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Wives still have passion, but how to get their husbands to realize it?

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An enduring domestic puzzle is the wide gulf separating movie and fiction sex from real sex. Why does marital passion spend itself so quickly? Actually, it doesn’t, says Shukan Post (June 18-25). If only husbands knew what their wives are really thinking.

The magazine surveys 100 wives in an effort to find out. And the gist of their secret thoughts seems to be that their passion is by no means exhausted – if only their husbands knew how to tap it.

But it’s such a rushed, pressurized world out there that the bedroom is no longer the carefree sanctuary it supposedly once was, though perhaps not in living memory. The measurable aspects of sex, at any rate, are steadily shrinking – to “a few times a year” for 21 respondents, and a rushed 20 minutes or less at a time for 20, versus five who attain release from mundane care as often as two or three times a week, and seven who manage to keep it at bay for 60 minutes or more at a time.

When asked if sex with their husbands satisfies them, 64 of the 100 reply “I suppose so,” which sounds like resignation rather than satisfaction, a chilly contrast to the mere three claiming to be “very satisfied.”

Perhaps this reflects mature thinking in an aging nation that has outgrown its illusions. “If you had the chance,” asks Shukan Post, “would you want to start your life over again with a man other than your husband?” No thanks, say 52 respondents, versus 26 who say they would. A 46-year-old woman who answered no probably speaks for many when she adds, “However good a man you marry, once 10 years have gone by after the birth of children, you find you’ve arrived at the same point in life anyway.”

Forty-nine have thought at one time or another of divorce, as against 48 who have not. Legal status aside, “Do you still think of your husband as a man?” the magazine asks, to which one wife among the 34 who answer no says, “More as a male dog than as a man.”

And yet – surprisingly, given the generally negative mood – 71 affirm they still love their husbands. Sexual incompatibility notwithstanding, says a 50-year-old wife, “there’s still a lot of love and affection between us.”

It’s good that love and affection can survive the awful pounding life gives it.

© Japan Today

©2019 GPlusMedia Inc.

130 Comments
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people around the world just not really dont know how japanese mens wives are suffering psychologically and low self esteem of how these heartless japanese men insults and tortured mentally their wives. pure blood japanese women and foreign wives. they are selfish pigs.they only have sexual desires during boyfriend/girlfriend relationship,but when they get married it starts to wane and some are very lucky if they can have sex once a month...and who says that it is because they are not mind readers?excuse me but once you got married usually it is the wife who are asking if they can make love but as the husbands keep on declining the wives request,the wife self esteem shattered they start to feel unloved,unattractive,ugly and old and just a servant in the house who must serve their masters.

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No need to jiggle it.

Often I came home to candle-lit dinner with some appropiate BGM and a whispered(Kid/s are fast asleep).

That is the sledgehammer whose message can't be mistaken, and a times I used it too.

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yasukini

think i'd like your screen-name better if it was yasu-bikini. anyway, back to the point of this article.

Wives still have passion, but how to get their husbands to realize it?

Answer - jiggle it just a little bit ... yeah, jiggle it just a little bit!

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I blame people for settling for Mr. and Mrs. GOOD enough!

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I'd say that there really are few men who love their wives and are not getting sex elsewhere, who come home to a wife and refuse to have sex. There's probably been to much rejection in the past or something.

I cannot believe there is such a thing as a cute wife who can't somehow seduce a husband who is not gay or having an affair. A woman like that either hasn't tried very hard, has a very poor imagination.

But of course there are some women here who expect that after ordering Tarou around, cutting his pocket money and complaining that the took the moenai gomi out on the wrong day, still expect that he will suddenly become otoko rashii and woo her and make all the moves, and interpret her dame dame, yamete, in the right way at the right time.

The longer I stay in this country the more I pity the Japanese male. Truly, would anyone want to have been born as a male in this country?

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marushka: Well said. Everyone seems to agree with the way things are but no one seems to like it! Crazy!

tkoind2: You're right! Society is to blame...but society is made up of men and women! People complain but no one tries to stand up and make a change. If people don't like their situation, they should get out or try to make it better.

noypikanto: A husband has the right to complain that his wife doesn't have big enough breasts? NOT! When he married her he knew exactly how big they were!! Did he expect them to grow? Keeping a perfect figure and wearing sexy clothes...well, it's a two way street! So if the man is demanding that his wife look like a super-model then he better be looking hot&buff and strutting around in a g-string too!!

I agree with the last part. It's like that saying goes--accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can...

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@jtuzr then what is your solution if the guy is tired and overworked and doesnt really want to have sex because he wants to be left alone after the stress at work? or if they really don't feel like doing sex? can you really blame them for that? did these wives ask themselves first if the problem is really from their husbands or from themselves before complaining? then if it's right for women to complain about not being satisfied with sex, then it's men's right too to complain if their wives don't give them oral sex, doesnt have big breasts and sexy body or wear sexy lingirie, or if she doesnt comply with his sexual fantasies and satisfaction. The solution to these problem are stop being SELFISH and learn to UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT! that's it...

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I am agreed with tkoind2, in 90 pct of japanese society it goes without saying that woman will quit her job in order to take care of house and kids. It is like an agreement, both side knows it and both side will still sign for it even if they would like to have something else…

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jtuzr. No one said ALL anyone suffers from any of these problems. But the frequency of these issues is very high. And as I noted, the real blame rests on society for setting expectations that make no sense given the modern reality.

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noypikantoku and tkind2, tell you what, next time you go out with your housewife lady friends for lunch at the family restaurant on a weekday, do me a favor and take an informal poll about whether or not they are even allowed to work by their husbands. I'm curious about what feedback you'll get.

Some guys only agree to marriage if the wives agree to quit their job to take care of the kids.

So it's not always the woman's fault for expecting the man to have plentiful resources if she's expected to quit. Most of the women I know don't want to quit work so I kind of doubt what you guys are saying.

Just like what I write doesn't apply to all men, I'm not sure if the all Japanese women suffer from Cinderella syndrome.

What do you think?

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dolphingirl. I wish I could agree with you. And if we were talking about America or Europe I would agree that the blame is 50/50. But in Japan, maybe the blame isn't on either man or woman, but instead on a society that has fostered the most unhealthy balance that I have experienced in the world.

Let's face some harsh facts. First, people work insane hours here. Why? From and outside perspective it is both socially imposed and the result of horrifically inefficient approaches to work. Nearly everyone I know works very long hours and all of them don't want to do be doing so. But the boss expects it, the community expects it and they end up expecting it. So noone fights this system. Instead people just labor away.

Second. Expectations. Men expect women to be some idea of perfection here. That leads to the plague of Kawaii we have to endure here. But it also leads to expectations that the wife will be some kind of trophy at home for a guy who is really successful. Sad point is, most guys are not really successful and this model just means poor economic stability and the wife being put into a box essentially.

Women expect Mr. ATM and expect him to be superman balancing work, family and everything despite the societal and economic walls that make that impossible. A successful woman expects to be cared for, have disposable income and not have to work. This means she is not helping with the finances and that means Mr. ATM becomes essentially a wage slave. Over the years that results in distance and resentment on both sides.

So how do we fix this? 1. Work life balance. 2. Kill off the Cinderella syndrome that so dominates this place. 3. Guys need to stop demanding Kawaii and try more realistic notions of being with a human being. And 4. Most importantly get help. Japan needs marriage advisors and a lot of them right away.

Where you and I do agree, is that part of the problem may be that modern humans are not wired to be with only one person. Nearly everything in our society pushes people to want variety, choice and freedom. Maybe new definitions of relationships will help some. While others can develop lasting one on one relationships. In any case change is urgently required.

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@Dolphingirl I dont think those men who over work at the office choose to do it, lets take a reality check, companies here overwork its workers, plus look at the expenses of every japanese family... House rent and renewal every 2 years or House loans , School for kids or savings for university, daily transportation fare, food, water, electric, gas, internet, NATIONAL TAX, INHABITANT TAX, in country sides they need CAR , car gas and oil, insurance, dont include the expense when they go out...now for a normal salary man , these expenses are really tight , so he has to comply with company rules wether he like it or not, and not to risk his own family, by getting fired.. for single men its easy to quit and look for another job, but not for a 40 year old normal salary man with 3 kids. These leave many men no choice. On the other hand, most of the housewives here, are just in the house , doing nothing , there are lots of things to be done from 10:00 am - 15:00 pm everyday. Yeah cooking can be done from morning , and dinner, lunch they are alone, because husband and kids are out. If you dont believe me, just go to family restaurant every lunch time of weekdays, and youll see housewives there chatting and complaining while theyre husbands are working to death. there is no excuse to say that theres no way they can help their husbands, If they want to help, there is always a way, but if they dont want to , there are lots of reasons . Plus I dont agree that only the wives are the ones who raise the children, they guide them when they`re still young , but once they started schooling, kids are in the school like their dads. This is the reality, you will never get all you want, and learn to accept that. and you will be happy, Lack of sex wont kill you. Instead of complaining about not getting sex, why dont they think to support their overworked husbands and let them feel relax and let them rest for the only short time they can have at home.

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@dolphingirl.

Great post.

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tkoind2: Have to disagree with you on this one. While I agree that there are women out there who are only looking for a 'Prince ATM', you still can't blame everything on the 'lazy' wives.

I believe both the man and the woman are equally responsible for any misery they have as a couple. I mean, just as many women have been brainwashed to think they are of lesser value than a man and therefore should get married and have the man support them, there are just as many men who have been brainwashed to think that they are supposed to slave away at the office all day while the wife cooks, cleans and raises their children for them. So really the blame is 50/50.

jtuzr: I agree that humans are not really meant to be monogamous and so for any couple to keep their sex life exciting and fresh even after several years of marriage, is a big challenge. The problem is we like variety but we also like the comfort sameness.

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I don’t get it, really. I feel really sorry about those people who can not communicate about their sexual desires. Stress, work, kids- all these elements are irrelevant, believe me, if you want something- you go for it. And if you don’t go- then you don’t want it really as much as you think. Life is simple, people make it complicated.

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jtuzr. "The only reason a man says that he's at the office until the late hours is because he wants you to believe he is, when in fact he's out with other women"

What do you know about men? So many women in this country expect to be cared for like some kind of Cinderella. Staying at home even before kids and spending the hard earned money of their partner. Then when he works too long you start suspecting him of something. And you get upset that he is not around. And you cut him off emotionally and sexually.

I work late a lot and I see these poor tired salary guys. No girl in the office will touch them. They are too stressed out and tired to be attractive and to heads down with work to be interesting to any other girl.

They all complain about their partners who treat them like unwanted house guests when they get home. Girls who don't sleep with them and spend more time complaining or asking for money than being supportive of him.

But do these women get off their LV behinds and get a job so Joe Salaryman can be home with them? No! They just continue to leech off him and treat him like an ATM. Is it any wonder he doesn't want to sleep with you? Who would? So many clearly are using guys because they are too lazy to work.

Even as a foreigner I have met so many women here looking for Prince ATM to take care of them. No self respecting western girl would do this. They have the brains to want financial security for their family, shared responsiblity for the well being of their future. And more important they want time with their partners to have relationships that are more meaningful than sponsor and dependent.

Kawaii wears off quickly and a demanding, dependent is something most foreigners here won't put up with for long. Maybe that is why we more often end up with partners who we actually want to sleep with, instead of these brooding Cinderella wanna be-s who should learn to help take care of themselves and lower their expectations back to reality for a change.

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Isn't that the irony in Japan. The wives are in a love hotel somewhere complaining to their gaijin English teachers that their husbands don't have sex with them, while the husbands are in another love hotel with the young cutie from the office, complaining about their wives.

Two things surprise me in Japan. One is the number of single women who have affairs with married men who think they are doing nothing wrong because after all they are not married. The second is that Japanese mothers are so busy and tired looking after the house and the children. Somehow they make time for "private" English lessons. But talk to the women, single and married, and they appear to be just so sweet and innocent.

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Like Robin Harris said:

I wear my wedding ring on the wrong finger cuz I married the wrong damn woman!!!

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It's only natural that a man gets criticized for not having sex with his wife. Unless a man is sexually dysfunctional or just isn't physically attracted to his wife, it doesn't take much to get him started. Physically and emotionally healthy men are sexual light switches when paired with the right woman.

I also don't buy the argument that men would have sex with their wives if they had more time. You give a sexless man more time, he's going to blow it on more drinking, more pachinko, more golf, and more sex with other women who he is attracted to. And if that wasn't bad enough, out of the hobbies above, sex is the most available and affordable!

The only reason a man says that he's at the office until the late hours is because he wants you to believe he is, when in fact he's out with other women. I don't see it as right or wrong, it's just a fact of life. If anything, it's a closer reflection of how Mother Nature intended it. Mother Nature didn't invent marriage; the nobility and the church invented marriage to control people like sheep.

I'm tempted to believe that the husbands of the wives in this article who say the are unsatisfied were either trapped or tricked into getting married. I say they deserve each other.

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Ha, ha! This is sooo funny! Did these 'wives' ever stop to consider it is them that causes the problems? Could it be there self-pitying demands are a total turn-off to any man? - This reminds me of a joke, "If you don't feel like sex, just lie there while I have some!"

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How can anyone have a great relationship in a place with so many conflicted issues?

Women here too often suffer from Cinderella Syndrome with unachievable expectations for what Mr.Right should be and do for them. Holding on to the stay at home model, Mr. Right often soon becomes Mr.Income Source. Combined with over work and a society that endorses people living in the office and you have two people who don't see each other and are increasingly living in different worlds.

On his side, he is saddled with supporting the family in an economic reality that is increasingly hard to keep stable. His pride may be caught up in providing for the family, while the often cold reception he gets at home doesn't help his confidence or ability to show affection. Add in resentment over his hard working life vs her much more relaxed world, add in his exhaustion and it is a wonder there is any sex at all in Japan.

So Mrs.A's expectations and Mr. A's expectations just don't align. So sex seems to be the least of their problems.

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@Dolphingirl you got the right word! compromise , a compromise that is good for the family, not for one's own good only, Not a good for the wife or for the husband only. It doesnt mean that the man can't have sex with you he doesn't love you already, and if a man can't have sex... he can't,sexual desire is not something that you can buy in the convinience stores or flower shops, asking him to do more effort to become sexual is I think unfair, it's no difference than asking your flat chested wife to get a breast surgery even though she doesnt want to, just to satisfy the man's desire. Yes SEX is important and sex is good, but let's face it, We can still go on with our lives even without it, sex wont work if the other person doesnt feel like doing it. I believe that mature Love is you should be willing to sacrifice 1 thing for your loveone. It sounds weird to others but I really agree with Zenny11 Better to do a "Solo-quickie"... and you can pass a day without it.

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noypikantoku: You have a valid point about society generally frowning on a man who won't have sex with his wife and yet when a woman refuses, it is somehow seen as more acceptable.

However I disagree about men not having a choice. They do have some options. If they would only empower themselves with knowledge of labor laws, they would find out that it is not that simple for a Japanese company to fire someone.

However, if both the wife and the husband went into this marriage with the idea that he would work long hours and she would be the homemaker, then no one should be complaining.

Of course people change over time and this is what makes things complicated. If the wife was used to having sex 3 times a week and this declines steadily to the point where the husband will only have sex with her once every couple of months, then it is perfectly understandable that she is a little frustrated. At this point, the couple need to discuss some kind of compromise so that both can be at least partly satisfied.

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@dolphingirl I am not assuming , I am speaking based on experiences, I see and I know a lot of them who are bored because majority of the housewives here stop working after they got married , eventhough their children are old enough and can go to schools by themselves. they prefer to stay at home and rely everything on their husbands. during weekdays from 10:00 - 15:00 pm they have nothing to do. Of course not all wives are like this , but majority here in Japan are like that. I am not proud to share this and I regret these things already, and I am not bragging, but before, I went out with 3 married women , the relationship was just sexual, they all have the same reasons , and that is their husbands don't make time for them, At first I kinda symphatize with them but on the other hand I saw some of my salarymen friends at the office who work from 8:00 - 2:00 am! and it's not their own choice, their boss asked them to work or they'll get fired, and eventhough they change the jobs, other companies will still be the same, and of course they dont want to risk their families' finances. And then back home there's their wives complaining about sex. And then I realized how inconsiderate these wives that complains about their husbands , and doesnt see the VERY BRIGHT side of what their husbands are doing for them....

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noypikantoku.

Great post.

From mine and other guys experience also many women like to use sex as a bargaining chip or for power-play.

Now this is a total turn-off to a guy, even when she wants sex for the sake of sex he will worry what strings are attached.

We all got our days when we want sex and days when we don't, but there are signs there that a partner should know that will tell him/her today is a good day or better to a solo-quickie.

Just my view.

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@dolphingirl. Women always are the victims,we sometimes dont see that Women can be selfish too. For me sometimes they also need to learn to adjust, there is probably a reason why the husbands dont have sex with them. If a guy complains because she can't give him oral sex , the world will look at that guy negatively , and for a wife that complains that she doesnt get sex anymore the way she used to have before, the world will pity on her and will agree that she needs to be satisfied sexually and it's her right to have that. Accept the fact that people change, the guy that you will marry when you are 25 will not be the same guy after 15 years, physicaly and mentally , since humans change physicaly it also affects our emotions. When A girl doesnt feel like having sex , she cannot be forced right? men SHOULD always understand that she doesnt feel like doing it tonight, But if a man deosnt feel like having sex, definitely he is not doing his responsibilities as a husband...

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dolphingirl, you probably could've ended your post with "Amen..." Nice way to sum it all up, kudos.

Kids or work, stress or boredom, at the end of the day all we want is to get laid every now and then, is that so wrong?

When in doubt, just remember what they say:

Sex - The most fun you can have without laughing.

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noypikantoku--Why do you assume they are housewives? And why do you assume housewives are bored? Women who are raising kids at home work hard, have stress and worries too. Women who work outside the home also work hard, have stress, commute on crowded trains and worry about job security.

Anyway, the point is, it is up to both the husband and the wife to keep the passion alive and to make an effort to meet their partner's sexual needs. If one person is not satisfied with the quantity or quality of sex then the couple has a problem and they need to work it out together.

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That's just sad....

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jtuzr, in Japan some women may 'give up' as you say, but many of them actually refuse their husbands, especially after giving birth.

It's the husband who is gradually forced to give up or take it elsewhere...

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In the west, I guess it's not as bad, but in Japan, women just give up after marriage.

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I still think it would be great if your only problem in life was that your wife wanted too much sex.

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Noyikatoku - I don't think there are too many bored housewives in Japan.

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why dont we give back the question to these wives... Do they satisfy their Husbands??? why only guys have to do the moves? guys work hard everyday, they swallow all the stress they get from work, commute to the crowded stressful trains, worry about keeping their jobs... while their housewives are at home bored , thinking the whole day how terrible their housewife lives they have. Why dont help the working to death husbands to cope up with japanese expenses so he can have more extra time with you? rather than staying home bored. The reason why they are bored is because of themselves! not their husbands.Relationships should be for both parties, not only for bored housewives, Look at the bright sides, husbands work to keep you in a good shelter, to feed you , to provide the needs of spoiled children, to pay taxes rather than buy things they need for themselves, and what do these housewives see??? complaining about sex ? but again... they are always the victim....

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It seems strange that there are guys out there who only respond to verbal cues from their partners... I think most guys out there know for a fact that women have tons of other ways to send non-verbal signals to the guy that she wants to do it, some subtle some pretty obvious.

If a guy's not getting any signals and on top of that he's not being told that she wants to do it... then I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm guessing she wants to do it, but not just with you... :/

I just find it hard to understand that's all.

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The kawanoji tradition does have a lot to answer for I think.Pretty hard to get it on with snivelling, wriggling brat lying between you and your missus

There are other rooms in the house...

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Fadamor, but all she probably has to do is just turn up.

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When all is said and done, the man still has to get aroused in order to complete the act. There's no switch that can turn "it" on if he isn't turned on. It may sound sexist, but the wife's going to have to be the one to turn him on if she wants the act completed.

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The kawanoji tradition does have a lot to answer for I think.Pretty hard to get it on with snivelling, wriggling brat lying between you and your missus

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Yasakuni said: You are a wise man. Well said

Yasakuni. Thanks, like so many others, you agree with by basic observation too.

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"A man dates/marries a woman hoping that she will never change (but she does) Whereas a women dates/marries a man for the 'future' potential she sees in him after she has finished trying to make him change his ways (which he doesn't)."

You are a wise man. Well said. But that shows that men are the ones to feel sorry for. Simple creatures. See a woman, fall in love with her as she is, and thinks - yeah, I like this woman. I will be happy with her. This is the kind of woman I want to spend my life with". And he would, but then she changes.

On the other hand, what kind of arrogance is it to marry someone already thinking you are going to change them, and then be upset when they don't do what you say, or become what you want them to become.

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One of the biggest and most common problems is the following:

A man dates/marries a woman hoping that she will never change (but she does) Whereas a women dates/marries a man for the 'future' potential she sees in him after she has finished trying to make him change his ways (which he doesn't).

Another common issue is: Men need sex in order to feel loved, and a women needs to feel loved (and understood) in order to want/enjoy sex.

Yet I still believe the biggest problem is communication. Once women realize that us men are simple creatures, maybe, just maybe they might start talking straight and not using a 'woman's code' or vague remarks that they expect us to decode and understand instantly.... If we fail to grasp want they want, we get accused of not understanding a woman's heart or feelings.... Ladies, one possible solution is try being frank, straight and getting to the point. Just talk to us in simple easy to understand everyday language. No man should have to try and understand the hidden messages within riddles and code, just to enjoy peaceful communication... This only confuses us and causes our GF/wife to feel misunderstood and even depressed...

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If a couple really love and respect each other, there won't be a sex problem.

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dolphingirl, I didn't make up the rules, I'm just saying....

But yasukuni has a point, if a husband isn't directing his sexual energy at his wife, then I can almost guarantee you that he's directing it at some hot girl at the office. Even if he isn't actually doing anything, he's definitely thinking about it. (Men, nod your head "yes", please)

So, I would bet that the women who are not satisfied with their sex lives after marriage are the exact same women who lured their future husbands in with a hot body, perfect make-up, and a mini skirt, and the moment the poor guy says "I do" and puts a ring on her finger - BAM!!! - Out with the mini skirt and in with the granny underwear, baggy turtleneck, dumpy jeans, and a pair of cheap Reeboks from ABC Mart!! (Ladies, nod your head "yes", please)

Just as men shouldn't be making excuses about not being mind-readers, women also shouldn't make excuses about not having the time to take care of themselves or not having enough money to look hot. I'm telling ya, a pair of low-cut form-fitting jeans and a tight little pink T-shirt exposing just the right amount of skin and cute underwear and I'm ready to go to town with this girl! I don't care how tired I am or who's making copies at the office. You could probably whip up an outfit like that for under 3,000 yen at Uniqlo or Gap anyway, so no excuses!! (Men, stop drooling, please)

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Actual lack of sex from either party is a legal ground for divorce, so it is marital duty.

If women still have passion and haven't figured out how to make their hubbies realize it, I would reckon that the marriage was never too deep to start with.

You should know what and when your hubby is responsive to the triggers that will end in sex. Same way for the other way round.

Just my view.

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Seems that some guys still hold on to this antiquated view that sex is a wife's marital duty; it most certainly isn't. These guys might actually have better and more frequent sex if they spent more time trying to make their partners want to have sex with them, instead of making them feel that it's their duty. Equally there are some women who see sex merely as a weapon that can be used to gain more leverage in the relationship. People who have these mind-sets surely have no hope of ever having a healthy, fulfilling sex life. Perhaps a bit of introspection, rather than name calling, might be a more constructive way forward.

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Happy wife Happy life

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”Rule number 1 of the male Ego : It's never his fault.”

Oh no - my wife must be male! No wonder I had problems...

"Frigid witch"? Dolphingirl, you really have a way with words. :-)

Actually Dolphingirl, I think society is much harder on a straying male. If a man has an affair because he claims he needed more than his wife offered, he is a low down scum sleaze bag. If a woman has an affair claiming that he didn't give her enough sex, people would just ridicule and belittle him.

But no matter, uneven sex drives is a terrible thing. I still think a man who doesn't have sex with his wife is still having it somewhere else.

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Rule number 1 of the male Ego : It's never his fault.

:-)

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Funny how when a wife is not having sex with her husband, it is her fault because she is a frigid witch. And when a husband is not having sex with his wife, it is still the wife's fault because she is not hot enough.

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but true love is when a man continues to be faithful to and love a woman even if she denies him sex.

What a definition of true love that is!

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If there was a red-lamp district catering to the "needs" of women, that would solve the problem most of the women in this article have, and apparently a lot of the posters here have as well. Whereas men usually don't have much of a problem spending money to have fun with an absolute stranger, I assume most women would have a problem. Otherwise, there would already be tons of happy women with big smiles on their faces and there would be no need for such a magazine survey. Am I right? (Nod your head "yes", please.)

So, my only guess is that all you women suffering from vanilla-withdrawal probably, I repeat probably, don't look "HOT"...

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Hmmm passion means to endure and or to suffer. Why should wives endure suffering for their husbands?

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Sorry should have been "No man marries a woman so he can be nagged to death". Anyway, if a woman wants sex with a guy, all she has to do is take her clothes off. If he still ignores you, then you really do have a major problem.

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As for women nagging? Women who nag are nuts. What is there to nag a man about? Being untidy? - well clean up! Spending too much money? - It's probably his money. Get a job if you want another dress. So just stop nagging! No man marries a woman so he can be to death. Just be thankful you have someone to nag and get on with the job of being nice to him. Simple. But if you really have to nag a man to have sex with you, then rather than complaining about it to your girlfriends, I suggest you hire a private detective.

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I find it hard to believe that there is such a thing as a male with a decent amount of testosterone who needs to be nagged into having sex with his wife.

Depends on what your expectation of your relationship with your wife is I would guess...

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I find it hard to believe that there is such a thing as a male with a decent amount of testosterone who needs to be nagged into having sex with his wife. He is either gay, having an affair with someone else, or like I said, has a testosterone problem.

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"Men who complain that their wife nags them need to consider why it is their wife nags. In 99.99% of cases, it's because you didn't listen the first (and second, and third, and fourth and nth) time she asked you. "

Haha! Hilarious! Don't you mean, in 99.99% of cases it's because you didn't do exactly what she told you to do / dared to have an independent thought / saw things differently the first (and second, and third, and fourth and nth) time she "asked" (read "told") you?

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We are all (at times) - tired; overworked; kids are demanding; nagging wife/husband; husband/wife doesn't listen to me; think all men/women are stupid; misogynistic; beating around the bush; nagging/whining & the list goes on. If both people make the time & effort then usually the passion will be there. One must make an effort in whatever one does. Complaining about lack of sex does nothing apart from deflate the passion of irritate the other person. My wife & I have been together 14+ years. We have times of passion & times of none. We are still intimate on a regular basis though even with a child & successful careers. Thankfully we are mature enough to talk about it, make the effort & time & finish up still having the best sex of our lives. We now know how to enjoy ourselves & each other better then when we were in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship, i.e. 3-5 times a day everyday. Sure that was great too but (I suppose I'm showing my age now!) quality over quantity is the thing we have both come to realize.

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Nagging isn't restricted to the topic of sex. If you're constantly on your partner about other things, (i.e. Why don't you make more money? Why do we eat the same thing every day?), you're going to find it more difficult for your partner to want to be around you while you're awake.

I suppose "vanilla sex" is okay if you both like setting yourselves on autopilot and letting 10's of thousands of years' evolution take over to get the job done. Hey, you could probably both check your cellphones for messages while you're at it.

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Men who complain that their wife nags them need to consider why it is their wife nags. In 99.99% of cases, it's because you didn't listen the first (and second, and third, and fourth and nth) time she asked you. Show me a nagging wife, and I'll show you a cloth-eared Martian husband.

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tokyokawasaki " think all men agree with us on this point.... Why is it that women still fail to get it.. Talk straight and you'll get the answer or the response you're looking for." totally agreed! i always do so ( i think this is a reason why guys are running away from me:))

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'Well that's easy enough to understand. Why doesn't it work?'--I know right?

Wife: Honey, don't you think it would be nice if we had sex a little more often?

Husband: Mumble, grunt, ugh, uh, yeah...

'Can someone explain the difference between talking straight and nagging'--Excellent question! Men call it 'nagging' because they hear the same request more than once. And why do they have to hear it more than once? Because they often don't really listen the first time.

one month later and still no sex...

Wife: So honey, I would really like to have sex with you more often.

Husband: Uh, yeah, okay...

later, husband talking to friend...

Husband: My wife is always nagging me that we never have sex! She doesn't tell me what she wants! I'm not a mind reader ya know!!

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Talk straight and you'll get the answer or the response you're looking for.

Well that's easy enough to understand. Why doesn't it work?

some of these men are tired or are turned off of their wives because of nagging

Can someone explain the difference between talking straight and nagging?

Just some nice vanilla sex once in a while is fine!

C'mon guys! Do you really need that spelled out in words of one syllable??

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Fadamor - As I said before, women who expect their partners to be mind readers are doomed to a lifetime of frustration. That kind of partner only exists in smarmy romance novels and sappy romance flicks. In the REAL world you are expected to vocalize your wants and needs.

I think all men agree with us on this point.... Why is it that women still fail to get it.. Talk straight and you'll get the answer or the response you're looking for. Talk or request something in a totally vague or abstract manner and expect us to get it wrong or totally misunderstand what it is you need or want.

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'C'mon, girly-men! Quit being a wussy and grow a pair. I think the whole "I ain't no mind reader!" rant is such a cop out'

jtuzr: I totally agree! I can't speak for all women, but I for one am not that complicated. I am not asking for an hour of foreplay or for the man to discover some mysterious erogenous zone or find out my secret fantasy. Just some nice vanilla sex once in a while is fine!

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'I mean that men have lust and want sex all the time, but true love is when a man continues to be faithful to and love a woman even if she denies him sex. Of course, I do not know if this is possible for a man.'

LoveUSA: It's is sexist myths like this that lead to so many problems...First of all, it is not true that all men want sex all the time. (Well, a guy in his late teens early 20's, probably.) Second, it is not true that the man's sex drive is always stronger than the woman's. There are many factors, including age, and so on that contribute to one's libido. Sounds like you have been jaded but there are many faithful men out there. I don't know how I would define 'true love' but it certainly has nothing to do with the denial of sex by a woman.

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It is quite possible. Happens every day, actually, contrary to popular belief.

hahaha, the funniest thing ever. such an optimist.

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Maybe these guys are stressed and don't have energy for headgames and foreplay. In addition they have a bad reaction to viagra, levitra and cialis like most guys. So I recommend "black ants" or "spree overlord" the stuff works very very good and hardly any side effects.

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strictly enforce worker rights.

end of story, solves a host of serious issues here.

odd tho, as technically I would fall under this same category - yet I am not Japanese by birth and it's the opposite for me... my wife cant handle 3-5 times per day 7 days a week anymore.

others can tho -_O

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The only thing that frustrates me (no pun intended) about this article is that it fails to give us feedback from the 3 Japanese women who were supposedly "very satisfied" with their sex lives.

Now how many of you will actually go out and buy a copy of the Shukan Post to find out? Grab a copy for me while you're at it, will ya? Thanks!

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Although the following quotes don't come from a "couple", they still illustrate the unfortunate reality in today's relationships.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:

"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

His Reply:

"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

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" . . . true love is when a man continues to be faithful to and love a woman even if she denies him sex. Of course, I do not know if this is possible for a man."

It is quite possible. Happens every day, actually, contrary to popular belief.

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While I don't think oral contraceptives are causing cancer, they do have other affects on relationships.

Oral contraceptives for women change their hormone and pheromone levels(stuff that attracts their males).

Going off the pill or starting it has been proven to affect the sex-level of the couple as the chemical attraction changes.

Same as child-birth, etc will also a change a womans hormone and pheromone level from being available for procreation to caring for their off-spring.

So there are hormone and pheromone levels that during a womans and mans life-span and oral contraceptives that adjust those levels can and do have a major effect on how suitable/desirable a mating partner is.

Nothing wrong and I heard the "mind-reader" argument a lot and was also told to be one. Fine I say if the female partner also becomes the same mind-reader, like to know when we want a BJ, etc.

Just my view.

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And that is why the EAR is such an erotic part here in Jpn, clue it aint the talking that does it!

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jtuzr,

you only partially correct, the ole ear action is very much a physical NOT cererbral reaction, take a look at nature a great many animals go for the ear during their dirty dances, among them many lizards! Haha

Yr welcome!

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Every woman in Jpn shud read yumimoto`s post & more importantly lfragains 10000% correction! The ignorance in Jpn relating to the pill unbelieveable, a perfect example of how the Japanese can be controlled by those in power!

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LoveUSA - guess you're parents were never in 'true love' then :-)

I mean that men have lust and want sex all the time, but true love is when a man continues to be faithful to and love a woman even if she denies him sex. Of course, I do not know if this is possible for a man.

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C'mon, girly-men! Quit being a wussy and grow a pair. I think the whole "I ain't no mind reader!" rant is such a cop out. Of course, because most otherwise intelligent men don't do their homework and don't have a clue, naturally I would also encourage women to be bold and "get yours".

One thing men must remember is that the woman's greatest erogenous zone is her brain! If you whisper the right "stuff" right up in her ear in a calm, deep voice for a few minutes, you will literally change her breathing rhythm on the power of your words alone. Then it's downhill hill from there. Okay, I think I just changed the lives of a few lucky couples out there. You're welcome. ;)

But I digress....

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Guys remember rejection and when the rejection comes often enough, you stop trying.

You got that right!

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Yumimoto,

women don't want to be pregnant (for social or economic reasons) and they know the chemical contraception is highly carcinogenic.

What an incredibly irresponsible statement to make.

Extensive research over the past 15-20 years, culminating in a comprehensive analysis of some 54 international studies from 25 countries by over 200 researchers, found that only certain types of cancer risks saw an increase in conjunction with oral contraceptive use, and only because the hormonal component of oral contraceptives slightly complimented an already existing risk of cancer due to the body's own naturally occurring hormones.

Additionally, evidence indicated elevated risks for breast cancer were more dependent on individual pre-existing genetic risks for breast cancer than specificially due to oral contraceptive use.

And most notably, the majority of studies showed that oral contraceptives in fact reduced the risk of ovarian and uterine cancer, two of the most common types of cancer for the female reproductive system, and continued to provide protective benefits for up to 15 years after discontinued use.

“I know for example many japanese women who refuse to take the pill because of health concern.”

That might very well be because these women were as successfully duped by rumor and misinformation as you seem to have been.

Do keep in mind that the Japanese Ministry of Health took 35 years to approve oral contraceptives, allegedly because it did not trust the safety of the drug, despite it having been extensively researched for years in foreign countries. In reality, ample evidence shows that Kōrō-shō allowed itself to be manipulated by outside interests, including doctors who did not want to see oral contraceptive cut into lucrative revenue generated by abortions (still the leading method of birth control in Japan), and political interests, including social critics who feared an upset of a gender role balance which overwhelmingly favored males.

And yet, the Ministry of Health, using foreign date, took a mere six months to approve Viagra after spending 35 years claiming foreign data regarding the safety of oral contraceptives was not to be trusted.

I’d highly recommend you reexamine your sources for this rumor that oral contraceptives are “highly carcinogenic”. You may just be surprised to find that the government wasn't (and still isn't) being very truthful with the Japanese public.

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What she wants and needs, tokyokawasaki, is for you to understand what she wants without her having to spell it out.

As I said before, women who expect their partners to be mind readers are doomed to a lifetime of frustration. That kind of partner only exists in smarmy romance novels and sappy romance flicks. In the REAL world you are expected to vocalize your wants and needs.

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I am reasonably lucky, the mrs & I are be pretty straight fwd with each other, we toss out words like I`m horny, have a few silly codes we use & then there is me aaahhh hard to describe.......going through the motions letting her know I in a randy mood LOL. Sometimes when I am dead tired or something she calls me a "retired" old man & I shout back I will have my stunt double(my dog trigger) do the humpty hump hahaha.

Certainly not like when we were newlyweds but we still have our fun!

Probably a big reason we can get away with this as we have no kids so that makes it easier to act a fool at home!!!

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If you just said what you want or need, instead of hinting at it with vague clues or gestures, just think how easy communicating would suddenly become...

What she wants and needs, tokyokawasaki, is for you to understand what she wants without her having to spell it out.

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LoveUSA - guess you're parents were never in 'true love' then :-)

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@Marushka - my daughter is still nursing and wakes up a few times a night. If she does not get her feeding, she screames bloody murder and does not go back to sleep. It is a comfort to her and way for me to get sleep between feedings. Also if you have not had the priviledge of watching you baby sleep peacefully, or waking up to their smiling faces and a cry of 'mama!', you can't understand how heartwarming it is. There is nothing untowards about it.

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i think true love is only love without sex.

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There is always the "woman looking for men" section on Metropolis if they need some passion in their lives.

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Canukle: i do respect yours as well, but i still do not understand the reason to sleep with a child in the same bed if a) there is enough space b) child is not ill. could you please explain?

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The magazine surveys 100 wives in an effort to find out. And the gist of their secret thoughts seems to be that their passion is by no means exhausted – if only their husbands knew how to tap it.

Ummmm is it possible for the newspaper to pass on the contact numbers of these bored housewives (well 3 of them dont seem too bored) to me? I wish to ummmm conduct my own (cough cough) survey!!!!

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"their passion is by no means exhausted – if only their husbands knew how to tap it".

Yeah, right...

If only women did not talk in riddles. I am sure most men would agree with me when I say "Quantum physics in extremely basic and simple compared to understanding how a woman thinks or what she really means when she speaks"....

If only women could learn how to communicate in a clear 'to the point' manner, I am sure more relationships would flourish...If you just said what you want or need, instead of hinting at it with vague clues or gestures, just think how easy communicating would suddenly become...

I get annoyed when I hear a woman say "he does not understand my feelings". Have woman ever stopped to ask themselves if it might just be their lack of clarity when communicating that might be cause???

Women need to remember, us men are simple creatures, and we prefer simple and clear communication and instructions. Follow these guidelines and everything will improve, because this would give us a fighting chance of actually decoding what you are trying to say or what you might be thinking....

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People dont speak up here so what do you expect? If you want some action say it. If you dont get it, look elswhere. People are the authors of their own misfortune in this country when it comes to affection or being intimate. I always hear "Its not the Japanese way or we are shy people." Oh well then, suck it up or speak up. Also, perhaps some of these men are tired or are turned off of their wives because of nagging. If you want your husband to get closer to you dont slag him off and nag him. Its a very huge turnoff and makes men uninterested. Sexy and hot or not, too much nagging wont do women any favours.

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Guys remember rejection and when the rejection comes often enough, you stop trying. Not trying becomes a habit. Stress from work and decline of testosterone levels due to aging (past 27 according to experts), wife not keeping her shape all add up to becoming the drone zombie husband these women complain about. Guys need an exciting life with adventure or they become a depressed unsatisfied drone.

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@Marushka - that is your opinion and I respect it, but neither I, nor my husband, is 'sick'.

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and they know the chemical contraception is highly carcinogenic.

what a load of bull...!

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It’s good that love and affection can survive the awful pounding life gives it.

Seems like the husbands need to start the pounding? Hmmm?

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Nowhere in this article is any indication that married women have any passion. This is merely a collection of obvious stats about being married for a few years, and losing interest in sex after the kids come. This is very common.

Saying you are only "sort of" satisfied in your sex life is much different than saying you crave sex more than your husband realizes.

Of course, writing an article about some secret sexual and untapped desire in women is certain to get many more clicks that one regarding a normal and expected decline in sexual activity as the marriage progresses.

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"if only their husbands knew how to tap it." - pun intended.

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oups ! sorry for the bad tiping. Can't edit it... so here is it again :

Women have to step up and say they want sex sometimes too or try to get the guy in the mood as well. You can't always rely on one person to do all the work it's mutual work. That's not that easy. Women who's asking for sex are labeled as "whores" in many culture.

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Women have to step up and say they want sex sometimes too or try to get the guy in the mood as well. You can't always rely on one person to do all the work it's mutual work. That's not that easy. Women who's asking for sex are labeled as "whores" in many culture.

japanese women are very hot looking before they get married, once they got married they change their look from girly kawai to obasan. i go to onsen quite often and sorry but I see pretty women wearing terrible underwear. It's the sign these women don't want to seduce anymore and there are many reasons for that like :

a lot of guys don't know how to make love to their female partner and porn movies are really not helping to understand the female desire. With such men, women try to avoid sex as much as possible cause it's not fun for them.

women don't want to be pregnant (for social or economic reasons) and they know the chemical contraception is highly carcinogenic. I know for example many japanese women who refuse to take the pill because of health concern.

In conclusion, the only way for these women to live in peace and age healthy is to stop being attractive and stop all sexual activity.

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The question is did exactly 100 women respond or did they cull the answers from a larger response pool. Did they also poll 100 men? I'd be interested to hear the men's answers to the same questions.

Guys like to "do it" even in middle age, so if it's not happening then someone is not communicating EFFECTIVELY in the relationship.

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The magazine surveys 100 wives in an effort to find out.

A mere 100 people do not make a relevant statistic; it is bullsh..

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Dolphingirl,

There used to be a saying in the U.S. about the "perfect wife"...

She would be June Cleaver (a 1960's TV mom - back when TV only showed "perfect" families) in the kitchen and a slut in the bedroom.

The implication was she kept a perfect house for the family and guests and had no inhibitions once the bedroom doors were closed.

It's great that you're being proactive about things. Us guys are not mind readers, so the ladies who expect their man to know what they want without saying it are doomed to a life of frustration. But the reverse is true as well. If he hasn't ever told you what he'd like to happen, then try to get him to open up.

Most people have a line they won't cross when it comes to sexual relations and IMHO most people set that line too high in order to be "respectable". Perhaps what he wants falls below where he thinks you have set your line at. Try and discuss with him where those lines would fall if neither of you were worried about how others would perceive you. He might find you're more willing to try different things than he thought.

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good looking guys kind romantic gaijins need a break, specially from single mothers.And also wives who don't receive a proper care from their beloved husbands. Everybody need sex. I know some gaijins who entertain house wives and single mothers. Husbands, be careful enough to give the best love with sex to your wives, whenever they want.

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What a dreadful, dreadful article.

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Well, not the greatest article ever written that's for sure but I am glad that this point of view has at least been acknowledged! You hear so many stories about how married men aren't getting any sex because their wives refuse. It's nice to hear the other side for a change. Honestly speaking, I am one of those 'passionate' wives who is starting to feel the frustration because my husband won't have sex with me. And yes I have tried to talk to him about it. And yes I do initiate sex...most of the time! any words of advice?

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I still do not understand why children sleep with parents in japan. Ok, if it is a space issue- no question, you will try to do your best from what you have got, but in normal conditions – it is imho sick to sleep with kids

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My almost 2 year old daughter still sleeps with us but that in no way inhibits our sex life - we just set up a futon in the spare room. We enjoy our 'family bed' and the closeness it brings. That being said, most likely by the time she is 3 she will be in her own bed. It is VERY common for children to sleep with their parents in Japan. Used to be a space issue. The thing I have issue with is when the mom only sleeps with the children and the husband sleeps in another room...that just seems sad.

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When asked if sex with their husbands satisfies them, 64 of the 100 reply “I suppose so”

ZING!

“However good a man you marry, once 10 years have gone by after the birth of children, you find you’ve arrived at the same point in life anyway.”

DOUBLE ZING!!

“Do you still think of your husband as a man?” the magazine asks, to which one wife among the 34 who answer no says, “More as a male dog than as a man.”

TRIPLE ZING!! WE HAVE a WINNNNAHHHH!

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My imho: japanese women are very hot looking before they get married, once they got married they change their look from girly kawai to obasan. i go to onsen quite often and sorry but I see pretty women wearing terrible underwear. I mean – sex is not only act, it is a spirit, if you haven’t got it- try to create it.

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Monkeyz

One problem I see is that men and women are generally set into different spheres in Japan. Men have male friends and women have female friends, and you only cross over that barrier when you date or get married.

Thank you for that piece of social anthropology. However, you're completely wrong. I and many of if not all my Japanese friends, including married people too, have both male and female spheres and mixed ones too, not just for dating etc.

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kids still sleeping with their parents. That should be stopped as well,

This is sooooo true, I’ve been try to get my son to sleep by himself in his cot (which is in the same room) for some time, but the wife keeps laying him down to sleep in our bed and pulls him in to our bed in the middle of the night.... brakes everything I have done to get him used to his own bed.

On another note, my sister-in-law still sleeps in her parent’s bed and she’s a grown adult, but you didn’t hear that from me......

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For once i agree with all of the posters! Everyone nailed it!

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well one of the problems here is probably that Japanese women thing that the men should do all the work even when it comes to sex. Women have to step up and say they want sex sometimes too or try to get the guy in the mood as well. You can't always rely on one person to do all the work it's mutual work.

The fact that Japanese are so conservative about their emotion's and physical touching is too much too, a kiss in public is such a terribly embarrassing thing to them. I can barely get my husband to give me a kiss in public sometimes haha.

Also the amount of porn in this country makes it even harder I'm sure, can't stand seeing guys sitting on the train flipping through their porn.

Someone also mentioned kids still sleeping with their parents. That should be stopped as well, kids don't need to sleep with their parents no matter what age they are, they have beds of all types for kids of all ages.

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These kinds of surveys are really pointless, and especially so when the findings are presented like this - incomprehensibly.

Never heard of this ? → %

Did someone write this on acid, or did they just use Google translate ? I have no idea what this article is about.

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things might improve if the kids were actually sleeping in their own rooms. I have known kids of 10 years old still sleeping with the parents. also heaven forbid couples should actually communicate about sexual wants and desires !

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Wow, if I go out and take a random survey of 100 people can that be considered newsworthy? What a non story this is!

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I guess that Japanese culture is not really mentioned in this article. This British guy gets it all out there on his anti-Japanese culture website somewhere out there. I can't remember. I do remember that Japanese women, according to that guy and maybe verified throught my female friends, once a Japanese female gets a family, they no longer need sex. The men are taught to have affairs from what I can tell, and 80 percent of mothers had no real problem with prostitution according to a poll conducted in Japan. So, if you take into consideration that men are becoming less manly and females more, that also according to articles, you might get this whole asexual cultural thing going if you believe in it. The numbers do not lie, Japan has a negative birth ration going on. The sex industry is in the billion dollar range. The scandal mongers are finding a bunch of married men on the brothel lists and with women of the night as well as with famous TV talents. I guess that if you put all that together, the men look elsewhere even if the wives want to have sex more or less or be more romantic. It is a sad element of this society. I read about a Japanese women divorcing her husband because a foreign man was more romantic than her Japanese husband.

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If the sex the husbands are offering is anything like the porn they watch, then one can understand why the women would refuse. Methinks the sex that women want is a far cry from the sex they would be offered.

One problem I see is that men and women are generally set into different spheres in Japan. Men have male friends and women have female friends, and you only cross over that barrier when you date or get married. Men are taught that their role as a man is to do whatever they want and women are told that their role as a woman is to deal with it. Communicating about the issue is just not done.

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I wonder if the issue is not actually about poor quality, not poor quantity? The one leads to the other...

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I gave up asking two years ago, and I am in good shape and not a slob. Caught the wife stealing from my hard earned cash, and cut her off, so she moved out. Thank god. Now I can have fun.

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“More as a male dog than as a man.”

LOL. I work like a dog so I know the feeling...

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My guess is there is a lot of passive longing going on across both sexes. I hear guys here say all the time that their partner doesn't have sex with them much and refuses their advances. Over time the guys give up trying. Then I hear women say my guy has no passion, but she doesn't do anything at all to address it.

Like everything else, Japan needs councellors and advisors to help people communicate. If the guy likes feminine sexy enticement and the girl likes long loving sex, then do both and make everyone happy. But you first have to communicate this to each other. If you can't on your own, you need an intermediar or facilitator to make it happen.

Talk people!! And get on with enjoying life a little more.

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How about doing an article from the other viewpoint? The husband is interested, but the wife has her kid(s) and money and wants no part of it?

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Just put out...

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the husbands want sex, just not with their wives and quite often vice versa. marital infidelity is as japanese as miso

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If they want it, why don't they just say so?

Are the husbands refusing?? If no, then do something about it and stop complaining.

I don't know which is more vague, the wives or this article.

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Oh my, where do you start with this article?

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Dont jump into marriage if she/he doesnt have all the important qualities for YOU. You must ask your partner about those qualities. If you both match, it should be a great marriage! (for example, you might want a freak in bed and to u that is very important, but she isnt into sex as you are...or she needs to feel loved all the time, but you dont know how to express your feelings constantly etc)

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This article makes no sense at all. More like a rant. So.....the wives want more sex but the husbands don't? Or they don't tell the husbands that they do want more sex? Or longer sex? What the hell do they actually want?

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