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Letters From Japan: 'He wants to take a two-year break … and then marry me'

13 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you'd like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with the subject "Ask Hilary."

Hello Miss Hilary!

I have a problem with my Japanese boyfriend. We have been dating for two years and I would say that we have a very good relationship.

He was involved in a minor incident 7 months ago and he needed to face the police, but all was settled well. Then one day he told me that one of his colleagues has been called in to see the police because of him, but again the problem was settled. Then problems with our relationship began. In the past few weeks, he’s been acting so weird that I asked him what was going on? He told me he wants us to get married early, but I am working on a two-year contract and I can’t drop what I’m doing immediately for him. He said he understood that, and after a few days, he told me that he wants his freedom for two years, and after my contract ends, we will get married. I asked him why, and he gave some reasons, but promised that we would get married in two years. I told him that I don’t want to end the relationship, and he said he doesn’t either but wants to have time for himself. I’m very confused now. Should I consider this as a break up even if he says we’ll get married after my contract ends? – Two Years Wait

Dear Two Years Wait,

My instinctive reaction when I heard your story was to worry about you. When Japanese partners have problems with the police, it can sometimes turn nasty for visa holders, but I’m glad that that’s not the case here.

However, this “wanting time for himself” is a rather common “trend” I’ve noticed in recent years — you’re not the first woman I’ve spoken to about this sort of situation, and I don’t think you’ll be the last. Japanese women as well have messaged me with this same story, so it seems to be fairly evenly dispersed between Japanese and multicultural relationships alike. The one thing that every single message has had in common is that this request comes from the guy first and tends to involve him needing to “find himself,” “needing some space,” or “not feeling ready.”

Based on my previous experience and discussions with Japanese men on the issue of “needing time,” I will go straight into the conclusion that he’s not ready to marry you, and wants to explore his options before “settling” or “coming back to what’s reliable.” Your boyfriend doesn’t want to be your boyfriend until he can do whatever he wants — which means putting you in limbo for two years while he dates/sleeps with anyone else he wants. As one of the men I discussed this with said, “he thinks of (you) as a security blanket: always there when you need it, even if you forget it in the closet.”

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13 Comments
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Dear Two Years Wait,

Run away. Quickly. And don't look back.

Regards

BY

6 ( +7 / -1 )

Move on. Like they say, "there's plenty of koi in the pond!"

6 ( +7 / -1 )

cut tie and look elsewhere.

5 ( +5 / -0 )

Classic case of self sabotage. He said let's get married early, she threw up a 2 year contract as an impediment. He got the drift and asked for 2 years off to save face. Clearly she doesn't know what she wants and her inner mind probably doesn't want to marry a guy who has trouble with the police.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Why she put off the marriage for 2 years beats me. Looks like she’s the one who doesn’t want to commit. Is the 2 year contract she has a legal show stopper?

4 ( +4 / -0 )

In the two year period he’s promised to be celibate?

Sounds like true love to me then!

2 ( +3 / -1 )

Seems a fairly reasonable arrangement. He obviously is forward thinking taking into account your situation regarding your two year contract. Hey...whatever I gave up a while back on trying to work out some people’s motives, take my son...he’d rather screw up a Trinity Uni exchange program for some wannabe artist down Shimo...I give up I tell you, Good luck to both of you

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Does the two-year contract stipulate that you cannot marry?

But if he wants a two-year break, I think it’s safe to assume that he isn’t that into you. I would split with him. The period of separation may actually help bring you together, but unlikely. Whether he realises it or not, he is letting you down gently.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Gullible desu ne !

0 ( +0 / -0 )

At least she (the girlfriend) didn't posted it on Facebook.

this “wanting time for himself” is a rather common “trend

Lol. No, it's not. Ghosting tho, has been around for a while.

2 ( +2 / -0 )

Dump the bum!

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Run away as fast as you can!

You are not a toy!

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Call me old fashioned, but it sounds like there is a serious lack of actual love and passion involved in this relationship.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

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