down.

Never heard of the connection between sitting down while peeing and health problems. Now that I've Googled it, it appears that every mention except this article here at JT claims that sitting actually prevents these problems.

And, honestly, if some guy's manhood or pride depends on him standing when he urinates, he is in sad shape. Odd that the author thought this was one of the most terrible of all the terrible examples of wifely behavior in this article.

"My wife blabs to everyone about our intimate secrets, makes me feel unwelcome in my own house, gets drunk and passes out in public with her privates exposed through he cosplay dress. But thank god she doesn't demand I sit when I pee."

Priorities are a bit off there.

If peeing is such an issue, you could always get a urinal in your house. My house has one and it is up to my hubby to clean it as it is in a separate room from the toilet. Problem solved ^^;

Mr.Inoue sounds like a real PENDEJO! Why in the heck does he allow his wife, another pendeja, to bring in a bunch of kids?? Even when he comes home from work?? She has NO common sense, if Mr.Inoue had any huevos, well he would give her a nice,swift kick right in the culo! But my guess both are pendejos so this is why this fool puts up with a horrible wife. IMHO

@tkokind2

Well, written post and sound advice!

@Cleo

I've seen good and bad marriages, both in Japan and back home. Cultural differences aside, people aren't really that different. If at all.

This kind of thing isn't just in Japan, and it's caused by the same thing worldwide: Lack of honest communication between the couple before and after the marriage ceremony. How much you want to bet that most of what these people told the magazine has never been mentioned to their spouses?

Am I the only bloke here who thinks the husband is a complete tosser?

Makes me glad the girl I'm marrying is a girl I've known for many years and is sweet and caring with ambitions in life.

"Downgraded wives"? All I can see in this article is an example of a guy who needs to learn to talk to his wife and a long list of non-problems.

this despite the belief in some medical quarters that this practice, when prolonged, might result in an enlarged prostate, impotence and even testicular cancer.

If sitting is so dangerous, shouldn't we be more worried about what we do during all the hours in office every day than the few seconds of peeing which we do at home?

I nominate this article for the worst article of the year award.

Maybe he needs to wear some Depends (adult diapers). Sounds a little too needy.

The problem going on here can easily be summed up in the phrase is "trying to please your wife". The pattern is always the same it is in her nature for a woman to build boundaries and barriers and then expand them until in the end she has everything and he has nothing. The person in the relationship who cares least has the most control. Guys: a stay calm, make reasonable and fair boundaries and enforce your side in a calm way and do not give in the inevitable hysteria that will ensue at first. Just stay calm and stand your ground. Your job on earth is not trying to please a woman especially not one who will never be pleased. Let her do what she wants outside your boundaries. If what she is doing is idiotic and offensive to you withdraw any support of the activity and let her fall on her own face. No comment from you is necessary. Instead of taking the position that you have something to prove to her let her prove herself to you.

I've seen good and bad marriages, both in Japan and back home.

None of my friends back home are divorced. All of my friends in Japan are unmarried, divorved or counting the hours until the divorce.

@tkoind2, great advice! Well written!

@southsakai, I'm with you. I pee sitting down for the same reason and I have no shame about it, although admittedly it's partly for selfish reasons - my wife and I take turns cleaning the toilet and I don't enjoy cleaning my own splashes as I'm sure she would not.

"her “volunteer” activities were running up expenses for the kids’ food, electricity and other utilities. Equally if not more annoying, these young interlopers infringed on Inoue’s personal space, making him feel like a stranger in his own home".

Lifeskills lesson. Anyone not able to set reasonable boundaries, anyone unable to say NO, is not mature enough to be married. That sentence should read, 'Inoué was wasting money, and irresponsibly, permitting children to behave in a destructive and disorderly fashion.

it all still comes down to sex. if the sex is no good, expect them to stray...

The idiots at Spa! got this all backward. It is the HUSBANDS who have been "downgraded" by the wives. Or in some of these examples, they've been "degraded."

there are studies that show sitting to pee improves prostate health and is efficient at emptying bladder ; ive never heard that standing is medically backed. Very shoddy article

Sounds like there are quite a few men here who never learned how to properly pee standing up. If you're doing it right there should be virtually no splash except around the inside of the bowl. And certainly no more than a woman splashes while urinating sitting down. And if your wife complains about it, how about cleaning the toilet yourself once and a while, guys.

Fortunately I did not marry her but only lived with her. She would have been the wife from Hell. She was American. I omit the gory details for the sake of those with bad hearts.

My advice: marry a professional. That is what I did. My wife is intelligent and responsible. Because she is happy in her professional life she is happy at home. She is also a "looker."

Unless you are super rich like Romney avoid women who want to be taken care of. The worst, once they know they are taken care, want to be "independent," which means selfish.

what's that saying? Marry in haste, repent at leisure....

Thanks Marcelito, maybe I need to add some translations here?? But really, who would want a wife like the one Inoue has?? They both sound really, really thick in the head, having a bunch of kids over every day, even after the husband gets home tired from work?? This moron of a wife is showing NO respect to her husband, time to bring in a few lawyers, let them handle her and take off and NEVER look back on such a stupid women as this. IMHO

My wife complained that I slash when peeing, so I solved the problem. I raised the toilet so I can put my member inside and pee away in safety. Now she needs a ladder to climb on it. She doesn't complain about stuff anymore.

The pee standing/sitting thing is very silly. A huge piece of ceramic or plastic furniture, requiring a whole room space big enough for a private office, is quite unnecessary for just peeing. There are numerous small gadgets now, that make it as easy for women to pee standing up, as it is for men. Full liberation will come, I suppose, when women can pee, sans censure, against walls in the street, as men in numerous countries have done for centuries. Perhaps a ladies pee-in the street demo, might fix it, ideally in Paris. http://www.gizmowatch.com/entry/standing-tall-gadgets-that-allow-women-to-pee-like-men/

Elduba Mexicana wrote...time to bring in a few lawyers, let them handle her and take off and NEVER look back on such a stupid women as this. IMHO

Spoken like the true voice of 'women as goods and chattels, for disposal or replacement'. Has it not yet occurred to you, EM, that marriage requires dialogue, together with mutual respect?

Woman was made for man as a companion, not the other way around according to the bible! Any seviation from that will cause emotional pathology!

OK, Ensnatcher2, how about equality? I mean real equality, not feminists "we get everything and you get nothing" equality. Goes like this; Husband gets the first choice, "Hey wife, wanna have sex tonight?" She gets to say yes or NO, and if she says no, he can go out and ask another woman to satisfy his needs. No questions asked. Next night it is her turn; "Husband, I don't fell like having sex tonight." He has to accept it, no questions asked. And she is also free to go out that night, and refuse sex to another man of her choice...

True equality! Marriage requires dialogue, together with mutual respect. Includes women respect men.

And Bernie...Japanese are basically Buddhist, Shinto. Not Christian. I just wish they were Nudists!

Cyclemate, Im not a feminist, and have no doubt at all that in any society where 'gender' (no matter which gender) determines power, that power is open to abuse, and is likely to be abused. Choose your life partners with care, because if you do not, your children will feel the pain of your errors, just as much as you do. While people can change throughout their lives - the original agreement and committment they choose to make, is likely to be significant. - Anyone who makes a committment, or appears to agree to a committment - to be fathful to one partner, and then changes his or her mind, cannot (kindly) expect a partner to change - in the same way. How many marriages actually start in the way you suggest, with an open sexual relationship? I cannot think of one. People cannot always 'know' what it is they are going to need from a life partner, as years go by. Yes of course, mutual respect is essential, but that is not to say ....'respect of my needs must have immediate attention'.... more - like - if there is a problem of unequal sexual needs, then that has to be acknowledged, first, as a problem that has to be faced together .Respect is due, equally, to the condition they have already agreed to share. Not to make demands on each other to accept this or that preference or choice. Thats brutality, not loving. People learn to understand how to love and respect themselves and their fellows, by determined effort, not by taking, or demanding, what they want for themselves. How sexual relationships can be agreed and determined within a marriage must be a very delicate, and very deeply personal issue for those involved, and I do not feel it is likely to be discussed successfully in the way you have suggested. One partner may be quite relaxed about different sex partners. The other may feel absolutely differently - so that there is a painful sense of abandonment or betrayal - even in 'the idea'. These are the kinds of problems that people who have committed to each other and to their families, will be prepared to face together. It can be very, very hard. But determination to resolve the issue with love and kindness - from everyone involved - makes the worst situations resolvable. It is important that the matter is shared in this way. and to be seen and felt - to be sharedin this way. (my view!)

Don'y marry until you know each other properly and discuss what roles you want if married. Lived with my Japanese wife for 5 years before marrying. She wanted to be a homemaker and that was fine with me,nothing better than coming home to a tidy house and a slap up meal after a long day. That is us though and others have different ideas about roles in marriage and good for them. Make sure you know each other very well first and no shotgun wedding.

Bernie Campbell Wrote; Woman was made for man as a companion, not the other way around according to the bible! Any s(d?)eviation from that will cause emotional pathology!

I hope then, that your own interpretation - of your own essential literature, gives a clear definition of what a 'companion' is, or ought to be? From your protest, it appears that you hope to award power over women, to all men, and justify that by 'belief' in your own interpretation of a written text? Is there, in consideration of your required roles for both women, and men - any boundary, or line that may be drawn against behaviour that is intolerable, for either of them? If only one is to be 'companion' - what is to be the role of the other? What - exactly - is 'a companion'.? And what - exactly is the required behaviour within the male 'role'?

Reading this article makes me think about OMiIAI thingy that we are doing . Filipina wives are patient & caring , not all but a lot of them .. not spoiled selfish brat like d others ..

Whatever the article has to say aside, there are a lot of sexist comments on here. Don't you realize it's that exact "Us versus them" attitude that causes this?

I'm not surprised, marriage for men these days is a very risky deal, and a lot end up getting hurt because of it.

No-one even pause to think just WHY the woman in the story is acting in this way?

I suppose you think it's the Husbands fault?

"The person in the relationship who cares least has the most control."

Thou art a sage.

Here's the ugly truth. Married women have more expectations for and put more demands on their husbands than ever before.. And single and married women are more willing to have sex with men than ever before. Put those two things together and .. there are going to be more and more men who just don't see the point in getting married.

Which is why you get all these women complaining that they can't get married. Doesn't seem to me that women are any happier than they were 50 years ago.

Now wait for some irate woman to tell me that they are happier than their poor abused mother!

Are not 'Ugly truths' likely to remain with us, until all the worlds problems are resolve? And Isnt that why - ultimately - 'love' remains the only path to take. Love having rules of its own, that will always exclude all the unkindnesses described in this (or any) 'husband/wife', or interpersonal scenario.

I used to think (thinking on about solutions, downgraded wives and squirming husbnds) that no matter what kind of interpersonal difficulties one might encounter - to adhere to responses and reactions based in love, without any sense of anger or revenge or retaliation etc - could resolve everything. The question remains for each person to resolve for him and herself - how much is tolerable, what can you or anyone bear, in the process of sustaining or repairing a good and worthwhile partnership? How much hurt can you carry, in order to protect the stability of partnership, children, extended family, and the society you live in? It must be a personal decision, there can be no rules issued by society. Some people are prepared to carry so much more than others, not always creatively. In the past - women were expected to carry the most weight, the most blame, to do the most apologising and appeasing, with the obligatory role of 'second' to any male head of household, I think. Have the tables turned? Balance must be possible, with careful discussion, and mutual respect. Listening to each other.