lifestyle

A mini-guide to impressing your future Japanese in-laws

14 Comments
By SHARON ALPHONSO

They say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Here are a few tips on getting your future Japanese in-laws to accept you when you're introduced.

It’s been three long years that have passed since I’ve met my Japanese husband’s parents, but the memory remains fresh in my mind. When we met his parents in Nara, I vividly recall feeling nervous yet excited at the same time. As much as I wanted to make a great first impression, I didn’t want to come across as someone trying too hard. Fortunately, everything went smoothly despite the language barrier and cultural differences. While I cannot turn back the clock, I can certainly share some solid relationship advice. Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time. Let’s begin, shall we?

Bow When You First Meet Them

iStock-882999196.jpeg
Photo: iStock

When you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time, bow deeply and stay in that position for at least five seconds. This gesture shows respect. As tempting as it may be, avoid going in for firm handshakes, kisses on the cheeks or warm bear hugs. These gestures are uncommon in Japan. Hence, to avoid offending or embarrassing anyone, bowing is a safe way to greet them.

Always Bring A Gift

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© Savvy Tokyo

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14 Comments
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Beyond cringe-worthy.

Is this taken from a 1980s "Guide to Japan" pamphlet"?

8 ( +12 / -4 )

Not to be rude, but a women marrying a Japanese man would have little to no problem being accepted by their in-laws compared to gaijin men. Their parents would be proud that their boy was able to marry a foreign lady because this shows he is kakkoii, whereas a women marrying a foreign man will get an almost immediate rejection. At least based off the people I know.

-5 ( +3 / -8 )

Bow deeply? A smile, a hello and a handshake was perfectly fine for me. Later the same day I was washing dishes and serving beer to customers in the family yakitoriya.

It broke any ice and set me up for a lovely marriage.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

Hmm, I did not get an "immediate rejection", nor did most of my friends (there were some exceptions though). Despite my in laws being quite traditional and from a small city, it did help that I could speak Japanese, I had a stable job, and I was friendly-polite, as learned from my job that requires me to interact a lot with various Japanese people in a formal manner. 12 years and 3 grandchildren later, we are still in good terms.

Just do a bit of homework and preparation, get advice and info from your future wife, and use common sense. Remember that meeting the parents of your partner is a huge thing in Japan, close to proposing, and things are quite formal at the first meeting.

2 ( +6 / -4 )

timeon has initially been given three thumbs-down. Why? What he says says strikes me as both cheerful and plausible...I'm an old man who has been in Japan over fifty years--I've seen how it has changed, and even decades ago the Japanese weren't nearly as "xenophobic" as they have often been portrayed to be.

3 ( +5 / -2 )

Khuniri, I bumped timeon with an extra +

Nonsense article. I was /am typically British while being reasonably sympathetic and respectful to cultural norms with in-laws. And as Timeline says just being polite and friendly does the trick.

But they love the Britishness.

Yes we all get offended by something or someone anywhere in the world but offence is taken not given. The western people that feel that Japanese are constantly xenophobic are people who are just looking to be offended on a daily basis.

Like the guy who had a melt down when I described myself and him as gaijin. "That is GAIKOKUJIN!!" he shouted, the triggering going on as he declared the word gaijin as a malicious and racist word and proceeded to give me a 25 minute history lecture.

FFS I just wanted to eat, get drunk and have fun.

Get over yourselves, small people!

4 ( +6 / -2 )

Thanks, Khuniri and Knight. If you follow the comments for a while, then you know that quite a few of the poster have had bad marriage experiences in Japan, so downvotes on such a topic are to be expected.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

@timeon

I agree with a lot of what you said. I just so happen to have unlucky acquaintances whom have been rejected just by their nationality alone (they were of Pinoy descent). Down votes are going to go either way and I'm glad you won't let them budge.

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

@SDCA

I think you're right. And it happens the world over.

I dated a Scottish girl once and my Dad was not best pleased. In addition her parents were downright horrified that she'd chosen a Sassanach....

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Met my Japanese In-Laws I didn't take a gift nor did I bow. They told their daughter in advance, that they prefer to see my character from quietly observing. They didn't want me to be superficial they told her to tell me to be myself that way they will get to know the true person. My marriage is great, my In-Laws are great, the only thing they said to me in broken English was take care of their daughter and grand son.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

When I first met my late MIL she looked me up and down and said "Big" and laughed.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Many foreigners are on the, shall we say, “larger sizes” and often-rumoured to be ‘less-than-thoroughly-hygienic’.

Be able to properly bathe each evening is always a respectable consideration and obligation to other family members under the same roof.

(By custom, the guest is often offered the first of the evening baths.)

0 ( +1 / -1 )

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