Letters from Japan: 'My boyfriend suddenly changed' & 'I thought he liked me'

These girls are looking for advice on what the Japanese guys they've been with may have been thinking. It would seem to me that having a Japanese man answer these questions would be more likely to have accuracy than what I assume is a female foreigner.

Even though I typically totally disagree with that stangerland guy.. he is 100% right in this one...

You best NOT reading advice from a foreign woman in Tokyo regarding Japanese guy's behaviour... its a given she is wrong.

Well Strangerland, if somebody else would have penned that sentence, you might have countered that opinion by exploring all the other possibilities, like how Hilary Keyes might have been born here or something. I don’t think she is however, for it’s perfectly ok to use omae, boku or ore in a colloquial setting and even on tv you can hear the same when people who know each other babble amongst each other in front of the camera. It’s different though when somebody is angry at you and calls you omae this and omae that. I would have thought that youngsters would use the suffix “chan” when referring to each other.

If this is a foreign woman writing the advice, it’s a good job the Japanese woman writing the letter wasn’t talking about a foreign boyfriend.

The advice would have been something like dump him because he’s a loser who wouldn’t be popular in his own country ;)

Well Strangerland, if somebody else would have penned that sentence, you might have countered that opinion by exploring all the other possibilities, like how Hilary Keyes might have been born here or something.

That's why I wrote "what I assume is a female foreigner". I'm ok with being proven wrong if that is the case.

A foreign woman who has lived in Japan and dated Japanese men is the perfect person to give advice to foreign women in Japan dating Japanese men.

And she’s right - a guy who suddenly turns agressive and finds fault with everything you do ought to be dumped - DTFMA.

If this is a foreign woman writing the advice, it’s a good job the Japanese woman writing the letter wasn’t talking about a foreign boyfriend.

???

It's a Canadian woman who has lived in Japan for 10 years giving advice to a fellow non-Japanese woman.

A foreign woman who has lived in Japan and dated Japanese men is the perfect person to give advice to foreign women in Japan dating Japanese men.

The two questions asked:

I dumped him, obviously, but what gives?

And:

decided to change jobs in September and was going to try asking him out on a real date, but he keeps snubbing me. What should I do? *

For the first question, a Japanese guy is going to be much more likely to answer that question accurately than a foreign female.

The second one is different, it's asking her opinion. In this case, I don't see that a Japanese guy is going to be better, insofar as it's just asking an opinion about what to do.

A foreign woman who has lived in Japan and dated Japanese men is the perfect person to give advice to foreign women in Japan dating Japanese men.

Yes. Because all Japanese men are the same and all non-Japanese women are the same. Makes perfect sense.

@performing monkey

Thanks for the correction.

I think the columnist should first learn a bit more about the Japanese language. In its practical use, not the textbook one.

"Ore" and "ore-sama" are two difference things. Who in hell says "boku" to friends, family or lovers? It's perfectly fine to say "ore" when speaking to people who know you well (which was the case in the article, and I personally think that means the man just felt he got closer and could be more open to the woman, not disrespectful at all) or when one is in a higher position, for example. "Ore-sama" is indeed an arrogant form, but can also be used as a joke refering to oneself. It all depends how it is being used.

And "anata" being used to refer to someone is just a silly mistake maybe resulted from the "need" to translate every little word. Not that it's not used at all, but in real life it's MUCH more common and makes MUCH more sense to use the name of the person, with or without a suffix such as "-san", "-chan", whatever, depending on the situation (as a sidenote, "anata" is too direct, and so it's even considered not so polite). Unless, of course, you're married and are talking to your wife/husband...

I think vallum is more or less on the right track.

Mr cleo calls himself ore when speaking to me, the kids and his mother, boku when speaking to his sister (probably a remnant from when they were little kids and boku was natural), watashi when speaking to strangers and guranpa when speaking to the grandkids.

He's only ever used anata to me when we've been having a serious row, he's been really ticked off at me for something, etc. I've never ever heard him use anata to his mother, or indeed anyone else. He calls people by their name or nickname. I don't think I would feel at ease with a bloke who went around calling people anata.

The advice would have been something like dump him because he’s a loser who wouldn’t be popular in his own country ;)

But they have a point though, I mean quite a few Western blokes are much more popular with J/Asian ladies than they were back home. Don't think they're losers or LBH per se; just quirky, unconventional, sometimes goofy, awkward etc blokes who didn't fit in (back home).

Haven't been here that long but it's pretty obvious that these guys are overrepresented in Japan (I actually know quite a few guys who fit the description & moved to SEA/ Japan for that very reason. And they own it).

But they have a point though

Maybe. It’s just the nastiness which gets me.

If a man or a woman wasn’t considred attractive at home but is found attractive somewhere else, I’d be delighted for them.

Fill your boots.

Maybe. It’s just the nastiness which gets me.

Fair enough.

Some of these blokes do become cocky & pretty full of themselves after a few years in sea/jp though. Not saying that they should know their place but it seems quite a few certainly did let 'success' (sort of) go to their head.

I’m not sure the case here has to do with anything Japanese other than the boyfriend’s nationality.

There are people of all races and nationalities who prefer not to be the one to break up out of aversion to hurting someone but that’s what happens in the end anyways. They would do what’s necessary to force you to break up.

In that line with quercetum.

Summing all the things that was noticed by the woman,  it isn't hard to see that the guy was in the falling out stage. It doesn't matter what nationalities are involved - ignore the words, the gestures were easier to understand.