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What to do when your kids get you in trouble

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The recent murder-decapitation of a 15-year-old high school girl by a classmate in Sasebo, Nagasaki Prefecture, might have been an extreme case, but it serves as a reminder that incidents involving children hurting other children, or causing damage to people's property, are occurring with increased frequency. This poses all sorts of problems for parents, who may be confronted with demands for apologies and monetary compensation.

When this happens, notes Nikkan Gendai (Aug 16), recently enacted laws designed to restrict access to personal data mean that many schools no longer circulate directories listing the names, home addresses and other contact information of students' families.

"In the case of a fight between classmates at the same school, for example, the first thing to do would be to approach the children's teacher, to obtain objective information about what caused it and so on," advises Tatsumi Tanaka, a crisis management consultant. "You might want to say something like, 'Within today, we want to apologize to the parents of the other child,' and then request the teacher to let you have their contact information. It depends to some degree on what caused the scrap, but in some cases the teacher might also be moved to serve as a mediator."

Should a visit to the other child's home be warranted, the first step should be to telephone to the parent's cell phone and say, "I'd like to apologize for my kid's having injured your son (or daughter, as the case may be). Would it be all right if I call on you in person?"

The above approach is especially important in cases where both parents hold jobs, since it will facilitate calling when both of them are at home.

"Especially in the case of girls, even a light injury might be greater cause for concern, as the parents would point out that 'The injury will leave her with a scar on her face,' which may upset them considerably," Tanaka remarks. He also advises against offering a box of confections as a "gesture of apology," at the initial stage, as it might result in angering them further.

"At first, the main thing is to demonstrate your sincerity," he advises. "This would be done by saying something to the effect that, 'Until your child's condition improves, I just want to let you know that as a parent, I intend to deal with this matter.'"

Confections can be presented when convalescence from the injury has progressed, but all that needs to be said when offering them is "I just want you to know how sorry we are," with no further elaboration.

Should the injury have been bad enough to require hospitalization, however, a different approach is warranted.

"If it comes to that," says Tanaka, "The victim should not receive the perpetrator. The point to keep in mind in terms of risk management is that you must try to protect your child from it becoming a matter to be handled by the police or courts. In such a case you do not convey your apology and admission of guilt unilaterally, but wait patiently outside the victim's home until they speak to you first."

Obtaining their forgiveness might involve a drawn-out process, but rather than issuing an apology aimed at your own self-protection, it's advisable to first listen to the victim and consider discomfort or suffering he or she is enduring.

As far as damage to material property, except in the case of rare or valuable objects, the general approach is to focus on monetary compensation.

"There are various kinds of liability insurance, including policies provided in the contract for credit card holders," says advisor Masayuki Kihira. "Whether a baseball through somebody's window or a dented car caused by dropping something off a veranda, you just need to pay for the actual cost for repairs or replacement -- there's no need for a consolatum.

"When you contact the insurer, they'll send out a claims adjuster who will negotiate compensation, just like in the case of an automobile accident." Families with kids would be well advised to take out such a policy, which Kihira points out is quite affordable and will ensure peace of mind.

© Japan Today

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Should the injury have been bad enough to require hospitalization, however, a different approach is warranted.

I find that it is almost never a good idea for parents to interact unless it's something trivial, as this points out. Additionally, there are times when saying sorry just doesn't cut it. Compensation may be necessary and it is hardly appropriate for parents, who might very well be emotional and/or not thinking clearly, to hash out details.

Kids will be kids, but a lot of this could be mitigated by learning that their actions have consequences.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

As a parent of younger children, a key point is to discern whether damage was caused accidentally or maliciously. Kids get bumped around a lot, and in there former case, there is absolutely no reason for complaint. In the latter case, depending on its frequency (more than once requires intervention) or seriousness, consultation may be necessary.

My son and daughter made it through school with typical bumps and bruises (and 3rd degree burns for the former and a broken bone for the latter), but I judged all of it to be the result of a healthy, active childhood.

Not all parents feel the same, though, so beware about being on the receiving end.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

What the hell?

So this is why bullies in Japan thrive. Your kid marks up some little girl's face and you buy a box of sweets for the parents and it all goes away?

... this article is a steaming crock of... well, it is bad advice. Parents need to behave like adults, talk together, identify the problem and generate mutually acceptable solutions. If your child (or theirs) is a bully then that needs to stop. If your kid broke or stole something then there item needs to be replaced.

Interact like ADULTS with each other. You didn't do anything wrong, your kid did, and kids will be kids and they need to learn from these experiences.

What will this approach teach kids? That they can buy or bribe their way out of trouble? That a box of sweets and a bow makes up for bullying and terrorising someone? No. Simply NO. No wonder we always have the round of bowing and apologies and then nothing changes, because kids learn this from childhood.

For goodness sakes, act like adults and find real solutions.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Customs differ. In US/California in similar case, my kid came home from elementary school with large bump on head from rock thrown by smaller kid, school would not tell me the other kid's name and coached my kid to also not tell me. Although I didn't press for it. And bump wasn't permanent.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

Turbotsat - so in other words you accepted that it was right and proper for the school to actively conspire to conceal the identity of a criminal and that it was right for your child to withhold the truth from you.

Yeah, those are great life lessons. Conspiracy to conceal a crime and lying to your family. Glad you're teaching your child what is morally correct... Not!

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Whatever happened to having the children apologize to each other?

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Frungy: Turbotsat - so in other words you accepted that it was right and proper for the school to actively conspire to conceal the identity of a criminal and that it was right for your child to withhold the truth from you.

Yeah, those are great life lessons. Conspiracy to conceal a crime and lying to your family. Glad you're teaching your child what is morally correct... Not!

Considering that the criminal was a 2nd-grader, I decided not to push the school district to go for the execution option.

It's not the only time something like that happened with the school district. But this is deep in the approximately third-bluest part of one of the bluest states in the country (guessing Sacramento and SF as bluer). It's kind of like dealing with the legal system. Your best bet is to never step in the tar pit. Failing that, judge the odds and get out quick if they're against you.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

turbotsatAug. 26, 2014 - 05:50PM JST Considering that the criminal was a 2nd-grader, I decided not to push the school district to go for the execution option.

No, instead you decided to do nothing about a school who's idea of moral education is to teach children to withhold information from their parents, and to protect potential bullies by denying the parents any information.

As usual you've completely missed the point. The school is not only providing poor moral guidance, but is also promoting bullying by actively siding with the potential bully and interfering with the rights of the parents.

It's not the only time something like that happened with the school district. But this is deep in the approximately third-bluest part of one of the bluest states in the country (guessing Sacramento and SF as bluer). It's kind of like dealing with the legal system. Your best bet is to never step in the tar pit. Failing that, judge the odds and get out quick if they're against you.

I don't care where it happened. Wrong is wrong. That you cannot see what is wrong with the scenario you described is deeply, deeply worrying.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

This article only makes sense in light of Japanese culture, even the title is indicative of that. It would be strange advice for a family in a different culture, so you can't read it like it's directed at everybody. In the US for example we teach personal responsibility so a good parent would for sure send their kid to apologize in person. No pocket-money until the broken window is paid for, etc. If it was an extreme example (like bullying resulting in suicide) the best apology would be to clearly admit your crime in court and serve your time for it.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

"I'm sorry my daughter cut your daughter's head off. Please accept this box of sweets."

5 ( +5 / -0 )

Families with kids (sic) would be well advised to take out such a policy, which Kihira points out is quite affordable and will ensure peace of mind.

Insurance - the greatest scam of the modern world. Plays on fear of the future. I wonder how the actuaries work out the odds of a child cutting another's head off... And what the 'appropriate' (don't get me started on the current use of THAT word) payment would be...

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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