Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to email@example.com with the subject "Ask Hilary."
This isn’t something I feel comfortable talking to anyone in my life about. I’ve been dating a Japanese guy for almost a year now, and while he’s generally a great guy, our sex life is ruining my mental health.
When we first started dating, we had “normal sex” and things were great. Then he started having trouble getting/staying hard and confessed that vanilla sex doesn’t do it for him. My boyfriend has this whole fantasy that he wants me to play out with him. [Details redacted at her request.] I played along because I love him, but what he says and does make me sick, and I end up feeling physically and mentally wrong for days afterward. I tried talking to him but he says that I must secretly like it and that if I wanted him to be happy, I wouldn’t say no.
Thankfully since the whole Covid thing and because of our work schedules, I haven’t been able to see him as often, and when we do, I tell him I’m on my period and we can’t have sex, which he’s respected so far. I don’t know how much longer I can keep lying to him, because aside from that, he’s a really sweet guy, and it’s starting to make me feel guilty. What am I supposed to do?
Disgusted In Love
Dear Disgusted In Love,
I had to take a few moments to process your full message.
You cannot continue dating this man. This is not a healthy relationship, despite how he may behave outside of sex. You say that he is a sweet guy, but if he is willing to do that to you despite you telling him that you don’t like it, not to mention the fact that he is gaslighting you about you secretly liking it, it says otherwise.
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