The pros and cons of May-December marriages

Comedian Cha Kato, 68, and entertainer Masaaki Sakai, 65, recently made news headlines when they announced their marriages to brides several decades younger -- a phenomenon referred to in Japanese as "toshi-no-sa kon" (a marriage with age differences). But upon inviting the females in similar May-December marriages to convey their "honne" (true feelings), Nikkan Gendai (Aug 12) finds they're less than delighted with their marital situation.

When the University of Bath in the UK surveyed 1,074 Swiss couples in which the husband was five years or more older than the wife, it found that the average divorce rate was one-sixth the average of other marriages. This may be attributed to the woman's higher economic dependence on her spouse, as well stability in the marriage due to his greater earning power. The study concluded that these factors outweighed other dissatisfactions in the marriage and as a result such women tended to exercise greater fortitude.

But when the husband's age exceeds the wife's by 10 or more years, the picture changes, and wives become annoyed by various things that embrace one's view of life. These may include differences in attitudes toward money, sickness and care during old age. And, of course, sex.

Now that we've got your attention (as the running gag goes). . .

A certain 25-year-old woman employed at a hair salon recently married the 48-year-old department head of the parent company that manages the chain. She's already dissatisfied with their sex life.

"Since we married, my husband always claims he's tired from working overtime or going out drinking with customers, and begs off, dozing off without so much as a cuddle," she complains. "If I say I want it, he just mutters, 'Gomen' (sorry). I feign a chuckle in response, but I am just playing the compliant wife."

Before marriage, she'd lived in a tiny 1K rental "manshon;" now she's in a single house in Tokyo's upscale Setagaya Ward, and is able to get the dog she'd desired for so long.

Sometimes she receives invitations from her still-single colleagues to go out for drinks. Fearing they might lead her astray, she calls these "the devil's whispers."

A 30-year-old woman employed by a travel agency tied the knot with a 53-year-old executive at a restaurant company. He had repeatedly invited her to accompany him to a country house he'd inherited from his parents, where he would entertain her with wine and cuisine.

She expected what followed that evening to be romantic as well, but that was not to be.

"The foreplay was all verbal," she relates. "And since he'd been chug-a-lugging wine all evening, he reeked of booze.

"I just faked it, and he smirked, saying 'I managed to satisfy you.'"

But still, she went ahead and tied the knot. On the job he cuts a fine figure, is highly regarded in the organization and is second in line to become president of the company. If becoming the wife of a "shacho" is in the cards, she sees having to put on an act in bed as a small price to pay.

"Younger women who wed older men seek economic safety and material comfort," says marriage counselor Atsuko Okano. "But many of these women are merely play acting because what they are really seeking is money and status. Even if the sex leaves something to be desired, they're willing to disregard their feelings for the monetary benefits of the relationship.

That said, the marriages between these 'masked couples' can be surprisingly durable.

Such may also be the case for Kato and Sakai, the two aforementioned entertainers. While some of these marriages do go well, Nikkan Gendai wonders what, if anything, couples with such age disparities have in common, and whether or not the wives at some point will begin to crave a younger partner. Probably, the tabloid concludes, it's better not to envy such people too much.

© Japan Today