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We recently took a look at one Japanese father’s unorthodox way of delivering some sage wisdom. Today, the Japanese Internet is buzzing about yet another bit of parental advice, this time from a mother to her daughter.
Twitter user @kaaaaa010724 recently shared the following story, prefacing it with “This is something my mom told me. I totally get what she’s saying. Sometimes, she really knows what she’s talking about.”
So what did her mom have to say?
“Look, it’s all fine and good to be selfless sometimes. But think about why people tell women not to sell themselves short.”
“When you and a guy are still just boyfriend and girlfriend, it’s OK to be selfish. It’s OK to hang on to the mindset that you’re very special. If some guy leaves you just because of that, then the two of you weren’t going to get married anyway, and even if you did, you’d get divorced right away. You got that?”
“After she gets married, a woman has to put up with more and more things. Her husband goes drinking with his coworkers or works overtime. He doesn’t call home if he’s going to be late, and even on his day off he’s never around because of work, work, work.”
“But you know what? You can put up with his selfishness if you have happy memories from when you were boyfriend and girlfriend. ‘Ah, he waited for me for so long that day.’ ‘He was always worried about me getting home safe, so he walked me all the way back to my place.’ ‘He doesn’t like crowded places, but he still went to Disneyland with me.’”
“Because you have memories of him granting your selfish requests when you were dating, you can create a happy married life. So when you’re dating, ask for many selfish things. Then, after you get married, it’s your turn to grant his selfish requests. Remember that.”
The message struck a chord with Japanese Twitter users, who have since retweeted it more than 31,000 times, and Mom does make a couple of good points. All else equal, it’s best to be upfront with your partner about your desires, in order to judge if the relationship is going to provide you with the things you need to be happy. Taking advantage of the greater opportunities you have to be carefree when you’re young is also a great idea, and memories of happy times can help you keep a positive attitude when the going gets rough. And, of course, it’s important not to lose sight of your self-worth.
Thinking along those lines, much of the online reaction has been positive, with comments such as:
“What a wonderful mother.”
“Your mom is cool.”
“She’s totally awesome!”
“Her words moved me, too.”
“Such a deep message.”
However, certain critical thinkers took aim at what they felt were weak links in the chain of advice. Sure, there are indeed some men who draw so much of their satisfaction and identity from their work that they neglect other aspects of their life. Far more of them, though, stay late at the office or clock in on a Saturday out of necessity or pressure to secure financial stability for their family. It’s also not like every guy at a company drinking party actually wants to be there, either, all of which prompted comments such as these.
“I realize women have to put up with more things after getting married. But is it fair to call a husband selfish when he’s working to provide for his family?”
“Do you think he likes going drinking with his boss, working overtime, going to the office on his day off, and being so busy he doesn’t even have time to call?”
And that’s not even touching on the issue of whether a system of “You put up with all of my selfishness before marriage, and I’ll put up with all of yours after” is a recipe for wedded bliss or civil but resentful, barely tolerable cohabitation.
Hmm…now we can’t help wondering what Dad has to say about all this.
Source: Twitter/@kaaaaa010724
Read more stories from RocketNews24. -- Do you know what to look for in a guy? Take this quiz and find out! -- Kyoto company starts “Solo Wedding” service for single women who want to be brides for the day -- Genius parents “trick” young children into not watching TV using clever kid logic
© Japan Today
16 Comments
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curlygene
It's a poor philosophy introduced by a mystifying headline. Should a girl ask her boyfriend for a stack of cats? They are archetypical "selfish things", after all.
karlrb
What a shallow mother!
windandsea
Just one word of advice to men: "Run"
sensei258
And guys don't?
So working your butt off so your family can live comfortably is selfish?
She should stick to 'compensated dating"
Michael D. Maxwell
Good advice from a mother, I am a father and I have two daughters. If I was single and didn't have any daughters I would express a different feeling. I would say that the mother is teaching her daughter to take advantage of her boyfriend. After reading her suggestions, it does make since, provided that they stay together and get married. I am from America and my wife is Japanese, we have been married for 12 years. We have a ten year old daughter and I am teaching her things about life and men now. I am raising my daughter not to just settle for anything or anyone. Set your goals, immediate and long term. When you meet someone that may develope into a long term relationship let them know what your goals are and that way there is no surprises down the raid. I have lived in Japan for 15 years and have seen the way Japanese men and women treat each other, some good and some bad. I'm from Texas and I was raised to treasure your wife and children. Currently I live in Sagamihara but I use to live in Yamato city and my Japanese male neighbors would tell me I'm making them look bad. Their wives would tell them that they see me helping out my wife hanging out laundry and cooking dinner on a regular basis. I know I changed the subject but all of this goes together. Take care of her now and she will take care of you later.
TheGodfather
Dating BEFORE you get married is not generally a good idea. This clueless mother is raising her own daughter to be a w***e!!
If that's what she wants to be then @sensei258 is correct and "she should stick to 'compensated dating'"
emcakira
Michael D. Maxwell, I totally get what you're saying. Everyone needs to have an opinion, to be treated equally, and to have the opportunities to accomplish your goals, but I don't think that's what this mother was saying at all. Granted, I can't read Kanji, so I didn't see the original posts on Twitter, but judging from the way this was written, it sounds more like the very vain requests. The examples she used were, going to Disneyland, waiting on her, and walking her home. These don't sound very goal related to me.
I'll give a different example, if your daughter wants a Prada purse, and she's in a long term relationship, is it right of her to demand him to buy the purse or else, "It won't work out."
That's what I got out of this article.
RealityofFake
I don't see how this leads to a happy relationship for either party. But what I see from this is that one of the biggest problems with Japanese society is the work culture. And it's seen in how it affects dating and marriage. Men are forced to work and work and work, and then go to a drinking party for work. And when they come home, they're called selfish for not spending enough time with their family. And on the other hand, women are told that they just have to accept that marriage will be horrible experience for them, because their husband will be forced to work all the time and will put no effort into their family. And the only way for a woman to make it through a marriage is to have happy memories of dating. Who would ever want to get married if these are the prospects?
coskuri
Your happy memories is making the person you are supposed to love suffer ? And you laugh when you get burnt ? Sound like such a pleasant personality.
What forces them is the dragon they have at home. They need tons of money to feed the beast, so they work more. Then the fear of getting back to the den pushes them to the bars.
San_Diegan
Wow! I can't believe I am taking the time to comment on an article swiped from RocketNews24 (such great journalism and I do realize it is tabloidic material).
It just excreted shallow philosophy that way too many women, not just in Japan but, world wide buy into! And, then you have the "Sexless marriage." Perhaps, there is a connection?
"if the relationship is going to provide you with the things you need to be happy." Another path to hollowness. Looking for external "Things" or "People" or "Places," to make them happy is so indicative of a person's maturity. (sigh)
Confucious say, "Happiness comes from Withiin."
turbotsat
It doesn't sound like the guy is being selfish here.
Yubaru
Shouldn't have been awake to the reality of life here BEFORE getting hitched. It's not like this is some huge secret that women only find out about after they get married. They knew it, they refused to accept that it would happen to them before the marriage, and then bitch about it afterwards.
Dont like the lifestyle? Don't get married to a guy like this. It really is that simple!
ebisen
What a stupid advice. Selfishness is the sign of a dirty human. I wouldn't have such a disgusting person around me, for sure.
5SpeedRacer5
How about encouraging people to be responsible adults and associate with same? Then you don't need to provide a bunch of mind-gamey insipid advice.
Anyone who wonders why young Japanese don't fall in love and procreate, please see the article above. Senseless meddling by people who frittered their lives away satisfying the selfishness of others cannot resist the passive/aggressive urge to screw up their kids just as they were.
Oh. And if a guy can't cook and do his laundry, he deserves to live with his parents the rest of his life.
And they deserve him, too.
samwatters
Most of the Japanese women I know WANT their husbands out of the house and hate it when they are around....as long as the paychecks keep coming in, that is.
Aizo Yurei
One of the saddest article I've ever read...
There's a reason why Japanese husbands don't want to come home. Because those women are there.