lifestyle

Letters from Japan: 'Sex isn’t fun anymore'

17 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you'd like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with the subject "Ask Hilary."

Dear Hilary,

I’m an American woman. I’ve lived in Japan for seven years and have been dating the same Japanese man for four years—living together for two. We have a great relationship. We go out to events regularly, see movies together, we’re like any other couple.

During the last year, our sex life has gotten out of control. We go through these roller coasters of either having sex all the time or having none at all. Right now we’re in the middle of a month-long dry spell. Neither of us has any physical issues (perfect health checks this year!). We both work long hours like everybody else, but otherwise, we are fine. 

When things are good, we both initiate and have no trouble functioning, but then it’s like we get tired of sex. For me, I start feeling like sex gets boring and I don’t want to be the one to initiate. Then I guess my boyfriend gets tired of initiating, and we just stop having sex. When we aren’t having sex we’re still close but then we get frustrated, have these huge fights, and then have make up sex, and start a new cycle all over again.

I’m tired of dealing with this. I know it’s not healthy, but when I talk to my married friends they say that it’s just normal for sex to drop off, or they tell me that in Japan sexless marriages are normal. I don’t want that, and I don’t think my boyfriend does either. How do I break this cycle? Is there something either of us can do to even things out again? – Sorta Sexless In Tokyo

Dear Sexless In Tokyo,

Judging from your email alone, it sounds like you both are attracted to each other and are capable of initiating and enjoying sex. But, you said that eventually “sex gets boring” and you don’t want to initiate, which means if your boyfriend doesn’t initiate it, it doesn’t happen. It sounds like you’re both getting stuck in the same old routine of sex—in other words, you have established a certain rhythm that is easy and satisfying in the moment, but gets boring quickly.

One way to resolve this requires two discussions: one with yourself and one with your partner.

Click here to read more.

© Savvy Tokyo

©2019 GPlusMedia Inc.

17 Comments
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Tinder and/or AM have a solution to your problem.

-2 ( +2 / -4 )

JAV and chill.

3 ( +5 / -2 )

Wait until you get married! I think the French somehow have it figured out.

2 ( +4 / -2 )

It sounds like you’re both getting stuck in the same old routine of sex

What! With all the hentai stuff the Japanese have, ya'll still stuck in the same old routine?

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Sounds like a normal relationship to me.

3 ( +4 / -1 )

The problem is Not between a man and a woman in the relationship.

The problem is the relationship between Your Heart and Your Body.

Try to solve link between two first.

-2 ( +0 / -2 )

Go to a soapland

-1 ( +4 / -5 )

maybe there isnt enough meat in the relationship

1 ( +2 / -1 )

My advice is to spice things up and talk about climate change.

6 ( +6 / -0 )

I think the French somehow have it figured out.

Nah. The French tell you they've got it all figured out, but you watch their movies and it's all relationships between 50-something men and 20-something women.

The French don't know any more than the rest of us.

0 ( +3 / -3 )

Nah. The French tell you they've got it all figured out, but you watch their movies and it's all relationships between 50-something men and 20-something women.

But Macron reversed the pattern.

6 ( +7 / -1 )

Plural marriage is traditional and has variety...like capitalism (Why choose only ramen for the rest of your life when you can have corn flakes, spaghetti, tacos, etc?)

2 ( +3 / -1 )

But Macron reversed the pattern.

That's worth a laugh, and an upvote.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Well if you want an up/down cycle to stop you need to set a schedule of some sort. Make a basic rule to stop having binge sex. Once a day, or two or three times a week....pick a frequency and try it for a while until you find what works. Actually mark it on the calendar so you can TALK about the schedule rather than rage while beating around the bush.

Also, try to come up with something new to keep the spice in it. It could be anything...think small....a different room, special clothing, introduction of some fruit in foreplay....just give your partner a chance to opt out if anything and don't get too attached to your new idea.

you watch their movies and it's all relationships between 50-something men and 20-something women.

Two errors above: 1) you look to movies to judge real life 2) you have no evidence that such a relationship is a mistake. In fact, it only points to hang-ups....which help nothing.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

How about role play? You're a naughty English teacher and your hubby is a struggling student. You can teach him the body parts. Or, he is your boss and your his cute secretary. Spice things up and use your imagination.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

Norman Goodman:

Two errors above: 1) you look to movies to judge real life 2) you have no evidence that such a relationship is a mistake. In fact, it only points to hang-ups....which help nothing.

One error above: you assume my comment was meant as a serious analysis of personal relationships, using relationships as depicted in French cinema as evidence for a particular conclusion.

Had you read my comment with your sense of humour switched on, you would have seen it as a rather flip and not at all serious little response to another commenter. That's all.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Time for a change....

0 ( +0 / -0 )

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