Japan Today
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A foreign woman’s guide on how to discuss sex with your Japanese guy

33 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Sex is an essential topic that will — better sooner than later — come up in your romantic relationship. However, when it involves international couples, language and cultural barriers may make one (or both) of you uncomfortable at times. What language should you talk dirty in and how do you express your fantasies without turning each other down? Is it culturally okay to ask your guy for a stop by at a love hotel — or how the heck do you comfort your guy if he’s worried about his size? These are situations that many foreign women dating Japanese men may be going through. So, if you’re one of these women stuck on how to discuss these sorts of sex topics with your guy, this guide is for you!

1. What Language To Speak In The Bedroom

2. Size Matters

3. Love Hotel Visits

4. Feeling Or Not Feeling It

5. Cosplay, Toys & Lotions

1. What Language To Speak In The Bedroom

Thankfully, sex is a universal language that requires fewer words and more actions. However, you’ll still need to talk about it at some point. You may be wondering, what language is the best, especially if your Japanese isn’t perfect. If you’re worried about language issues, start by saying something vague like:

日本語では初めてだから… (nihongo de hajimete dakara; “I’ve never done this in Japanese before…”)

This will make your guy realize where you’re heading and will make him supportive—he may even offer to teach you how to talk dirty in Japanese.

These words are common and useful as a start:

  • 立って (tatte; “stand up”)
  • 座って (suwatte; “sit down“)
  • 上で (ue de; “on top”)
  • バックで (bakku de; “from the back”)
  • 手コキ (tekoki; “hand job”)
  • 気持ちいい (kimochi ii; “it feels good”)
  • ちょっとやめて (chotto yamete; “stop for a minute”)

If you don’t feel comfortable using Japanese, however, there’s no need to — approach the matter in your own language. Your guy will most probably love it anyway!

2. Size Matters

This is a discussion that I have had more times than I care to remember over the course of my dating life in Japan. Just as with every other nationality on the planet, there are under, average and exceptionally endowed Japanese men. But the truth is, many Japanese men care about their sizes when it comes to sharing a bed with a foreign woman because oftentimes they think that we expect more. This can make them feel inferior and even shy about approaching the topic.

Anyone familiar with "Sex and the City" should remember Charlotte’s boyfriend, Mr “Cat,” who was great at providing oral pleasures because he wasn’t confident in anything else. An Australian friend of mine was dating a similar Japanese man. While she appreciated his efforts, she wanted to change things up. She sat him down one night and explained what she was after, and he was able to confess that he’d heard Western women think Asian men are ill-equipped and didn’t want to disappoint her sexually. Honesty is what brought them together, and the two found a solution by switching positions in bed, which left both of them satisfied and assured.

So, how do I go about it?

The first time you get intimate with your Japanese man, regardless of his actual size, he might start apologizing, saying things like:

  • 小さくてごめん (chiisakute gomen; “Sorry it’s so small”)
  • ガッカリしちゃった?(gakkari shichatta?; “Are you disappointed?”)

The more assured he feels, though, the better you both will feel. So find a subtle way to tell him that this isn’t a problem for you (if it really isn’t).

You can say something like:

  • ううん、大きい (uun, okii; “No, it’s big”)
  • ちょうどいいサイズ (chodo ii saizu; “It’s the perfect size for me”)

The best answer to this depends on your relationship with your guy and the language you speak in bed, but reassuring him is always the best option.

3. Love Hotel Visits

Click here to read more

© Savvy Tokyo

©2025 GPlusMedia Inc.

33 Comments
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Wow, I thought Hilary was an uber-liberal "progressive!" But here she is, implying that Japanese men need a special "guide" for discussing sex - sounds dangerously close to cultural stereotyping! Aren't we supposed to believe all men are exactly the same, no matter where they're from? Check your privilege sister!

ううん、大きい (uun, okii; “No, it’s big”)

And then she suggests the best course of action is to be blatantly dishonest with them?

What a baffling article!

-8 ( +7 / -15 )

Embarrasing article. Not because of the risque nature of the subject matter, but the condescending attitude and stereotyping.

-2 ( +5 / -7 )

Wow, I thought Hilary was an uber-liberal "progressive!" But here she is, implying that Japanese men need a special "guide" for discussing sex - sounds dangerously close to cultural stereotyping! 

@Jay - Actually, you'd be surprised at some of the J-guys. For example, a Filipina co-worker of mine went out with a Japanese guy. A few months into the relationship, when they were talking about it, she told me that the guy didn't know how to use certain items, and she was shocked. She told me that the guy was not much younger than me (around my early 50s). Some people.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Some Japanese men are hopeless dysfunction when it comes to Japanese women,are clueless about foreign women

-2 ( +5 / -7 )

This article is explicit and pornogrphic in detail, I would be unhappy if my son or partner were to see it and this site is for all ages, what if a young child red this? Well, there are some things best kept private, the author does herself no service here. What if her mum or gran saw this, they would surely by horrified and feel devastated, perhaps even disown her.

-16 ( +5 / -21 )

Sex should be an open discussion. I always answered the questions from my children. If they were old enough to ask, they were old enough to have an answer. Healthy sex is a vital part of our lives. I have had a frank and open discussion with my Japanese partner. Sex is not some nasty dirty need.

8 ( +13 / -5 )

Wallace

Maybe but you didn’t publish about it on a public site with young people amongst the targeted audience.

-7 ( +6 / -13 )

falseflagsteve

Maybe but you didn’t publish about it on a public site with young people amongst the targeted audience.

I have no problems with articles promoting discussions about healthy sex. You objected to your wife seeing it. How old is your child? My children asked questions from a very young age and I answered them.

8 ( +13 / -5 )

I wonder if we'll get a "this is how to have sex with Japanese women" article and what kind of "body count" the author will need to have.

If so, I hope it has a "this is what married women like..." section to sauce it up and make people resent the author even more.

5 ( +6 / -1 )

Wallace

This is a site regarding Japan primarily with many articles appealing to youngsters. Children shouldn’t see stuff like this promoting promiscuity and discussing things that should only be discussed in private by responsible adults or a qualified expert.

The behaviour promoted in this article is far from healthy, a stable traditional approach to these things is required and promiscuity and all the dangers associated with it are glamourised and made to seem the norm when they are in fact an alternative lifestyle the type of which I find regressive and immoral.

My son has been educated on these matters properly on the importance of loyalty in a relationship and the benefits to society of the traditional family.

-12 ( +6 / -18 )

ffs

This is a site regarding Japan primarily with many articles appealing to youngsters. Children shouldn’t see stuff like this promoting promiscuity and discussing things that should only be discussed in private by responsible adults or a qualified expert.

I have no problem with it and I doubt many youngest read JT.

The behaviour promoted in this article is far from healthy, a stable traditional approach to these things is required and promiscuity and all the dangers associated with it are glamourised and made to seem the norm when they are in fact an alternative lifestyle the type of which I find regressive and immoral.

I disagree.

My son has been educated on these matters properly on the importance of loyalty in a relationship and the benefits to society of the traditional family.

What is the age of your son and why would you object to your wife reading any article she wishes to?

7 ( +11 / -4 )

Wallace

My son is old enough to understand these matters, he’s almost a man now and he is normal and decent and thankfully does not approve of these types of alternative lifestyles. He has been taught to avoid these types of lifestyles and inform me if anyone tries to lure him into a love hotel or their house, particularly if it’s a man so I can deal with it in the spot in a way that will dissuade the person from approaching my son or any other innocents in the future,

My partner can read what she likes of course but she would be shocked and upset by seeing this sort of sexually explicit article next to ones promoting tourist area and things food related etc.

This type of article belongs on an adult only website with age restrictions for those who choose to adopt such a lifestyle.

-15 ( +4 / -19 )

ffs

there are many far more offensive articles on JT than this type.

6 ( +11 / -5 )

ffs

there is nothing offensive in this article, and it's all rather tame compared with many others.

7 ( +12 / -5 )

Wallace

An article commenting on the size of a man’s willy is immoral and many other things.

This article glamourises promiscuity and fails to acknowledge the dangers associated with normalising this kind of behaviour, particularly to the fairer sex.

-18 ( +3 / -21 )

Always be suspicious of the morally outraged protesting too much. They are usually the least trustworthy and honest people you will ever come across.

8 ( +13 / -5 )

*and least honest

9 ( +13 / -4 )

Always be suspicious of the morally outraged protesting too much. They are usually the least trustworthy and honest people you will ever come across.

Classic Jimi: anyone with morals must be hiding something!

Meanwhile, the "enlightened" crowd insists that nothing is inherently right or wrong - "everything's like, OK man!" - until, of course, someone disagrees with them.

Funny how that works.

-14 ( +2 / -16 )

Are those most likely to cheat on their partners are dishonest and morally lacking in other areas? I find the liars, those pretending to be something they are not etc can’t be trusted in any area.

The expression of trusting a thief over a liar is an instructive one.

Some are of course too dishonest and unattractive to have a partner in the first place.

8 ( +11 / -3 )

falseflagsteve

An article commenting on the size of a man’s willy is immoral and many other things.

> This article glamourises promiscuity and fails to acknowledge the dangers associated with normalising this kind of behaviour, particularly to the fairer sex.

Where is the promiscuity in the article? It's about talking to your Japanese guy about sex.

11 ( +12 / -1 )

Here another .....

お母さんは私たちの郵便受けを覗いている ドレスを脱いで

.....

-6 ( +0 / -6 )

Sorry English sense of humour...

-6 ( +1 / -7 )

Some of the Victorian attitudes shown here are fascinating. I'm offended by the idea of parents having some kind of opinion on what their grown up children and even wives should and should not do. As others have commented, there are much more worrying things reported on this site than sexuality.

6 ( +8 / -2 )

Ahhh... maybe falseflagsteve sees they are 'dating', therefore not married, therefore indulging in sex before marriage, of which he disapproves because of his... religion(?) or upbringing(?).

6 ( +7 / -1 )

Wouldn't this article be directed mostly at Chinese, Korean and other SE Asian women?

They make up the majority of women in "international marriages" with Japanese men.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

falseflagsteve

An article commenting on the size of a man’s willy is immoral and many other things.

You live in Japan? I have been asked exactly this many times in a pub. The way this society is quite open and direct about physical things was quite surprising to me when I first came here.

Also, I think the article is directed at adults and not children, as you seem to assume.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Zaphod

Nobody in Japan or any country I’ve lived in has walked up and asked about the size of my willy. It would be a short and unpleasant conversation if it did happen you see.

Negative

Why wouldn’t a man have an opinion on what their child or partner should or shouldn’t do? That’s how relationships and society work otherwise chaos ensues.

-5 ( +3 / -8 )

short and unpleasant

0 ( +3 / -3 )

Maybe a new sex position will spice up boring relationships,their are actually 100 of sex position,than the usual one only left too the imagination

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

falseflagsteve

Nobody in Japan or any country I’ve lived in has walked up and asked about the size of my willy. It would be a short and unpleasant conversation if it did happen you see.

Not "walk up to you" out of nowhere but in a lubricated conversion in a pub in Japan? Absolutely. 100%. There are so many things that are openly talked about here that would make e.g. Americans heads explode. On the other hand, talking about politics is practially impossible. How long have you been here?

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Do not put any important on sex when hooking up. As soon as you do it will be used as tool to leverage anything the other wants. Make this statement clear and load so she fully understands you place not relevance on sex. My favorite saying is wank wank money in the bank.

-3 ( +1 / -4 )

Lots of women I believe,at least want to be taken into state of ecstasy and reach a climax orgasm

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

It seems some of us here went ahead and clicked on the whole article. I didn't. That might explain the differences among the comments.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

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