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Heartache for Japan's 40-year-old virgins

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Sex and a relationship are sometimes intertwined, sometimes not. A guy in Tokyo shouldn't have to search for a sexual experience, but it seems like these guys have other issues.

7 ( +11 / -4 )

Darwin comes to mind. If you can't get laid, no kids! But all jokes aside, just put yourself out there. There is someone for everyone, but most likely he or she will not be found playing PS4, interact with PEOPLE, even if they are all guys, they will know of a place to hangout and have fun. Finding someone should be as easy as that, having fun!

6 ( +7 / -1 )

I would say start with soapland where you can learn about sex and then go to a hostess bar where you can talk to women and learn about relationships. Alternate between the two until you are sexually and emotionally confident enough to form a relationship and then go to a gokon. There. Problem solved. Sketchin nude women isn't going to do it.

1 ( +11 / -10 )

I'm sure there are many varied reasons why each man remains a virgin. But the total number is quite surprising. In this case:

Only twice in his life has he had romantic and sexual feelings for a woman—the first time in his mid-twenties and then again two decades later.

...it's pretty obvious what the problem is. He has only tried twice in his entire life. Tens of millions of women, and he can only work up an interest in 2 over 20 years? I have often seen this among men who can't get a girlfriend or wife. They focus on their one dream lover, regardless of her interest in him. If that doesn't work out, they give up and mope for several years.

I would ask most of these guys, "How hard did you try? How many women have you made a serious effort to get to know - as just friends or otherwise?" I'd say it's virtually impossible not to laid if they take a real interest in meeting women, and getting to know them. That's all they need to work on.

10 ( +11 / -1 )

I would ask most of these guys, "How hard did you try? How many women have you made a serious effort to get to know - as just friends or otherwise?"

My friends and I used to call this "getting the Heisman Trophy." For those not familiar, the Heisman Trophy is awarded to the outstanding college football player each year. The trophy is depicted as a player with the football in one hand, and his arm extended "brushing off" a tackler. When one got "brushed off" by trying to approach a woman in a club, we would say they won the Heisman.

I bring that up because my friends and I got many a "Heisman" in our days, in other words one has to be able to put oneself out there in the dating scene, and of course you are going to get brushed off and one needs to be able to just pull yourself up and try again. These guys in this story seem too "fragile" and if they get brushed off by a woman turning them down, then I shudder to think what type of worker they are. Not saying one has to be active sexually to be a good worker, but if one can't get over being turned down from the opposite sex, then how can they expect to work in the real world. I guess if there were more women in the Japanese work force who were in decision making positions, these guys would just fold up and not do the work.

As some have posted there are many venues out there for Japanese men to at least experiement with sex. If they want to remain virgins until married, though it is noble and I can respect that, don't go complaining that you can't meet any women. Most of the establishments mentioned by posters do not allow foreigners in, so these guys have all the access, and none of the gumption to try to use it.

Sad indeed.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Once a male is over 40 it is really too late to find a partner HERE if you want to have a family. The women are too old from a physiological perspective. Save your self the time, effort and emotional stress and find a nice women half your age from the Phillipines or Thailand for example.

-26 ( +10 / -35 )

Sex isn't always what's number one but it's damn sure in my top two.

10 ( +11 / -1 )

Men should start getting in on when they are young, stop hanging around other boys and start dating for crying out loud.

10 ( +11 / -1 )

I have wondered about this often here and I do have a lot of sympathy. The whole going out and getting laid thing is completely different in Japan than where I come from.

First there is the motivation; the incessant, testosterone-driven desire to meet girls. That does appear to be lacking here and it has almost gone by 40.

Secondly there is the opportunity. Where can people meet and relax and get touchy-feely with each other ? You can't even kiss in public here.

Thirdly there is the attitude, and this goes for both sexes (it takes two to tango). Japan is deeply, socially conservative. All the rules of how to interact between people seem to conspire to ensure a lot of people remain virgins.

Just think. No snogging at teen discos, no 'cattle market' nightclubs (maybe there are in big cities here, but in my country every small town has at least two), no lads or lasses beach holidays in Spain or Greece, no 18-30 club, no all-night house parties, no dancing together in a dark club, no taxi back to yours or mine.

8 ( +9 / -1 )

My guess is these guys are just not that good looking or have zero personality. Many probably smoke, are short, skinny, boring to talk to, and dress like a, uhm, salaryman.

-6 ( +5 / -11 )

"Only twice in his life has he had romantic and sexual feelings for a woman—the first time in his mid-twenties and then again two decades later."

That is incredible. Or I'm sick. I have romantic and sexual feelings for a woman everytime I catch the train. Okay, actually just walking down the street to go to the station.n

Okay, I lied. I started heating up thinking about the sketches.

Vrrgin Academia?

"He doesn’t know if he will ever pass that particular milestone," “There is no need to be so pessimistic,” he said. “After all, being a virgin isn’t fatal.”

Wow. I think he's wasting his money at the Academy. This guy just doesn't seem interested.

Unless it's just his spiel to get laid?

I think I'll try this. "otsukaresama. Well, I'm just off to the VIrgin Academia now..."

SEriously, this is just so amazing. I have religious friends almost going insane trying NOT to lose their virginity. I bet this guy lives with his mother. He should just go to omiai and get married - if his mother will let him.

9 ( +10 / -1 )

Once a male is over 40 it is really too late to find a partner HERE if you want to have a family. The women are too old from a physiological perspective. Save your self the time, effort and emotional stress and find a nice women half your age from the Phillipines or Thailand for example.

Why do you consider the Philippines or Thailand??

0 ( +5 / -5 )

It's not these guys's fault. It's modern women's! And not only in Japan. In these days women have evolved into sexploiters and total ***ches. In order to get any attention from an attractive woman a man needs "game". In other words, he has to be adept at being disingenuous, duplicitous, cunning, deceitful, and fluent in general bs. At the same time he must pretend to enjoy and be unscathed by her duplicity, fake eyelashes, boringness, and lack of hobbies or interests save for spending money. Unfortunately, this is what dating has boiled down to in modern, capitalist societies. Some men are simply unable to play the game and win. If a man is rich, however, the rules of the game are at his disposal. So I can easily grasp there being 40 year old virgins.

-9 ( +9 / -19 )

Dating, marriage, childrearing, family -- Inter-gender relations in Japan have fallen so far out of whack over the past three decades that stories like this don't even make me blink anymore. It's small wonder that men are going well into their 40s without having ever dated. And you can be sure that the number of women in Japan in similar circumstances is uncommonly high as well. The genders are virtual strangers to one another, both by willful ignorance and by design.

We're are talking about a society where teens as old as 18 still talk about the opposite gender in hushed whispers and view any scenario in which boys and girls might have to work together on school-based projects with the same discomfort they imagine catching the bubonic plague might engender.

We're also talking about a society in which the average perception of a man's inherent worth in a committed relationship boils almost exclusively down to how much cold, hard capital he can bring to the table. It's not about child-rearing abillity, it's not about being honest, caring, considerate, or faithful. It's about cash reserves and earning potential over the long haul. And the determination of whether a man meets the litmus test is done almost exclusively via superficial examination. Does he wear the right clothes, work in the right industry, carry the right brand name wallet? If the answer is no to any of these, these odds of attracting the attention of a potential "love" interest dimishes considerably.

When relationships in Japan are based largely on one's economic value, rather than one's human qualities, at the end of the day, how interesting or promising can having a wife or husband really be?

In the current climate, these guys aren't missing a whole lot, to be honest.

13 ( +14 / -2 )

maybe if you moved out of your parents house and stopped watching anime and manga you could get some

6 ( +11 / -5 )

Simple formula to help this guy: (1) go to a lady of the night near Ueno or Ikebukuro and don't be a virgin anymore; (2) find a pick up book and practice overcoming approach anxiety and talk to women; (3) practice until you find a nice girlfriend.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

“In today’s Japan, we have no place to learn about sex or how to form a romantic relationship,” he said.

They should've tried a little harder in their high school, college, post graduate years. Trial and error. @ 40 there is little hope for these mopes.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

When relationships in Japan are based largely on one's economic value, rather than one's human qualities, at the end of the day, how interesting or promising can having a wife or husband really be?

@ LFRAgain: I agree with your comments to a point, and as they say it takes two to tango. You brought out points that may deter some men, but keep in mind, not all women here are bringing a lot to the table. Not to be rude, but there are some women out there who may not have had the right background and jobs and family connections and would be seen as "lower class" not by their manner but by their upbringing. So if guys can't fight in the major leagues there are plenty of women out there that may not be in the big time, but are just as honest and diligent and willing to work on a realtinship just as they are. Except both groups will not meet each other due to some false belief in some sort of social status and etiquette that must be followed.

As the radio personality Dr. Laura once said; you may see a lot of beautiful people on tv and in the media being loving couples and looking like the Clever family; but if you walk around any mall, you will find that not all people in the world look like that, and even those that are "not so pretty" wind up finding somebody to be with. They just don't want to try.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

There are many good and salient points other bloggers have noted considering the social environment and characteristics of Japanese people that prevent what I l'd like to call normal interaction between genders. I'd like to add my small opinion. If anyone (other Japanese or foreigners) ask a Japanese person directly for something (physical thing, service, favor, etc.) it is rare to receive an outright, "no," for an answer. Most Japanese will suck air through their teeth and exclaim, "muzukashii," or something similar. That being said, there is almost a plague-like aversion to being outright rejected or receiving any negative criticism in Japan from anyone regardless of gender. In addition to the reasons previous bloggers have already stated, I believe that Japanese people (Japanese men in particular) are so fearful of having their romantic (or sexual) advances being outrightly rejected by the opposite sex that they would rather stay stay single forever rather than face the possibility of being rejected. The fear of having to say a direct "no" or being the receiver of a direct "no" is intolerable to the average Japanese regardless of gender. It is a borderline Japanese societal mental illness if you ask me. Fear of rejection is one of the biggest reasons these guys can't form any type of relationship with the opposite sex. (By the way, the women are just as fearful in their own way.)

The less sympathetic version of me says, "Man up. Stop living with your parents/parent past the age of 22. (I swear Japan is the only country on the face of the Earth where a person male or female can admit that they still live with their parents past the age of 22 and not be ashamed of it. In fact, I believe it is quite encouraged.) Do something to make yourself remotely attractive to the opposite sex. Stop masturbating to AV, pornographic books, and ero manga. Visit a prostitute if you must. Do something... anything... to overcome your fear."

4 ( +5 / -1 )

The number one reason why so many people, both men and women, are still single is because they haven't woken up yet and like most people they are caught in the mundane chores of their daily life. Throw it all out, see your life as an adventure and you will change your mind and it will be easier to approach others because: ask yourself what do you really have to lose? Your miserable, mundane life? Your time playing pointless video games or watching pointless TV shows? All the material things are of no value. Relations and friendship on the other hand are priceless. Almost everyone needs sex but if you can get it regularly you will realize that it's overrated.

6 ( +7 / -1 )

In Soviet Russia, Sex has YOU.

-2 ( +5 / -7 )

Hey good serious comments came through here.

Unfortunately LFR is pretty right. When I first came here and saw TV shows for matchmaking and the men's salaries was written under their names I couldn't believe it. But the Japanese around me didn't think it unusual at all. As a person who spends a lot of time around women, I can tell you that the single ones when talking about what kind of guy they like will often talk about occupation as much as personality. And it's surprising how many really young girls think they want to be full-time housewives, or others who want to have the right to do a little bit of work - or not.

It's like the 50's in America, except that girls are able to fool around in Japan or overseas as much as they like before they "settle down". Can't tell you how many girls I know who loved having fun, then suddenly married some serious guy.

Money rules. But like Alpha and Dr Laura said - I'm always amazed at how many complete loser guys who look like they are in between prison sentences have girlfriends. Some nice guys are just way too shy.

But with all the magazine articles about perfect first dates and what a really suteki guy does it's no wonder many men feel pressure.

but the bottom line is - any guy who is half decent who knows how to say "Hey, would you like to have coffee", shouldn't have any problems.

Really - its that simple. Then over coffee you might have an idea if you'd be interested in going out.

I might start up a Virgin Eikaiwa Academia.

4 ( +7 / -3 )

Everybdody's different so it's hard to know what to say to all of these various guys in a nut shell. I guess I would try to spruce myself up, join some kind of a club, etc., don't be afraid of falling on your face when talking with a girl. I remember my room mate telling me he'd hit on 10 or more different women when he went bar hopping and calculating he had a 10% success rate, thus, 1 out of 10 women would go out with him. He told me that he was only interested in that 10% and didn't care at all about the 90% who rejected him. A kind of carefree and not giving a damn attitude can go a long ways. He had a really cool car, I remember he one time he returned laughing without having had any luck at the bars and telling me his Camarro did better than he did. A girl wrote her name and phone number on a piece of paper and stuck it under the winshield wiper of his car while he was busy trying to get lucky inside.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

“One thing I learned is that there are many different shapes of breasts and even genitals."

This knowledge of breast and vaginal shapes is as useful to dating as the "Sunscreen" song so eloquently puts it, "Don't worry about the future Or know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."

If you're worried about dying a virgin, the exchange of cash for goods and services can solve that problem for you in any Japanese town near almost any major train station.

If you're worried about dying alone, drop the sketch pad and pencil and stop viewing women as an object, what this class is doing is so counter-productive, but view them as a person who may share the same anxieties as you, the same insecurities, or feelings and talk to them. Gokon's are a cliche but they work for some, don't slag them off. Try them, go to those speed dating parties or sporting events, there's no shame in looking for love, if you want to.

But bottom line is, don't worry. What's the worse that can happen if you never marry or find love? You get to keep all your money.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Save your self the time, effort and emotional stress and find a nice women half your age from the Phillipines or Thailand for example.

Sure, because there are not enough dirty, ugly old men out there who simply go and buy young women from the Philippines or Thailand who would otherwise see no chance to leave poverty. Bravo, Sir, your opinion is a shiny example for a lot of things wrong in this world.

3 ( +8 / -5 )

Does he wear the right clothes, work in the right industry, carry the right brand name wallet? If the answer is no to any of these, these odds of attracting the attention of a potential "love" interest dimishes considerably. When relationships in Japan are based largely on one's economic value, rather than one's human qualities,

That's no more true in Japan than it is in many countries, at least not just for finding a sex partner. For marriage, yes there may be more emphasis on money - but that's at least partly because women have limited economic opportunities themselves.

I see plenty of women dating guys who have none of the above, and seemingly quite happy. Money, clothes and career are certainly huge factors in the USA.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

This is the easiest country in the world to get laid. Millions of stunning clean and sexy women.

-1 ( +4 / -5 )

I just have one question for these "Men"?

Did you vote for Rino?

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

And I'm on the other end. There is simply no one I'm interested in...

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I swear Japan is the only country on the face of the Earth where a person male or female can admit that they still live with their parents past the age of 22 and not be ashamed of it.

Not at all. This is common in plenty of countries around the world.

8 ( +10 / -2 )

Many interesting view points posted on this article, and I am curious to know which of the posters are Japanese men. Myself and many others aer foreigners, and of course we have different perspectives on this issue, but I woder what do Japanese guys think? I have seen more women who wind up being what we called "spinsters" back in my home who have never married or are waiting for someone to sweep them off their feet. I have often suggested to one of my coworkers you can't meet guys just sitting in your room on the weekends watching tv. Go out, it doesn't have to be a club full of Americans. Of course I get the "it's not right for a woman to go out alone" or some other excuse and I tell her that she doesn't even go out with other females so wha't the excuse for that. If they go out in a group, it's bad form to meet some guy and leave others alone. If they go out alone, then their so called friends or strangers will think ill of them. As some have suggested, live a litle, be daring and say hello to someone and don't just sit there and wait for someone to bring the right person at the right time for you. All that leads to is the second problem that is a recurring theme here in JT, Japanese couples who have no intamacy and are married, and the third theme, aging couples who have killed off a partner after many years of marriage during an argument.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

This is the easiest country in the world to get laid. Millions of stunning clean and sexy women.

Back n' the day. My roommate scored on a dime his second day arriving here in Japan. These guys here (in this article) live their whole lives and find themselves sexless. What a pity.

2 ( +5 / -2 )

I remember my room mate telling me he'd hit on 10 or more different women when he went bar hopping and calculating he had a 10% success rate, thus, 1 out of 10 women would go out with him. He told me that he was only interested in that 10% and didn't care at all about the 90% who rejected him.

This is the correct attitude. Fear of rejection ends up making those who are afraid to reject themselves before someone else can do it. Once you realize that being rejected is no big deal whatsoever, then you can start playing and enjoying the game. Sure, if you don't try, you won't get rejected, but you won't be accepted either. Those who get rejected the most usually also get the most action.

Sure, because there are not enough dirty, ugly old men out there who simply go and buy young women from the Philippines or Thailand who would otherwise see no chance to leave poverty.

You just said it yourself - they otherwise would see no chance to leave poverty. Yet, you'd deny them even this possibility as well. And for some reason you think that the guy who would bring the girl out of poverty is worse than you who would keep them in it.

6 ( +7 / -1 )

I had a 20 year old student last semester who stayed behind after class class to shoot the shit. She lived away from home and was very independent thinking. Might have been the Christian upbringing, but who knows, maybe just great parents. She brought up the subject about how frustrating it was hearing the "cat noises" from the apartment room next to hers. So I asked her "have you found a boyfriend?" Her reaction resembled the look of bewilderment. She said no, she can't find one. All I could say was "Japanese guys are crazy". And she agreed with a resounding "YES!" LOL

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Very judgemental comments, as one would expect. As someone pointed out, Japan isn't like America or the UK in terms of rumpy-pumpy after a night out at the pub/club/whatever...

0 ( +6 / -6 )

Easy to say when 90% of you people here are white. Mine as a Thai person it take more than just an effort, career and money to date white or japanese women. We literally are the worse of social dating categories.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

rumpy-pumpy after a night out at the pub/club/

I haven't been there in years, but Ropongi sure the hell was-

-3 ( +0 / -3 )

Can't expect to know how to dance, play golf or tango after two tries... Why should talking up a girl be any different?

Like Strangerland and others said, just have to keep trying until you get it...and not care so much about failures. Making mistakes can teach a lot more than any drawing ever could.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Matchmaking expert Yoko Itamoto, money equates to masculinity, the economic muscle of a full time employment contract, will return the thrust in Mr Rocket Shorts...........loony tunes.

Leave your self consciousness at home, relax with a simple hello, fate has a way of surprising you.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

As someone pointed out, Japan isn't like America or the UK in terms of rumpy-pumpy after a night out at the pub/club/whatever...

You seem to forget that there is a whole industry of sex/soapy/host clubs that exclude many foreigners so it is not something (sexual encounters for recreation) that is just done in the Western mind. It has long been part of the Japanese culture. The issue is these days, guys aren't doing them maybe because if you look at the media perception, most of the guys I see in dramas are the type of "friend" types and not Alpha Male types.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

The average young lady in Japan is so preoccupied with the "doll like" looks, false eyelashes, flashy false nails, weaves, wooden shoes, bleaching their skin or monthly esthetic treatments, shaving their bodies, etc. than relationships when they are under 30 years old. Over 30 years old, it seems to be the same, to include, the annual reunions from pre-school to college, in addition to the monthly moai. Seems like nothing changes (not to mention sexual activity, except for an occasional drunken encounter). Bestu ni comes to mind. The window is very small for Japanese men with the amount of cultural baggage involved. Foreign men/women seem to fair better than the locals in/with any age group. Snacks don't help men develop the skills needed to interact with the opposite sex! A snack is a fairytale joint where you drink a lot, spend a lot of time, spend a lot of money, and you come back for more of the sweet little lady whose boyfriend/pimp is waiting around the corner at closing time. Times are changing...this could be a double edged sword (no pun intended)

-4 ( +1 / -5 )

I like how all these judgmental people are chiming in with their theories as to why these men are still virgins.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

The average young lady in Japan is so preoccupied with the "doll like" looks, false eyelashes, flashy false nails, weaves, wooden shoes, bleaching their skin or monthly esthetic treatments, shaving their bodies, etc.

I see university students everyday, both male and female, and you're wrong. Maybe it's what you're looking at, which might not be reality.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

'Only twice in his life has he had romantic and sexual feelings for a woman—the first time in his mid-twenties and then again two decades later.

Both rebuffed him.

“It was devastating,” he told AFP. “It seemed to invalidate my life and take away my reason to live.”'

I used to get at least two knockbacks by half past eight on Saturday nights from women who must have been lesbians. It's not hard to come to terms with rejection.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

I'm sure this is being crass, but frankly anyone who wants to lose their virginity in Japan must surely be able to. Their inability to form a relationship is a different thing.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Many probably smoke, are short, skinny, boring to talk to, and dress like a, uhm, salaryman.

All of those can be fixed except being short.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Many young working men are simply kept too busy at work to date or make girlfriends!

3 ( +5 / -2 )

Anybody remember Charles Pringle? A short obnoxious fat man who I know had over 2000 ladies notched up during his 20 years in Tokyo. If he can do it, why not the Japanese virgin in question not get at least one?

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

but Japanese people across the board appear to have less sex than those in other developed countries.

not true, completely false. walk around namba or umeda at night, and you'll see the oldest trick in the book at play, men and women on the hunt for sex.

-2 ( +3 / -5 )

but Japanese people across the board appear to have less sex than those in other developed countries.

not true, completely false.

Not false, completely true: http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/poorest-list/the-10-least-sexually-active-countries/10/

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Wc626

Trial and error. @ 40 there is little hope for these mopes.

My uncle has been approaching his twilight years. However he is still young at heart and dating with younger women young enough to be his daughters. In his wildest dream, he has never imagined about dating with women who are same age as him.

Actor Michale Douglass ex father in law is younger than him. Although his father in law was embarrassed, he envied Michale success and fortune.

Old men with plenty of Yens are more attractive to women comparing with broke, unemployed and penniless young men.

Some mopes are doing well.

-2 ( +2 / -4 )

Some mopes are doing well.

Yeah, but not the ones mentioned in this article.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

So if there are this many sexless men walking around, is it making women more desperate? I mean women have sexual needs too you know....

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Tips: Wear deodorant every day, use a nice subtle manly fragrance on your body, comb your hair, brush your teeth (at least twice a day), use mouthwash, don't say anything oyajilike, stupid or sexist, dress like an adult heterosexual male, wash your clothes using deodorant soap and use Downy in the rinse, don't look at your mother as your soulmate, stop taking thousands of pictures of trains, talk about things she wants to hear, don't wear a backpack everywhere. No thanks are necessary.

6 ( +6 / -0 )

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with most young (or even some older) men and women who aren't part of a couple. I think people need to learn how to meet people and make friends, and they need the time and space outside of work to do so without the pressure of marriage constantly hanging over their heads.

Go make friends, and then make more. Treat people well, but don't fall over yourself trying to win their favor. Eventually you'll find the friend you make your future with -- but you have to start somewhere.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Go make friends, and then make more.

Positive thinking. But in reality, most japanese guys (who find themselves in their sexless situation) will not attempt to make friends. Sadly, only burrow their heads deeper into despair & losing all hope. It says so in the article-

2 ( +3 / -0 )

Get a hooker boys, they'll show you what to do.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

If he had to learn from nude models in art class that women's bodies differ, his case is probably terminal.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

How about not killing her or tying her up in your closet if she doesn't want to have sex at that moment.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Would love to know how many of these guys still live with mommy. Based on what I have seen around me for the past 34 years, I'd say it's well over 50%. I've have witnessed many mothers pushing girls away from their sons in fear they'll lose their son. (True stories)

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

I've have witnessed many mothers pushing girls away from their sons in fear they'll lose their son. (True stories)

Wow. Are you serious? I've yet to witness that. Sad.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I think there is nothing wrong with being a 40 year-old virgin. What's wrong is that some guys mentioned in this article are not satisfied with it. If you are satisfied with being single or a virgin, that's good.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Only twice in his life has he had romantic and sexual feelings for a woman—the first time in his mid-twenties and then again two decades later.

And that is probably why you see so many women with butter dogs.

Moderator: Don't ever post filth like this again.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Too many rules and too much separation in society has created this inevitable outcome. People got to get Footloose

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Over 40, no sex and no woman in his life..... in many western countries this would indicate a happy man with no grey hairs and a pocketful of cash. And he certainly would not have been contibuting thousands of dollars to keeping greedy and unscrupulous divorce attorneys rich.

But seriously he should keep looking. Woman over 40 have a lot to offer, easier to have a sensible conversation with, don't hassle you to spend every night out on the dance floor, have their cooking skills well refined, are far more motivated and are happy to satisfy. And good on them for that.

Sometimes when your cup appears half empty, it is actually half full.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

“It’s not like I’m not interested. I admire women.

Fundamental mistake in approach. Do not admire, they are not Michelangelo statues. They are just humans, so talk to them.

where he sketches naked women as part of a scheme to help participants understand the female body

What a stupid idea, what a waste of time. It is not art class, you are not training artists. To "understand the female body" they just can watch some porn. They problem is, first of all, psychological, they can`t socialize with women, and they should be helped with that. Without that you can draw pictures for years without results.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

For young blokes, some of them might be caught between the old paradigm of "thou shalt be stably employed breadwinner" and the new paradigm of work on increasingly temporary contracts and crap wages without the benefits the previous generation got. The result of not them being able to live up to some unrealistic ideal is simply to give up.

On the whole though, as pointed out, the main problem is that Japan's gender relationships are screwed up. Everything is based on fantasy or outdated stereotypes of what a "man" or a "woman" should and shouldn't be doing.

Possibly another factor in this particular case is that socially challenged people like the gentleman in the story would once have been matched up by omiai, which has gone out of favour. The socialization of young Japanese people has not changed quickly enough to provide other ways for men and women to get together. I bet most couples who met at go-kon still tell people they met "through mutual friends" or some other bs story. The idea of nanpa kekkon is still looked down upon.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Wc626

most japanese guys (who find themselves in their sexless situation) will not attempt to make friends

Building friendship like plating trees. It will not happen overnight or it can not force like Marines landing on the Normandy beach.

Having some female friends does not mean he will be automatically entitled for their sexual favor and romantic relationship. Romance should be blossomed as spring flowers.

That 40yrs old guys lack the courage for facing the rejection. If they travel to Venezuela, Brazil or Philippines, they will lose their virginity within a few weeks. It does not means they have got their dream partner in the real life. They live in their dream world because it is more comfortable for them.

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

40 year old virgins, wow! Back in my college/university days I had an acquaintance (average looking guy) who had a date three or four times per week with different women and his ability to score according to him was over 90%. I asked him how did you get some many dates and scores. He said, it's all based on the laws of probability. He told me that he would go around campus to all his classes and to the student social gathering areas and ask at least ten girls per day if they wanted to go out and have a good time. Mind you during that time there were almost 20,000 students on campus, over 60% female, like shooting fish in a barrel he said. Out of 10 women he asked at least one or two would say yes. Hey, women like it as much as the guys and it is not hard work. I tried his technique and holy cow it worked. If you can't get a date and score in any large cosmopolitan city in Japan or elsewhere then your not even trying.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Hawkeye: ... Back in my college/university days ...

How'd he find time for coursework?

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I can understand the over 40 and not married and not in a relationship, but if he is truly hetrosexual then surely he should be having sex??

1 ( +1 / -0 )

What I can't comprehend is how they can still be virgins at age 40. Japan isn't and never has been a puritanical country. As has been mentioned, there are plenty of places men can go to if they wish to indulge in an erotic experience with gals working in the world's oldest profession. I think what they mean is that they can't attract a woman and have sex with her without paying for it. 90 percent of women that men try to attract, and not necessarily hit on, are either lesbians, distrustful of men because of past experiences, or are already in a relationship. That leaves about 10 percent of the female population open to a meaningful relationship. Art class ain't gonna help. It may sound cliched but shoot for the stars. If you miss, try and try again. Or read Neil Strauss's game, David DeAngelo's attraction stuff etc.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

This is a sad story alright, but not for the reasons the article offers. And these feelings of inability or whatever are certainly not going to help these men in any way.

"“In the past two decades, the situation for Japanese men has been very tough and competitive"

Ummm.. hate to break it to this person, but the situation has been FAR tougher economically for men and women in other nations than in Japan, so that's a lame excuse. If it's truly the reason than no one in Greece should be having sex, but I bet they are. A lack of self-confidence could most certainly be the reason for the inability of these men to get some nookie, but that's not the economy's fault. There are women for whom it is all about money -- but they aren't worth the time, and certainly don't make up all the women on the planet.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Well said Smith. I used to know a dude who was, let's say, not what you'd call handsome. He was unemployed, broke and not exactly fashionable when it came to dress sense. But he was able to attract women to the point that they'd crawl through a minefield filled with thumbtacks just to kiss his feet?! Bottom line, a lot of men these days are spineless. Cultural conditioning is to blame.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I firmly believe people who have lifelong partners they love are extremely fortunate.

"I used to know a dude who was, let's say, not what you'd call handsome. He was unemployed, broke and not exactly fashionable when it came to dress sense. But he was able to attract women to the point that they'd crawl through a minefield filled with thumbtacks just to kiss his feet?!"

Could we have the names of some of these women, please? Thanks!

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Hey Serrano. Perhaps I was being a little too simplistic. My point was that while men are primarily attracted to women based on how beautiful she is, after all we men are hard wired to mate with the healthiest females, women are attracted to a man's personality. Are good looks, a fancy sports car and stable career important? Yes, of course they are. But they aren't as important as men think they are. It's all about the 'tude. If a man can convey himself as ''high status'' then that's all there is to it. If you can get a woman laughing, you can get her into bed.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

What love got to do with it!

1 ( +1 / -0 )

All the hypocritical, unsympathetic, uninterested advice here can be summarized like this: "you just have to keep trying" "you got to learn how to deal with rejection" "meh, others can! There must be something wrong with you" And the classic "Because Japan's society blah blah blah"

So where is equality?

Why don't women try? Why don't women approach and risk rejection? Where are the voices for equality complaining that, when it comes to approaching, women are still expected to leave all the work to men, and it's men and only who are laughed at when the approach fails?

It's easy to call a man "dirty", "ugly", "old" and a "creeper" when your part in the play is only to sit on your ass and push the accept/reject button.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

but Japanese people across the board appear to have less sex than those in other developed countries. not true, completely false Not false, completely true: http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/poorest-list/the-10-least-sexually-active-

Make of this what you want. False, not false. Common knowledge, shocking stats, some reports. Right, total bullocks. How were the data gathered, who responded, margin of error? It seems these surveys are conducted to prove a preconceived result. Give me a break.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Why don't women try?

Good point. There is too much variation/diversity between western culture and japan to answer that.

Naturally, western women are just more assertive than japanese. Whereas, a japanese woman displaying this attitude would be considered rude or unladylike. Asian women (in general) worry too-too much about 'losing face' a lot more than western women. This is why they don't risk rejection.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

I was thinking about something similar this morning in London actually. I was laughing at myself at how terrified I was of asking girls out when I was younger. My younger day tactics were: just be easy going, silly and most of all just make the girls laugh. I used to always wait and let the girls 'attack' me..and YEAH I missed many good opportunities of course back then....but a few did grab me woohoo! So it sort of worked..at least with this tactic I gained some confidence! In fact my (ex) Japanese girly grabbed me in London 3 years ago so woo again..it worked! But yeah dating in my teens and early twenties...that was scary back then. There's a great Simpsons sketch when Abe Simpson is trying to ask Bee out and says "You'd think this would get easier after 80 years" LOL Now I'm 43, I'm still cheeky and silly and I have no fear of being rejected, which is so nice! Man it's great to be like this. These guys have just got to a) relax, b) be silly) and c) crash and burn a few times to realize nothing bad is going to happen.

BTW I'm single and available mature Japanese ladies! Come and get me! :)

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Lasolitaria,

"Why don't women try? Why don't women approach and risk rejection? Where are the voices for equality complaining that, when it comes to approaching, women are still expected to leave all the work to men, and it's men and only who are laughed at when the approach fails?"

Women have a "vagina" and other desirable body parts. That's why they don't have to try at all usually. I may be totally wrong on this, but when I lived in Japan from 1995-2005 it was fairly common to have a gyaku-nanpa (girl picking up guy) experience in the Tokyo/Yokohama area. Can't say about the rest of Japan, though. For you men out there living in Japan please satisfy my curiosity. Is gyaku-nanpa still alive and strong?

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Why don't women try? Why don't women approach and risk rejection?

It's the males that have the gaudy peacock tails, the luscious lion manes, the imposing antlers. Complain about the lack of equality all you want, it isn't only a you-man problem (If it is a problem).

it's men and only who are laughed at when the approach fails

You could spare a thought for the females who never get approached. They get laughed at plenty.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

It's the males that have the gaudy peacock tails, the luscious lion manes, the imposing antlers. Complain about the lack of equality all you want, it isn't only a you-man problem (If it is a problem).

@ cleo: I have a coworker who would be a nice catch for one of these guys, a quiet Japanese woman who lives alone, and doesn't do all of the guady things you see some Japanese women doing with their time. Yet she is alone and sits in her apartment on weekends doig nothing. I along with others (including a foreign woman in our office who takes her to events like balls and other social events with her husband in hopes of trying to help her meet a guy) try to help, and she gives us the standard, "I want to meet someone" but she does nothing to actually change her situation.

She is just too "Japanese" in a way waiting for the matchmaker/parent to introduce her to the person she is supposed to marry, and doesn't want to go out and do the ground work to find someone. I have often told her go out, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person and going out to eat at a resturant or nice place alone to first of all enjoy yourself and maybe while doing so meet someone doesn't make you a bad person or seem desperate. Yet after all the recommendations people give, she just goes home and sits and waits.

So yes women have to be able to go out and interact as well as men if they want to meet someone.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

lasolitaria:

This is an article about male virgins. The solution for male virgins probably isn't 'wait for women to approach you', so your comment isn't fully relevant to the discussion.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Alphaape: the peahens, lionesses and does don't hide away at home during the mating season. Your friend sitting alone in her apartment isn't doing herself any favours, if she's in the market for a mate. Females have to be visible to be approached. So yes women do have to be able to go out and interact if they want to meet someone, but lasolitaria's demand for 'equality' (aka everybody is the same) is off the mark. Vive la difference.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

@DiscoJ Check your reading comprehension. My post is clearly not about the content of the article. My post is clearly about "the hypocritical, unsympathetic, uninterested advice", i.e., the comments on the content of the article. So it's very relevant.

@ShibuyaJay2 and @cleo When posters read about these 40yo virgins (or any virgin males anywhere), their typical advice is: "well, do this and do that and keep trying, someday you'll succeed". No one doubts that men must do the work. Aren't we in the 21st century? Why do posters automatically jump to an scenario where the man has to do all the work?

Ah, because we know it'd be counterproductive for men to expect women to approach them. So people say as ShibuyaJay2: since it's women who have what men desire, men are expected to do the chase. But this idea has a dark implication: that men don't have what women desire, so women aren't expected to do the chase. Is that true? Am I to understand that women don't really like men and a great effort is needed to "conquer" them? Or is a better explanation that women also want what men have but they won't do the chase because it's hard and they can't risk being rejected and having their pretty little feelings hurt.

"Well, but these men are unattractive; that's why women won't approach them". But don't we hear all the time that women are enlightened beings who only care about "what's inside"? Why no woman has made a move to try and discover what "beautiful things" these men may have "in their hearts"? Of course, that'd be unrealistic... but why doesn't it happen?

Here's the thing: if a man complains that he isn't approached by women because he's unattractive, people will say "well, women like this and that, so do and act accordingly; anyway, find a solution or deal with it" and then think "what a nuisance this guy is". He's regarded as unrealistic and even entitled. How dare he expect women to approach men, let alone unattractive men? But if a woman isn't approached by men because she's unattractive, people sympathize with her while chastising men for being superficial and caring only about looks. A suggestion like "well, you know men like pretty faces, hot bodies and blowjobs, so maybe get your face fixed, get a b00b job and a lipo, and then let men know you want to give blowjobs ", though realistic and guaranteed to get her laid, would be harshly criticized and booed into oblivion.

if people are supposedly striving for equality, why do these expectations still exist? It's hypocritical.

"Ah, but mating dynamics are a matter of natural differences; vive la difference". And I agree with that. But what if I say "well, women shouldn't work outside; they should stay at home cause they're naturally fitted to take care of children"? Oh, the mere thought! I'd get torches and pitchforks.

If we're going to be equal at any cost, we better be equal in all respects.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

These blokes should listen to "Amateur Hour" by Sparks. It's full of sound advice.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

My reading comprehension is okay I think. The comments are as they are because the article is about men who have issues with women and who are going as far as to attend a 'Virgin Academia'. If the article was about the (probably) increasing proportions of single women, or a more general piece about dating/sex/relationships in Japan, you'd undoubtedly see more of the kind of 'well, women need to put in effort too, they shouldn't just wait for a man' comments that you're apparently looking for. 'Hypocrisy' doesn't apply. 'Equality' is irrelevant.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Why no woman has made a move to try and discover what "beautiful things" these men may have "in their hearts"? Of course, that'd be unrealistic... but why doesn't it happen?

Maybe some woman has. I'm sure it does happen. But if/when it does, that man whose 'beautiful things' were discovered by some enlightened woman escapes the fate of the sad 40-year-old virgin, and Lifestyle doesn't write an article about him. He slips happily and anonymously below the radar.

Look around you; there are lots of couples who are obviously very happy, but viewed from outside the relationship, the question that strikes the rest of us is What on earth does s/he see in her/him?

people are supposedly striving for equality

Equality doesn't mean the same in everything.

what if I say "well, women shouldn't work outside; they should stay at home cause they're naturally fitted to take care of children"?

You can't go around telling people how they should or should not lead their lives. If a woman wants to work outside the home, you can give her advice on how to do that; if she wants to stay at home and have babies, you can give her advice on how to make that happen. If someone wants to meet members of the opposite sex, you can give them advice on how to do that. But you have no business telling people what they should or should not want.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

@Disco J

Exactly, this is an article about men who have issues with women. Not with cars or computers, but women. The difference is that women have agency. Whether a man has a relationship or not is at the very least half decided by a woman. You can’t have a discussion on relationships that’s purely about men or women. So whenever men’s issues with women are discussed, comments on women are relevant, and vice versa.

We have an article about men who are unsuccessful with women. Posters say “well, you should try this and that”, based on the assumption that men have to do the work when it comes to relationships. I can’t think of a situation where a comment like “wait, how come women aren’t expected to do the work too?” would be more relevant.

Articles about successful, educated, independent women in their 40s who complain that they’re still not married are flooded with comments like “why don’t men approach these women?”. Hell, even articles about mothers who can’t find jobs are flooded with comments like “why don’t fathers help wives?”. Now imagine yourself posting “this article is about women who have issues with men so those comments are irrelevant”. Do you seriously not see how absurd that is?

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

You can’t have a discussion on relationships that’s purely about men or women. So whenever men’s issues with women are discussed, comments on women are relevant, and vice versa.

Comments about women of course are relevant. Accusations of 'hypocrisy' and references to 'equality' are different matters. This is why I originally said 'isn't fully' relevant rather than 'is not at all'.

We have an article about men who are unsuccessful with women. Posters say “well, you should try this and that”, based on the assumption that men have to do the work when it comes to relationships. I can’t think of a situation where a comment like “wait, how come women aren’t expected to do the work too?” would be more relevant.

On JT, I think the general assumption is more that people who want relationships have to do the work/be willing to compromise when it comes to relationships. This is regardless of whether they are male or female. That's what most of the non-'the culture is messed up' posts in this thread boil down to. If you want something, you go and get it. Trying to turn that into some kind of gender equality issue was overblown and unnecessary in my view, hence my initial comment. Maybe in thread about the general declining births and marriages.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

@cleo

Equality doesn't mean the same in everything.

Well, that’s what you say. Every group that talks about “equality” has a different definition. And yes, some indeed say equality means “the same in everything” (because our differences are social constructs and all that). That’s why we have quotas.

I don’t care about what they say “equality” is, I care about what they do. And what I find is that “equality” seems to mean “we’re equal when it suits women, we’re not when it doesn’t”, with no clear cut criterion. So equal pay in every job, no matter different choices and performance? “yes, because we’re equal”; equal distribution of key political positions, enforced through the power of the State? “sure, we’re equal”; equal representation in the upper echelons of business, academia and the scientific community, promoted through programs funded by taxes we all pay? “sure, we’re equal”; equal expectation to approach the opposite sex? “oh no no no, we’re not equal! Vive la difference!”.

You can't go around telling people how they should or should not lead their lives.

No one is doing that. Didn’t you notice the “what if I say” part?

Anyway, I’m not and have not advocated for equality. I won’t hide for a single moment that I’m not a believer in “gender equality”. I’m just pointing out the lack of consistency.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Utter bollocks. The survey is five years old. It comes from an organization that appears to be little more than a one man band. The Japanese language site is rather vague about how the survey was done and the sample size appears to be quite small and probably unreliable.

Further, where is the comparative data? Even if this survey was reliable, it means nothing without comparable surveys for other countries.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Once a male is over 40 it is really too late to find a partner HERE if you want to have a family. The women are too old from a physiological perspective. Save your self the time, effort and emotional stress and find a nice women half your age from the Phillipines or Thailand for example.

Everybody disliked this comment, and I see why. But sad (and bordering on the immoral) as this may be on many levels, this is probably the most realistic advice for these guys. In reality many Japanese men on the countryside are already doing this.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

While sheep remain blocking themselves, wolves are still wolves. This issue is a heartache because all women need is just more wolves in the jungle out there ⊙_ʘ.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Easy way to get laid or at least, a GF; work hard, leave home and get your own place.

Stop living with mummy and daddy and the world has more opportunities.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

it they're cute I'm willing to help.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Must be a horrible feeling realising that you have left it too late or wasted too many chances. At least for the women. The men can still import a younger, pretty girl to have a family with.

-3 ( +1 / -4 )

The men can still import a younger, pretty girl to have a family with.

Import a young, pretty girl? In the same way we import cars and electronics? What a disgusting thing to say, way to support human trafficking. I wonder qhat your wife thinks about this.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

What a disgusting thing to say, way to support human trafficking.

Marrying someone and bringing them into the country is not human trafficking.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Marrying someone and bringing them into the country is not human trafficking.

No, but 'importing,' his words not mine, certainly is.

Import: bring (goods or services) into a country from abroad for sale.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Import: bring (goods or services) into a country from abroad for sale.

Import: the act of importing or bringing in; importation, as of goods from abroad:

I don't see anything about 'sale' in that definition.

The original comment was crass, but doesn't imply human trafficking.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

The original comment was crass, but doesn't imply human trafficking.

Well, what the hell else do you call importing young, beautiful women?

Lets not get into semantics here.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Well, what the hell else do you call importing young, beautiful women?

Marriage.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Marriage.

As I've already pointed out, importing is " Import: bring (goods or services) into a country from abroad for sale."

That's not marriage, it's trafficking.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

As I've already pointed out, importing is " Import: bring (goods or services) into a country from abroad for sale."

And as I already pointed out, importing is: the act of importing or bringing in; importation, as of goods from abroad

Using it as a term for marriage is crass, but it's not trafficking.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

And as I already pointed out, importing is: the act of importing or bringing in; importation, as of goods from abroad

So, women are no different than goods to be used abroad?

Ahem human trafficking

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Stay on topic please.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Some guys are thinking that this bloke has had a lucky escape, why you may ask< well he's not been nagged to do the washing up or put the toilet seat down, etc etc, no mood swings once a month, his wallet has not been raided for money for more cosmetics, and so on, and possibly deforce papers from a solicitor, but he has missed out on the close bond that a wife/partner could brings and also he's probably lost out on the joyful feeling that a child brings.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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