Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with a subject "Ask Hilary."
Hi Hilary,
I read about your article the other day and I wonder if you can help me with my situation. I’ve met a wonderful funny Japanese guy online and we’ve talked basically almost everyday for more than 5 hours in a day for the past 3 weeks. And he asked me out on a 2 days 1 night trip to an amusement park and close-by attraction sites. He asked me if I want to share a room with him. I politely declined, saying I’d be much more comfortable if we stay in separate rooms. I thought he would ghost me but he didn’t. He keeps talking to me and despite how he points out how it’ll be nice to share a room together one time, it’s still fun talking for hours with him. Should I meet him or shouldn’t I? Thank you in advance. Best regards – A Curious Girl
Dear Curious Girl,
This is an altogether different situation from asking to have a first date at his place and one that, on the surface sounds pretty positive so far. As long as he isn’t trying to pressure you into staying in his hotel room, then I think this sounds like a reasonable idea.
However, if he is trying to pressure you into staying in his hotel room, or says he will book a room for you and tells you the details later — those are two very big red flags that you can’t ignore. If you can’t book your own accommodations for that night (or he doesn’t show you a proof that he had booked separate rooms as per your request before you go), then I think this date should be postponed until sometime in the future for if/when you two are comfortable sharing a room together.
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26 Comments
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thepersoniamnow
Why dont you just meet for coffee once genius, before ending up in a hotel room? LOL!
sourpuss
There's no shortage of stories these days about pedophiles who put some pretty hard work into catching their "prey." Why should it be any different with creeps? I teach this stuff to high school kids. It's basic common sense now. Just because you talk every day doesn't mean you aren't being "worked."
I'm not saying that this is definitely the case, but why not go for coffee a couple, three times. Maybe dinner and a movie before you commit to an overnight trip.
And while we're on it. Talking for 5 hours every day with someone you've never physically met is a bit ???? Meeting on the internet is not really "meeting." Remember that.
Strangerland
I've approached girls in Starbucks, and seen other guys do it too, and never seen anyone yell creep. The cold shoulder or a snarky comment is about the most I've seen.
Strangerland
Why not? Are you trying to say you cannot form relationships with people you have never seen in person?
I personally beg to differ.
kohakuebisu
She's still only 13 but when the time comes, I'll tell my daughter to meet people from the Net in a big open public space that she knows the first time.
Wakarimasen
Hilary Keyes giving advice to locals on relationships seems a bit odd, but her advice does seem pretty sound.
thepersoniamnow
Kohakuebisu
If she’s thirteen I highly recommend the talk is given tonight. She’s already likely been approached many times in school.
sourpuss
Technically not, if you want to get into semantics.
But what kind of "relationship" do you have if that 5'7" 29 year-old accountant from Seattle named Maria is really 49 year old 6'5" Bob in Texas doing 25 years to life for rape and armed robbery?
Kniknaknokkaer
This is a weird one and he does seem rather desperate to get her away to a hotel, which if she goes, he'll likely lay it on very thick and if he gets his way there she probably won't see him again. It's amazing what lengths some people will go to.
As far as meeting people online goes, sure it can be great but it's advisable for both parties to err on the side of caution. I got chatting to a chick on a music forum years ago and after about a month of chatting online she invited me to hers to go clubbing. I did the long drive up to Sheffield intending to have a fun weekend and ended up hardly leaving her bedroom for a fantastic week. However, initially the whole arrangement was on her terms and not me pushing for it.
sensei258
Reckless is right. If all you're looking for is a booty call, then okay. But if you're looking for a relationship, look elsewhere.
sensei258
If you're talkin 5 hours a day to a complete stranger, maybe you should look inward. Cuz it seems you may have self-esteem issues, a clue to him that you may be vulnerable to his attack.
Strangerland
Or get this, maybe she's not a dinosaur born before the internet, and therefore doesn't have the same biases as the old fogies, and rather just found someone that she meshes with really well.
thepersoniamnow
sensei258
You have a point, but thats not fact across the board. Many many peeps these days that aren’t married are on dating sites.
Strangerland
Older folk don't understand that internet dating does not have the same stigma it used to.
Daniel lafrance
My sister met her husband online but first date should be lunch or coffee not a weekend get away lol!!
Serrano
Agree with thepersoniamnow and Reckless - meet first for lunch/dinner and go from there.
goldorak
Exactly. Funny that ppl who -back in the good old days- indulged in one night-stands with men/women they'd just met at the pub and knew nothing about, now think all men/women you meet online are players/massive creeps! Reeks of insecurity & inability to discern good/bad (in situations, ppl etc).
When you've been chatting/video calling someone for weeks you should know if the bloke/woman is 'ok' (unless 'curious girl' is 16-18, has never dated anyone etc). Doesn't mean she should let her guard down; she should imo trust her instincts & give him/them a chance.
Has to be one of the most un-romantic dating advice I have ever heard! "can you pls fwd to me a copy of the itemised receipt of the booking? ta"
Disillusioned
So, let me get this straight. She met this guy online and hasn't actually met him in person. They've been 'chatting' for three weeks and he asked her to stay in a hotel with him and is persisting they do? How flipping stupid does a woman have to be not to realise this creep just wants to get into her pants. This is the exact same scenario mentioned in the lyrics of the Rollins song, 'Liar'. Wake up lady before you end up used, abused, robbed and possibly dead!
lostrune2
https://savvytokyo.com/letters-from-japan-the-guy-i-met-online-wants-to-go-on-a-trip-together-should-i-say-yes/
The rest of what she says, are the same what many of ya guys are saying, lol
Chico3
She sounds like an airhead to me. Even more so for posting this story. Use your brain, if you have one. If not, ask your mommy and daddy like you did with everything else in your life.
kurisupisu
So, I’ve never met you but I want to have sex with you-how romantic.....?!?
sourpuss
You’re talking about the woman asking for advice, obviously.
The thing about one-night stands with people you meet in a pub is that you’re MEETING them and then deciding. You see what I did there?
sourpuss
Hey! Back in the day I got jiggy with it!
Seriously though, I did the internet dating thing, and that’s why I know what people are like. In my case we always met first for at least a couple of dates to figure out if we were really into each other BEFORE planning hotel stays and trips to Disneyland. Is that really old-fashioned?