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Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with the subject "Ask Hilary."
Dear Hilary,
I’m a Japanese woman in my late 30s, married to an American man for 11 years. We have no children, and both work full time (he teaches English, I work in an office). Recently I learned that he is cheating on me with another Japanese woman. Our marriage was happy, I thought. Last year he said he was having heart problems, so we stopped having sex. He is always tired and works very late, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with our marriage until I saw his messages to this other woman. He had cheated before when we were dating, but he was young at the time and I forgave him. He said he would stop seeing her, but I don’t trust him anymore. I loved him, but I think I have had enough. I talked to my friends about divorce, but they are housewives and think it isn’t a good idea for my future. What do you think is my best choice? – Tired Of This
Dear Tired Of This,
My short answer: divorce him! Honestly speaking, it is regrettable that you even married him in the first place, but as we all know, we never get married thinking it won’t work. People might claim to change, but cheating is not something that I could forgive, nor do I recommend forgiving it unless in extreme circumstances (which are overall very unlikely).
My longer answer though, took more thought. You said that you don’t trust him, and that you have had enough. I can understand that completely. I’ve been in that situation before, and know it’s not an easy decision to come to. Therefore I want you to make sure that you aren’t going to regret your decision in the future; that may be what your friends were trying to express.
According to specialists, one of the reasons that divorce is more prevalent now is that women aren’t financially dependent on their husbands anymore. A woman can go out, get a job, and fully support herself – which is something that in our parents’ generations simply wasn’t possible, or even tolerated in some societies.
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17 Comments
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Dirk T
There are two sides to every story. Many Japanese wives lose their passion for sex soon after after marriage. The Japanese "sexless marriage" isn't an America-driven phenomenon, is it?
Belrick
My ex wife lost interest in doing virtually anything with me after we married. She even told me, many many times, to "Go get a girlfriend!" I was definitely not okay with that. But, after 11 years of hearing the same thing over and over again, and her serious lack of intimacy (our last year together, we had sex just 3 times and she always told me 'haiyaku' (be quick)).
Ultimately, I found divorce papers she'd prepared so I gave her what she wanted.
Now I'm happily living with a new woman and she is literally my best friend! The ex wife is angry and bitter. If course she is, because I ruined her social status by agreeing to divorce her! Marriage is a two way street! So the lady in this article should be asking herself why.
Moral of the story is: You can keep a dog on the porch, but if you don't feed it, it's going to break loose and go find food elsewhere!
Vince Black
Spot on, belrick.
If she ignores her husband both emotionally and sexually and then he goes and gets that from somebody else, I don't think she has any right to complain. it is her fault she needs to take responsibility for the end of their marriage
fishy
out of curiosity - do some men want 2 warm beds?
fishy
Reckless
Thank you, and that was my point.
Some people are assuming she was ignoring him, and that was why he cheated.
If a man wants two warm beds, or if he goes to a bed that has a younger woman in it, then even if and when a wife keeps their bed warm, she does not have enough power.
Serrano
I talked to my friends about divorce, but they are housewives and think it isn’t a good idea for my future.
Those friends are not very good friends, Missy. Hilary has the right advice - divorce the cheater!
mike1492
Bummer….
Black Sabbath
Reckless,
Maybe.
For me, happiness is staying with the love of my life, and the mother of my children. I am not saying my way is the best, only the best for me. For what I want.
I want to grow old with her. I want to take care of her, and have her take care of me.
That is the what I want most.
Bobolicious
This sounds like buying stuff on the tv shopping channel. Once you get it home, you use it a few times, realize it's a dud and toss it in the closet.
oldman_13
When the passion and romance have faded, unless there was something more holding the relationship together other than convenience, one or the other party will stray.