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Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Send it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com.
Dear Hilary,
Like a lot of people who come to Japan, I came for the culture. At first it was anime and manga, but after I got here I became completely obsessed with Japanese traditions – especially holidays. I celebrate everything I can, and New Year’s is no exception. I even took classes on different subjects so I wouldn’t be disrespectful. In fact, my Japanese ex and I used to go to traditional events together.
However, early this year I started dating someone new (he’s Japanese too), and about a week ago when I mentioned that I was excited to make my own osechi again. He gave me this really rude look and asked why I bothered since I’m foreign. He said that it was “weird” to want to make osechi or to go to a shrine and that I should be drinking champagne and having a “real party like normal people” do. I laughed it off, but now I feel really awkward about talking about anything related to end-of-the-year plans with him.
He’s already started talking about what we’re doing for Christmas, which oddly enough, in his mind is a totally Japanese style date, but now I’m not so sure I want to do that, or anything with him to be honest. I’ve been using work as an excuse not to see him at the moment because I really can’t figure out what his issue is. What do you think?
– Akeome
Dear Akeome,
Wow! Before I get into your message, I just want to say how impressed I am that you make your own osechi, or traditional Japanese New Year’s foods. I’ve only ever attempted it once but I’m pretty sure toshi-koshi soba is my limit.
You seem to disagree with what your boyfriend is saying, which is entirely understandable. I’m curious as to why he feels it’s so strange for you to celebrate a traditional Japanese New Year’s though. The whole “why bother since you’re foreign” in particular stands out to me.
First things first: have you taken part in, celebrated, or otherwise shown an understanding of or appreciation for Japanese traditions thus far in your relationship? Did he make any comments, positive or negative about that? Did he join in or did he refuse to take part?
If so and the comments were positive and/or he took part as well, then it could be that he has a problem with New Year’s specifically. It’s the end of the year, people are stressed out at work, there can be a lot of pressure to make things a certain way for family’s sake and so on. It can also be a depressing or difficult time of year. For example, an acquaintance of mine lost several family members around the New Year, and as such doesn’t celebrate it in the traditional fashion. Another friend is estranged from their family and goes out to parties instead.
t could also just be osechi itself that is the issue – I know at least four Japanese people that absolutely hate the stuff and would rather eat anything else. Or your boyfriend might simply prefer a Western-style New Year’s bash to a Japanese one and be struggling to explain this sentiment to you.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend is chronically negative or put-off by your appreciation of Japanese culture, his comment could be symptomatic of a different problem with your relationship. If he, for example, takes issue with you wearing a yukata/kimono, visiting temples and shrines, or even something as small as using chopsticks, then he might be gatekeeping his culture or trying to keep you foreign for his own purposes.
Does he mock or put down Japanese culture? Or is your appreciation of Japanese culture a common complaint of his? I might start to question why he’s dating you if that’s the case. He may not be dating you for you so much as dating you because you’re not Japanese.
It’s not that uncommon for some Japanese men (across all age groups) to have a foreign fetish as it were and to use dating someone non-Japanese to make themselves feel better, or even elevate their social or career status. Some do as it gives them the appearance of being worldly or even capable of speaking another language, when in fact they cannot.
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7 Comments
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girl_in_tokyo
The very same could be said for the foreign women dating Japanese men. This woman seems to have a love for Japan that is out of proportion to her number of years in Japan and knoweldge of the culture. She lacks balance and can't seem to accept that her bf just isn't interested in some traditions, which is not at all unusual with young people.
I also can't imagine a well-balanced Japanese person would find it pleasant to date a foreigner who was obsessed with all things Japan any more than a foreigner would find it pleasant to date a Japanese who is unbalanced in their obsession with all things foreign.
Some people might feel flattered that their partner is so interested in their country and culture, but loving a country and a culture is not nearly enough to base a relationship on. And how can you know that this person is really interested in you and not just interested in you because you are (nationality)?
My advice to this girl would be to find some balance. Go on and make the osechi and eat it on January 1, but do so as you are nursing your hangover from clubbing and champagne on NY eve. Chill, girl - no one under 50 stays home and watches Kohaku.
Kyo wa heiwa dayo ne
Her boyfriend has double standards and doesn't respect or appreciate his girlfriends interest of Japanese culture.
Japan is filled with foreign influences and products and foreign culture.
Where does he think all this stuff he's accustomed to came from and who invented it ?
Everything from clothes , lighting , electricity .the bicycle and of course foreign holidays like Christmas and Halloween.
Look around and you can see for yourself.
Its admirable that foreigners have interest in Japanese tradition.
Maybe this man could learn how to be a gentleman.
Numan
Like the author mentioned, the Japanese guy seems to be using his foreign girlfriend as a fetish to inflate his own ego and peers. It is quite easy when a Japanese man comes a cross a Japanophile from the West or a woman from a third-world country. Japanese men date more foreigners than Japanese women; however, Japanese women are more notorious. Very rarely do Japanese women date or marry men from third world countries because of the financial obligation.
Pato
Once, I had a similar experience. I was dating a Japanese girl, and she was kinda tired of Japanese culture. For instance, she was happy whenever her attitude was called non-japanese. So that's why she preferred to date non-Japanese dudes, I figured.
It's almost like someone's preferred partner's culture reflects someone's interest, or what they are tired of. In case of this text, she was happy to date a Japanese dude because she's obsessed with Japanese culture. While he is tired of Japanese culture. For him, dating a foreigner reflects his desire to experience foreign culture.
Realizing that made me stop dating girls who are overly interested in foreign culture. My obsession with Japan does not fit their obession with foreign culture.
Yrral
Japan do have a real Christmas, they are just appropriation of western culture,
Yrral
Pato in America, you can experience any culture, by just the people you meet