Resilience is key to stress management and stronger performance. And it is something we should teach our children from a very early age.
As a very young toddler, my son frequently grew frustrated when attempting tasks. He often gave up easily when something proved too hard, asking for me to finish it. As a parent who prizes independence, I found this lack of effort alarming, even for a child so young.
I wanted to see my son persist in challenging tasks and not give up on the first struggle. If he didn’t succeed at first, I wanted him to try again. Most importantly, I believed that what I taught him at two years old would shape the way he approached life in the future, and I wanted to give him tools to be self-reliant.
My Japanese-language teacher told me about a Japanese proverb that perfectly encapsulated what I wanted to teach.
Nana korobi ya oki (Fall down seven times, get up eight).
What I really wanted was for my son to learn resilience, like the proverb says. I didn’t want him to work only toward ‘success,’ but to keep trying. I want him to keep pushing himself no matter the obstacles life throws his way.
Ganbatte vs Good Luck
As I was thinking of ways to teach resilience to my son, a friend happened to say, ‘Good luck!’ to me after I told her about my upcoming plans to climb Mt. Fuji. It struck me then that there is a vast difference between an American mindset and a Japanese one in how we approach big challenges in life. An American would say, ‘Good luck!’ before a big exam or presentation. In Japan, you’d say Ganbatte! —which roughly translates to “do your best!“
Praising effort — instead of linking the result to luck or natural ability — is a relatively new parenting ‘insight’ in the United States. However, it has been part of the Japanese child-rearing culture throughout its history. After decades of encouraging children with phrases such as “You are so smart” in the States, a groundbreaking study from researchers at the University of Chicago and Stanford indicated parents should instead praise their children for effort, with “You worked so hard!”
Instead of limiting children by telling them what they already are, encourage them to believe their potential is limitless. They can be and do whatever they like as long as they put in the hard work and effort. By praising the effort, you encourage them to put in even more.
So, to start, I focused on repeating, “We always try again,” whenever my son’s frustration set in.
The Power of ‘Yet’
It was actually an internet meme that encouraged me to rethink the way I speak to my children by adding one simple word: “Yet.”
Instead of “I don’t know,” “I can’t understand,” or “I can’t do this,” it becomes:
“I don’t know… yet.”
“I can’t understand… yet.”
“I can’t do this… yet.”
This powerful change in thinking is put into practice in Japan, where students of all abilities learn together (including school club activities). At lunch with a Japanese friend, gushing over our experience at a traditional kindergarten, my friend pointed out that American school systems did have some advantages, at least from her point of view: children can move ahead based on natural ability.
American children might be put into accelerated learning classes for students deemed ‘gifted’ or even skipped ahead a year in elementary school. Children who are struggling with subject matter might be asked to repeat a grade.
While my friend felt this system was admirable, psychologist Angela Duckworth in her best-selling book Grit, sees it differently. In her work, the Japanese school system is held up as a model of teaching resilience, or as Duckworth terms it, ‘grit.’
“Instead of dividing kids up [in Japanese schools], there is a pervasive belief — reinforced in school — that it’s less about what you’re born with than what you do,” Duckworth writes. Some children might have more natural abilities in math, some in art and some in music. Yet the schools don’t promote natural ability. Instead, they teach that with effort, anyone can become competent at any skill. Children might just not know how to do something… yet.
Duckworth goes on to make the persuasive case that Japanese schools’ focus on teaching effort rather than solely rewarding natural ability can have a multitude of other benefits, including increased school satisfaction.
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11 Comments
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Gene Hennigh
This is so true. I wasn't as good at this as I wish I were, but I always encouraged my daughter to try again. In my childhood I was told that I would never amount to anything. When my kid came along I told her she could excel at anything if she kept trying. I wasn't as good as this article suggests, but it touches close to what I tried to be. (She did okay. Bachelor's degree at 18, owns a growing business, and she is happy.)
nickybutt
If the Japanese are so resilient then why is the suicide rate so high?
Is there any evidence to show that Japanese children are more resilient than children from other countries?
Moonraker
Didn't I read this kinda thing 35 years ago: American this versus Japanese that? Maybe neither of these childrearing or school methods are much good really. I mean, the outcomes are not that great in the end in either place. And I certainly would not have known perseverance was a big thing if all I knew were my Japanese university students in the past.
Bret T
“Instead of dividing kids up [in Japanese schools], there is a pervasive belief — reinforced in school — that it’s less about what you’re born with than what you do,” Duckworth writes. Some children might have more natural abilities in math, some in art and some in music. Yet the schools don’t promote natural ability. Instead, they teach that with effort, anyone can become competent at any skill."
I agree with teaching the kids to continue trying when they fail and that their potential is limitless. Of course this is good. But what the author describes as typical Japanese schooling philosophy must be very frustrating for the kids who do have those natural abilities that the author admits are present. Seems the lesson for them is " we know you have these abilities but stay in your place like everyone else". Resilience... or acquiescence?
I see no harm in recognizing and developing natural abilities. It does not harm the other students. Kids learn really quickly who is best at math, who can run the fastest, who can play a musical instrument the best,..
But that's only my opinion. In the end, Japanese schools need to do what Japanese parents want them to do. Here in the US, we are in a period where parents are trying to regain control of what/how schools are teaching our children. It seems to have slipped away due to lack of attention by parents. I hope Japanese parents stay more involved and prevent a similar situation.
kohakuebisu
This all sounds like in praise of "ganbaru". Most people who've spent time in Japan will have their own opinion about this.
If the author wants to know about Japanese schools, she should wait until her child is old enough and enter the child into one. I am confident that it will give her a better picture of what they are like than a US "best-selling" self-help book written by someone overseas who's probably never set foot in a Japanese school or talked to a wide range of parents who have.
Hawk
A rising tide may float all boats, but an ebbing tide lowers them. It sounds like a great way to suppress imagination, flair, excellence and talent. Kids who have high natural abilities are taught to be merely competent.
The Japanese high school kids I used to teach were far from resilient. They could barely do a thing for themselves and anytime anything 'off-script' took place, they were deer in headlights.
bass4funk
Bingo!
iron man
Tides go out and then return Yet again? Going back some years, I recall the bento box being packed into a liitle rucksack, I think the rucksack had a red card in the 'wallet'. the door being opened and son buzzing off to meet the new people in his life. independence encourages resilience. I do not know if it is common now. most places now have school buses, child runs in enormously over sized cars whatever. resilience is not an educational qualification.
hobnob
The main point of the article is that there are certain linguistic turns of phrase that are the key variable in building resilience in children. These are basically cognitive interventions, and while they may be effective to some degree, there is evidence that they are an 'add-on' effect to other aspects of child-rearing that occur before children can speak and understand language. The baseline for a person's emotional self-regulation and level of stress reactivity (keystones of resilience and moral functioning) is fairly well set by age 3. The best book I've read on this and the one book I wish I'd read before I had children is Darcia Narvaez's "Neurobiology and the Development of Human Morality". Once I read that, I started to understand why cultural differences in baby care can result in such difference outcomes.
Tekla
Aren't they tired praising everything of Japan just because they do something differently without really understand the culture or language. The author of the article seems like doesn't know the whole picture of education and work environment in Japan. Ganbaru culture is not about resilience but to make you work hard until they break your spirit. In Japan working doesn't mean doing what you're good at but doing what you're told to do. They hire people not according to their abilities but how hard have they worked in high school to enter the best possible universities. And the entrance exams are just multiple choice tests, their work is just to memorize information and someone else's opinions. My students in Kyoto university that supposed to have worked super hard to get thier have no idea what is going on in world, in their society, outside their textbooks and are absolutely disinterested. Japanese generations become more and more repressed, out of opinion and just OK doing what their elderly and bosses tell them to do until they're physically exhausted and their souls broken. This is the ganbaru culture. Everyone who have studied and worked in Japanese universities and high schools know it. just because it's different than US it doesn't mean it's good. Neither of these countries are known for good education. There are plenty of people in Japan doing research about these problems. If you write an article do it with responsibilty and not just based on some impressions of Americans new to culture and full of excitements. Ask the professionals working on Japanese society for years.
el
I don't think Japanese are especially resilient at all. There's a certain endurance that folks are good at - that comes out after disasters - but I think that's different from resilience because people are taught to face quakes and trained in disaster drills from an early age, so in a sense there's a script for it.
If things in life go off-script here, I think there's often trouble in responding to it, especially in healthy ways. Especially because the "ganbaru" spirit is hyped so much; folks with mental health issues tend to think they're at fault because they should have tried harder, rather than being encouraged to see it as illness.