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Letters From Japan: 'Did he just want to try sleeping with a foreign woman?'

25 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with the subject "Ask Hilary."

Hi Hilary,

I just moved to Tokyo in July this year and I met a Japanese guy who wanted me to tutor him in English. In our first appointment, he showed an interest in me and asked whether I was in a relationship. In the second, he started being physical, like holding my hands while studying and in public, putting his hand on my waist, and laying his head on my shoulder. After that, we went to see the movie at an internet cafe and he even became aggressive like laying his head on my breast, kissing my neck and ears, kissing my lips, and showing other signs that he wanted to have sex with me. So I stopped him before it went too far. I am wondering if he had a real interest in me, or just wanted to try sleeping with a foreign woman, or just a one night stand. Please give me some advice because I have been thinking about it for days. – English Tutor

Dear English Tutor,

First off, welcome to Japan! I’m sorry this has been one of your first dating experiences here. And when I say dating, I mean dating. This guy was clearly not looking for just an English tutor. What did you tell him about your relationship status? Were you clear that this was a “tutor-student” situation, or did you say you were interested in dating? If you told him you were interested in dating (and didn’t say you didn’t want to date him), that wasn’t a second tutoring appointment, that was a date in his mind.

Did you meet him on a “find a teacher” app or website? If so, beware. Those are notoriously full of people (men and women) looking for hookups, or people selling sexual services—not English lessons. Yes, it’s not at all what those apps and websites are meant to be, but that’s the reality of the situation. It’s like the people selling MLM services on Tinder and Bumble.

Click here to read more.

© Savvy Tokyo

©2019 GPlusMedia Inc.

25 Comments
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I did not know that apps are meant to be for what they are not.

It makes me think that there ar emany company names which fools about their activity, like Softbank, which is not a bank.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I am wondering if he had a real interest in me, or just wanted to try sleeping with a foreign woman, or just a one night stand.

There's only one way to find out for sure.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

I am wondering if he had a real interest in me, or just wanted to try sleeping with a foreign woman, or just a one night stand.

Well, one of the three. How would anyone know from the limited amount of information from the letter?

2 ( +3 / -1 )

“In the second, he started being physical, like holding my hands while studying and in public, putting his hand on my waist, and laying his head on my shoulder.”

This is hardly normal for an English teaching session. If not interested in dating or having sex with the student, this second lesson would have been the place for making the situation clear.

7 ( +7 / -0 )

he even became aggressive like laying his head on my breast, kissing my neck and ears, kissing my lips, and showing other signs that he wanted to have sex with me. So I stopped him before it went too far.

Unsolicited and unwanted attention?! Then things have already gone too far. (hope it's just a made-up/fake tabloid story and that ET's not a real person. Otherwise she's one confused woman with very low self esteem).

Blokes get slapped for less than that in the real world (at least in europe/oz) and rightly so.

7 ( +7 / -0 )

First off, welcome to Japan! I’m sorry this has been one of your first dating experiences here. And when I say dating, I mean dating. This guy was clearly not looking for just an English tutor. 

Why sorry that a guy was physically attracted to her? She may be looking for a boyfriend as well and accompanied this guy to an Internet cafe for a movie.

0 ( +4 / -4 )

As goldarak says, I hope this is fake letter. How many red flags does this women need?

The only way I can see it is real would be if the woman is from a less enlightened country where women are expected to put up with unwanted touching.

8 ( +8 / -0 )

He behaved inappropriately at the first meeting, yet later she says after groping her she stopped him before he went to far. Alarm bells at the first.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

@Luddite: He behaved inappropriately at the first meeting

Are you serious? She wrist that "In our first appointment, he showed an interest in me and asked whether I was in a relationship." Anyone who has taught in Japan knows that such questions are standard from kids up to grannies. 

The woman's question above is simple. Does this guy like her or just want a notch in his belt? None of you seem capable of addressing that. I would advise her that if SHE is interested in dating him to take it slow and make sure he is not a player unless that is what she wants.

0 ( +3 / -3 )

And Japanese women complain that guys aren't like this anymore and avoid physical contact at all costs. There are physically aggressive men in all countries, far from a Japan thing.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

Are you serious? She wrist that "In our first appointment, he showed an interest in me and asked whether I was in a relationship."

She was doing her job, she wasn't there as a potential date or to answer personal questions. Inappropriate.

If you think this is OK you need to examine your own behaviour.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

She was doing her job, she wasn't there as a potential date or to answer personal questions. Inappropriate.

I don't think it's as cut and dry as that. A lot of these teachers are teaching English conversation. These are questions that people can and do ask in English.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

@Luddite: If you think this is OK you need to examine your own behaviour.

Actually I was only ever on the receiving end of such personal questions and I answered them straight that I had a girlfriend or was married as the case may be. Normal human conversation for 99% of the population.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

Well I would say the answer is he probably just wanted to sleep with a foreign woman BUT many guys are at first just physically attracted and want to have sex but then actually start to like you as a person.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

In the second, he started being physical, like holding my hands while studying and in public, putting his hand on my waist, and laying his head on my shoulder.

So she then agreed to go on a date with him, which involved sitting in close proximity in a darkened room. If she wasn't interested, she should have declined the invitation, given the signals he had already given.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

You let a guys touch you all over, call it tutoring, and he even had his hands on ur body and his head on ur breast?

Girl, theres not a lot wrong with this guy...theres a lot wrong with YOU if you are an adult and don’t know whats going on.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

It's possible that this woman is just incredibly naive. If not, she's lacking in the common sense to survive in this world. The guy acts all physical, and then wants to take you to a private place, and you agree, and suddenly youre surprised about his intentions?

0 ( +1 / -1 )

He did all that mauling/groping and she did nothing? Let a foreigner try that and she'd have slapped him silly. Lol two times. Advice? Ha! Ha!

2 ( +3 / -1 )

”laying his head on my breast, kissing my neck and ears, kissing my lips, and showing other signs that he wanted to have sex with me............So I stopped him before it went too far.”

And then I went to church the next day to confess and seek absolution for my sins.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

I agree this doesn't pass the sniff test.

It would be plausible if it were a foreign male with a local Japanese female, but this scenario just seems totally unrealistic.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Holding hands on the 1st appointment was already too far. You made him think that you were dtf by letting him do that.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

If you didn’t want to go further with him, you should have stopped it when he held your hand or rested his head on your body. Japanese are not very touchy with the opposite sex. So you going to a place to be alone with him probably sent the signal to him that you were okay with sleeping with him.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Reckless, totally agree! Funny, everyone trying to be so moral and judgemental when it comes to someone else's life. It was just an asking for suggestions, if you don't have one, no need to make an annual evaluation of the actions of others. There is a lot of things to take care about in our own lives.

0 ( +0 / -0 )

I am trying to imagine what "aggressively" laying one's head on someone else's breasts looks like.

It is kind of like repeatedly head butting someone's boobs?

If so, it's a weird kink.

Has the author never had anyone hit on her before?

Perhaps persistent or forward might have been a better word to use?

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Hi Hilary! I have a question that requires both mind reading and a crystal ball. Perhaps even a seance since you won't meet the person in question or hear his side. Can you use these skills and tools to give me a clear answer?

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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