lifestyle

Japanese men share a list of common male woes before and after marriage

96 Comments
By Krista Rogers, RocketNews24

Ladies, do you think that life is all fun and games for your male counterparts? As a multitude of men would have you know, that’s certainly not always the case.

The following list chronicling all the expectations and financial burdens placed on Japanese men both before and after marriage has been circulating the web. Of course, not to rule out the many challenges that women also face, myself being a woman, perhaps it would be better to just say that life can be a real drag for everyone.

Whoever compiled the following list is either extremely bitter about life or has experienced some of these hardships firsthand. While reading, remember that cultural, societal, and legal expectations for men and women in Japan are most likely different in at least some ways from those of your own country, and that this list compiles the reflections of only one individual. A few of the items seem a bit questionable in their harshness, but maybe the original author was just having a bad day…

Men prior to marriage

  1. The man is expected to confess his love, and eventually propose, to the woman.
  2. The man is always expected to pay for the meal.
  3. The man is expected to either give presents unconditionally, or to give presents worth three times as much as the presents his girlfriend buys for him.
  4. The man is always expected to make calls and send messages to his sweetheart.
  5. The man is expected to decide on the ideal location for a date, dinner, etc.
  6. The man must always give preference to his girlfriend’s opinions when it comes to dates.
  7. Women are allowed to judge men based on their income and appearance, but the opposite does not hold true.
  8. The man is expected to go and meet his girlfriend’s parents first.
  9. While meeting her parents, he must prostrate himself before them and endure a shower of criticisms from her father.
  10. The man’s side of the family is expected to offer up a large sum of money as an engagement gift.
  11. The man is expected to pay for the wedding ceremony and reception.
  12. The man is expected to pay for the engagement rings and other jewelry.

Men after marriage

  1. The husband is expected to pay for the honeymoon.
  2. The husband is expected to buy a house with his own money, and continue paying off loans until he dies.
  3. If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence].
  4. If the husband’s sexual advances come off too strongly, he becomes the perpetrator of DV.
  5. Even if the wife is a housewife, the husband is still responsible for a share of housework and childrearing.
  6. Regardless of whether he did or didn’t do the above, the man loses custody of the children and must pay alimony in the event of a divorce.
  7. Even if the man has a higher source of income, almost all of his visitation rights are taken and he must pay high child support.
  8. Even if the man wins custody of the children, he cannot seek child support from his former wife.
  9. Almost all of a husband’s salary is eaten up by extravagant purchases by his wife, school expenses for his children, gas and electricity bills, and food expenses.
  10. If the husband does not surrender the full amount of his salary, which he slaved away working for, to his wife, it can be considered DV.
  11. The husband must make due with the minuscule allowance he receives from his wife, but the wife is excused from taking secret savings out of his salary [Note: Traditionally, the wife is expected to keep track of all of the finances in a Japanese household].
  12. While the husband gobbles down a 380 yen (US $3.16) lunch at a beef bowl fast-food restaurant, his wife enjoys a 3,000 yen ($24.95) lunch at a sit-down restaurant.
  13. Husbands spend their entire lives living under the mantra “What’s his is hers, and what’s hers is hers.”

Needless to say, the lists provoked both sympathetic and incredulous reactions from online commenters:

“Eh, what a pain. Guess I’ll stay single for life.” “Are we talking about husbands, or slaves?” “We’re like livestock…” “You’ve left out taking care of your wife’s aging parents.” “I’m gonna get a sex change.” “I’d rather not think that all women are like this.” “There are probably households like that, but mine is different (^-^)” “How about writing a reasonable contract before marriage?”

Guys, if these lists are anything to go by, shelling out a load of cash might be part of your future if you’re settling down in Japan. Hopefully your future lives are filled with dramatically less bitterness than the author of this list.

Sources: Hamusoku, Tumblr

Read more stories from RocketNews24. -- Which Company’s Employee Would You Like to Marry? Nintendo Tops Rankings in Japan -- 5 powerful reasons to be a woman in Japan
-- Sakhalin as Seen From a Japanese Tourist in 42 Points

© Japan Today

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96 Comments
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If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence]. 4. If the husband’s sexual advances come off too strongly, he becomes the perpetrator of DV.

There's your problem right there, boss.

4 ( +7 / -3 )

If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence].

You lost me there.

8 ( +12 / -4 )

This sounds like someone compiled a list of all possible crappy things, and tried to claim that is how things are with all women.

If you are with a women where more than a couple of those are true, then you are with the wrong woman.

6 ( +13 / -7 )

Gross over generalisation of stereotypes aside,

“I’m gonna get a sex change.”

Made me laugh.

5 ( +9 / -4 )

Strangerland is right Dating should be a time of finding out about each other, not just gifts, meals, and love motels.

5 ( +7 / -2 )

Even if the wife is a housewife, the husband is still responsible for a share of housework and childrearing.

a share of the housework probably means 'tough' stuff like taking out the trash and rinsing out the bathtub. Poor guy. And 'share of childrearing' most likely means taking the kids to the park or something on Sunday. Oh, such a burden to spend time with your own kids, cry me a river.

2 ( +10 / -8 )

My wife and I share the housework, but she won't touch the trash or clean the toilet. What's up with that?

9 ( +13 / -4 )

If you are with a women where more than a couple of those are true, then you are with the wrong woman.

If you are with a woman where you perceive more than a couple of those to be true, she's with the wrong man.

No one likes a whiner.

-16 ( +8 / -23 )

This is SOOOOOO true.

The only way I will ever get married again is if the woman is extremely wealthy, has no other heirs, and is about to die.

8 ( +16 / -8 )

It sounds too one-sided. No wonder Japan's population is in decline. No wonder more & more Japanese remain single. That long list is pure madness.

5 ( +9 / -4 )

It sounds too one-sided.

That's because it's a one-sided list. If you took a bunch of bitter women, you could find a list just as long about men as well.

8 ( +14 / -6 )

I have heard it said the best way to deal with marriage and dating is this: It's better for her to be happy and you not, rather than you being happy and she's not.

Some of these are true and some are a bit exaggerated. I find it interesting that the man is expected to pay for the wedding, when in the USA it is normally the woman and her parents who spring for the wedding.

In regards to the housework, in the Ape house we both share the load and I actually don't mind doing the cooking and dishes and do it all the time.

I have seen so many American guys married to Japanese and other Asian women who have turned over complete control of the finances to the wife. They have even gone so far as to grant them access to the pay system web site (for those working with the military and Federal jobs) which has enabled the spouse to see exactly how much is being made, as well as how may days of leave are on the books etc.

My thoughts on this are probably a bit different. I believe that a man should provide support for his family, but I don't need someone to tell me how to spend the money I made heading out the door everyday to work. I am all for the spouse having their own account and will provide enough support to allow that, but the idea that i "owe" it to someone is something I just don't see.

8 ( +13 / -5 )

It just goes to show that Marriage in the world doesn't work today. Its a institution which is in decay- SUBLIME.

-2 ( +7 / -9 )

I have seen so many American guys married to Japanese and other Asian women who have turned over complete control of the finances to the wife.

My wife and I are half Western, half Japanese with this. She has control of our finances, as she pays all the bills, does all the shopping, and when we go out for dinner, she pays. At the start of each month, I take 100,000 yen for my own expenses/costs, and I use my credit card as necessary when going out with clients or whatever. And on the odd month where I run out of money, I take/get more.

9 ( +12 / -3 )

Best to set some rules before tying the knot. My wife and I decided that a purchase of over 10,000 yen requires a meeting / discussion about the necessity of buying said object. We almost always decide to spend the money, but it provides transparency about how much is being spent for what. Also, it prevents unnecessary spending because we are required to provide reasons.

13 ( +15 / -2 )

Reminds me of the kind of exaggerated conspiracy theories that float through MRA forums, MGTOWs, and the manosphere. Sad to see some of the worst traits of the west bleeding into the Japanese Internet, though maybe that's not the case and maybe it's just a side effect of Japan's own slow improvements with regards to the rights of women and anonymous members of the public being unable to deal with it.

I'm particularly suspicious of:

If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence].

I'd really like to see some evidence that this has backing in Japanese law before I accept that the people writing this list have the slightest clue what they're talking about.

1 ( +6 / -5 )

In Japan, seems like marriage is done more as business deal more than a vow of eternal love. I think a lot of women here expect way too much out of their husbands and give far less ROI.

15 ( +17 / -2 )

Most of this list tells me that the guy who wrote it , allows women and probably people in general to run all over him. I've known Japanese men who call their wives "hey" instead of their real names. There was also a TV show that encouraged women to call in and tell their stories about how bad their husbands were to them. So I would not give too much credence to this list. In my own experience in dating Japanese women in the past I found some believed they were a real catch when they were not. Most girls want to wait until they are 35 to 40 before they start a family not taking into account the biology of that. So some do live in a dream world of Denial, but that doesn't mean the men should.

7 ( +9 / -2 )

Japan is still too young for being compared to western social standards. They did not write their modern constitution and japanese men never ever in japanese history agreed to elevate women to the same level as man. Women had no rights up to 1945 and an american women wrote the women rights closure in the constitution. . . . thats your problem here.

70 years on and what you get is a disturbed social order with no cure insight. Nice men get abused by women now empowered using the still existing patriarchial rules to suck money and wealth from husbands. . . yet many evil man push their wives in to housewives family slavery Showa style!

And corporations are doing everything to keep the women profiles low. . . Toyota, Nippon Steel and alikes are still keeping their workforce as slaves with no freetime, no freedom and do everything to keep the patriatrchal family structures alive.

Keep in mind: Any man working in a car dealership in japan works 6 days a week, has never ever a saturday/sunday off, works morning to 7:00/8:00PM ( salesmen until 9:00/10:00Pm) and earn like 300.000Yen. They assume that their children do not need a father nor their wives a husband . . . family is mere an accessory like a car, everyone has it so me too. Of course you cant blame their wives for going mentaly ill, every japanese is intelligent enough to see that happiness is not living separate lifes. But lazy wasting years like this is more easy then actualy building a real family, where man and women fight for happiness, their happiness and their childrens. . . .

Japanese women find them selves still in tribal pre war social norms and rules that require them to live low profile under man rule, like in the middle east without the Burka and the religious asexual behavior. . . they only look opened on the streets, wearing cute sexy clothes, but thats just a small article in the constitution most men want ereased anyway. . . . even those men who accept women social rise, wouldn't blink an eye when Abe and co will erease the women rights article off the constitution in favor of an emergency article to save japanese low birthrates, resurecting pre war social order in japan.

That is whats happening.

-1 ( +6 / -7 )

Inner beauty has no price, it is a gift shared because we are greater together than alone. The only real prison is the one we make for ourselves.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Right Marcus. They sure do think that they are a "real catch" when actually they're ALL just mediocre with a nice LV and a pair of good shoes. Pathetic!

-4 ( +0 / -4 )

In Japan, seems like marriage is done more as business deal more than a vow of eternal love.

Traditionally it was. Things are changing to some degree, as people generally prefer to choose their own spouse now, rather than having their spouse chosen, but it's still an arrangement for a future life together as much as it is a partnership between two people who love each other.

To be honest, I think that while Japanese people generally place a little too much weight on the 'business' side of it, Westerners don't place enough weight on it. It's an important thing. Somewhere in the middle of the two cultures is a happy medium.

I think a lot of women here expect way too much out of their husbands and give far less ROI.

The reverse could be said as well. It all depends on the husband and/or wife.

Most girls want to wait until they are 35 to 40 before they start a family not taking into account the biology of that.

Not in Japan. Women want to start a family at/by 30 here. Japanese women feel 35 is becoming too old to have children.

6 ( +9 / -3 )

If more than a couple of those " expectations " are true BEFORE marriage, dump the princess real quick and find someone better.

5 ( +6 / -1 )

'Women are allowed to judge men based on their income and appearance, but the opposite does not hold true.'

Yes, it does. If she's skint or doesn't have reasonable earnings potential, don't call her again if money is important to you. I'd have no time for a skint partner destroying my plans for retirement at 50. Think about what you want and choose wisely. If you can't find a suitable partner, it's probably better to have an empty house than a bad tenant.

8 ( +12 / -4 )

If the whole "no sex after children" thing is true, then I would say that Japanese marriages are made for the "Soap Land" style arrangement. People had better find out that kind of thing early.

6 ( +9 / -3 )

Men don't judge women on their income and appearance?! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

8 ( +10 / -2 )

Aren't 5 and 6 in the "prior to marriage" section contradictory? Anyway, I'm happy to say that none of the points listed apply/applied to me.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

25 shades of grey.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

The big wedding hats that women wear at a traditional Shinto wedding are to hide the horns of the ogre that is about to emerge once the knot is tied. What is all this nonsense about finding out before you marry the woman?

6 ( +10 / -4 )

HA what a load of crap wish my Japanese husband would do half of his "male duties" yeah fat chance he is such a cheapskate i pay for every thing i did before we got married as well.

2 ( +6 / -4 )

i hate it when they make a list of things like this saying JAPANESE men are like this, JAPANESE women are like this.. blah blah..

the fact is, whatever the nationalities those men or women are, if you have a crappy partner, you're in a bad shape, if you have a good partner, then you're good..

Nothing to do with nationalities but it's more of a personality thing.

there are happy Japanese couples, there are unhappy Japanee couples, there are happy non-Japanese couples and there are unhappy non-Japanese couples. period.

10 ( +12 / -2 )

Whenever a woman lists off all of her ideal guy requirements, I ask her: "And, um, what do you bring to the table? Are you supremely hot, supremely intellectually stimulating, and/or supremely great in bed? If not, don't expect too much in return."

8 ( +11 / -3 )

The solution to most of these is to move from the 20th century into the 21st.

5 ( +7 / -2 )

@jalapeno. If your comment was directed to Japanese women, I'd say: supremely hot? so-so. Intellectually stimulating- no. Great in bed- not like western women. But, either way, you are right.

1 ( +6 / -5 )

"Men after marriage" many of those wouldnt be a problem if women went back to work after having children or had a job in the first place. I told my wife that if we were to get married and buy a home wed both have to work, she took time off when she had our children naturally. now that she has been working we are financially well off be able to pay off our home loans early ,put the kids through college and have money during retirement. if anybody thinks the J pension will support you when you retire youll be in for a shock. for all the women that have degrees they dont seem to want to use them. you dont need a degree to be a house wife.

3 ( +6 / -3 )

5. Even if the wife is a housewife, the husband is still responsible for a share of housework and childrearing

So, what's the problem? Just because your wife is a housewife, it doesn't mean you shouldn't take part in any housework or gasp actually being a father to your child.

3 ( +6 / -3 )

many of those wouldnt be a problem if women went back to work after having children

Yeah, coz we all know raising kids isn't work. Jes' shove 'em in a corner, chuck a couple of ready-meals at 'em once in a while, and in 18 years hey presto, they's fully growed and ready to take on the world.

you dont need a degree to be a house wife

But a better-educated mother makes for better-educated kids.

Gotta agree with fishy, all this Japanese this and Japanese that is tiresome. If you're not a match, you're not a match, and blaming it on your partner's nationality/ethnicity/gender is nothing but a feeble cop-out.

The answer to all 12 pre-marriage whines is - You're with the wrong person. Go find someone more suited to your own personal taste. Sort out these 12 and know the person you're marrying before you tie the knot, and the post-marriage problems shouldn't arise (though we all know some of them do even so - but if you're with your soulmate rather than some generic 'Japanese/Insert-any-other-nationality-here person', you'll be able to talk through the problem and find a solution that suits you both.) Applies to both men and women.

4 ( +7 / -3 )

The following list chronicling all the expectations and financial burdens placed on Japanese men both before and after marriage has been circulating the web.

I would love to see just on what site these "facts" came from. Sounds to me like some guy got the short end of the stick from his wife and decided to do some serious ranting. That mixed in with a generous dash of over-generalization and supposition and "presto" another "fact" about Japanese men was born.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Yeah, I think many of these are complaints old fashioned/backwards dudes from any country might have, not just Japan.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

Interesting article, I date plenty of Japanese women and sometimes some of these things pop up in conversation. I remember the first time I was told "when we get married, I will take care of the finances" to which I looked at her and laughed "Are you kidding me?, I work for it so I control it and give you an allowance." she didn't like that much. needless to say we are not married. I guess I should have mentioned to her I value money more than any women. The other thing I told a few other women "Im American so that does not apply to me, If you want to treat me like a push over then find yourself one from the local stock. If you want to be treated equally and on par with me". Also #9 on the prior made me laugh. The first time they met me I made sure establish my Alpha male dominance in the house.

5 ( +6 / -1 )

Yeah, coz we all know raising kids isn't work. Jes' shove 'em in a corner, chuck a couple of ready-meals at 'em once in a while, and in 18 years hey presto, they's fully growed and ready to take on the world.

No one likes a whiner.

5 ( +6 / -1 )

For those who things this man is putting his own case as general, there are at least a few of those statements that are true most of the time with Japanese women. Now it's a bit harder to support him when he says "If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence]."

2 ( +2 / -0 )

think*

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Wow so much bitterness - it's like a glimpse into the 1950s.

3 ( +5 / -2 )

Women want to start a family at/by 30 here. Japanese women feel 35 is becoming too old to have children.

Not necessarily. In fact, the Japanese women that I know don't even start panicking about marriage until 35, let alone maternity. I'm acquainted with so many unattached women in their forties and even fifties who are dreamily talk about "some day, when I get married and have kids." I do believe that a lot of them are psychologically stuck in the Bubble Era, when they had their pick of the men/jobs, and everything was possible.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

I do believe that a lot of them are psychologically stuck in the Bubble Era, when they had their pick of the men/jobs, and everything was possible.

And they are now regretting the fact that they let the "one" get away too because they probably figured there was a "better" one down the line!

1 ( +2 / -1 )

As an American woman married to an older traditional Japanese man, I can tell you it's not exactly an ideal life for a Japanese housewife. Maybe it's very different for younger couples, but in my case, since my husband is rarely ever home since he's always "working", I do 100% of the child rearing and housework. I am pretty much a single parent and money is very tight, to say the least. I must endure him coming home from nightly no earlier than 2am. His after hours work includes regular visits to expensive hostess clubs which more often than not he pays out if his own pocket. If I complain, the response I get is this is the way things are done here and when in Rome do as the Romans do. Most of his weekends are spent on work related golf outings too. But this is the price one pays for marrying a Japanese man.

6 ( +8 / -2 )

Most of these issues have nothing to do with nationality, but #9 does. As an American who spent my life earning and saving my money, I have no intention of 'turning over' control to my wife. We discuss things like two adults. There is no need to have the inherited cultural habit of female control of the finances in my household. It's really simple; it's just a decision I made about how 'my' money is being dealt with. It may sound kind of boring, but my Japanese wife and I simply talk about and respect what the other wants to do with the money.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

Not necessarily.

No, not necessarily. But as a generalization...

0 ( +1 / -1 )

If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife, he becomes the perpetrator of DV [domestic violence]. ...Assuming that she initiates in the first place after having kids!
0 ( +1 / -1 )

I was surprised too ! The husband come home and hav to start picking clothes from outside ! The wife actually awaits him to perform the chore ! Japanese Women don't want to carry anything and begin To morn its heavy even though it's so light ( Japanese buy only 3 things for the day - shopping small items everyday for dinner . Whilst foreigner shop for the whole week ) So it's light not heavy at all . Whist Japanese women want to look cute and famine ,( Kawai ) Outwards , there is a very bad side that many Foreighners hav no idea ! Sly and malicious practices here by women here is amazing ! They know very well to Act ! No wonder Japanese man want to marry foreign woman to give them warmth and love and what's more s Cozy house to go to '

2 ( +5 / -3 )

That's absolutely horrid if true. Somehow I lucked out.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Sounds like the list of my married male friends and/or divorced male friends. Thank God I escaped this hell.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

and in 18 years hey presto, they's fully growed and ready to take on the world. yeah right we all know how Japanese kids are so eager to leave home when they turn 18! LOL add to this all the peterpan syndrome kids that dont leave home, dad has to pay for there unbringing put them through college and save for both mum and dads retirement. Japanese men make less than they did 20 yrs ago and the average Japanese wage is certainly not enough to pay for everything. if you one of the lucky stay at home Japanese wives that has a husband that makes over 10million yen a yrs then your set. my mother brought up my two sisters and myself as a single working mother, we all now are married have children and successful businesses and independant enough to be living outside our countries of birth. to those that think that having a stay at home mum is somehow more beneficial for there children is just plain deluded. if our mother was like that to us I doubt we would be as independant as we are today. and we all know the problems of over mothering can do on kids.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

If I complain, the response I get is this is the way things are done here and when in Rome do as the Romans do. Most of his weekends are spent on work related golf outings too. But this is the price one pays for marrying a Japanese man.

Sounds bad. Imagine if he was the older son and you had to take care of his parents too...

1 ( +1 / -0 )

this is the price one pays for marrying a Japanese man

No, it's the price one pays for marrying a man whose lifestyle and aspirations do not match your own. I know plenty of Japanese men, of all generations, who do not spend every waking hour either working or frequenting hostess bars, who do not spend every weekend playing golf, who are not strangers to their kids and who do not treat their wives like unpaid housekeepers. And then there are the non-Japanese, so-called modern men, who actually and amazingly seem to be proud of their inability to share (It's my money, I earned it, snarl snarl)

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Wow, it's not an article, it just a horror story! Some points are true, but some really exaggerated.

The man is always expected to pay for the meal.

Eeeh? I had my share of asking girls out for a good drink at izakaya or a romantic dinner at good restaurants, and I never felt that it was my duty always to foot all the bill. Most of my dates sincerely tried to pay al least a part of the money. Of course, I never demanded to share expenses, but my dates never made me feel that it was my compulsory duty to treat them. Only one girl was different - she clearly said that she won't give a yen, it's "men must" thing, just like in the article. I was so buffled by her attitude (basically Japanese girls are much more polite) that I broke up with her after third date, and never regretted about that.

If the husband refuses the sexual advances of his wife

Unlikely scenario. Mostly it's another way around - a lot of Japanese wives shut out sex soon after marriage, particularly after a baby born. Several my friends met with this problem.

But hey, single guys, don't take this article too serious!! Japan has its share of goddamn princesses who behave exactly as described in this article, but also there are a lot of nice girls! It is not easy to get them, but at least try to find one! Be men, search and explore!!

1 ( +2 / -1 )

And then there are the non-Japanese, so-called modern men, who actually and amazingly seem to be proud of their inability to share (It's my money, I earned it, snarl snarl)

Not necessarily men! Take me, for example.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I like having my wife take care of the day-to-day finances. I have our retirement funds offshore. She's kind, fun, and still super hot after 14 years. My dream girl.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

If you talk to lots of Japanese men and women of different ages, this list is no real surprise. And many Japanese women will laugh at the list because they'll agree with it.

(Yes, you all can talk about how you are different and you know someone etc etc)

But, it's an interesting look into what goes on in many Japanese relationships.

The only one that SEEMS strange is the DV for withholding sex.

But go to your local city office and get the brochure about DV. Japan has gone from having no protection for women to going the other way. Read the list about what is included in DV and there are things like "ignoring" and "making fun of you in front of your friends" as being emotional abuse And if a woman goes there the people won't suggest counselling, they'll suggest just moving out. Then when a lawyer gets involved, most men in Japan won't see their kids again or much at all.

Again - domestic abuse is disgusting - but watch out for an increase in DV claims. Japan often swings from one side to the other of issues.

As others have said - just pick the right person when you get married. And it may not be romantic - but you're better off discussing finances, kids, roles, etc BEFORE you get married and don't just assume anything.

@Asakaze - of course a girl will offer to pay the bill or half. But if it's a REAL date a japanese woman would expect to be paid for (from a Japanese man). Probably she'd offer to pay, then if the man said Okay, she'd tell her friends who would be amazed that he accepted.

5 ( +5 / -0 )

If your life resembles even a third of that list...you're a sucker! If you think modern marriage benifits men, you're a sucker! If you let someone control the finances that you worked for all of you're life...sucker!

Now find a spouse that respects who you are and what you beleive in. If you feel you need a spouse. Many men are pressured into marriage. Bad marriages are many men's fault for picking on cuteness and eye appeal. Then they become hen-pecked suckers. Sorry....thumbs down away but to many lads today are natural born suckers who have drank all the 70's feminist kool aid.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

If you think modern marriage benifits men, you're a sucker!

I can't speak for other men, but marriage has been an excellent experience for me. My wife is awesome, and I love having a partner in life with whom I can discuss issues that I can't discuss with anyone else, with whom I can enjoy raising our children together. And I love the other things that come with it too - coming home to a warm dinner every day. Having my laundry taken care of for me. Being able to focus on my work as I don't have to worry about the the stuff at home.

If you let someone control the finances that you worked for all of you're life...sucker!

I do the work that actually brings in the money, but I have the freedom to take care of that work because my wife frees up my time by taking care of all the home stuff. As such, the money isn't mine, it's ours.

Now don't get me wrong, you are free to feel the way you do, but I would suggest you never get married, as your mindset shows that you will almost definitely end up divorced. A marriage is supposed to be a life partnership between two people, and your way of thinking is clearly focused on the self.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

After supporting myself for 45 years with no spouse, I don't think marriage would have been so bad provided the spouse didn't have such high expectations that I couldn't meet. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where the two people support and care for each other.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Japanese girls are so "Kawaii" that they can't help being attracted to each other. Seriously.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

marriage sucks, it's an outdated tradition, 90% of parents are not qualified and don't have the necessary knowledge to bring up kids properly consequently they are unintentionally messing up their kids. reproduction of the new generation must be administered by the government, kids kept , nurtured and educated by government agencies with parents having visitation rights

-4 ( +1 / -5 )

To put it simply for everyone who doesn't know or, has forgotten...

Japan is a country of extremes. Japanese people tend to do things to the max or not at all.

this applies to most things.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

I am happy with all the things on the list.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

What the heck!?! We are NOT slaves. I think equally. If the woman gets to use 3,000 yen at a shop and a man gets 380, and the woman spends three times as much as the man does then why do they care so much if their husbands get's drunk? I mean, he's doing all the work.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Men After Marriage

Regardless of whether he did or didn’t do the above, the man loses custody of the children and must pay alimony in the event of a divorce. ( I didn't) This is certainly the way it is going for me at the moment. My wife left me just over two years ago and despite a ruling two years ago that I had visitation rights they were hardly fulfilled for the first year and since May last year I have been able to see one of my two sons once, the other not at all.
3 ( +3 / -0 )

@Patrick1.Regardless of whether he did or didn’t do the above, the man loses custody of the children and must pay alimony in the event of a divorce.

That's wot ye get fer marrying a Japanese girl..... At least the first time around. Everyone should expect the first one to fail. If ye are lucky, ye might have a shot at staying together but really, mebbe 1 in 100 actually make it.

Good luck on the next endeavour. I'm in da same boat as yerself.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

mebbe 1 in 100 actually make it.

No. The number is much higher than that. The divorce rate among foreigner-Japanese marriages is around 35% if I recall correctly. Roughly the same as the divorce rate among Japanese couples, and lower than the divorce rate in the US I believe.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Does this also apply to same sex marriages?

1 ( +1 / -0 )

@cleo

And then there are the non-Japanese, so-called modern men, who actually and amazingly seem to be proud of their inability to share (It's my money, I earned it, snarl snarl)

I don't think anyone is arguing there shouldn't be sharing, but anything less than 50% for the bread winner minus all child expenses is flat out bonkers.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

anything less than 50% for the bread winner minus all child expenses is flat out bonkers

Anything less than 100% effort from both sides is a recipe for a short marriage.

But, it's good for a man to state his money-related hangups (and any other hangups, too) early on in the relationship, before things get too serious. Such men can then be avoided.

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

anything less than 50% for the bread winner minus all child expenses is flat out bonkers.

Absolutes are flat out bonkers. Some solutions will work for some couples, other solutions will work for other couples.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Absolutes are flat out bonkers.

In the abstract, maybe. On the personal level, I think we all have terms and conditions that would sound the death-knell for a relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't matter who we marry, would it?

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Strangerland I am happy for you! Really! You chose well obviously. I just meet too many people who choose on what everyone else says and for the popular reasons to like someone else. I know so many people who can barely spend an hour alone without talking to someone else, and they end up married for so many wrong reasons.

I love "love". But I also love me and my alone and quiet time. And my freedom to do what I want when I want. In relationships I eaze up a little but someone else's insecurity is not about to be my life. So choosing well and communicating early is important. I don't think modern marriage benefits most men unless they are hell bent on having kids, as having a partner and a secure environment is best. Other than that, it is not needed to have a good relationship with someone. You don't have to do it to raise kids in most western countries but pleas everyone don't scream the reasons its better...I just agreed it is!

@Scipantheist.....you are so right. Your pay minus the expenses for the survival of your family (home, food, kids, all the obvious) should be more than 50% left to the major bread winner. No one is saying the other should be without by any means. It depends on the level of finances brought in. If I bring in $20,000 a month and 7,000 takes care of everything....then I should just give $6,500 to the spouse? Heeeeeellllll no.....but she will live well. And want for nothing at my income level. If she wants Tiger woods money go get him..!

0 ( +1 / -1 )

In the abstract, maybe. On the personal level, I think we all have terms and conditions that would sound the death-knell for a relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't matter who we marry, would it?

Of course. I was referring to absolute statements like "anything less than 50% for the bread winner minus all child expenses is flat out bonkers". For some couples less than 50% for the bread winner is bonkers, and for other couples, 50% to the breadwinner would be bonkers. Trying to cover all relationships with a single absolute 'rule' is bonkers. What's important is that the arrangement for the couple works for that couple.

-3 ( +0 / -3 )

Japanese wife should learn to obey from day one and never reply to your decision, otherwise you will be her slave forever. Do you really think J woman are the same of western ones? Do you really "really" think they are living in the same year 2015?

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Unfortunately the latinamerican womans married with japanese are really slaves in modern age. They can't live that story:happy forever. And when they must be divorce they lost even the japanese citizenship.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

The real problem is not marriage in Japan, but work in Japan. Married or not, most Japanese men (and female full time workers) are total slaves to the companies they work for. Women in contrast are forced out of the work force to a large degree and thereafter either look after children (pretty much on their own in most cases) or have the largely forced status of kept women, which is good in some ways and for some people, but very limiting and depressing for others. Most Japanese couples/families hardly get to spend any time with each other, leading to a lot of misery, defective relationships, and in some cases (like above) resentment. This is all aggravated by the fact that many Japanese couples don't really marry out of love, but more the men marry women as trophies and the women marry the husbands for status and income, production of children is like a business partnership. This is not all Japanese couples, but I'd say still more than half, depending on how you measure it.

Primarily Japan needs to free company workers from slave labour conditions (even if they do generally get paid well for their slavery) as well as promoting proper equality in the work place, thus freeing women from dependence on male breadwinners and allowing more marriages to be based on true compatibility.

The concerns about treatment of men in divorces is also a problem that needs addressing.

However, I don't think men in Japan can say they have it any worse than women, not when you consider it from all angles.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

of course a girl will offer to pay the bill or half. But if it's a REAL date a japanese woman would expect to be paid for (from a Japanese man). Probably she'd offer to pay, then if the man said Okay, she'd tell her friends who would be amazed that he accepted.

@Peacetrain As I've said, "sincerely tried to pay". It is not so difficult to tell whether girls mean it or just pretend, it is not rocket science. Common sense and a little bit of experience make wonders in reading girls' true intentions.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Overworked population of males and underutilized population of females in the workforce both rapidly aging out of the productivity cycle and straining to live up to unrealistic social norms. Nothing will change for at least 10 more administrations....

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Simple, don't get married, don't date, and just hire a professional woman when you need sex. As you will notice, a lot Japanese young men, and women are no longer interested in Marriage, raising a family, or even sex.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

If you are with a woman where you perceive more than a couple of those to be true, she's with the wrong man.

No one likes a whiner.

No, it's the price one pays for marrying a man whose lifestyle and aspirations do not match your own. I know plenty of Japanese men, of all generations, who do not spend every waking hour either working or frequenting hostess bars, who do not spend every weekend playing golf, who are not strangers to their kids and who do not treat their wives like unpaid housekeepers. And then there are the non-Japanese, so-called modern men, who actually and amazingly seem to be proud of their inability to share (It's my money, I earned it, snarl snarl)

Anything less than 100% effort from both sides is a recipe for a short marriage.

But, it's good for a man to state his money-related hangups (and any other hangups, too) early on in the relationship, before things get too serious. Such men can then be avoided

In the abstract, maybe. On the personal level, I think we all have terms and conditions that would sound the death-knell for a relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't matter who we marry, would it?

Ahh, yes. The irresistible siren of the western women. That's one good thing Japanese men should be grateful they don't have to deal with.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Well clearly..the worst of it...is not having reasonable charge of the children regardless of fault/blame etc. As for the rest...it appears loveless and futile....If I felt sure there was no way to improve the relstionship, I would not stay there. It sounds like subjection to a culture, not a marriage at all.ie caring supportive relationship of two people...in fact...even with the children out of my contact...Now...I think I might leave in any case...while making absolutely sure to establish ways to stay in their sight or mind...even if it meant paying for giant posters on their way to school...somehow...make surethe kkids know that all that stops them being with the missing parent...is the law....and that love goes on...How old does a child have to be before it can begin to think in independent terms? Many 14 year olds might be willing to take off... Years pass quickly...stay in touch, somehow, anyhow...employ private detectives, never give up... Enjoy the intrigue if possible...dont let it get you down...ridiculous materialistic marriages....t

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Gaijinshufu

Interesting perspective. Sounds like you are running a house and family with a husband effectively in absentia, and I can see how that fosters resentment and hostility.

A couple of general things. You have to be careful about who you marry - because if you are serious about it, it's going to last for a looong time, and if you are lucky there will be kids involved too. You need to get to know the person and experience with them a variety of situations that shines a light on the kind or person they really are so that you get a measure of them as an individual. I think it's worth doing your due diligence with this.

Trust and openness are important. Sharing is important - of everything, including your time, your possessions, whatever. This is how my wife and I do things in our marriage - we are two parts of the same unit. Money seems to be pretty much a non-issue, we have joint account that we both access when we need to and is where salaries go. We share the management of household money, bills etc. I manage the finances in terms of investment decisions and actions because it's more my thing than hers, but always consult her and make sure she knows what is going on at all times.

Openness, honesty, communication.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

A loving husband never complains and a loving wife shares in everything. There must be a symbiotic relationship between husband and wife. Sharing is love. Love begets love and pass it on in your siblings. As a wife I never had these experience but what I felt was that in everything I do its for my family whatever happens. Now am a widow am still doing what I think I should pass it to my children and grandkids that love conquers all .Errors becomes a mistakes if you don't correct it.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

Rose, I liked your comments. Sharing is indeed loving. Whenever I get time, I help my wife with washing clothes, dishes, and cleaning house. I also prepare breakfast. If you grudge about your marriage, you can never be happy. Marriages are made in heaven, but still you can make your marriage work wonders if you want it.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

In the past the ladies that I went out with here for long spells were more than willing to split costs or even pay for me.

I never experienced a jspanese lady wanting me to pay for everything, I guess those guys that have women like that got a raw deal, on the whole japanese ladies aren't out to make the guy they are seeing be the sugar daddy, unless of course youve found a gold digger in which case better look for someone better.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

This could be better represented by the following phrase, which I'll leave you to debate, regarding its truth or not:

"When a woman gets married, she believes her life is just starting, but when a man gets married, he believes his life is ending".

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Who makes this stuff up? If it is true then I'm not surprised the birth rate is so low.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Happily married for 20 years... Never once refused sexual advances from my wife! I am lost with this article!

0 ( +1 / -1 )

This Gye Has it about right except it is the Wife Family which is to Pay for the whole wedding except the drinks, the wife father buys the dresses and the flowers for the church the reception and the Limo the husband Pays for, as for the wedding rings they both choose them and are payed for together, the engagement ring is up to the Boyfriend, In America if the Wife cuts the sex off that is Cruel and inhuman Treatment, grounds for a divorce, and the wife does pay Child Support if they get a divorce and the husband gets the Kids,

If the wife runs away with the Kids she can be charged with federal crimes and go to Jail for 15 to 20 Years and the Husband will not ever have to worry about her again, she get free room and Board and food at the Jail so if the women wants to run back to Japan God Bless You go, But when You get to the Airport make sure the charges are not filed, and if your still on the Plane you can be returned to the court where the children are given to the Father and you go directly to jail without collecting the 200 dollars , so if there is a divorce in the works the husband will always help out to run so be very careful you will lose,

The Man that wrote this is just about on the money as all women in all races expect the man to do everything, and this payment to the Wife family, Well You can go collect that at the Lottery office because we the man are now taking on all the Misfit attitudes of the women which were hidden till the marriage was finished, What a surprised, To bad we cannot return the Merchandise, Be-wear most Japanese Women believe making love is for having children so when she gets pregnant watch out as Your Not going to dip your Pinky in that tee-pee no more till she wants another child. so Be-careful in this no sex before marriage BS....

God Bless all the Men as we have become slaves to our emotions.... Something called LOVE!

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I'm a Japanese student. Please don't say that "Japan is a sexist country", before you know the list. Some feminists who don't know the list claim that "Japanese women don't get jobs as much as men". It's true, but my mother is stronger than my father in my house. My dad never treats my mom harshly. Sorry for my English. Thanks. (P.S Today, some situations of the list have been changed.)

0 ( +0 / -0 )

**If a man is so dead tired from an average of 12 hours a day of work per day for 5 days that it takes you 12 tries to remind him that he's home, then it should not be his job to make the woman's work easier. It should be her job to help him into bed after eating, remind him you love him every night for making sure you even have a place since he goes to work pretty much to pay you with a check, and wake him up every day off and ask him if he wants to hang out with you and the kids. Is it that hard to realize that he's doing far more tiring work? Imagine expending so much physical energy that you could collapse from exhaustion?

I've seen men who have been so tired that they have to carry a camera and take pics to remind himself he went to work. They allow them to take naps at work. But that only helps to keep them awake so much. It actually does nothing to make them less tired. They end up LOSING a lot of sleep and get put under a lot of pressure.

You all need to learn some respect and show the men respect where it's due. You're all self entitled millennials that make me want to vomit my own organs out and donate them to the black market if I were crazy.**

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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