Earlier this month, we brought you an article about foreign men sounding off on the difficulties of having a Japanese wife. While some of their complaints were understandable and others were just downright silly (you can’t deal with tofu? C’mon!), international relationships in real life don’t always end as happily as in the movie "My Darling is a Foreigner."
Continuing the international marriage theme in a more unfortunate direction, we now bring you the voices of some foreign men who have gone through the experience of divorcing Japanese women. You might be surprised to learn that the main catalyst for divorce in each of their scenarios was rarely related directly to cultural differences. Instead, it seems that a combination of other factors played the decisive role.
While there is a certain allure to the thought of having a spouse from another country, such marriages also comes with their own hardships, and it is said that as many as 40% of international marriages end in divorce. Japanese blogger Madame Riri recently posted an article exploring this issue by sharing the stories of men who were asked to described the reasons they divorced their Japanese wives. Let’s take a look at some of those reasons.
First, practical issues concerning family and money played a large role in their decisions. One man mentions how he couldn’t afford to keep up with payments month after month. He tried to please his wife by buying a nice house, car, and going on overseas vacations. But such an extravagant lifestyle on top of paying off expensive school fees, child support from a previous marriage, and helping his wife’s parents financially proved to be too much:
“I think the reason for my divorce what that I mistakenly thought I could make everyone happy because I had a well-paying job. Ultimately, I couldn’t live up to those expectations.”
Another man was placed in a different terrible situation. According to him, although cultural misunderstandings were present in his marriage, they were not the root cause for divorce because he and his wife were both aware of and accepted the differences. Instead, it all boiled down to logistics:
“Because there was no one but me to take care of my aging parents, I would have had to leave Japan. Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia.”
In the end, the couple decided to split. The man remarks that he and his ex-wife still love each other, but cannot be together due to the circumstances. Our hearts go out to you…
Like any other couple in the world, issues surrounding children can either make or break a relationship. Here’s what one man had to say about his experience:
“In my case, the reason for our divorce was simple. My wife wanted to have kids, and I didn’t. I’m not saying that the divorce wasn’t painful, but we could split fairly amicably. I ended up remarrying a woman who like me also doesn’t want children but would rather focus her energy on work.”
The next anecdote is a bit different, as the writer happens to be a foreign woman in a relationship with a Japanese man. They had once dated in the past, but the relationship eventually became strained due to their different ways of thinking and separate values, especially regarding work. However, after a period of 12 years, they have started dating again, only to be met with opposition from both families:
“My family is very opposed to this relationship. They like him as a person, but they don’t believe that he can make me happy. His parents feel the same way. We really do love each other, but I guess in reality love alone isn’t enough. It’s sad…”
Many men listed issues of love, sex, and compatibility as being big factors in their divorces. Here’s from a man whose marriage appears to be in a critical condition:
“I’m currently on the verge of getting divorced. Things have spiraled down to the point where my wife and I are discussing whether or not she will take the children back with her to Japan. If we split, the reason will be due to the absence of sex in our marriage. My wife seems to have lost all of her sex drive, although I still have mine. Apart from that, everything in our marriage was going well…”
Next, a man describes how he and his Japanese wife were married at a young age, which led to a conflict of interests as they grew older:
“When all of her friends were getting married, I was her boyfriend. When all of those friends were getting divorced, I should have realized what was going to happen. Many people blame their failed international marriage on cultural differences, but in our case it was simply avoiding responsibility on both of our ends.”
In his words, he was so young when they got married that he didn’t yet know what he really wanted to do in life. When he finally figured it out, that route didn’t include his wife. From her end, she became unhappy married to a husband who had to work 70-hour weeks of manual labor to support their living. In her loneliness she resorted to cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend. Because they weren’t honest enough at the onset about their real desires, their marriage arrived at a dead-end.
Next, a number of men remarked that their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence played a central role in leading to divorce. Let’s hear from a few of these cases.
“The reason that my marriage of 20 years failed was because my wife would often make a mountain out of a molehill. Many problems that could have been solved in a few minutes were blown out of proportion. It wasn’t good for our mental health.”
Similarly:
“I’m glad we got divorced. We split during our tenth year of marriage. I am now raising our two children in Australia. My ex-wife’s violent side was terrible. I couldn’t stand her lies anymore, or her neglect to our sons. It was a very bitter experience, but after getting divorced I am now living a much better lifestyle.”
The following comes from a man who has been married for seven years but whose marriage is rocky to say the least. He claims that married life would be easier if they didn’t have two young children:
“I heard this from my professor friend who specializes in international cultural exchange, but Japanese men and women are skilled at adapting themselves to different roles depending on the place and situation. For example, they almost seem to undergo a transformation in character when they change from a student into a working adult, or from a wife into a mother. I don’t know if this is related to my case at all, but my wife used to be a calm and carefree woman. But after the birth of first child, she became almost like onibaba” [Onibaba refers to a "demon-hag" in Japanese folklore that appears as an old woman and eats humans].
Now consider this bizarre case. I think anyone would want to divorce a wife like this, regardless of her nationality…
“I first began to have doubts about the future of our marriage after just returning from our honeymoon when my wife farted right in front of me. Because she had irritable bowel syndrome, it was really smelly. Our marriage crumbled apart like flakes of paint falling from a wall. She would steal food from my plate and take anything she wanted. And she was really demanding in bed – if I couldn’t meet her demands, she would pinch my ears, hit me in the ribs, or kick me down there.”
She probably couldn’t help the flatulence, but the rest of it? Yikes.
We hate to leave you with a such a gloomy ending, so let’s finish up on a more positive note with a man who encourages us all to find a partner who is a “perfect fit”:
“I’m in my mid-60s, and my Japanese wife is in her late 40s. We’ve been married for 23 years. We’ve been through good times and bad times, but have overcome them all and never had to think about getting divorced. I have been divorced twice before, and concluded that I just can’t get along with Western women. But regardless of whether you’re of the same nationality or not, as long as you’re willing to accept any cultural differences and respect one another, you have a chance to be happy.”
As we have seen, despite preconceived notions relating to cultural differences, men who have actually divorced their Japanese wives have a lot more to say about the matter. Issues surrounding mutual feelings of love, faith and compatibility seem to be at the heart of most cases, regardless of the nationality of each person.
Source: Madame Riri
Read more stories from RocketNews24. -- Survey Reveals that 65.5% of Japanese Male Office Workers Have Considered Divorce -- Four things to think about before you and your Japanese sweetheart tie the knot -- Foreign men sound off on the difficulties of having a Japanese wife
© RocketNews24
172 Comments
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SimondB
Well, apart from one or two extreme examples I think you could say that any of the above could apply to any marriage: money, marrying to young, opposition from families etc.
If the divorce rate amongst mixed Japanese/other marriages is 40% then I'd say that is about in line with most developed countries and in some cases a lower rate of divorce.
CanadianJapan
After 12 years in Japan, I've heard that one more than enough. One not listed here that was the reason for a friend of mine is that his wife ran away with his daughter, not sure if they got divorced before or after she "stole" his daughter though.
I was told by so many people not to ever marry a Japanese woman, seeing most of my friends either divorced or in a zombie marriage, I can say the advice has served me well.
Tiffany Jean Shimbo
And a hushed silence came from those of us who have married Japanese men...I think a western woman marrying japanese is WAY more extreme then these men complaining about their zombie sex lives. How about dealing with company sponsored hostess outings and the like... ??? Or the fact the sex industry is literally in every corner??? THAT is marriage issues.
Btw I'm very happily married...it just took a while to lay down the ground rules.
kickboard
Not another one of these articles again.
philly1
How selfish to stand in the way of your children on some bogus pretext. Clearly it is the parents who--likely out of fear for their own comforts in old age--who will kibosh any chance the couple might have to enjoy a good life together after many years apart. No wonder the kids--even though they are adults--have learned that love counts for nothing. They can't even count on their parents' love and acceptance.
Generally, a spouse does not make you happy. Nor is your spouse responsible for your happiness. You have to be in a relationship already in a state of happiness and maintain your own happiness. That another human being is the source of your happiness is an illusion that is doomed.
But the speaker is correct, if the couple isn't prepared to stand up to family pressure, their love isn't enough. Better to learn that before they marry.
John Andresen
We have witnessed that Japanese spouses who accompany their husbands to the U.S., are reluctant or unwilling to assimilate or adjust to American society whether it be food, social contacts or other. They whine and complain that what they were accustomed to in Japan is not present here. They are a miserable lot who not uncommonly flee back to Japan with their children.
JoshuYaki
I don't think there is a 'Canadian' type or an 'American' type (Etc...etc..)
Just because japan seems so mono-cultural and every Japanese person seems to want to associate as a whole with the country, its difficult to read the feedback from these individuals and just be able to paint the whole country with the same color.
If sexless marriage, money focused wives, angry women was limited to one island on the pacific rim the rest of the world could enjoy life-long sex intensive marriages just by avoiding japan.
Graham DeShazo
Yeah the sexless marriage thing. What's up w that? Why would I (er, I mean "a person") magically stop wanting physical intimacy due to a change in marital status? I know we're not 20 anymore, but we're not dead either.
Sensato
This seems to be a major factor in many failed and failing marriages involving a Japanese wife — controlling and dysfunctional personalities, regular meltdowns, and daily verbal abuse against the children and husbands.
Now that Japan has finally signed the Hague convention, the Japanese press has been increasingly trumpeting concerns about concerns of domestic violence against Japanese spouses, but not a thing about domestic violence perpetrated by Japanese spouses (for instance: http://www.asahi.com/articles/DA3S10943777.html). It is good to see this article shed some light on the issue.
timtak
I hear that this may occur after childbirth, rather due to a change in marital status. I note that the Catholic church encourages its 1.2 billion followers to abstain when it is not for the purpose of childbirth, so while I am not sure how many follow that advice, it may not be such an unusual idea.
nath
How is that a problem? No sex goes on at the hostess bars. I used to go to the hostess bars quite often when I was a company man, and my wife (Japanese) didn't have a problem with it, because I was coming home every night. It's an obligation a lot of the time.
Women can pretty much go out and get sex on every corner themselves if they so want. It's not so hard for a woman to cheat if she gets it in her mind. Men deal with this, women should be able to deal with the existence of fuzoku (sex places). If your husband is actually going to them, that's a problem, but he cannot do anything about their existence.
fishy
that was exactly what I thought when I saw this article..
how about some people share good things about their marriages with Japanese? i'd like to hear some positive stories!
StormR
They whine and complain ........................ They are a miserable lot ......................
This seems to be a major factor in many failed and failing marriages involving a Japanese wife — controlling and dysfunctional personalities, regular meltdowns, and daily verbal abuse against the children and husbands.
Many of them are mentally unstable and lack the ability to have normal social and human interaction.
Mocheake
Almost all of these situations could be applied to marriages worldwide. On another note, you shoulld never let others decide what is ultimately a decision for you to make. If the relatives have a real reason for their disapproval, let them air it. Just saying "It won't work" or "They won't make you happy" is a garbage reason. It isn't anyone's job to make you happy in anything in life. It's your job and yours only. Glad I didn't enter into marriage with that stupid reasoning in my head.
choiwaruoyaji
Yes, it's true...
Many Japanese wives think it is fine to unilaterally shut down sex after having kids.
Not only sex, but they will also rebuff any attempts at affection such as hugging and kissing.
Try to talk to them about it and you'll be dismissed with comments such as "It's normal" or "We've had kids so we don't need to have sex any more"...
I think this "cold marriage syndrome" initiated by the wife is the number one reason for divorces between Japanese women and foreign guys.
I think it is very selfish and heartless of these women to threaten the stability of the marriage in this way.
Maybe Japanese guys can accept such a situation because it is so common in Japan but for foreign guys it's an awful way for things to end up...
Mirai Hayashi
This is silly, and could have been easily negotiated. How about asking the wife to live in Virgina until you either find better living arrangements for the parents, or until they pass on. Or, visit the parents frequently or have them visit frequently or both. You think that the parents will be happy knowing that they were responsible for your divorce?
And you didn't have this discussion BEFORE you got married? Another stupid reason.
Who cares what your fricken parents think! Your parents aren't marrying him, YOU are. If you feel he's right, tell both of your parents to drink a tall glass of STFU juice and live with it. If he truly makes you happy, then prove them wrong, and they will come around.
SenseNotSoCommon
If kids are involved, couples should have the maturity to sit down, realize that they've more in common than what's driving them apart, and focus on common interests and common goals.
If one spouse is over-spending, how much gratification is he/she getting from the shopping, drinking, pachinko, and how much post-transaction/binge remorse? What mutual pursuits can replace that dopamine rush (if there is one)? If that doesn't work, picture living in poverty when all the money's gone.
And if you really need to compete with your spouse, take up tennis or chess together. Who knows, it might lead to Twister and all sorts?
Peacetrain
"their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence"
See, this article must be fake. Japanese women always speak in high pitched voices, and are always so sweet and smiling and deferring.
"Japanese men and women are skilled at adapting themselves to different roles depending on the place and situation."
Now that is interesting. And quite true.
Slamdunk
Another interest topic for the day kids.
Time to write your thought and discussion.
Good times
hampton
Married to a Japanese girl for 12 years, no sex for 6 years. The last time we had sex she got pregnant with son number two. She doesn't view this as dysfunctional. As long as I go to work and give her plenty of money, the marriage is fine. Honestly, western men should be very careful because Japanese women are very good at changing their minds after a child has been born. The man no longer exists, and I mean not even 1%. Japanese women view a husband with kids as an ATM. He is supposed to pay for his family. The traditional Japanese cry of, "It is our culture" is there to defend the indefensible of course. Promises, vows etc. mean nothing. I would be divorced if I could be, but that would involve the complete loss of my two children thanks to the backward legal system and idiotic family courts also based on "culture".
sighclops
I separated from my fiancee for the following reasons (some covered above, some not):
She was extremely manipulative. Coming from a conservative household herself, she took it upon herself to control MY finances. I was given ¥600 allowance a day - and I work in Tokyo! I had no say in the matter, or... ... she would get violent. I'm talking punches, kicks, smashing my stuff, ripping clothes etc. Not fun when you're 10,000km away from family The non-existant intimacy. I can see the women collectively rolling their eyes, but it's crucial in any long term relationship She had no plans to return to work after having kids - The "shufu" aspiration is cancerous to Japanese society. I assumed being engaged and starting to live together would help work things out. In fact, it made them 10 times worse! Limiting my job / lifestyle (basically the rest of my life) by moving back to her hometown to be near her family. Because the 10,000km distance from my family was never a concern to her! Just overall ungratefulness and constantly feeling unappreciated and inadequateSeriously guys, if anyone is reading this and their partner fits even one of these points - GET OUT NOW!
On a different note, I'm intrigued by Tiffany Jean Shimbo's point about foreign women dealing with their Japanese men going to hostess / "those" clubs - I've spoken to countless 'salarymen' here and they speak about it like it's going to the pub with a mate. Yet, if I ask them how they'd feel if the roles were reversed, they wouldn't even let their wives have lunch with a male friend! Double standards, much?!
Himajin
You can bring your parents to Japan, and they can be added to your health insurance etc. I know a few people who have done it.
silvertongue
The flatulent and rib-smashing wife story made my day! Classic!
nath
For all those that say the parents should have no say in the matter - that's the western way of looking at it. The Asian way is quite different. In Asia they say you are not just marrying the person, you are marrying the family.
Neither of these ways of thinking is right or wrong, they just are. The problem(s) will come if/when either or both of you doesn't realize and respect that the other partner feels the way they do on this matter. Trying to impose one line of thought on the other party when they don't feel the same is just going to lead to frustration for both parties.
Not exactly, as it's not an equivalent comparison. Many wives are ok with their husbands going to the hostess bars, but would not be ok with their husbands meeting female friends for lunch. This is because hostess bars aren't 'real'. The women are paid to butter up the men. They are supposed to laugh at their stupid jokes and pretend they enjoy their boring work talk, whether they like it or not. It's all a facade, a show. Meeting someone for lunch however, that's real, and has a much higher potential to move on to something illicit.
cleo
So an international marriage in Japan has more chance of surviving than a same-nationality marriage in the UK, US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and many countries in Western Europe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography
StormR
Japanese wives can be extremely selfish and demanding and care nothing for the partners feelings.
Some are lazy and down right filthy who have no idea about house keeping even when they do not work, advice to anyone single here is to stay that way unless 100% sure the J potential wife has relationship skills and can interact in a normal human way with other human beings. As we know mental health here leaves a lot to be desired.
Many are very beautiful, femmine, elegant and lady like though.
ccameo
How is this related to the international relathionships?
fishy
interesting how they talk about divorcing JAPANESE women.. i bet that if the subject of this article was divorce from women, people would stlil come back with all sorts of terrible stories - after all, it's not so much about cultural differences but it's about two people and their families.
i am in an international marriage (i'm half Japanese/french, grew up in Japan. he's American/Japanese, grew up in the U.S), and we have cultural differences and all that.. but we talk and we try... and work things out.. after all, I want to be and do what makes him happy and I believe he wants to be and do what makes me happy.
nath
Foreign men and Japanese wives? How about the other way round? I guess there are not too many of those. What are the causes of that?
MaximumMan
this is a dumb topic....marriage in any society or between any two people regardless of being same or different race presents its challenges...you get good and bad....marriages fail all over the world....it has nothing to do with them being Japanese women and foreign men
The_True
Hey Guys, about this i read this a few months ago, let me posted here, but i think this right on the money:
ROOT problems with marrying Japanese women are:
Many will COPY what their MOTHER did.So if mom had or has a dysfunctional relationship with dad and is a stubborn no-sex parasite that treated dad as an ATM robot, than daughter can think that's how it's done.
And mom can impart more of this insane "wisdom" when the daughter is about to or when she gets married.
Be mindful of how her mom raised her and what she has told her.
Many Japanese women will take advice from girlfriends in bad relationships that don't know how to treat men properly.In these "girls only groups" the ring leader and alpha females can be man-hating monsters.
They will tell other women the worse advice possible and even push other women to do the most fracked up things possible to their husband and men.
You may have a heart attack knowing the type of stuff her girlfriends advise her to do. Have a talk with her and find out.
What many foreign men don't know, is that many Japanese can be constantly talking bad about you and against you.Whenever there is a relationship problem or she asks for advice, there can be some racist Japanese hater there saying the problem is that she married a foreigner. Like as if the Japanese were a separate species and alien race, and mixing with other humans on Earth isn't really possible.
Japanese women are constantly bombarded with this ultra nationalistic and racist propaganda. Books, magazines, TV, friends, etc...
It can wear her down over time and exploit her anytime after having an argument or she has the slightest doubt. Then, you are the foreign enemy.
Keep this mind, and talk with her about it to see where her mind is at.
Sex can be seen by her as a duty or burden, OR something she becomes TOO OLD to do.The thinking is messed up, but it can be reinforced by bad female advice. It's a negative thing embedded in the culture.
So after having a baby or turning only 30, she can be thinking she is DONE with her "sexual duty" or sex is only for young women. Now it's time to be MOMMY dearest. You, the man, are the robot ATM dad who caters to her every whim and cash withdrawal requests.
Many women are VERY SNEAKY and use SEX as a weapon of manipulation.If she WANTS SEX, she can easily find sex friends OUTSIDE the relationship.
She does NOT need the husband for sex. Therefore, she can use this position as power to MANIPULATE and CONTROL the begging for it husband.
DON'T BEG your wife for sex, it usually doesn't work. Even if she gives you some, you are now deeper in a TRAP and in her CONTROL.
For many Japanese women, there is NO negotiation.Either do what she wants, or get LOST. There are Japanese women that are outright cute little devils... Especially if you are a foreign man depending on a visa, want sex, or want to see your kids.
And for many Japanese women, the more you complain or whine about something or about being treated badly, the weaker she thinks you are.
Being a weak begging nice guy, does NOT work.As a man, your only real options are negotiating from a position of strength.
If she is not giving you sex, go without it or find a sex friend outside (as she might be sneakily doing).
Don't let her abuse and manipulate you, the more you do, the worse it usually going to get.
She either understands logic and how to be a TEAM PLAYER, or she doesn't. All the weak man begging and arguing will not make her understand.
John Constantine
Marriage is not always easy no matter what ones nationality is & coming from different cultures may make it harder. However I would think that it is those differences that leave you room to grow as a couple. As for myself I would be honored to have a Japanese wife.
ReformedBasher
@fishy
Most mixed couples I know get on great. And by that I mean super awesome :-)
@those with the loveless/sexless marriages
While I feel sorry for you, and also assume you're not at fault, please realize that some of us don't have this problem. All the best in sorting things out though.
fishy
Reformed Basher - glad to hear that :)
The_True -
again, this applies to women from other countries, too! and just like many people on this thread are taking advice from posters like you!
Is this a Japanese thing? I don't think so.. this happens when marriages are not going well, regardless of where you are from. And I hear men talking bad about their wives, too (and they are not always Japanese!)
again, is this a Japanese thing? I've heard the same from non Japanese guys who are married to women from their own countries.
danalawton1@yahoo.com
It may be true that a higher percentage of Kokusai marriages end in divorce but for every one that does another one goes well. My feeling is that Japantoday only publishes stuff like this so it can be translated into Japanese.... I'm sure the regular Japanese readers must get a kick out of us.
powderb
1) We really don't need any more of these articles.
2) As has been pointed out, almost all of these problems happen regardless of where the people are from. These are issues couples sometimes have, no matter where they are from.
Why focus on the differences?
timtak
I believe Simone De Beauvoir and believe the West is a patriarchy, where to be human is to be a man (or a toned down, gentle-man, but a man all the same). Humans are interested in "Love."
I think that Japan is a matriarchy were it is assumed everyone is a (toned down) woman. Humans are interested in being parents.
So all the things that are said above of Japanese women could be said of Western men. Taking one of the lists of gripes above, and replacing "Japanese women" with "Western men" and "SEX" with "HAVING CHILDREN" we get the following list regarding Western men:
Many will COPY what their FATHER did. Many western men will take advice from bloke friends in bad relationships that don't know how to treat women properly. What many Japanese women don't know, is that many Westerners can be constantly talking bad about you and against you. HAVING CHILDREN can be seen by him as a duty or burden, or something he becomes TOO OLD to do. Many men are VERY SNEAKY and use HAVING KIDS (or not) as a weapon of manipulation. For many Western men, there is NO negotiation. Being a weak begging nice woman, does NOT work.smithinjapan
What's with all these fluff pieces "Foreign men and Japanese wives/girlfriends/Japanese wives and foreign men" recently?
Fact is, some 70% or so of international marriages end in divorce, regardless of if it's a Japanese wife and a foreign husband or not. It's not so much about cultural differences as it is just about differences in general.
bigfujiyama
and Madame Riri is using your comments from Japantoday on her blog as reaction to these articles.
CH3CHO
It sounds like a "postpartum depression".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression
CGB Spender
Divorce is the refuge of the arrogant and selfish who haven't learned that for a successful marriage both partners need to be selfless to a certain degree. If you think that you really picked the wrong partner then you haven't waited long enough before getting married (and likely not waited long enough to make babies). Most men and women don't fit together perfectly and there are always differences. All it takes is tolerance, patience and understanding to overcome these difficulties. Unfortunately only few people have (or figure out) these virtues.
Zartan Woods
Since Japan Today commenters seem to hate Japan and Japanese so much, these kinds of articles get lots of attention -- like red meat thrown to dogs.
Roxana A.
I am married with a japanese man and it's not always easy as in any marriage I think, but we overcome with heart and mind. What is important is to have a solid basis in common such education, moral values, especially when children come. Of course that for the rest of the package we both had and have to give up or negociate. In my experience I can say I like my japanese husband because he is so responsible, correct, timely about family matters which It was hard to find with other guys in my country (I'm not saying there are not). About romance, well sometimes I have to remind him that I am not japanese and that I like and I need that and he gives his best, at least he tries and that is good. But come on, I also realized he is japanese and it will never become a latin lover, that would be extremely suspicious.
nath
I've never heard this number of 70% before. Highest I've ever read is 50%, and often the number is smaller than that. Care to elaborate on where you read/heard this?
nath
I actually want to see more of these articles, they always have the best comment sections, along with anything to do with whaling. Moar!
sighclops
Urgh the number of armchair critics on here crying "Oh it's not a Japanese thing - all marriages have their difficulties!"
NO NO NO.
Don't you even dare. You're selfishly derailing the thread! There is simply no question that there are certain cultural aspects involved here. These are engrained int he person from a young age. Take, for example, the wife controlling the finances. I have never heard of this system outside of Japan.
There are many more examples I could give (10+ years experience), but let's not got there. Just stop creating some baseless argument in an area you have ZERO experience in - spare a thought for the victims here!
fishy
Well, you might call it "controlling" but a lot of Japanese husbands (I'm not going to say ALL but many do) actually appreciate the fact that the wives take care of financial matters within the budget. Before you criticize those women, I'd actually talk and explain what's good and not good about wives being the "budget person" with your wife. If women do not hold a family wallet in your own country, it might actually be a surprise to those Japanese women, just like you are surprised that women hold a family wallet in Japan. While I was growing up, my mother was holding a family wallet and my father got "allowance" and I've never seen him complain about it. When I married my husband, he told me how it's done in his country (US) and so we talked about it. We both work, so we basically have 2 wallets/bank accounts... decided who pays for what, and that's all we had to do. No complaining, no issues.
Spanki
I guess i'm pretty lucky then because my Japanese wife is a fun loving, house cleaning, great cooking sex pot and a really good mother! wuhoooo!
lucabrasi
@Spanki
I wonder... have you ever been tempted by that proud old suburbian tradition of "wife-swapping"?
Nothing kinky, I'm talking permanent ; )
pointofview
Keep an out for how your wifes mother is, Thatll give you an idea. It`s basically a monkey see monkey do society.
Unfortunately, Japanese woman pretty much always throw their man to the side if there are kids. Then its 100% to the kids. Japanese guys dont care about this because they dont have to be home as much. Foreign guys are more hands on. Japanese guys just go hang out with coworkers and visit the countless sex venues around town if the wives dont bother with them. Foreign guys push harder for more intimacy. In the end, ignore your partner enough and you`ll be single again. Husbands came before the kids so the Japanese women dropping the guys to the back of the line have their priorities mixed up. Basically, Japanese guys can tolerate more nonsense and hense the lower divorce rate between Japanese..
nath
Finances and all that aside, how are views changing (or not) with regards to the man's actual role as the father figure in Japan? Is it still 100% you've just gotta be the mysterious figure who provides a roof and bread, or is it more acceptable these days to actually play the role of a father in every sense of the word, such as helping shape the kids' values, handing down family traditions and manly wisdom, acting as a role model and mentor, etc.? Would women here appreciate that or view it with contempt and tell the husband to shove off and leave it all to her?
fishy
slenderman-
Yes, most definitely. The actual role of the Japanese fathers has been changing dramatically, I see Japanese fathers dropping off & picking up their children at daycare all the time and they interact with other fathers/mothers. When my husband and I take our kids to stores, park, or wherever, we always see fathers pushing strollers or holding small babies, I sometimes see fathers and kids at a park in the morning on weekends, I'm assuming that they are letting mothers take care of the house work or maybe so she can sleep late on weekends when fathers are home.
I am not talking about EVERY Japanese father, of course I cannot say every father is involved, but it is not a rare scene that J-fathers and children hanging out spending time together. You go to park, stores, school events.. and you will see what I am talking about.
nath
I think the whole 'uninvolved J-father' is a myth. It's just that they've been busy. But many/most fathers will do stuff with their kids on their days off, and that's the major priority in their life. Because they work long hours, they don't get to spend as much time with their kids as many western fathers to, but that's not a choice, it's just happenstance. I would bet that the numbers of uninterested fathers are probably similar between the west and Japan.
Depending on which numbers you are looking at, the divorce rate between Japanese is the same or higher than international couples.
doedel
@Spanki-san: ^5 man! More than 20 years together through the downs and ups of life. This German-Japanese combi seems rock solid and never faced any of the issues mentioned as problematic in the article.
mffdvr
I must be the odd one out....I told her that I was financially set for life and would never have to do any work ever in my home country. So if she wanted to live in my home country and have the same, that would be fine. She said she wanted to live in Japan, and I said fine but I would have get a job and work like every other man. Then I told her that I didn't want any children in Japan and if we have them, they'll be born in my home country. She says fine. So we get married and have the usual ups and downs without children. We argue like anybody else usually over money and when our finances got into dire straits she went and got a job. Recently my work situation has increased and I told her she could quit anytime, she just says that she enjoys her work and the new friends she has made. We've been married for 30 years. All is well.
choiwaruoyaji
Some posters seem to be implying that the reasons for collapsed Japanese marriages are common to other countries too.
Nevertheless, I think we can observe some Japan-specific traits.
Specifically the one about Japanese wives deciding to shut down sex after having kids.
That seems to be almost the norm in many Japanese marriages.
I think it's great that we have the internet now and can share the information that marrying a Japanese woman can turn out to be a horrible experience.
That cute Japanese girlfriend you think is so sweet can turn into a nasty selfish stubborn hag once kids are on the scene...
And, as The_True correctly points out above, in many cases it will be her girlfriends who are "advising" her to be like that.
frank07
40 percent divorce rate? Still better than 50 percent in the U.S.
Fukuppy
Seriously? I'd pay for stuff like this! Lucky guy gets it for free and then complains about it.
Thunderbird2
Sounds like you want a Stepford Wife.
Slamdunk
Word. That's why JT push hard on these kind of topics so that the JT commenters can relief their stress ONLINE.
Good stuff. Drive up the internet traffic for JT website. WIN -WIN situation. oh yah baby $$$...Smart -> Making real dough for the website.
bass4funk
Married to a Japanese girl for 12 years, no sex for 6 years. The last time we had sex she got pregnant with son number two. She doesn't view this as dysfunctional. As long as I go to work and give her plenty of money, the marriage is fine. Honestly, western men should be very careful because Japanese women are very good at changing their minds after a child has been born. The man no longer exists, and I mean not even 1%. Japanese women view a husband with kids as an ATM. He is supposed to pay for his family. The traditional Japanese cry of, "It is our culture" is there to defend the indefensible of course. Promises, vows etc. mean nothing. I would be divorced if I could be, but that would involve the complete loss of my two children thanks to the backward legal system and idiotic family courts also based on "culture".
True, very true. But another problem that I have seen after living in Japan for over 14 years, many of these so called dysfunctional women that shun their husbands, quite often pick up the slack somewhere else and this is something people don't often talk about. But when I came to Japan back in 1999, I was young and inquisitive like many young normal single men and many of the women I was with were married. That means, if there are women out there, that perhaps abstain from having sex, you never, ever truly know. Now older, wiser and married, marriage to a Japanese will keep you busy. Have to work out a lot of issues. Differences do arise, but I'm NOT going to say so much that it's about Nationality more than it is about social upbringing and let's face it, a lot of women in Japan have it made living at home, before they get married,they have the best life living with their parents. They usually don't have to cook, clean, give up any money, ever worrying about NOT having a roof over their heads, the way, I was raised, we HAD to help out with the chores, cleaning, cooking, plus homework, all of it. My house we couldn't sleep in late. We all had responsibilities, but most of these women don't and then once they leave the house and get into a marriage, they expect the same kind of treatment from their husband, a sort of continuation from their previous life and like some people already said, make a deal about sex and after the kids are born and they got that one precious thing they really wanted to complete their life is a child. For many, after that, the man has fulfilled his job. I don't know what happens to some of these women afterwards, if they really don't like sex and the bonding or they are just not interested in the man they married. I'm not saying I'm an expert on the issue, but I have seen more than enough married women seeking an affair, many don't want to get divorced ( for obvious reasons ) but do want a little action on the side, which always perplexed me, and there are some that will live with their husbands, have open relationships, but NOT leave or file for a divorce. I think for a lot of women and especially Japanese men, it's a status thing, to go around and tell everyone you will have a $30,000 wedding and a couple of kids, meets the basic criteria of what a Japanese family should appear to look like in public, it's socially accepted. It's the norm. Add to that a great paying job, Mom's can hang out together with the kids or go out talking, shopping etc, on the outside at least, perfect life. I'm not trying to label all Japanese women, but there sure are a whole lot of them that think this way.
Magnet
How sad and shallow the commitment of marriage has become...
tmtmsnb
"choiwaruoyajiJAN. 29, 2014 - 09:44AM JST Yes, it's true... Many Japanese wives think it is fine to unilaterally shut down sex after having kids. Not only sex, but they will also rebuff any attempts at affection such as hugging and kissing. Try to talk to them about it and you'll be dismissed with comments such as "It's normal" or "We've had kids so we don't need to have sex any more"... I think this "cold marriage syndrome" initiated by the wife is the number one reason for divorces between Japanese women and foreign guys."
Generally speaking, Western world is built base on Love between Man and Woman--Ren-Ai, while Japanese, nay, the Asians, are not. Westerner’s chiseled features, the body shape, the voice, colors of eyes and hairs, the sweet talk, the thought, all results of millions of years of natural (sexual) selections through the process of that “Love”, while in Asia (originated from China), those are the results of thousands of years of “Authoritative Selection”---by the parents, the society, the authority. In most Western world Love precede other things, while in many Asian regions Ren-Ai was, or still is, a capital offence. In that light, Sex plays a major role in enhancing and maintaining Love between Western couples, while to an Asian wife, it’s not only unnecessary after child-birth, but even harmful, as her (supposedly) socially superior husband needs to spread his excellent genes far and wide (like the great Walrus), that clinging to her old sexual habit could destroy such system, which her body clock does not allow.
If you are married to a Japanese wife, congratulations, her country’s “system of “Jiyuu Ren-Ai”---freedom to fall in love and to date, and marry, has been going on since after the war, meaning, she is constantly moving closer to you.
genjuro
I feel for the men who suffer the loss of intimacy and are given the cold shoulder by the J-wife after marriage and the birth of children. When I first heard of this awhile back I thought they were just isolated cases but it appears it happens often.
I'm wondering if many of the foreign men had a proper talk and discussed this issue before they tied the knot, i.e. what their expectations are going into marriage, the marital duties even after the kids are born, etc. so there would be no surprises later. Communication is the key to any relationship, and openly relaying your expectations and desires to the other before marriage is just a practical thing to do. I recall some of the posters here who are happy in their marriages did just this.
nath
i heard about that. they completely shut down and refrain from having any sex after having a child. in a way, i can see why, as the true purpose of having sex IS to have children dosed with a bit of other stuff... BUT, every now and then…i personally don't see the harm in it... don't know. haven't been married. was close to it, living with my fiancee. i couldn't imagine NOT having any affectionate holding and kissing... which is why i sometimes think its maybe a blessing me j-people don't really click and why the women seem to hate me.
I also heard a lot of the women let their husbands go out and fool around. they are totally ok with them having a mistress and fooling around on the side. i personally think that is sick and selfish, but hey, thats just me and my beliefs.
FightingViking
It is not always as "clear cut" as some people seem to think... As the ex-(foreign)-wife of a highly educated Japanese man, I can vouch that it is not always the wife who loses interest in sex after having children... In this case, the husband preferred to beat, punch and kick his wife instead... We were both working - and I continued working even after giving birth - and would have done so anyway, not only because he gave that as a prerequisite "condition" for getting married but because I've always been interested in continuing to work outside the house (and at the beginning of his career, we needed the extra cash anyway). When he started slapping the kids around, I managed to escape with the younger son but the elder one was "hidden away", which explains why I'm still here...
I could never have imagined such a change in the seemingly refined, considerate young man I met when we were both students in France...
lucabrasi
@Viking
That's awful. Hope you find a way through. For what it's worth, all my sympathy... .
sighclops
@cracaphat (love the name btw)
If only it were that simple! Have you never experienced the wraith of a manipulative woman? There is just no reasoning with them whatsoever.
"Ok then - well just up & leave then!" is the answer you're probably thinking of next, right? Well, when you've been with someone for a number of years and have made countless sacrifices, it all gets a bit messy. Then you throw the extended family into the mix and you only get deeper into a never-ending hole. The control-freak knows this and will play on this whenever they feel the need.
It took me years, but I got out in the end!
Fukuyo
What I heard from a girl (USA)who taught English in Japan was that these foreign men who hook up with the Japanese girls are secretly called (among the foreign girls in Japan)"LBHs". They are "Losers Back Home", but they can get a girl just because they are native English speakers. (This is what I heard, not my opinion, off course.) My analysis: maybe these guys ARE losers back home an in any country. Do these guys think these problems occur because the wives are Japanese? Really? Sexless? Maybe these guys are really BAD in bed, maybe from not getting any at all back home. Try to PLEASE your wife by taking expensive vacations while you have to pay child support for your previous failed marriage(s)? It is your problem, not the Japanese wives'. Where is your normal husband and wife communication? Where is your "normal" family building plan? These are regular human relationship problems, not because the wives are Japanese. "I don't want to have kids. If you do, or if you think you will change your mind, then we should not get married." I am sure your Japanese girl friend will understand (emotional aspect set aside).
GyGene
Hey, don't fart on me.
nath
Sure thing. She's nice enough to give me sen yen everyday so I can buy some coffee and an onigiri and get bus home if it's too cold.
bass4funk
Yeah, I remember those days as well, but now I get 3000yen at least got bumped up. I can go now to Starbucks and have enough to get those Hot Chicken nuggets at Lawson as for transportation, I go on foot, but I pay the car bill!
@yah00netstar
Come on, dude.....I mean, really....
optikool
After readying many of these posts, a lot of memories came flooding back with my ex fiancé that I new for 6 years before deciding if I should marry her. Pretty much all I read here I saw the potential in her. Not willing to be married until I bought a house is cash, wanting a 20K wedding, saying if I ever lost my job, she would take the kids and go back to Japan, wanting to start a business here in the states while she was still in Japan, asking for my help to manage it here but not wanting to be partners, telling me when we got older we would have separate sleeping areas. Eventually it got to the point where I had to ask myself, what kind of future will I have with a woman I totally adored knowing this could be the outcome. I mean, I thought she was kidding when she would tell me this but over time I came to realize this may be the case. My advice, listen to both what she says when you two are separated in other countries as well as when you are together, and ask her to elaborate on thoughts you find not the norm. This will help to give you an idea of what to expect. I decided not to marry her and married a Filipina instead...
kaimycahl
Wow To wrap this up in a "NUTSHELL" the J-Girl is all about unfinished love!! It's easy to get into but hard as hell to get out. I read where some posters said you knew what you were getting into. I don't have the problems but think about it some of the posters said these J-Girls are very smart they say what you want to get what they want and then after you are trapped under their spell you can't say no, you are on the hook with kids and bills, but no thrills. People change over time so how could you negotiate LOVE? I mean just talk about it and plan it that's not going to work these stories prove that!.
Himajin
I find this really catty. I've been hearing it for years. Surely foreign women in Japan would be insulted to be referred to as being here because they couldn't make it at home. While they may exist, they are certainly not the majority of foreign men in Japan.
muchas55
Most of the cases above are not cultural difference issues but personality issues. I'm sure the wives side have a lot to say.
nath
It's not because they are English speakers, it's because they are foreign. The Italians, French and other non-English speaking foreigners also do well here. Foreign men are liked by women anywhere in the world. It's an evolutionary response by women to potentially being able to introduce new genetic lines into the local population, thereby strengthening it.
As to the 'LBH' designation however, it's only somewhat based in reality. There are a number of guys here for whom this designation is apt. But there are many guys, more even, who were normal back home and are normal here is well. The type of girl who makes this designation (and it's not all of them by any means) are usually the ones who are frustrated because they are used to having the upper hand back home, and they come to Japan and suddenly face a severe draught in terms of attention from men. Most of the foreign guys are into Japanese girls, who generally (though not always) treat their men they way western men are used to treating their women back home. And most Japanese guys don't have the confidence to approach western women, and the women don't know phow to approach the men, never having had to. Between these factors, many foreign women get bitter, and explain it off by claiming all the foreign men were 'losers back home', trying to make themselves feel better about their situation.
What this often does is drive the foreign men even further away. Suddenly they see their Japanese girlfriend as a princess, and overlook issues she may have, in comparing those issues with what they see in the foreign women around them. Then they marry these women, overlooking the issues, and the result? The divorces you are reading about in this article.
FightingViking
@ lucabrasi
Thank you for your kind words. It is not always easy to "relive" the past but this article just got to me... It is over now, my "ex" died a few years ago but I still don't know what has happened to our elder son. To tell the truth, I'm a little afraid to try to find him - the last time I saw him, he punched me in the mouth...
nath
Wow, that's a rough story altogether. Sorry to hear it. Don't count your kid out yet though (which obviously you haven't). As kids get older and more mature they also start to be able to see the world more objectively.
nath
Some of us are actually here by circumstance and don't really care about living in Japan long-term or building a serious life/career here, but if you are interested in dating and not being a hermit, even you don't like Japanese women (and I know those who don't) you will have little choice obviously. Especially since the majority of foreign women in Japan, and indeed probably the ones using terms like LBH, are themselves losers who come here just because they like Arashi and cosplay and One Piece.
Jaeae An
There are obviously a lot to be said about this article. And it certainly should be alarming for anyone considering international marriages. I think calling someone angry or mentally unstable is not right though. I think anger is an indication that the wife is obviously unfulfilled and disappointed at somethings. Instead of taking the blames on themselves and question their behaviors people like to blame the partner and point the fingers. And woman being demanding in bed is a problem? I thought its mans obligation to fulfill his partner in bes at whatever the cost. Why would a woman stay with a partner who cant fulfill her mentally and physically? A lot of men seem to be confused with the fact that east asian women at least more than 50percent could live without sex. Even though they may need physical intimacy.
pointofview
Nobody knows the circumstances of an individuals life in their home country. LBH? Just silliness. What do Japanese know about this? They are so out of touch with other worlds it`s not even funny.
Getting divorced is a part of life. There is lots of life to live so dont waste it being unhappy and stressed. You can only try so much. Japanese women not supporting their foreign husbands and trying to rule their lives are nothing but trouble. They are some of the coldest people Ive met.
lesenfant
Was dating a Japanese girl here for over four years, we were living together and it amazed me how quickly our relationship turned into a scarily close representation of the "typical sexless, affection-less Japanese marriage" after we started living together. In the end our physical needs brought it down... A sad thing but we are still great friends though. After living in a different country she seems more affectionate and sexual now... The next gf will get a hard talk about physical needs before getting serious...
genjuro
@FightingViking I'm sorry to hear about your situation before. I can't imagine how hellacious your experience was. I hope things are much better now. As for your eldest son, I'm glad you haven't given up on him. It may take time, but I'm sure eventually he'll come around. Wish you the best.
Neo_Rio
My experience has been that by having many different girlfriends in Japan, I actually started to feel bad about the idea of getting married in case I upset one of the girls.
And besides... why feel the need to flip any of them off unnecessarily? I just don't get it.
FightingViking
@genjuro
Thank you too for your kind words - I could have used a little more of that while I was still married but, on the contrary, I had a German "friend", married to a man from Taiwan, who used to hug him in front of me and say things like : "You'd never do anything like that to me now would you darling... ?!" (I'm sure you'll understand that stories like this are NOT "made up"...)
anonymouscaveman
The only issue that frequently comes up that I'm okay with is the "stay at home wife" concept. My S/O is aiming for that and I don't mind because I don't necessarily like the idea of someone else raising our kids. My only concern is making enough money for us all and that my wife maintains her drive. I would be happy if she worked as well when we had kids but for me one of us raising our kids trumps both of us working.
Tessa
This is an issue that comes up repeatedly, and I confess to being puzzled. At what age is it going to be acceptable for your children to be exposed to non-related grown-ups and their nasty cooties? Three? Six? Sixteen? If you are planning to raise a family in Japan, with a Japanese partner, then I can't think of a better place to outsource the raising of your young ones than this country. Let's face it, most of the nursery school workers are Japanese women who have been through exactly the same education system / indoctrination as your Japanese partner. They speak the same language (and no other), they eat the same foods, they share the same religion (or lack thereof), and it's highly unlikely that your child is going to pick up any strange antisocial beliefs or habits from spending a few hours a day in a Japanese daycare center ... and if they do, then you obviously haven't done your homework, and have only yourself to blame.
cleo
It isn't about exposing kiddies to 'nasty cooties' or fear of them picking up 'strange antisocial beliefs or habits'. Regardless of the country, some folk do not see the point in going through all the bother and discomfort of pregnancy and childbirth only to then pay someone else to do all the fun stuff.
Leaving aside the fact that it's not always the Japanese partner who stays at home and not all Japanese who opt to marry non-Japanese 'have been through exactly the same education system / indoctrination', your attitude is supercilious, dismissive and insulting to both parents and nursery school staff. How do you know what language(s) people speak in their own home? Isn't it more than likely that in an international household especially, more than one language is in use? Why would the parents want to deliberately limit their child's exposure to the secondary language, which needs more, not less, input, by placing him in a monolingual environment? Why wouldn't parents want to pass on their own mixed food culture, their own beliefs and morality, their own world view?
Tessa
Mods: we are about to go waaaay off topic. I would appreciate if you opened a space for us to discuss parenting issues. I think it will be a great thread and will get a lot of input from people in so-called "mixed marriages" who are or have parented in Japan. Thanks in advance for your understanding and patience.
nath
I'm not worried about the teachers at the kindergarten giving children anti-social behavior, on the contrary they are for the most part pretty good (though I do know of at least one teacher who bullies some of the children). But I don't spend time with them talking with the teachers at length about the values I want to instill in my child, and for that matter, expecting them to give my child special treatment to instill these values would require them giving everyone that opportunity, which is definitely going to lead to conflicts between differeing parent's views. My wife and I on the other hand have spent lots of time discussing the values we want to instill in our child
The kindergarten is giving overall values to a wide-range of children, and in some situations we want to elaborate on that. For example, one of the kids in my older child's class doesn't know how to deal with stress, and often hits other kids, including our son. My son doesn't want to be a tattle-tale, so the teacher doesn't even know it's an issue with him. My wife and I have discussed with our son reasons why the boy is the way he is, and ways that our son can deal with the situation. These are not things that are taught in the kindergarten, and if our child was at a nursery all day, we likely wouldn't be talking about it with him either.
So it's not an issue of 'nurseries are bad for children', it's an issue of 'we want more input into our child's life, rather than having the teachers at the nursery responsible for most of it'.
iLikeTurtles
Nope, that's not even a little bit suprising. My wife (Japanese) and myself (British) knew about the cultural differences before we got married, and they are, frankly, a minor consideration. As long as you are generally open-minded (which you are likely to be if your partner is foreign) you’re fine. I actually find the cultural differences help keep things interesting. Her family welcomed me with open arms, and I get treated like a celebrity whenever we visit them in Japan.
The biggest issues would always be money, children, intimacy etc – in ANY marriage.
kurisupisu
To find the reasons for divorce look to the crappy economy;that is what drives my friends to divorce-lack of money!
fishy
dear Japan Today - I'd like to see what kind of things people say if the topic is about happy marriage/relationship with J-women.. just curious. It's sad to see all these negative comments, while I understand that international/intercultural marriages can be challenging, I believe there are positive stories as well..and I'd like to see what people have to say about their marriage/relationship with J-women.
nath
I'm hoping that is upcoming in this series they seem to be writing. I'd imagine that now that they have done divorced foreign males, next will be divorced foreign females. Then I'm hoping for happy foreign males followed by happy foreign females. I'm not holding my breath though.
Rohet Pokrel Nepali
Complaining is our basic instincts. It is not Japanese girl who got problem, its we Gaijin who are hypocrite. Every country has different culture and if we are not ready to accommodate the same, we should not be married to girl of that country in first place. Working women may be norm in western nation but not in most of the Asian nation. So, providing money to run the house is responsibility of husband, how can one say she is treating him as ATM. It is so naive and immoral reaction.
I have been living with Japanese wife from last 5 years and have seen ups and downs of life but we come to compromise and that is what life is all about. Problem do arise in relation but we should be able to solve as being a superior beings of this planet. Coming to social webpage and voicing negative comments about own wife makes us no different to animal. Time for soul searching.
AmericanSurfer
Never marry a Japanese woman unless you take your children to your country. In Japan after divorce the women can steal your children and if your a foreigner you have no rights. japan is a black hole for child abduction. When they sign the Hague convention in April 2014, don't expect any changes.
If you marry, do it in your country and get your kids passports in your respective country. Japan steals children and the lawyers, courts, politicians enjoy the flow of money knowing you are up against a brick wall. Tim Johnston Japan
nath
And how many happy marriages would never have happened if everyone followed this advice?
thuganomics79
Love conquers all? Never has, never will. What's the best advice anyone's ever given me? Never even think about marrying. It's certainly served me well so far. Fact- a wife has her husband by the b* irrespective of nationality. And in Japan she pretty much dictates every decision you make from how much you spend to how to take a p Stay single. Enjoy life. That's all I have to say.
nath
There are so many insightful things on here about cultural experiences living here. The good points of the internet, eh?
I don't know, people always want to say cultural differences are too difficult to work out. International/interracial marriages are compacted. I personally think they are wonderful. But some have hoary stories. When I was with my ex, things seemed so perfect. I don't know what happened. Its like she just changed into a completely different person. But then again, Maybe she was never the person who she portrayed to be in the first place. In the end, she mentioned how our thinking and culture was different, and that it would never work out, and how it would be better if she be with a japanese man, as her mother thought it would be best. But waaaaay Before she did what she did, i was the one who suggested we break it off. But at that time, she was the one who wanted to keep it going saying how we shouldn't give up so easily. So i thought i had a fighter….? But as some people told me, maybe she just didn't want to be the one who got dumped, whatever that meant to her.
There is obviously a word in japanese that most of you heard of -- ZUU-RU-II. Its like, cheap or kinda selfish. I personally find these people to be exactly this. Between all of the child abductions and aborting foreign mens children last minute, the salary men fooling around with other women being married, concealing their intentions with the Sha - ko -ji -rei…They just come off to me as being selfish, dishonest, deceiving people who just work hard and are perfectionist in competing…Thats it! But life and humanity is so much more than this. I think relationships require mutual trust, communication, and honesty. Most importantly love.. Putting your cards out on the table and doing what you can for that person, not only taking something. But i don't feel they want to do that. Culturally, they are just not that kind of people. Of course there seems to be some success stories here. I guess it requires a certain type of gaijin or something. They seem to like their gaijin 'nihonjin tekki'. Whether it be fashion style or whatever. I would like to think not everyone is the same, and people are NOT robots, you know? like everyone has a sense of individualism. We have feelings of our own. But these days, I feel like you meet one of them, you pretty much know most of them! The salary men here make such good money and have such comfortable lives. They have everything! Their little worlds are all laid out for them. All they have to do is just follow the process and do a bit of overtime at the office, go drinking with the colleagues, poor sake, go to the kyabakura, and they have everything! Not jealous. Just comparing to other people in other countries who don't have anything. They just seem selfish. They have their mistress while their wives are perfectly ok with them fooling around. Their population is on the decline, But yet they don't want to mix with certain type of foreigner. I personally feel I can testify to the world with conviction that most of the worlds darkest devils reside here.
If you look at things from a psychological perspective, You can also see why marriages are really damaged from their side culturally, and how marriages don't work for some foreigners. Most of the girls at H.S. here are reading these manga where in the manga these h.S. boys are being molested and fondled by other boys in their h.S., and these girls really seem to be into these. Have any of you ever heard of these manga? They are mostly popular among H.S. girls.. I don't really know the title. But there seems to be this twisted, pedophilia/homosexual twist that a lot of them seem to like, starting from kids sticking their fingers into one anthers butt and doing all kinds of crazy stuff... Thats why a lot of these boy bands and models you see on the trains look like women. I also heard lot of these women who are married actually have husbands who are gay, fooling with another man, and are totally ok with it because of this... it all seems wrapped up into one ball. For as long as I have been here, I have seen everything under the sun. I should seriously look into writing a book. But all these pollutants will cause many problems in a society and people. Overall, they are putting toxic into these children's heads so they will not be with a foreigner. And/or, they just like some craziness. LIke I said, you can have it. But I just don't want this crap seeping into my country and toxicating my people.
fishy
If you marry, do it in your country and get your kids passports in your respective country. Japan steals children and the lawyers, courts, politicians enjoy the flow of money knowing you are up against a brick wall. Tim Johnston Japan
I understand you've been through real tough times but to say Never marry a Japanese woman is not making sense. I'm in an international/intercultural marriage and all our kids have 2 passports. I do understand that there are many people who married Japanese and things didn't work out, but please know that there are many people (and I am one of them) who are not in your situation.
I don't have any solutions but to put all Japanese people or Japanese women in one category, to me, is nonsense.
frenchosa
The person who let this girl go back to her mother should get eight years. The mother should never see the light of day.
Peacetrain
I think he's similar to Trump saying never get married without a prenuptial.
Neo_Rio
what I was trying to say (before being rudely bumped by the moderator for being too blunt), was that IN GENERAL, MY experiences taught me that western notions of love and romance and happy "together forever" are somewhat alien concepts to Japan. Love and sex is something of a primal urge, and seems to be understood in clinical terms by the Japanese. It's not too unlike some other primal urges, some of which are dirty and messy, that you may not really want to do, but are instinctually driven to.
I think Japanese look at western notions of romance as some kind of weird anomaly... and where it works for foreigners probably has a big part to do with how much the Japanese woman truly understands and buys into the whole thing.
ka_chan
Wow, makes me loose some respect for Japanese women. Can't believe the couple that's divorcing because he has to take care of his parents in Virginia. Traditionally, that is one of the duties of a Japanese wife, to take care of her husbands family. It used to be a dishonor to the wife family if she gets divorced. Also the kids are part of the husband family and rarely goes to the wife. Well, gets tradition means nothing in Japan regardless of what Abe says or Taiji.
nath
You're mostly correct. Traditionally marriages in Asia had nothing to do with love. They were a partnering of two families with the intention of having children, and raising the overall level of life for those families, as well as their descendants. Love-based marriages were almost unknown.
Nowadays things are changing. They have moved further in the direction of western marriages, in that most marriages these days are love-based, but they have not abandoned the old ways at all. There are still very strong traditional influences in Japanese marriages, including a dowry, paid by the husbands family, which is supposed to be used by the wife's family to provide a new home and furnish it, as well as the terminology that the wife 'goes to the husband's household'. The families are still both heavily involved in the wedding, as well as the marriage after it.
Fortunately they have moved beyond the point where women are required to stay in unhappy and sometimes dangerous marriages. There has been progress.
Unfortunately this has gone in the other direction, where they almost always go to the wife, rather than the more appropriate parent.
Psyops
Best thing I ever did was chunk my ex-jp wife, traded her in for a young korean gf and 2 jp lovers. Also even though child support and alimony are paid by me, I have seen an increase in my funds. life is good now and marriage is a forbidden word :D
wtfjapan
yes a wife with no sex drive is sad, but as you get older you naturally dont do it as much as when you where young. but it can still be just as fun when you do. little tip for the men, make sure you wife has as much pleasure or more than you do when you make love. my wife has never complained about this part of our relationship, except maybe the lack of sleep.
Serrano
“Because there was no one but me to take care of my aging parents, I would have had to leave Japan. Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia.”
In the end, the couple decided to split. The man remarks that he and his ex-wife still love each other, but cannot be together due to the circumstances.
This is sad.
FizzBit
billyhelpher
down thumbs???? unbelievable
Nice post, can't agree with some though. Some/maybe most, get married too young. Back in the caveman days, marriage was the winner like a scene from Fight Club.
Lets look at it another way. Maybe the genetic imprint from our thousands of years of fighting mother nature, the women are genetically conditioned to reject the corporatized culture (read: small condos/aprtments), and in Japan, it's an ART FORM! From this perspective, it makes perfect sense their reaction.
oginome
My heart bleeds for the over-privileged and no doubt in many cases overweight white men who go into shock when they discover the Japanese women they marry aren't the compliant, obedient, giggly geisha they thought they were getting. You failed in your home countries so you thought you could come to Japan and get a wife who would shut up and let you take control? Oops.
YongYang
It is not because one person is 'this nationality' or the other 'that' but because of who they are anyway. I met my now wife of ten years when I was 26, we both know who we are and what we need to be, we didn't marry until I was 35 --we dated on and off and round and about-- and now I NEVER go to sleep, no matter what's happened during the day, either at work or between us without... that's right. It IS hard work, you DO have let go the ego sometimes but make your woman happy and you'll be amazed the roads that open up. For me? Marrying my Japanese girl from Aichi has been The Best thing ever. Our children are loved, live is fun now and then and I still all my hair. It is NOT the nationality BUT the people.
wasabizuki
Women lose their sex drive, men retain it forever(seemingly). There is nothing foreign or Japanese about it. Some foreigners might have the wrong pretext of what a Japanese woman is, based on what they think of them through anime and x rated films. Japanese women aren't their foreign husband's sexslaves. Just like any decent man, you need to romance your way into bed. A good start is a foot massage with oil. remember, sex is never free!
oginome
Too many American and European men in Japan are entitled and self-pitying. They should take this advice on board.
FightingViking
@Mennonite Maiden
I am very touched by your post. I see I have a "sister-in-sorrow" for the children taken away from us. I chose my "pseudo" because it seems I've never stopped fighting ever since I came to Japan... I did manage to arrange it (when our younger son was about 8) so that he could stay for a few days with his father and elder brother. Of course I accompanied him (by Shinkansen) to the town where they lived and stayed with some friends in the area while he stayed with his father. At that time, things seemed to go well and our first son came to visit us in Tokyo for Christmas one year. Unfortunately, as he grew older, his father's rather "violent" influence had really rubbed off on him and when he was 19, he came to Tokyo, punctured one of my car's tyres, grabbed my keys (including the "house key") and when I tried to follow him out of the office where I was working, he punched me in the mouth... (I was asked to find a new job somewhere else...) The last time I saw him was at his father's funeral but he just ignored me...
nath
This sounds like the opinion of a western woman bitter from not getting the attention she feels entitled to from years of having the upper hand in the west.
The reason so many western male - Japanese female relationships work so well, is that both are used to being expected to treat their partners well, without receiving the reverse. So when they get together, it's a relationship where they are both treating each other well, which unsurprisingly leads to happy relationships, a low divorce rate, and mutual respect.
oginome
Truth hurts? And who said I was a Western woman in the first place? Interesting how you assume that criticism would have to come from a woman. The entitled gaijin who throws his toys out the pram when he doesn't get what he wants is a well-worn yet sadly true to life cliche, unfortunately.
nath
I didn't say you are a western woman, I said it sounds like the opinion of one.
FightingViking
@Mennonite Maiden
I see we have both been through some pretty tough times. I'm glad you do know where your son is and that he seems to be all right. I'm sure there is a pretty big gap between our ages (you and I) and I'll no longer be able to find me someone new... I did have a few happy years with another Japanese man, who took care of my younger son with me. We were planning on getting married (he was also divorced) but thanks to an extremely stupid "mistake" at a hospital, he was misdiagnosed as being "drunk" when in fact, it was brain haemorrhage (as an ex-medical student, that was MY diagnosis but the dear doctor didn't believe me). Two years and three months in a coma before finally "slipping away"... His "legacy" though, is enormous ! He had the most wonderful influence on my younger son, who is now taking very good care of me ! (BTW, it was my fiancé's ex-wife - also a foreigner - who used to attack him, once with a big carving knife...
I wish you every happiness with your new family.
Tessa
@FightingViking, please don't enter into a dialogue with so-called Mennonite Maiden. And Franchesca? You need help. Get some.
oginome
Please, it's pretty obvious what you were implying. You assumed I was female because I called out the gaijin men on their misogyny which is very real and is evident nearly every time you meet a male foreigner in Japan.
SprSynJn
I'm one of those western men who have been contemplating whether or not I will divorce my Japanese wife. My reasons are close to those already mentioned here, but the main reason is because my wife simply does not respect me. No matter how much work I do, no matter how much love I give, no matter how much help I provide, none of it is enough for her. It has become very stressful, and I think her selfishness is going to rub off on my daughter. That is my main concern. I don't want any man she may marry to have to deal with what I am going through now. It is why I decided never to marry a westerner. Looks like I really did in the end.
KOKUJIN
Married to a Japanese women for 16 years. Three children. Our relationship is fun and loving. Sure it is not like when we were in our 20's but our commitment to each other is strong. Infact, all of our friends are American/Japanese couples and not one has divorced. Divorce is everywhere ...not just mixed couples.
nath
Well, aside from being a gaijin loser, a misogynist (we're on every street corner in Japan, apparently) entitled and self-pitying (did I miss anything?) I'm also a dad who adores his daughter and works hard to make sure there's food on the table.
I'm not asking for much from my marriage. A little recognition of the fact that I'm busting my arse wouldn't go amiss though.
oginome
Here's what you originally said in your reply to me
You're going to pretend that wasn't aimed at me now? Come on, it was very obvious. Immediately assuming that whoever had this opinion was female was very telling. Plus, the very fact that you say these 'bitter' women have 'the upper hand in the west' shows you yourself subscribe to the self-pitying male gaijin narrative.
Not bitter at all, just find entitled, spoilt behaviour from white men a bit much to take.
What do you mean by 'recognition'? As in thinking your wife owes you sex because you're the breadwinner?
canadianbento
It is good to see different comments. Marriage is a tough gland it is WAY tougher when a cole of different ethnicity marry. I can speak from experience, having been married to a Japanese Woman for 57 years. Times have changed dramatically in our marriage time. We used to get threatening telephone calls, written letters and snide remarks on the street, but, we over came this and still have a great life together.
Tamarama
Like all relationships, I know some that are great, and some that fizzled into nothing.
Just be cautious, take your time to get to know the person and don't get rushed into anything. You should figure out if it's going to work for you or not. The signs will be there.
I'm very happily married to a Japanese woman - she is a great girl. Open minded, adventurous, good natured, well mannered and just generally a pleasure to spend time with.
Honestly couldn't think of anything better.
nath
I don't recall saying that I require sex for services rendered. Still, it would be an improvement I suppose.
oginome
I didn't say you said that. I asked you what you meant. And gross @ your answer. Proving my point.
Li Li Aikawa
What is interesting is that I am going through some of these things w/my Japanese husband. When we were dating, he was very sweet and loving. Gentle.Would hold my hands and we would always have dinner once or twice a month. Right after we married, he became so cold. We don't make love (only when he wants to which is rare), we don't go out and he just...ugh..I have no idea what to do. Maybe divorce is option. When someone mistreats you, it is hard on you. Especially when always trying or at times blaming yourself when it isn't you at all.
Neo_Rio
No-one's going to like this comment, but here goes:
Women have to juggle two types of men in their life. There is no "the one" magic man who fits everything. It's impossible.
Women categorize men into two categories: The "quick fling" and the "provider". If you're the quick fling, sex happens pretty quick and then you're let go to meet other woman and do the same thing to them. If you're the provider, you're the workhorse who is supposed to pay all the bills. To a woman, a man cannot fill both roles at the same time. They are mutually exclusive by their very nature.
Women only respect horn-dogs who love them and leave them, but then they go around saying that these guys are somehow "bad" in order to trick a provider men into a relationship where they are forced to work and disrespected for doing it.
And when you point this out this fallacy, women will categorically deny it and start with the ad hominem attacks.
FightingViking
@Li Li Aikawa
If you're really thinking about divorce, I hope you don't have any children yet. It's REALLY hard on them and you. Better to do it before having any babies.
Li Li Aikawa
@FightingViking: No kids. Just me, myself and my heart. But thank you for advice and many blessings.
@Mennonite Maiden: I am sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you become reunited. I will send good vibes your way. I believe everyone shares ways and expressing their love,disdain or anything differently. All people of various backgrounds do the things and these things that are mean. I just thought for the past 3 years that I was the problem in my marriage when it is not me. I believe we are not compatible (husband and I) and I don't regret my marriage. But I see everything in my life as "lesson learned". Many blessings and good vibes.
Peacetrain
There are many great Japanese marriages. And many people married to Japanese who have plenty of affection and sex.
But what anyone marrying a Japanese man OR woman needs to understand is that there really are MANY (notice I didn't say all) Japanese who think it's completely normal for romance, passion, sex, shows of affection to be for outside of or before marriage. Anyone who has been in Japan for a long time and really knows Japanese society knows this, as do Japanese people.
And for many, if it doesn't end at marriage it ends when the wife goes back to her parents to get ready for having a baby.
Notice this is NOT ALL, but it's very common.
Many if not most Japanese people think that's normal. The people I feel sorry for are those who thought their Japanese lover was different, but then saw a radical change after marriage.
@Mennonite Maiden, I love your name!
sfjp330
PeacetrainFeb. 06, 2014 - 08:20AM JST There are many great Japanese marriages. And many people married to Japanese who have plenty of affection and sex.
Where? Japan ranked dead last among 30 countries in the frequency of sex. Men and women need to get more realistic. Men need to start helping with the housework and supporting their wives' careers. Women need to stop waiting for the flawless man who's never going to show up. They have to compromise. Problem in Japan is that fewer and fewer women care about tradition.
genjuro
While not the case every time, there's definitely some truth to this.
Li Li Aikawa
I was thinking about what Neo_Rio was saying about: "Women have to juggle two types of men in their life. There is no "the one" magic man who fits everything. It's impossible.
Women categorize men into two categories: The "quick fling" and the "provider". If you're the quick fling, sex happens pretty quick and then you're let go to meet other woman and do the same thing to them. If you're the provider, you're the workhorse who is supposed to pay all the bills."
To me, that is not a "woman" but a "girl". When a woman is with a man, or in any marital situation, things need to be 50/50. When you date/marry a "child" than that is what you expect. Child behavior. I have never been the one to have my husband "provide" or was dependent on anyone. We did things in a 50/50 manner. I had a job as a special needs aide for autistic children as well as speech therapist. He is a head chef downtown Manhattan. You have to know what the person is bringing to the table. But what you described can be easily said about men. Boys want "quick flings" and a "provider" also. (notice I said boy and not Man?) But I understand what you mean but that isn't the case with women/men but rather girls/boys. Just my opinion..
Thomas Morris
I have been married to a Japanese women. For 42 years yes it can be hard but most things said here don't sound right after all these years we are still very much in love the sex has slowed down but that is because of age and my medical conditions.she has adapated to the US and we also follow her customs.she can get bossy absolutely can I. We are all different people live with it and talk things out.
TRP456
Many of these problems don't sound exclusive to international relationships, but marriage in general. Many couples report that sex slows down after having children, even in America. Books are written about this very topic, which you can find on Amazon. So no surprise there.
It is interesting that Japan has the least sex. I recently went to Japan on a business trip and killed it in the bars/clubs, so maybe Japanese women just aren't interested in having sex with small & shy Japanese men ;p. たいへんですね。But I also do rather well for myself in America, so no surprise there. But compared to America, Japan is a magical place where you are eye candy everywhere you go, just because you're white. Next time I go over there I'm going to have to rent out some oxygen tanks so I don't drown in all that foreign strange. Closest thing to heaven on Earth.
Japanese women probably want the same thing all women want. Excitement and a man with options. Anything less is settling for a chump that will pay the bills. If your wife gives you an allowance every week, isn't turned on by you, and hits you when you argue I guarantee she doesn't see you/respect you as a man. Forget just Japanese women, if any woman got violent with me I would nip that behavior at the bud. A weekly allowance? Seriously, grow a pair of balls. If you are a pushover/welcome mat, you are going to be treated like one in any relationship, regardless of nationality. The more of a pushover you are, the greater the likelihood that there will be reduced attraction on her end in the relationship over time. That's not Japanese culture, that's just human behavior.
Work out/take care of your body, have a vibrant social life, and take control of your relationship (i.e. don't whine on the internet that your cute little Japanese wife beats you up or gives you your lunch money for the day). I feel for the guys here that say their wife doesn't respect them. "I pay the bills! I give her so much love and affection! I treat her like a Princess!" Stop putting pussy on a pedestal. Nothing dries up a woman quicker than a man that showers her with affection and attention 24/7. You don't have to be a hardass, but shit, don't be a bitch either.
BruceB
To trp456, night life and non marriage relationships have less obstacles. I've killed it in every city I've visited in the world also, but I won't be ignorant of the challenges that lie ahead when I get married if the right person comes along.
Being alpha in a singles situation is different than inside a marriage. I see that and would adapt when the need arises.
havill
The stat about "40% divorcing" is a little misleading. It depends on the nationalities of both:
For Japanese men marrying non-Japanese women, the worst divorce rates are (by nationality):
1. Koreans (North, South, and technically stateless) women: 45.5% 2. American women: 41.5% 3. Philippine women: 40.5%Best are:
1. Brazilian women: 31.7% 2. Chinese women: 35.3% 3. U.K. women: 35.5%For non-Japanese men marrying Japanese women, the stats are much worse:
Worst:
1. Philippine men: 70.0% (!) 2. Thai men: 59.9% 3. Chinese men: 47.5%Best:
1. U.K. men: 21.0% 2. Brazilian men: 24.8% 3. American men: 24.9%Average divorce rate for Japanese men with Japanese women is 36.5% Average divorce rate for Japanese men with non-Japanese women is 38.5% Average divorce rate for Japanese women with non-Japanese men is 36.5%
Stats are from 2010.
Brandon A English
Glad that you guys ended this article on a hopeful note. Also, I think that you included some good points, such as "it's not the cultural differences so much as it is the maturity on both parts."
I've heard crazier stories than these AND was (and still am, to a lesser degree) demonized by my ex who is American, like myself. I had a pretty darn bad upbringing as a child that caused me to not be prepared in any way, shape or form for a relationship so I made a HUGE mistake getting involved with her...she made me pay dearly, and she wasn't anywhere near Japanese.
Now, I'm in Japan where I hope to be long-term and, like one of the guys above, just don't feel I connect with most western women, and though my dating in Japan has been very short (just two weeks and counting), already I am feeling a better connection than I felt in China or the US.
arcieres
I wouldnt mind be viewed like a ATM for my wife, as long as I get from her what I need, and as long as she can be understanding if a economic problem is generated for something out of my control; but it seems not always be the case.
azukaya
I wonder if there are similarities between the way the sex within the marriage is seen in Japan and the way it is seen in other traditional cultures, like christianity, judaism or islam. Anyway there must be a strong connection between the inclination of wifes to avoid sex, and wifes approval of married men using prostitution.
Christian Bachinger
ive been married with my Japanese wife for almost 2 years now and though my stubbornness doesn't help the fights we have, im beginning to understand how to curb it and let certain small things rest which are not important; and recently ive noticed a positive change in her :) the one trouble which ive come to slowly and regrettably accept, is that she has no interest to wear figure showing clothing that many women find attractive on themselves but she says 'not interested' :((( and again, like many other foreign husbands problems, her sex drive is nearly nonexistent - whether we have sex a few times a week or once every 3 months, it doesn't bother her. Ive decided to 'accept defeat and go with her flow' but at some point, I hope for a change.
Sure she is 41 but that does not mean that she is dead either and she clearly has energy in doing other things that she personally enjoys doing.
If I could get a reply somehow or given a link to another helpful source, that would be much appreciated.
adm73
Been married to a Japanese woman for 12 years. Literally when she found out she was pregnant she said that we couldn't have sex anymore as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I didn't get married so I could never have sex again. We have 3 kids and I love them all, but our sex life instantly dropped to 3 or 4 times a year. I have never cheated on her but she would often threaten to divorce me if I did cheat on her, try and figure that one out. She doesn't want to have sex with me but doesn't want anyone else taking care of those needs. We haven't had sex in 2 years. Divorce is certain. We live in canada and I am worried she will abduct the kids back to Japan and I will lose my kids forever.
Beer_my_true_love
I've had it up to the hilt with my Japanese Wife...been Married 18 years now, she told me the one thing she hates most is having sex ! WTF before the second was born it was all different, soon as the second dropped Game over...I'm sick of being in a sexless relationship. Even when I get a shag I feel it's co-erced...If we didn;t have kids I'd Divorce tomorrow...I don't want another leech, so think I'll now just go whoring...
Tim Patten
Men should wake up. Japan men have started a movement that millions around the world are following. Marriage benefits women. No matter how silly, men should get out of marriages that are killing their soul. MGTOW
wuwus,com
Well guys, interesting reading this forum responses. I married a beautiful Japanese woman and I must say ... .. sex and the relationship was great. Everything changed with her, 2 days after getting married BUT I am a quick learner and I divorced her ...2 months after the honeymoon. I will not put up, with crap ... as in a woman telling me what to do, fussing everyday and wanting to controlling my salary. She wanted me to be a financially responsible for her son ,,, of which her ex-husband had custody... hahaha ..when pigs fly.
The bottom line .... is as soon as you see the "changed" and the "crap" ... head for the closest EXIT.
Life is short and it meant to be enjoyed ... so don't spend years ... fixing the "unfix-able".
Miguel Lozano
Im surprised with the comments that say J women dare to reject sex, even more when in other comments say that look their husbands like ATM, I dont see the balance. Talking from my culture it have not to do with her sex drive, but with the fact that she understand that give sexual pleasure is one of her duties as wife. Honestly, if she is not doing her job she could not complain about husband diverting money from home to prostitution to satisfy his needs.
azukaya
I've always thought it can be even better for the marriage when the man financially support his wife, because in this form she could invest all her energy in the marriage, letting herself be more submissive, patient, pleasant, etc. But it seems that in this case, J women take it for granted and not value what men are doing for their.
rohpuk
This sex drive thing seems to be common, but I am expiencing a different form of it. She gets what she wants from me but does not reciprocate. It's not my first marriage but although she was not married before she was in relationships.
I have tried for almost 2 years to address the problem but to not avail. She either does not understand or is too stubborn.
I tried to be understanding but I am only human and the frustration is beginning to get the better of me. It's reached a point where I am seriously considering divorce.
sado001
I'm now living with my Japanese girlfriend. I am greatful that she is doing some of the housework (cooking, laundry, etc). But one thing bothers me is she would like to control my salary. I addressed to her many times that I don't like being controlled, especially financially since its common for my country that both parents work and doesn't control the partners money. My father is paying mainly on the utilities and our food. And my mother is contributing as well. But both of their salary is for them to decide.
She told me that I could only have 30k yen as my monthly "allowance". Plus she said to me that I must increase my salary so that she could go home to her hometown every month, which of course I will be the one to pay. She always says that I am the man and I must be the one to provide while she doesn't want to work (Regardless if we have a child or not). I told her that I would want to make a business in my country since its HARD to create one in Japan, especially if you are Non-Japanese. But you know what she said to me? She said that if my business flops she will divorce me and go back home. She wants it to be 100% successful or else just don't do it. She doesn't want to take risks and just wants to play it "Safe" (Safe being an employee with fixed income FOREVER).
She also questions me why do we need to have sex and hates being kissed at.
Also she violently kicks/pushes me when I did something she didn't like. She even locked me outside our apartment in the middle of the night because she saw a "gross" video that my friend commented, and because he is my friend she linked it to me saying that my people in the world especially my countrymen are full of sh*t. And that Japanese are not like that, as if Japanese are so perfect. If I say something that she thinks offensive about the Japanese she will tell me that don't make comments about Japanese because she is Japanese. But is making racist comments about Non-Japanese people. She even degraded me, telling that my country/citizenship is worthless, that I graduated in a stupid university (I graduated from one of the top university in my country), all because her printer was not working and that "I couldn't fix her problem (Note: When I asked her what is the problem, she would say "I don't know/go find it out yourself")". (I was in Tokyo and she was on Osaka that time)
nath
So why are you with her? Read your own post - does she sound right for you?
sado001
@Strangerland
nath
You sound like a battered woman. That's what they say too.
To be honest, if you are with someone like this, then the responsibility is just as much yours for putting up with it, as it is theirs for doing it to you. But since you can't control their behavior, and can only control your own, then you only really have yourself to blame - she couldn't do this to you if you didn't let her.
Sorry to be blunt, but it's honest advice, and your life will be better if you heed it.
sado001
@Strangerland
It's ok.. Thank you for your advice..
BeReal_7663
I do all I can to make my wife and children happy and well taken care of and by all means, I am no angel, BUT, my Japanese wife is nasty, bossy, shows me no love or affection...hell, if I didn't ask for sex, it probably would never happen, and takes all my jokes as a personal attack. After 8 years of this, I would probably divorce her if it wasn't for my two kids...which, I am sure that if we divorced, she'd pack her bags and run back to Japan with the kids and I would never see them again! I couldn't bare to lose my kids!
Jutt de Galloway
I was foolish enough to marry a Japanese women. Only fool bigger than me is wife herself as she tries applying Japanese rules and values to uk situations and the uk is dog eat dog country. Forget any rights to your children after breaking up as you don't have any. I was rich man in my 30s and I have purposely wasted my money and sold houses off cheap just so the wife who is far richer than I ever was does not get my money. will happily go to prison instead of giving the lunatic a penny. you have been warned.
Hotrhythm
I have been married to a Japanese woman for 5.5 years now. We have two kids. I am in a total zombie marriage and I cannot take it anymore. No intimacy for over two years. Nothing. Not even holding hands. I have addressed this, I have tried to talk about it, etc. I feel completely dead and trapped in this relationship. We are basically roommates with kids. Life cannot continue like this and I am cannot die never having felt closeness with another human being again. She can also be incredibly mean, verbal and yes, physical abuse, kicking, scratching and throwing stuff. The relationship with her dad is bad too. He can be so mean and judgmental. I have definitely lost a part of myself and need myself back. I never ever thought this would get so bad but I have done quite a bit of research online regarding marriages between foreign men and Japanese women and I'm glad to find out that I'm not completely alone in this. I want out and I know that there's danger that I might lose my kids but I'm not sure if it's worth it being absolutely miserable to the point where life is bleak and dark in this marriage. The things she has said against me, oh boy, your ears would fall off your heads! Also, I am ALWAYS wrong and she talks s*** especially with her father about me. I can never ever defend myself. I am just supposed to shut up, take it and say "hai!". I feel sad that this has happened to me. I have usually always been a pretty outgoing, positive, and optimistic guy but the abuse I have been experiencing the past few years have really affected me. Advice?
gogogo
@Hotrhythm: I feel your pain bit have found that if you stand your ground you can be rewarded. It is easy sometimes to just shut up and say hi because you don't understand Japanese. But that does make your wrong. I say this in the nicest possible way but you need to tell your wife how it is, tell her in English if you must your feeling. A lot of Japanese girls I have had experience with just want a strong man, if you show you ain't gonna take her shit she will listen to you. I wish you luck my brother.
tokyo2017
It is interesting to read all these articles. I'm afraid alot of truth goes into the part about not accepting a woman telling you what to do in a marriage and instead standing up for your rights even you are married. The one big issue about "money" control is the first big one. Don't ever let a woman control all your money unless money means nothing to you I refused this to my Japanese wife for years whom complained non stop. However still today I'll take the control and buy whatever wine I like whether my wife likes or not and eat out for lunch wherever and at whatever cost I feel like whether she likes it or not. I refuse the joint bankbooks still and spend whatever I want. One big issue in Japan is sadly income. If married here and not much income or silly enough to accept a wife doling out JPY500 a day or even JPY10000 a day or whatever then you are screwed basically no matter whom you are married too or whatever nationality unless you plan on living a frugal existence. Noted my wife gets peeved about this, yet I do hold a well paying position here so have enough money to go around so that she can us her credit cards relatively freely too. Once again financial freedom is a key in Japan for decent survival and lifestyle.The sexless issue is a funny one. To be honest its died off after kids, yet is still every month of so. Its simply a case to ordering her in bed despite any complaints. It generally works 95% of the time. I have also entered another level too there..its more creative than before when does happen and we both enjoy it more like fun than much else. Another reality is I'm living like Japanese in one sense which is the nights out which whilst only a few nights a week are great release for boredom. I'll admit too that my Japanese colleagues have explained to me its how they stay balanced. Most admit the wife is an Onibaba (old hag) post the kids. The other thing here are the nic editing options that I do "sans missus" . I confess I regularly visit the same establishments as my Japanese colleagues in the daytime or evenings and am having other fun outside of the marriage, as I suspect my wife could possibly too. The only one rule I follow is no matter what weekends and public holidays or school events, birthdays etc etc are family time with kids and mom. I suddenly realised and summarise something essential here. If you marry a Japanese woman, no matter what she married you as she thinks she can experience much more international things than with a Japanese guy..i.e such as bossing you around, traveling alot , acting hot tempered and aggressive like she sees on western TV soap operas. Yet in reality after marriage she will conform and accept back to being a typical Japanese while in Japan. Therefore to survive and flourish and enjoy you need to be like a hybrid western guy doing what you want and also acting like a Japanese guy to a large extent too. I personally like this balance. If married to a western or non Japanese I would not be able to escape nights out with younger more fun ladies or do other such things or enjoy naughty private rendezvous with other ladies found online or wherever and yet still keep a relatively harmonious marriage and have a happy weekend with kids and wife. Note another big one here is to marry an outgoing one from a decent or appearing decent family too, not a narrow minded one from a poor and relatively uneducated background. Uneducated woman long term do make the worst partners once the marriage settles after a couple of years. If you are on a lower salary too then go home. Like in America where parks are free, beaches have good surf and cheaper housing, better outdoor free stuff for kids and less structured society means a better life for those married couples than is possible in an organised society like Japan. One last note is that marriage without kids is pointless and becomes like living with your sister or a robot. If you plan on no kids then do not get married. No matter what, without kids a marriage is unbalanced and gets boring very quick!
Janet Reginald
About violence and farting wife... I guess maybe it does not depend by nationality
it is just the Post-partum depression, I thought that cuz you said about the changing in behaviour
after the first child birth.
garypen
Conversely, I've seen many Japanese women happily married to American men joyfully living in California and New York with no intention of ever moving back to Japan, having relationships with Japanese, or working for a Japanese company, preferring the more modern attitudes towards women, casual lifestyles, and superior work/life balance found in their new homeland.
Iven Ohair
I’ve been married for 31 years to a Japanese woman. I’ve never experienced anything like what these people are saying. Lucky? No, it takes work, patience and understanding that you are in a relationship to a person from a different culture than yours. Most people do not take these things into consideration. Religion never played a part, since neither of us believe in a “God(s)”. I don’t like Japanese food, but I didn’t marry her for the food, or her culture. I married her because I love her. That simple.
Jonatan Rodrigo Lujan
I'm an Argentinian half Japanese men (ha-fu) if you want your japanese woman find it on your country or if she wants you make the real deal "you come to live to my country" like an old japanese proverb said "the woma that loves you, will cross mountains to be with you" apply that to any woman! Include men for western woman! I personally like more russians women! But i know their "modus operantis"
Cheungmoses
I read over the stories regarding foreigners married Japanese women, and finally get divorce because of many reasons. None of them talk about sex after marriage. Is there any problem on sex needs in between Japanese women and Westerns ?
Is there any people could advise me on this point ?
Strangerland
Cheungmoses
I have been work in Japan for nearly 10 years. Worked for two different employers, namely : Messrs. Toyota Automatic Loom Works and Kintetsu Aircago. Being a ' Outsider ' I often dreamed to marry with a Japanese girl and tried to chase after the colleque. Yes, I know, even if I married a Japanese woman, I cannot become local citizen. ( My Japanese friends often told me, foreigners cannot become local citizen by marriage. )
I often told by Japanese that both males and females enjoy sex and intercourse very much. I am in doubt. Yes, I found Japanese females have open mind. Yes, I do not have trouble to put Japanese women on bed and make love with me. But, I do not know how their feelings in making love with me. They kept their mouths shut during the process of my hard works.
I knew, after marriage, wife would control my daily expenses. This mean, I have to give out my payroll to her and ask for pocket money from her, daily.
Is anyone can tell me, how they feel on having a Japanese wife ?
Richard Spotify
I was dating a lovely Japanese girl after meeting her on one of my trips to Tokyo. I am from Australia. We hit it off and have been seeing each other for almost 12 months. Had some great sex and she was super loving and caring. Just recently she has stopped having contact with me. I was coming over to stay for a long period of time in Tokyo. She first said I have problems with work and family. Never explained what exactly. And now has completely ghosted me. No explanation, no communication.....Nothing.
But after reading a lot of the posts on her, I am saddened but not overly surprised. I still would love to be involved with a Japanese women, but I think it really isn't worth the effort. I hope i am proven wrong.
alek
Interesting and sad to read the experience of some of you.
Maried to a japanese, not easy everyday like all of us.
Sometimes that drive me to the crazy door
but i try to stay calm and listening the evolution of the relation.
Once a situation inedite show up on the relation even a tiny detail make a big change of the relation.
Try to remember the first argue, complaint, vision, project, what ever... Once your partnaire complain for the first time to a stupid thing that change the attitude of the mindset between the relation. Never let that being the new standard of the relation.
International mariage can be difficult for plenty situation inside the relation on the daily. We grow on the global bath culture, country culture and environment familial all this mix on our uniq personality. It s look like not huge difference on the global situation. But, once you live this relation on every little situation day by day, you notice the difference, if you don't be aware of this that will explode someday on somethinf that no one understand how that can be happen..
Apart, for everyone, the life have this lot of good and bad moment, the difficulty of the moment. Mariage, relation, money, ... i try to stay strong and do what i can for having better situation for me, my wife everyday., try to not let a toxic relation, situation happen. I love my wife, she loves me that a fact.
What i understood ( personnal) it's if we start a relation and live together (means you accept your partner at this moment for what it is or appear to be what it is) without having any connection to the outside, the relation have a perfect chemical connection. Once you have to interact to the outside, the connection are weaker and disturb. The sex and around this desire make the connection again and strong for a while. Goal : keep the connection in continu and strong.
Wish all the best for all of you, your mariage, your life with your partner. Nothing' all black or white.
Inez Ruiz
Hi I'm a 29 year old American Women born and raised in California and I have been thinking of moving to Japan because I like that Japan is more traditional when it comes to marriage and I've been obsessed with Japan since I was 7. But you have all talked me out of it. There are three things that you all should never accept in a marriage and that is cheating , abuse , and sexless/loveless marriage. Every man and every woman in this forum deserves a partner that actually wants to make love to them even after having children. I'm sure when children are in the house it may be difficult but I still believe that if two people loved each other so much that they got married that they should always commit not only to each other but to their bodies as well. Sex is important if you want to have a healthy marriage. If you are reading this as a foreign woman please don't stay married to someone who is gone cold and no longer wants to have sex with you. You don't deserve to feel unloved. If you are a foreign man DONT give her power over all of the money that YOU worked for. DONT accept an allowance as it's your money to start with. If a man goes out and works his butt off for his wife and family, then the money needs to go in his pocket not hers. A man is to be the leader of his household not the wife. Unfortunately, from what I see it's the woman that wears the pants in a marriage and that's just wrong to me. DONT accept a wife that no longer wants to have sex with you. It is immoral for someone to withhold sex from their partner in a marriage. DONT put up with someone who is going to control you. The woman does not need to control the man and the man does not need to control the woman. Controlling people are the most insecure people. You all deserve someone who is going to build you up not tear you down. Don't be afraid take risk but most importantly follow your dreams.