lifestyle

Japanese women asked what does and doesn’t constitute cheating on their boyfriend

85 Comments
By Casey Baseel, RocketNews24

Different people draw the line for unacceptable romantic transgressions in different places. Some would say it’s not cheating if there’s no physical contact, while more liberal minds would argue that it’s not cheating if it happens in a different state (or area code) from where you live.

In an effort to establish some sort of baseline, though, Internet portal R25 polled 200 Japanese women in their 20s and 30s, all of whom have been in an exclusive relationship. R25 presented the respondents, 38% of whom admitted to having been unfaithful to a boyfriend in the past, with a number of behaviors, and asked them to answer whether or not they qualified as cheating.

Let’s start with the lowest-ranking response, and work our way up the ladder of perceived infidelity.

6. Regularly exchanging emails or LINE messages with a guy other than my boyfriend (3%)

Given that email and text messages have become the most common form of non-face-to-face communication for people in the surveyed age groups, it’s not surprising that written correspondence with someone other than the dude you’re currently dating was generally seen as an acceptable part of a normal social life.

5. Feeling a romantic pull towards another guy (25.5%)

While the majority of the women felt that there’s nothing wrong with pangs of emotional attachment towards another man, a not insignificant number held that this opening of the heart was also a violation of their partner’s trust.

4. Going out to eat or have fun with another guy, and no one else (30.5%)

From a Western perspective, calling this cheating might seem unfairly strict, but it’s important to remember that socializing works a little differently in Japan. Classmates, coworkers, and other social acquaintances who are on good terms almost always get together in a group, so pairing off denotes a particularly high level of intimacy in the relationship, and one high enough for roughly one-third to think it’s indicative of something more than just a platonic relationship.

3. Holding hands with another guy (58%)

We now come to the first majority-acknowledged transgression. While on rare occasions you might see two BFF-level schoolgirls holding hands in Japan, this is generally more physical contact than most Japanese people are comfortable having with someone who’s “just a friend,” especially one of the opposite gender.

2. Kissing another guy (76.5%)

Common sense tells us that if most Japanese people don’t hold hands with their buddies, neither do they kiss them, although roughly one in five of the women polled still felt their was some wiggle room that kept this from being cheating.

1. Having sex with another guy (77%)

While it’s no surprise that doing the deed topped the list, it’s a little startling to see that there was only a half-percent difference in the results for a meeting of the lips and a meeting of the naughty bits.

The data, as released by R25, doesn’t specify how much overlap there is between the almost identically sized groups that said it’s not cheating if you kiss another guy and those who said it isn’t if you sleep with him. Since there’re person-by-person differences in how much importance people attach to the physical versus emotional aspects of kissing and sex, it’s even conceivable that some of the respondents beleive that a kiss most honestly reflects what the heart wants, and therefore is a more serious infraction than the simple yearning of one’s body to knock against another someone else’s.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that 23% of the women polled don’t think anything they do would be cheating. If so, you might want to watch out for them at your next singles party.

Source: R25/Yahoo! Japan

Read more stories from RocketNews24. -- Cheaters beware – 30 percent of Japanese women have checked their boyfriend’s cell phone -- Five reasons nerds make great boyfriends: Japan’s geeky otaku list their pros -- Japanese women list the top 10 lies they can spot the second a guy says them

© Japan Today

©2022 GPlusMedia Inc.


85 Comments
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Interesting that only 77% thought that having sex with another guy would be considered cheating.

I'll bet any money that if the shoe was on the other foot and these women were asked if their BF was having sex with another woman and if that was cheating the number would be closer to if not 100%.

10 ( +15 / -5 )

Interesting that only 77% thought that having sex with another guy would be considered cheating.

Why is this interesting? The report says that 38% "admitted to having been unfaithful to a boyfriend in the past," which indicates they have a different behavioural norm.

9 ( +12 / -3 )

Interesting that only 77% thought that having sex with another guy would be considered cheating.

@Yubaru

As you probably are aware, there are a surprisingly high number/proportion of open relationships and marriages in Japan, (although from what I have seen and heard I would say far fewer than there were even several decades ago). I imagine that is where the 23% who do not see having sex with another guy as cheating.

Partially I would guess that this is because there is not much of a mindset that infidelity is a 'sin,' so it is much more tolerated here than in countries where many people regard it as sinful. I'm not trying to say that is good or bad, but it is what it is.

2 ( +6 / -4 )

Well, you know, there's the boyfriend with the money, the boyfriend with the car, the boyfriend who is nice, the boyfriend who likes to dance, the boyfriend you might marry .... It's so difficult to keep track of all this.

14 ( +18 / -4 )

Sex is not taboo in Japan as it has nothing to do with religion being shoved down the throat of the said evil doers.

If one can have sex with multiple partners, and still give 100% to the main multiple partner without screaming out the other's name(s), and not bring home venereal disease, good for them. Life is short. Live it. Just do not tell my partner I wrote this. I would be cut off from the living.

-11 ( +14 / -25 )

Sex is not taboo in Japan as it has nothing to do with religion being shoved down the throat of the said evil doers.

Sex isnt "taboo" but when one is in a relationship or married having sex with someone other than your partner is one sure way to end the relationship if the other partner finds out about it. Ever wonder why nearly 50% of marriages here end in divorce? Cheating on one's partner is one of the biggest reasons.

5 ( +10 / -5 )

I once met a woman that said she wants to be my GF but she set the condition that I can't talk with other women. Said No Thanks as I got many female friends(many married) and we often go out for dinner(with hubbies permission).

Told her plain if you can't trust me that much it shows your insecurity in me.

0 ( +7 / -7 )

I find that "cheating" is usually decided by the partner of the person doing the "cheating" rather than by the person doing the "cheating".

Similarly, if the person doing the "cheating" hides their actions from their partner, then it is a pretty sure sign that they know that their partner would consider it "cheating", even if they can rationalise or justify it somehow.

Caveat: With the exception of those who have insanely jealous partners who assume cheating where none exists.

6 ( +8 / -2 )

Then there are guys like me and Al Bundy who wish our wives would cheat just to get their nagging tongues out of the house. Please dear find a BF, please.

3 ( +6 / -3 )

Cheating = doing something in your partners absence that you would not do in their presence.

13 ( +14 / -3 )

Kurobune. Well said, being a European a peck on the cheek or both is a form of greeting and not a kiss.

Said that I never cheated on any GF or my Wife. My partner can also go out on an occasional date, but if it is frequent with the same guy it is time to sitdown and talk. ????

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Sex isnt "taboo" but when one is in a relationship or married having sex with someone other than your partner is one sure way to end the relationship if the other partner finds out about it.

That's true for the most part, but if there is a country where someone (or at least, the guy) could have sex with someone else, and have his wife accept it and stay with him, this is it.

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

shonanbb: "Just do not tell my partner I wrote this. I would be cut off from the living."

Why? I thought you said sex is not taboo in Japan because religion is not shoved down your throat.

I'm pretty liberal, and I wouldn't get upset if my partner went out for lunch or something with a mail friend, given that I will do it with women (informing her, of course), but if it's a regular thing or if we don't share what we're doing with each other, it's a problem. I also hug people, men and women, and so long as it feels natural -- in a greeting sense -- to her, I don't mind. Beyond that it becomes pretty questionable.

But the thing is so many people think that sex or what have you can be justified with someone other than your partner, and so long as they are careful you will never know. In Japan more than other nations relationships are often COMPLETELY separate, meaning that one's partner's friends may never ever meet with you and yours. All the time I'm told stories of people going out on trips or just shopping and if I ask, "With your partner", they violently shake their head and say "No way!", or that their partners have been on trips for days with no contact, etc. If your friends are all their friends as well, it becomes a lot more difficult, but here it is not, and I know MANY people who cheat VERY casually and don't feel even a modicum of guilt.

3 ( +7 / -4 )

I think it's pretty unrealistic to go through life and not feel a romantic pull towards anyone, but acting on it is the criteria of cheating isn't it? I am more than capable of having a meal or emailing/texting someone of the opposite sex without cheating so that's a little unrealistic. If affection such as hugs and kisses and even holding hands is absolutely forbidden we'd be living in a bit of a different world. Let's say I go out to have drinks and I bump into someone I like a bit and I I give them a hug, peck on the cheek, and walk arm in arm to the next bar, then call it a night and go home...did I cheat? In many places this is pretty normal behavior. The act of cheating is defined by your intentions! Are you trying to seduce the other person when you are already committed to someone else? That to me is cheating and not other petty behaviors like communication and affection.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Primal instincts dictate that females get insanely jealous if their partners mate with other females, because any resulting offsprings would vie for the same scarce resources the males possess or will accrue in the future.

While mating in humans today are mostly for recreational purposes, you can't undo these genetic programmings.

0 ( +6 / -6 )

I'm pretty liberal, and I wouldn't get upset if my partner went out for lunch or something with a mail friend,

But what if that friend didn't work at the post office?

13 ( +16 / -3 )

@Kurobune: "Cheating = doing something in your partners absence that you would not do in their presence."

Does this include massterbeishon sessions?

1 ( +2 / -1 )

I'm pretty liberal, and I wouldn't get upset if my partner went out for lunch or something with a mail friend,

Guy you are a better man than me. I wouldn't have a problem with my wife going out with a male friend either, (which I think you meant) but I would have a problem with a "mail" friend!

3 ( +6 / -3 )

All is fair in love and war.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

StrangerlandJAN. 22, 2016 - 08:49AM JST Sex isnt "taboo" but when one is in a relationship or married having sex with someone other than your partner is one sure way to end the relationship if the other partner finds out about it.

That's true for the most part, but if there is a country where someone (or at least, the guy) could have sex with someone else, and have his wife accept it and stay with him, this is it.

Well, I guess it's all acceptable here in USA also. Hillary stayed with him.

0 ( +3 / -3 )

23% of women believe having sex with a man other than their boyfriend/husband is not cheating? Just another reason why I love Japan!

-2 ( +4 / -6 )

Smith ...it was sarcasm and humor. Smile, it is Friday.

Yubaru: I think your stats might be off. A large percentage of those that get divorced here are not from cheating, but rather from retirement. After the man retires, the couple find out that they never knew each other and want separate lives.

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

Japanese women asked what does and doesn’t constitute cheating on their boyfriend

As long as it's in the bed of an old pickup lined with Astroturf (tm), anything goes.

MarkG: Well, I guess it's all acceptable here in USA also. Hillary stayed with him.

She tried to kill him with a lamp!

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

shonan: Is that retirement point more sarcasm from you? The retirement issue, even if true, is only going to affect the 60+.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Ah an INTERNET poll that even admits the data is not clear on overlap. Nor how the questions were presented/asked etc. Ask a question a certain way you're going to get an answer you want.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Primal instincts dictate that females get insanely jealous if their partners mate with other females

Totally agree. Guys- just guard your cell phones and don't give her access to ur cell phone account activity and records & all will be fine. What she doesn't know cannot hurt her.

-5 ( +1 / -6 )

The situation in Japan complicates matters a lot, in my humble opinion.

For example, if you and your "partner" are in a romance-less, sex-less relationship, is this really a "relationship" to begin with? To me, it's a fraud. You've basically cut yourself off from the rest of the romantic world for...nothing? Financial security? The sake of kids (and now that you have them, goodbye sexual relations forever?) How does that jive with all the romantic dramas and other stories being shoved down the population's throat all the time? It must make people feel a bit depressed to find their "relationship" to be so cold and barren.

Unfortunately, according to an article I just read elsewhere, "44.6 percent of married couples say they are in a sexless marriage." Imagine what the percent would be if we included, "We only have relations rarely." Well over half, I'd guess.

Now, if you are in such a horrid situation and you do find you need more physical affection than, er, no affection at all, is this "cheating" Or "human and only natural?" I'm not sure anymore...but whatever you do, don't ask the Dear Leader (and childless) Abe Shinzo what to do! He's certainly not doing his part, to say the least!

1 ( +3 / -2 )

I thought it's not cheating if you use a condom? Or is that just me?

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

Sex is a different experience for men and women. For men it happens outside the body and there are no future consequences. For a woman it happens inside her body and, at least until the invention of the anti baby pill, it could have had serious, life changing consequences (getting pregnant). Hence the genders view sex differently. Men also need sex a lot more than most women do, it's a physical need. So men get married to have access to free, unlimited sex. Ideally. Finally, humans are possessive, they want everything for themselves and don't like to share.

A man can love a woman and at the same time have sex with any other woman without any feelings for her. For a woman sex is a much bigger commitment hence they want assurance that the man won't just walk away after the act or that he will keep supporting her if she gets pregnant.

0 ( +3 / -3 )

"23% of the women polled don’t think anything they do would be cheating"

The dictionary definition of "cheat" is: "to ​behave in a DISHONEST way in ​order to get what YOU ​want"

The 23% are right! If the boyfriend KNOWS about it then it is not cheating...

Especially if the boyfriend is THERE AT THE TIME!!!! ;-)

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/cheat

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Mail man lol

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

aaah, there is nothing better on this earth than have the BLESSING of finally finding your soul mate, I mean, two people so in love with each other that they simply don't have eyes for anyone else, and the simple idea of hiding some wrongdoing from your partner might make you feel really bad. It took me 28 years, and many strange, materialistic, revengeful, lazy, psycho, unreliable, crazy girlfriends :S

2 ( +4 / -2 )

aaah, there is nothing better on this earth than have the BLESSING of finally finding your soul mate

. . . but after meeting a few of her "good" friends, some guys might "reconsider."

-7 ( +0 / -7 )

We know a lot of these kinds of patterns as sort of common sense. However I wonder how patterns in answers would be:

for guys

for women who are not into guys

for guys who are not into women
-1 ( +1 / -2 )

shonanbb

Sex is not taboo

The Western fetish with the 'oriental' value system blinds them to the reality. Or they've never been to Japan and get all their information about the place from manga and other weebo sources.

Sex is very taboo in the Japan and in the 'day to day' world I exclusively venture within. It might not be in Shinjuku 2 chome, soapland or the porn manga others venture in.

Body pats and body functions might not be taboo in Japan, but to associate them with sex, is a very western concept.

Family conversations hardly ever venture onto the topic of sex in Japan and Japanese sex education sucks in the high schools, because sex is taboo in the mainstream world of Japan.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

@ Disco J: Not sarcasm. Read up on it. Lots out there to peruse.

Here is just one quote from an article:

Retired Husband Syndrome, a collection of ailments identified by a Japanese doctor in the early 1990s, is though to affect as many as 60% of married women over the age of 60 who can no longer bare the sight of their husbands. Sufferers experience symptoms ranging from skin rashes and high blood pressure to stomach ulcers and the shakes. A study by the advertising firm Hakuhodo found that while 85% of men looked forward to their retirement, 40% of women were "depressed" by the prospect.

-2 ( +3 / -5 )

because sex is taboo in the mainstream world of Japan.

I guess . . . . what about all the porn mags in the conbinis? Society doesn't think that a taboo. Or the porn sections of a DVD shop. What about the love hotels everywhere? Or the sexy-busty anime characters used by Prefectural municipalities to promote "tourism?"

-1 ( +4 / -5 )

Sex is not taboo in the mainstream world of Japan.

Take a look at the art of Shunga and double think that taboo.

http://www.ukiyoe-gallery.com/gallery9.htm

-2 ( +2 / -4 )

Wc626

what about all the porn mags in the conbinis? Society doesn't think that a taboo.

Do you really stand there with all those pervy losers, gawping at those magazines in your local 7-11. I would be ashamed to likewise and would think badly of an associate who did likewise. And here's news for you.. most Japanese think likewise.

Wc626

Or the porn sections of a DVD shop.

Creepy, full of very creepy guys..thus the signs at their entrance forbidding entry for anyone under 21..... really open

Wc626

Or the sexy-busty anime characters used by Prefectural municipalities to promote "tourism?"

Have you read a Japanese newspaper recently and the public outcry against them?

-8 ( +1 / -9 )

i am more concerned for the 3% who actually believe that regularly exchanging emails or LINE messages with a guy other than their hubby is an act of cheating. Talk about social life...

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

The religion antidote seems to be very common. However, the concept of cheating isn't so much rooted in religion as it is in the betrayal of your partner. When a marriage ends in divorce because of a spouse cheating, they don't cite "sin", they cite the feeling that they were betrayed on the most deepest level humanly possible by someone they trusted.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Shonan, your sarcasm seems even stronger now. How would 'retired husband syndrome' influence the divorce of a couple in their 30s (or 20s, or 40s, or 50s). It's obviously not 'a large percentage'.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

Sex is not taboo in Japan as it has nothing to do with religion being shoved down the throat of the said evil doers.

Non sense. Sex is taboo in Japan. Even woman sexual organ is still a taboo in this society. Talking freely about sex is not common even within people of similar gender. Japan society is really conservative, by the way largely because religions like Shintoism and Buddhism are indeed present deeply inside Japanese socity.

Sex is not taboo in the mainstream world of Japan. Take a look at the art of Shunga and double think that taboo.

Totally bogus example as it does not correspond at all to the current Japanese society. Just look at what is happening to Megumi Igarashi, arrested and brought on trial because she used her vagina for art.

-5 ( +3 / -8 )

Daito.

Where do you get the idea that sex is a Taboo in Shinto and Buddhism. Nothing in those religions forbids sex, heck there are Shinto shrines where you can pray for a good childbirth, bigger breasts, fertility rituals, etc.

Sentou only separated the sexes last century.under western influence.

-1 ( +3 / -4 )

It"S MEJan. 22, 2016 - 05:14PM JST

Sentou only separated the sexes last century.under western influence.

There you go again, applying western values of sexuality - assuming body function and form, and sexuality are interwoven.

Japan, both traditionally and in its modern form, sees a vast difference between the function of bathing and sex.

Mainstream Japan is very very conservative on the issue of sex.

-4 ( +3 / -7 )

Gary.

Nice try.I have lived here for 18yrs, had a Japanese Wife and am a Buddhist.

So who is applying their own views here?

1 ( +3 / -2 )

If one can have sex with multiple partners, and still give 100% to the main multiple partner without screaming out the other's name(s), and not bring home venereal disease, good for them. so basically be deceptive and dont tell your main partner. IF the woman and man have a open relationship, meaning they have multiple partners and each other are aware of each others multiple partners and are fine with that, then I dont see any problem.

But to have multiple partners and not tell your main partner, making him/her think your the only one..Im sorry but thats CHEATING.

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

Nothing in those religions forbids sex, heck there are Shinto shrines where you can pray for a good childbirth, bigger breasts, fertility rituals, etc.

You are getting it wrong. There is no religion that forbids sex per say. What I am referring to here is conservatism in society (notably regarding sexual fulfillment) which also in Japan has roots in religious practice.

Sentou only separated the sexes last century.under western influence.

Yeah yeah the usual that the western fault bullshit. Give me a break. Right now, most of western societies are way, way more liberal in sex than Japan.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Daito.

So MacArthur made no rules about communal bathing, etc. Love Hotels are not openly advertised, etc.

I often joke with my J-Friends both male and female about sex and similar topics. Found them quiet liberal, granted not as liberal as us Europeans but more than my American friends.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

Only 77% think sex with another guy is cheating? Blimey... no wonder my first Japanese girlfriend refused to promise to be faithful... she must have been one of the 23%. Glad I got dumped lol

1 ( +2 / -1 )

So MacArthur made no rules about communal bathing, etc. Love Hotels are not openly advertised, etc.

What the hell are you talking about? This has nothing to do with the topic.... Find better arguments.

Advertising love hotels is nothing special in a country which does whatever for making money. Now, business and mores in society are two different things. Again go to ask Megumi Igarashi about what she thinks about the topic.

I often joke with my J-Friends both male and female about sex and similar topics. Found them quiet liberal, granted not as liberal as us Europeans but more than my American friends.

Sorry conversations among some drunk people do not picture the reality of a society.

But hey, I do agree with you. US is also very conservative with sex.

-4 ( +0 / -4 )

Daito.

Study a bit more about Japan, there is only one Penis festival left after most were forbidden after WWII.

Me and my friends don't drink, neither did the people I met in Hospitals.

Anyway I got my experiences and you got yours lets leave it at that.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

Its plain and simple. We are all born with a conscience and know intuitively right from wrong. We feel peace of conscience when we choose right. We feel guilty conscience when we choose wrong. In other words instinctively we know right from wrong. Our conscience sends an immediate signal when we act in a good or bad way. A guilty conscience hurts. Pain of any kind motivates us to seek help and to change things that are unhealthy in our lives.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

Study a bit more about Japan, there is only one Penis festival left after most were forbidden after WWII.

Again off topic. No one forced Japan to stay so conservative. Again, most of Europeans country have moved on past religion and conservatism since the last 60-70 years to become very liberal. Why not Japan?

And I do note that although the country has a Penis festival, it has more roots with the patriarchal nature of the society here. Since again, anything related to sexuality of women is taboo.

Me and my friends don't drink, neither did the people I met in Hospitals.

Let me say it in a another way. Your limited personal experience do not reflect the mores in a society.

Study a bit more about Japan

Thanks, I have been living here for more than 15 years. The difference with you is that I am not closing myself in a limitless adoration of Japan that prevents debate and saying what is wrong with this country.

Japan is a very conservative society. Period.

-5 ( +0 / -5 )

Japan is a very conservative society. Period.

It's a little of both - in some ways Japan is conservative, in others, it's not. They don't have the religious hangups about sex that Christian countries do, and in that manner, they are not so conservative. If you want to have sex before marriage, Japanese people will not say that you are damning your eternal soul to hell. And girls here generally won't look down on you for your sexual preferences here. They are a lot more free when it comes to having sex I find, and in that regards, they are not very conservative. That said, talking about sex with someone you aren't having sex with is mostly a no-go, and in that manner, Japan can be very conservative.

It's not as cut and dry as 'they are conservative, period', because in some ways, they aren't so conservative.

2 ( +6 / -4 )

In the majority of cases this is how it works, at least for men.

1) Your body and your brain tell you to have sex with every attractive girl.

2) Morally (it's not necessarily about religion, can be simply empathy) and for practical reasons you think you should not to cheat on your partner.

Ultimately, I believe what goes against biological and spontaneous feelings is wrong, as it can harm your psycho-phisical health.

-4 ( +0 / -4 )

Thus far the comments here reveal non-Japanese men think they will save all Japanese women from sexual taint or are Charisma Men. The women seem more spot on that cheating is doing in your better half's absence what you would not do in their presence. Interesting to say the least.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Thus far the comments here reveal non-Japanese men think they will save all Japanese women from sexual taint or are Charisma Men.

In my case neither - I thought I had found my soul mate. Nope.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

In most cases, Marriage is an agreement of fidelity in the face of ongoing temptation and opportunity for either party. Just because you are married does not mean either of you stop finding other people attractive of course. But marriage means self control in the face of temptation. My wife is pretty open and honest about the attractiveness of different men she meets from time to time, which is fine by me. I know other couples who are the same. But we trust each other - we made a choice and an agreement when we took our vows and in 13 Years of being together I've never allowed myself to be seriously tempted. I think the same is true for her and she is a good looking woman not short of attention.

Pretty much everything on this list is a no-no for me. They are all breaches of trust and #6 leads into everything else (Though several steps can be skipped!).

An easy rule of thumb is to ask; 'Would my partner be comfortable with what I'm doing?' If the answer is no, it's the wrong thing to do.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

In most cases, Marriage is an agreement of fidelity in the face of ongoing temptation and opportunity for either party.

. . . in other words: Marriage in the world doesn't work today. Its an institution that is in decay. And if I had love to portray, I would surely find another way-23%.

-5 ( +0 / -5 )

A relationship is not a ownership. You don,t owen your partners sexuality like you don,t owen your partners believes. I would be very disappoint in myself not my partner if she found the need too share her sexuality and time with others.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

. . . in other words: Marriage in the world doesn't work today. Its an institution that is in decay. And if I had love to portray, I would surely find another way-23%.

That very quote has been around for at least a couple of decades and it's not a new sentiment. And I disagree with it for a whole host of reasons and I think statistics do too.

Statistics from the US tell you that by the age of 55, only about 7 to 8% of women have not been married, but by the same age, up to 41% of these divorce. However, 16% of these choose to re-marry. So, after the age of 55 about 25% of American adult women are not married. About 1 in 4.

https://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/p70-125.pdf

But here's what I think about marriage:

You aren't obliged to do it and it shouldn't be on some arbitrary 'bucket list'.

Don't rush into it.

Don't do it too young, unless in special circumstances.

Don't do it if you know you can't meet the commitment.

Once you decide to do it, know and respect what you are signing up for.

Be prepared for tough times, because they will and most certainly do come.

And:

Prepare yourself for something magical and beautiful to share with another person. Watch your love grow from it's crazy, lust-filled early stages into maturity and partnership around which you can build a family - which you can then share with other family and friends in a fantastic sense of community and connectedness. Which in itself is a little piece of magic.

Before I had kids I remember having a conversation with friends at a dinner party and the question went up: What is the main purpose of existence? One of the big ticket items. Schools of Philosophy have been built on it. And you know, you can imagine the responses, but one of the Mothers said; 'To reproduce'. I was really disgusted by the simplicity of that at the time - it offended me for a whole host of reasons.

But on an evolutionary level, she was spot on. In a SOCIAL sense, marriage supports this too. (In most cases) It's the 'institution' that teaches us values, respect, social conditioning, love, empathy, compassion, harmony, commitment etc etc. The attributes that make us functional and valuable members of our social group. And the fact is that humans are social beings and our success as a species has been built on that.

So I think it is an integral part of us and I don't see that really diminishing. A world full of single parent families ain't going to turn out to well.

What I do think is that some of the social factors AROUND marriage, such as Religion, Gender Roles and other things will affect it from time to time and come and go, but my feeling is that it will remain an integral part of who we are.

All in my opinion of course.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Tamarama JAN. 23, 2016 - 09:59AM JST It's the 'institution' that teaches us values, respect, social conditioning, love, empathy, compassion, harmony, commitment etc etc. The attributes that make us functional and valuable members of our social group. And the fact is that humans are social beings and our success as a species has been built on that.

If that's the case, why is half the population in Japan is not married? It probably don't teach you values. It's more about baggage in marriage.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

If that's the case, why is half the population in Japan is not married?

I guess they don't want to. Or haven't found someone they want to marry.

But almost all of them were the result of a marriage. Right?

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@Tamarama. You know everything about relationships. +U posted lots of stats, links, etc, , , ,

You're either really controlling, in a relationship, or you're the real, "deal."

Nevertheless, Your 2 cents is usually making sense throughout these forums . . . keep goin' girl-

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52% of divorces in 2014 were from 60 years and older people. Therefor, the retirement affect, effects the stats.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Therefor, the retirement affect, effects the stats.

affects

-2 ( +2 / -4 )

Yup, I was affected in my glory to state effective stats and affectingly messed up my grammar. :-)

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Haha nice :)

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Wc626

No, I don't know everything about relationships at all, it's just my opinion based on my experiences. It's just a set of thoughts in response to a particular post, part of a broader discussion.

I think it's true that marriage is not what is was, but I don't think it's an irrelevant, obsolete institution.

Cheers for the support though, appreciate that.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

. . . in other words: Marriage in the world doesn't work today. Its an institution that is in decay.

Marriage still works for those who want it to work. The difference is that less people feel the need to prioritize marriage over their personal interests, and/or are unwilling to stay in a marriage that isn't satisfying to them. The institution still works for what it is, it's just that less people are subscribing to that institution. Which is fair enough - if someone doesn't think marriage will work for them, it probably won't, and they are better off not getting married.

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strange: :-)

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The difference is that less people feel the need to prioritize marriage over their personal interests, and/or are unwilling to stay in a marriage that isn't satisfying to them.

You summed it up perfectly. This is why most marriages (don't know about other countries but) in the US end in divorce. Less people willing to stay in a situation which might be too 1-sided. Men should always wear the pants.

Marriage still works for those who want it to work.

But then again, there's an old saying that goes: "Its cheaper-to-keep-her." So even if they want it to work, some men are compelled to stay there. Because in the back of their minds they don't want to lose their cars, boats, pay alimony and or child support.

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Men should always wear the pants

Walking into a marriage with that attitude in the 21st century virtually guarantees you a divorce....

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Walking into a marriage with that attitude in the 21st century virtually guarantees you a divorce....

Exactly cleo . . . thanks for illustrating my point. Too much 1-sided feminine favoritism in the world. Guys get persecuted for any little thing. No wonder divorce lawyers are rolling in the bank-

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

Too much 1-sided feminine favoritism in the world.

Being equal partners in a marriage is not '1-sided feminine favouritism'. It's what marriage is all about, and it's liberating for both partners.

36th anniversary coming up this year. I know what I'm talking about.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

36th anniversary coming up this year. I know what I'm talking about.

@cleo. Congrats. (sincerly) Now does he get his "way" at times? or do you always wear the pants?

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Now does he get his "way" at times?

Of course he does. About as often as I get my "way". Isn't that what being equal partners is all about?

Most of the time though there is no need for either of us to get our "way" to the detriment of the other. We're a team, both facing the same direction, striving for the same goals. We've got each other's backs.

Maybe one day you'll find a nice lady who can persuade you that you don't need to wear your pants all the time. :-)

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Most of the time though there is no need for either of us to get our "way" to the detriment of the other. We're a team, both facing the same direction, striving for the same goals. We've got each other's backs.

I think this is what makes a successful marriage. Marriages where either/both of the participants are looking at it as an adversarial relationship, where it's either them or me, are not usually going to be so successful. Marriages where both participants are looking at it as a team effort are more likely to work with each other to ensure the success of the relationship, and life within it.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

@cleo. Great post. You're a far better woman than the one's I've been with in my time. I totally agree about "having each others back."

Maybe one day you'll find a nice lady

I know. Its hard to have a good attitude, there will always be some degree of fussing & bickering though.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

there will always be some degree of fussing & bickering though.

Of course there will be. I don't believe any married couple who claim they have never had a fight. We've had a few real humdingers, and plenty of tiny scuffles. My philosophy is that they knock the rough edges off, and help you fit closer together afterwards.

Just ask yourself if the problem, whatever it is, is really worth continuing to bicker over to the detriment of your relationship. And occasionally, take your troosers off. :-)

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Told her plain if you can't trust me that much it shows your insecurity in me.

Very few women exist that trust their man to go out on a one-on-one dinner. Even a lot of the ones that say it is no big deal have a bit of hostility in them.

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Interesting that only 77% thought that having sex with another guy would be considered cheating.

I'll bet any money that if the shoe was on the other foot and these women were asked if their BF was having sex with another woman and if that was cheating the number would be closer to if not 100%.

@Yubaru well watch the video from asian boss youtube channel https://youtu.be/ENscSDOsodE

You'll be surprised how many japanese people think that sex /prostitution doesn't count as cheating as long as it doesn't involve love or feeling. It doesn't mean that the %23 girls who said sex doesn't count as cheating are sexist.

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