The time when nearly everyone married is over, and a future time when no one does is beginning to seem, if not probable, at least not impossible. Here is how things stand now, Spa! (Aug 8) reminds us: As of 2015, 23.37% of men considered themselves lifetime singles, up 3 points from 2010 and heading toward 30% by 2030.
Who are these lifetime single men, the magazine asks. The ones it considers are middle-aged – in their 30s or 40s. Some (22%, it figures) are born "losers," or think they are. More of them (36%) are “unpopular” – not irreparably, but their experience to date has been anything but confidence-building. Then there are those (31%) who doom themselves by “high expectations.” With exaggerated notions of what they deserve, they refuse what’s available and wake up one day to find themselves over the hill.
There’s another category – those who are solitary and proud of it. Let others pursue mates; they’re content on their own. They’re comparatively few in number, comprising only 11%.
Being single is an acceptable and accepted lifestyle choice. Society no longer frowns on it, as it used to, and its freedom can seem attractive to young men (Spa!’s viewpoint is almost exclusively masculine) in their 20s. But approaching 40, “there’s a tendency to seek shelter,” says psychologist Takehiko Kasuga. “Shelter” generally means a home, a household, a family of one’s own. You don’t die without it, but you might, depending on your character, wither a bit. Thus an upsurge among men in their mid-to-late 30s of konkatsu – literally “marriage activity,” the active seeking of a partner via websites and agencies whose business it is to bring people together.
Even those with self-destructively high expectations go in for konkatsu, Spa! finds. They make rather a nuisance of themselves, boasting of their high salaries and impressive job titles, as though these things were permanent endowments even in these unstable times, which – as the women they seek to impress know very well – they are not.
“Kuroda-san” is in this category. “Impressive” is too strong a word for his qualifications; still, he’s making a respectable 6 million yen a year as a parcel delivery firm executive, and has reason to be proud of himself. Maybe the self-satisfaction is just a front – he’s been through personal bankruptcy and an unspecified accident which left him unable to work for a time. Still, he’s back on his feet now, doing well enough, and eager to move out of his bachelor quarters with the unmade bed and clinging odor of tobacco smoke, and settle down. But with who? There are single women at work, but “all they talk about all day long is TV variety shows! I want a woman with a brain!”
Konkatsu? Not yet. His immediate goal is to raise his market value by playing the foreign exchange market. He hopes to make a killing. Then he won’t have to settle for just anyone. Younger women, even much younger women, will be his to choose from. Maybe. Or maybe not, says sociologist Toshiyuki Tanaka, who notes a trend that Kuroda might find disturbing – to wit: couples lately are growing closer together in age. Middle-aged men seem to be losing their among young women.
“Sakamoto-san,” at 42, is, psychologically speaking, Kuroda’s polar opposite. He’s shy and under-confident. As far back as he can remember, he’s had “complexes” about his appearance. What you can see of him in Spa!’s photo looks presentable enough, but, thinking himself ugly, he shrinks from approaching women. In his 20s he hoped to solve the problem by affecting fine clothes, but nothing happened. He works “in education” and makes 5 million yen a year, which, at konkatsu parties does not raise the room temperature appreciably. (Women who attend these events themselves tend to suffer from the “high-expectations” disease, Spa! observes.) Still, he persevered, and at last succeeded in meeting someone.
She seemed promising. They dated, and liked each other. They became close. Was Sakamoto to reach his “shelter” after all?
He was not, and the suspicion is that he has only himself to blame. “We’d been going together three months,” he says, “when suddenly she starts talking she wants a house. We hardly had enough between us to be sure of paying household expenses, and she wants a house!” Flustered, Sakamoto backed out. That was the end of that.
He’s had it with konkatsu, too. “I want to meet someone naturally” – not by arrangement. But where? How? He doesn’t know. “I have so few chances,” he laments, “to meet women.”
© Japan Today
19 Comments
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Civitas Sine Suffragio
MGTOW all the way lads, you don't need women to "complete" your lives. Tread your own path.
Halwick
Many women in Japan and U.S., insist on a man who is "fun, exciting, thrilling and romantic" and must have 4H's: Height, Hair, High Income, and House.
But if you insist on marriage, there are many young women in their early 20s in the Philippines who are more than willing to marry foreign men 20, 30, 40 years older. And in the Philippines, the foreigner, especially Japanese and Americans, are perceived to be Rich, hence very popular despite what they look like.
But you also have to understand that young Filipina has an ulterior motive called 4M - "Matandang, Mayaman, Madaling Mamatay" which translates to "Marry Rich Old Man, Soon to Die."
If you can accept this ulterior motive, the Philippines offers hope and eternal spring.
GW
Unless she had half the down payment & the ability to pay half the monthly mortgage then this guy was SMART to ditch her. Single guys need to watch out for hypergamy, women are always looking to trade UP, you have been warned!
Madden
I think we're going to see a shift eventually where it's the women who are going to have to start trying to appeal to the men. Most mixing events like konkatsu are much more expensive for men, and for what? The chance to meet some OL with no career prospects and can barely hold a deep conversation? I've been to konkatsu events myself and could never find a woman of class, always someone with a mundane job and no hobbies outside of "travel" (how is that even a hobby, especially if they've maybe been out of the country 2 times in their entire life) and "listen to music". What the hell is in it for me? I'm a guy with a good, stable job, what do I need them for? They should all be lining up trying to impress me.
I actually read a lot of sites like girls channel and the entitlement complex that these girls have is crazy, although a lot of them seem to just eventually give up and think that there's no man good enough for them (in other words, they can smell your gold-digging ass a mile away) and just bitterly live a single life with their family and wasting their money buying luxury goods to make them feel better.
GW
Sounds like she brought nothing to the table except the possible ability to give birth & spend his money. At her age she SHOULD have some savings etc, sounds like she didn't, he was right move on in all likelihood .
Toasted Heretic
Be yourself, don't judge, don't take these articles for gospel and you'll be grand.
Age is no big thing.
1glenn
Very interesting. IMO, Japan is significantly different than the States in regards to this phenomenon. Too many people over here match up and have children, with no or little ability to support themselves. Sounds like Japanese are more realistic about these things, if, perhaps, overly so.
Pukey2
reckless:
For a second, I thought you were going to suggest brushing one's teeth.
I'm at that age where my breath feels foul after taking a nap even just for 5 minutes. I feel physically uncomfortable if I don't brush my teeth immediately. Always have toothpaste and brush at the office.
katsu78
What a tragic trend. It's terrible to lose your among women. Once I almost lost my among women, but I got my among women back before it was too late. Not like a coworker who lost his among women. Now he can't get his among women back, and his among women is a bleak existence of possessive pronouns without a noun to go with them, and no editor to catch their.
Nippori Nick
Fair number of older single women in my office. I am already married, but they are not, primarily because they seem to think they are God's gift to men.....and they are not. They are just run of the average ladies who seem to feel they should be on a pedestal and worshipped.
Ha to that!
Nerakai
@Reckless
You got it wrong. When they say their potential partners have to have their house ready, it usually, and mostly, means he needs be cable of paying off the house himself. It is not like 'He doesn't have his stuffs in order.' as you speculated.
I also second many others' idea that he made the right decision.
Tamarama
I sopped reading here.
1glenn
"......can't seem to score."
I think the article is referring to efforts to find a lifetime partner, but the translation into American English may be off. Over here, to "score" does not mean to get married. I suspect a more accurate translation would have been something like, "......can't seem to get married."
Jonathan Prin
I can' understand Japanese who indeed through so high obstacles to find love.
You get together by natural attraction too !
Most Japanese, ladies and men, block psychologically due to social stress.
So easy in fact to get sex but nearly unimaginable to raise a family outside the box (house, car, woman at home, salaryman working long hours, nothing special protruding from standard activities like matsuri, sports,etc)
We say here (not in Japan) "if you want, you can" which once understood properly means one will find partner after enough tries.
Garthgoyle
The answer is, you need to go out. Look for groups doing picnics in parks like Yoyogi, doing photo walks around the city, snowboarding trips, salsa and bachata lessons, etc. Whatever interests you and groups of people.
Now, is all piece of cake to find those events when you live in or very close to Tokyo. Living outside that metropolis, like me where it takes me at least 2 hours to reach Shinjuku, that's another story. Coz events like that almost never happen around here, making the chances to meet someone very difficult.
Disillusioned
Considering most middle-aged Japanese men are already married to their companies and have the personality of a peanut, it's not difficult to understand why they have difficulties finding a bride. You should also factor in that, many of these men are just looking for a cook, dishwasher and live in maid. That will keep them single forever.