Ah, Tokyo. While it might not have the romantic appeal of Paris, there’s something about Tokyo that brings people from all over the world together. Sure, a lot of people come to Japan looking for a Japanese paramour, but some find love from other countries instead. Off the top of my head, I can recall about 25 couples who only met and started dating their significant foreigner because both parties decided to come to Japan for one reason or another. This includes workplace romances, vacations, special events, university gap years —almost any situation you can think of, in fact.
The Best Parts
Being alone in a new place can make anyone feel, well, lonely. Your social circle dwindles down to coworkers if you’re lucky, and it’s not all that easy to make new friends if you’re not comfortable putting yourself out there. You’re an “outsider,” but sometimes that means other outsiders are just what you need.
“We lived in the same neighborhood, ate at the same family restaurant often and were familiar with each other’s presence before we ever actually spoke to one another. It wasn’t love at first sight, but one day we started talking in FamilyMart, and it’s been a decade since then” (Canadian & Korean couple, 30s).
That’s a big part of it right there — something about the other person feels familiar yet not. You’re also likely going through similar experiences, which can definitely bring people together. Everyone, at one point or another, has needed someone to vent to about what they’re going through in Japan. We all need a sympathetic ear sometimes, so having a partner who can understand your experiences is a big plus.
“This is a long time ago now, but the big English school we worked for went bankrupt. He and I worked in the same area, and I’d met him at a couple of parties, so when he needed a place to stay, I offered to let him camp in my non-company rented apartment. He stayed for two weeks, then got his own place […] A year later we moved into an apartment together” (British & Australian couple, 40s).
Losing your job and home isn’t exactly fun, but somehow, that calamity brought two people together. Unfortunately, it’s not all “meet cutes” and chance encounters.
The Bad Bits
As I mentioned earlier, some people come to Japan strictly because they’re looking for a Japanese partner. That might not be the goal they put on their visa applications, but it’s definitely there in the back of their minds or written on the front of their T-shirts, as displays at a few tourist-friendly shops have demonstrated.
“I met this gorgeous Irish guy in [redacted]. He was so charming, and we started dating seriously. I thought we were exclusive, but he seemed to think otherwise. Eventually, I found out from someone that she’d seen him making out with a Japanese classmate of ours and that they were dating. I called him out on it, and he said ‘You should have known what you were getting into with a white guy in Japan.’ Seriously” (American, 20s).
Many people face the fear of being replaced by a Japanese partner when living here. It happens so frequently to both men and women that sometimes, this betrayal by another non-Japanese is enough to make a person leave the country altogether.
Extreme Ghosting
Another downside to dating a fellow foreigner in Japan is a familiar one—ghosting. Ghosting is awful enough, but when you’re both from different countries it can feel downright cruel.
“I was dating this girl from New Zealand, and we were madly in love as far as I knew. We’d been together for a year, and I was starting to think about popping the question. Then one day, I went to call her and her number was not in service. I panic and go over to her apartment, but it’s empty. The name’s off the mailbox, everything. […] I didn’t learn until years later on Facebook that she’d gotten a job offer in China and decided that it was worth more than our relationship” (German, 40s).
Sometimes, meeting someone in a different country turns out to be a nightmare.
The Horrific
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10 Comments
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For many people, the older they get, the less fun dating becomes and the more likely it is that they settle for whoever is available, take the path of least resistance and date another foreigner.
Negative Nancy
A long, long time ago, a friend and I almost got to that stage. An acquaintance of ours even joked that we should get together with each other, but we laughed it off. It's haunted me as a 'what-if' ever since. She left Japan and we didn't make much contact. Twenty years went by, and she came back for a visit. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I've always felt like part of the reason for the visit was testing the water to see if we might have become something if we had made different decisions. The spark was there, but we both have different partners and it will never happen. In our case, Japan and the lifestyle attached to it was not really a factor in our closeness, it was just there as a background. We found a mutual sense of humor and understanding and we grew close in what began as looking out for each other as we navigated the hurdles of living here.
Ah well.
zulander
What could have been :)
Its hard to tell, as the relationships that were cut short before fruition are always remembered more fondly..... sometimes its for the best..
Roger Gusain
Watch out for the crazy stalkers.
Robert Kusoda
I advise caution when dating foreigners as so many of them are running away from something and don't know what the problem is.
You can't escape your issues by moving to another country.
Robert Kusoda
Watch out for the crazy stalkers
Good advice -- I've had it with the bunny boilers. (They seem so normal at first.)
I advise caution when dating foreigners as so many of them are running away from something
They are running away from themselves. Japan is just an exotic backdrop.
falseflagsteve
Robert
What’s a bunny boiler?
DenTok2009
falseflagsteve, I immediately thought of Fatal Attraction. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil it for you.
CaptDingleheimer
20 years ago on JET, the general dynamic was gaijin guys were dating Japanese girls, and gaijin girls wanted to date gaijin guys but ended up dating nobody. Some seemed bitter about this. "They don't know what a real woman is" was a phrase I heard more than once. Is there a reason why so many gaijin girls don't want to date Japanese guys?
Tim Sullivan
I immediately thought of Fatal Attraction. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil it for you.
That brings back fond memories of one of my first dates in Japan. Went to see that movie with a lovely lady who was trapped in a failed marriage.