When looking for love, it’s important to evaluate a potential romantic partner as a basket of their attractive and unattractive qualities. No one person is perfect, and so moving forward with a romance is largely a decision born of the positives outweighing the negatives, as opposed to finding a flawless ideal.
That said, there’s a limit to how much human beings can compromise and still be happy. Japanese survey site Minna no Koe recently posed the question “What characteristics in a woman would make you think it’d be impossible to have a romance with her?” Responses were tallied from 869 male participants, and below are their top seven unclearable hurdles.
7. Her speech or body language are masculine (chosen by 6% of respondents)
While any language has certain words and phrases more likely to be used by one gender than another, the delineation is particularly stark in Japanese, though, where men and women often use different words even for the pronoun “I,” and once a woman’s speaking style exceeds a certain level of machoness, some guys said they couldn’t cope.
6. She often complains or talks about being unhappy (6.3%)
While no one likes a complainer, cutting someone out of your potential dating pool just because they’re currently unhappy might sound kind of cold-hearted. At the same time, it’s pretty common knowledge that misery loves company, which might explain why these men were wary of entering into a relationship with a woman if so many of their interactions revolve around discussing dissatisfaction.
5. She’s considerate only towards the person she’s got a crush on (6.9%)
It’s the “only” part that was the hang-up here, which perhaps isn’t so surprising in a society like Japan’s, where being group-minded and showing concern for the feelings of others are regularly held up as virtues of the highest order.
4. She’s got a selfish, princess-like mentality (18%)
The flip-side of not being particularly considerate towards other people, this red flag has the added issue that Her Highness’ boyfriend will have to attend to her every whim.
3. She looks like she’s having so much fun when she’s bad-mouthing other people (19.3%)
Even if you agree with her sentiments, it’s pretty hard to enjoy your time with a girl who’s favorite thing to do is trash other people behind their backs, because who knows what she’s going to say about you when you turn yours?
2. She’s wasteful and poor at managing her finances (19.4%)
Thinking long-term, cohabitating with a romantic partner means not only sharing a home, but your finances as well, and many respondents who were thinking long term didn’t relish the idea of bailing out a girlfriend or spouse who can’t control her spending.
1. She has poor hygiene (20.4%)
And finally, the top choice is, in certain ways, the opposite of the number-two response. Whereas poor finances is mainly a problem for serious couples in the future the issue is much more in the here-and-now if someone’s hygiene is spoiling the mood through visual or olfactory means.
But with both being legitimate concerns, why did poor hygiene receive more votes? Maybe because financial woes can be the result of poor past choices, the lingering effects of which can take months, if not years, of difficult lifestyle changes to sort out. On the other hand, a lot of hygiene problems can be eliminated with regular showers and basic grooming, and if someone still finds those countermeasures too troublesome after reaching adulthood, she’s not likely to change her attitude in the future.
Source: Minna no Koe
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32 Comments
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Maria
Smoking's not there, then?
Just a user
No, why would it
Maria
Because it is offputting to many people, due to the health risks, cost, and lack of hygiene (smell and taste).
But those three points are mentioned elsewhere, so maybe that's why it isn't listed as an actual reason in itself.
jcapan
Giggling like a child.
Dressing like a 14 year old princess.
Having no opinions about anything other than food and vacations in the tropics.
A looong pause when I ask what's the last book you read as opposed to utter radiance when the topic of shopping comes up.
Pancake makeup that makes it impossible to imagine what she really looks like.
Lack of eye contact. I know it's cultural and often an affectation, but being demure or furtive oozes a lack of confidence. I want to marry (and did) an equal not a submissive follower.
And the absolute deal-breaker, saying shufu ni naritai!commanteer
I basically wouldn't want to date a woman who smokes, but the items here (except for #7, which is a bit weird) are all bigger deal breakers.
I think the author misunderstands this one. It's not to do with Japanese group culture. If a woman treats me great but everyone else like dirt, just because she has a crush on me, what happens when the crush fades? Then I become dirt as well.
Old advice that still applies: Watch how she treats the waiter/waitress or other such people. Because that is exactly how she will be treating you in the future.
Maria
I think it's a pretty general list. In broad terms, they don't want a partner who is potty-mouthed, unkempt, spoiled, immature, unkind, selfish, negative, and spendthrift.
I wouldn't be surprised if the list works when applied to unwished-for characteristics in male partners as well.
Strangerland
Those would pretty much all be deal breakers for me too.
Just a user
well not to those questioned it isn't. It may be to you but the article is not about you or about smoking
Mocheake
If she's a stunner, most guys I know won't even care about any of those.
Wakarimasen
Jcapan
If you live in Japan seems to me you are in the wrong country for finding your dream girl.
not sure why smoking would be offputting ion general terms. for smokers it might be a plus.
otherwise many of these are not just bad traits in a woman but in any person.
another classic from rocketnews.
movieguy
@Mocheake - If guys are being honest, that's so true. Maybe these things are only deal breakers to get married.
jcapan
I do live here and a day doesn't go by that I don't think how lucky I got. We met before I even realized how rare she was. We both have grad degrees, have both always worked hard. She doesn't need makeup and doesn't care about fashion at all.
goldorak
Good list. Well it seems J blokes are wiser (or more demanding perhaps?) than most westerners who often end up with women who talk/walk/look like truckies, love bossing their men around, have a mega sense of entitlement, are bitter/negative about life/ppl (especially other women) etc.
Only point I may disagree with is n7. In my (limited) experience, I have the impression many J men find women who aren't 45kg, don't wear heels, skirts, make up (dolled up), long hair etc and don't have a squeaky little voice 'too' masculine for their liking.
thepersoniamnow
Girls that you know will change into the typical Grandma after kidz
No sex
No sleeping together
No personal money and certainly no credit card.
No say in the children or family matters
Mom has more influence in the family than you do.Maria
@justauser: Check yourself, and calm down. There was nothing but observation in my comments.
Nobody likes an angry person either - that ought to be on the list - which is what you sound like.
wtfjapan
No, why would it, because its a filty habbit that soils your clothing hair breath and fills your body with carcinogens, id say it fits under #1 hygene
The Original Wing
I'm a strong believer in the "test" of watching how she treats the server at a restaurant. That, to me, is a good indication of her true character and attitude towards others, much moreso than how she's treating me directly at the moment.
kizakick
Having fun Bad-mouthing other people is a big turn off for me
Wakarimasen
jcapan
Lucky you then. sounds like 1 in a million
cleo
These would surely all work the other way, i.e. traits that would make it impossible for women to date some men. Especially number 5, which should include animals and children as well as wait staff.
Over-macho men are a real turn-off. More brain than brawn, please.
Who wants to be with someone who's always complaining?
Don't forget the kids and critters.
You wanna be treated like Prince Charming, you gotta act like Prince Charming. Better still, let's just cut out all the acting on all sides and enjoy just being ourselves.
Bad-mouthing, not good.
If you're not both on the same page when it comes to finances, the relationship is basically doomed from the start.
Of course, goes without saying! BO, bad breath, black under the fingernails, bits of yesterday's soup in the beard, bits of lunch wedged in the teeth, all a big turn-off. Not to mention the stench of tobacco. No, it should certainly be mentioned. The stench of tobacco is not only disgusting in itself, it reflects on #2: who wants a man who literally burns his money? Also a person who's happy living the single life in a pigsty should raise a warning flag.cleo
The JT wizard magically and inexplicably reversed my numbering. 1 is 7, 7 is 1, and all the others fall in between.
Toasted Heretic
No big thing. Guys can cook.
Andrew Crisp
What about
Previously worked in the Porn or Red light industries
Cant hold down a job of any sortThese two would have to be in the top ones
Jalapeno
Don't be not smokin' hot
shallots
referring to oneself in the third person?
thepersoniamnow
It's just me, and obviously I can't blame Japan as that would be ridiculous, but I decided a long time ago I wouldn't marry a girl from here, unless she was totally different to 95% of her peers.
cleo
I decided a long time ago I wouldn't marry a girl from here, unless she was totally different to 95% of her peers
Your standards are low. I decided not to marry anyone from anywhere unless he was totally different from 99.99% of his peers. Luckily, I found him. Or we found each other.
thepersoniamnow
You got me on that one Cleo.
A long happy life to the both of you. I ended up grabbing someone from NY :)
Cliffy
1,2,3,4,6 are definitely no, I can stand the other 2.
toolonggone
Andrew Crisp What about Previously worked in the Porn or Red light industries. Cant hold down a job of any sort.
If she's worked in the porn or red light industries then she has held down a job, though it may be one you prefer she never have had and in an industry you've never availed yourself of, right?