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Letters from Japan: 'Was I right to decline a first date at his house?'

15 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues.

Hi Hilary. I got asked out on a first date to a Japanese guy’s apartment. It was an hour away from my place, and, despite talking to each other on the phone a couple of times, I still didn’t feel comfortable going to his apartment for a first date. I told him I didn’t feel right doing that, and he ghosted me. Was I just being paranoid, or did I make the right call? — Safety First or Missed Opportunity?

Dear Safety First,

Let’s get that out of the way first: You made the right choice! Being asked to come over for a first date to a literal stranger’s apartment is a huge red flag. Booty calls are great fun, but in a country with so many love hotels, there’s no reason to go to a stranger’s home for a first date. Not one reason at all.

I’m not trying to say that he had bad intentions for you. He could have just been a lazy man, but the fact that he ghosted you when you declined implies not only that he was purely after sex (not a date), but also that he doesn’t respect you. Japan is known for being a very safe country, but that doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen here. Sexual assault, unfortunately, happens here way more often than reported or revealed in statistics.

Click here to read more.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to editorial@gplusmedia.com with a subject "Ask Hilary."

© Savvy Tokyo

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15 Comments
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I am assuming she met him through a dating site or app and therefore had never met him in person prior to his invitation. If that is so, then of course she should not go to his house for a date. That would be highly dangerous. Advice to my grown up girls and every other young woman: Do not ever get alone with any man that you don't know well or for some other reason have fact based trust in. When dating take your time to get to know a guy before spending time alone with him. Preferably your dates should be men who have trusted acquaintances that you both know.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

Spot on. I was told early on here in Japan that in the popular perception a woman visiting a man's house absolves the man of all responsibility for what might happen there. A woman who does so cannot complain and will not have a leg to stand on later. To avoid trouble, absolutely stay away, unless you can take care of yourself.

OK, so the generations have changed, but have things here changed much since then? Better safe than sorry.

8 ( +9 / -1 )

Agree with the above. You might end up encased in concrete in a bathtub on the veranda or in pieces scattered along some beach. Japan is generally a very safe place - until it's not.

10 ( +10 / -0 )

No shade of gray about this one - to the extent that I am not sure of the purpose of the article except the obvious choice which was made.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

Being asked to come over for a first date to a literal stranger’s apartment is a huge red flag. Booty calls are great fun, but in a country with so many love hotels, there’s no reason to go to a stranger’s home for a first date. Not one reason at all.

I actually disagree with that (and with other posters). A 'first date' at a Love hotel is just a hook-up; a first date at the bloke/girl's place may or may not be a hookup. Dinner, drinks, music, movie, nice convo, 'yep that's where i live, do you like it?' etc and possibly, yes, sex. A 'love hotel' screams 'one night stand' and isnt totally safe either. Nothing wrong with that, each to their own, but pls don't tell me that a girl who says 'yes' to a first date at a love hotel is 'wiser'/smarter. There's no 'zero risk' date anyway, not the first nor the 100th.

Having said that, I agree that, in this case, she made the right call; not because 'first dates at his' are always bad/a big no-no, but only because this guy is obviously a massive jerk (ghosted/snubbed her when she declined).

3 ( +4 / -1 )

What sort of decent bloke would think it appropriate to invite a women to his home on a first date. Only a really selfish or blinkered man would suggest it. Any women who accepts this invitation needs to have her head examined.

4 ( +4 / -0 )

What sort of decent bloke would think it appropriate to invite a women to his home on a first date. 

Me. I did it a bunch, including with my now wife.

You seem to be under the weird impression that there are not women who want to have sex just as much as men.

-2 ( +2 / -4 )

What sort of decent bloke would think it appropriate to invite a women to his home on a first date. Only a really selfish or blinkered man would suggest it. Any women who accepts this invitation needs to have her head examined.

Agree. But like most agony aunt queries, I am not wholly convinced of the veracity of the query.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

She made the correct choice, back when I first washed up on these shores MANY people, both men & women here made it ABUNDANTLY clear that going to another house while single MEANT you were spending the night & sharing breakfast the next day etc

I doubt that has changed much, so YEAH any guy or girl who invites  a STRANGER to their house as a first date is typically not thinking straight or as some have said IT IS NOT A DATE its just a quicky!

2 ( +3 / -1 )

So "booty calls" at love hotels on a first date are perfectly fine?

Yes.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

So "booty calls" at love hotels on a first date are perfectly fine?

perfectly fine if your just looking for a bed buddy, but not really a good idea if your looking for a long term respectable partner .

1 ( +2 / -1 )

respectable partner

snorts

Respectable people don't want to have some safe, enjoyable sex without it having to automatically mean a relationship?

0 ( +0 / -0 )

Smart thing to do. A first date at the least ought to be in a very public place. That's how you find out what the other person is, or at least get some idea. First time out at HIS joint? Stay away from a scenario like that, it sounds like a trap. You go, girl.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

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