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Men more enthusiastic about moving in with girlfriends than vice-versa, survey says

37 Comments
By Casey Baseel, RocketNews24

Living together before marriage is becoming more common in Japan, but a poll suggests there’s still a big gap between how men and women feel about it.

As in many cultures, the common image is that single Japanese women, more than their male counterparts, are the ones who crave commitment in their romantic relationships. However, a recent survey shows there’s at least one situation in which Japanese guys are generally more willing than girls to raise the stakes in a relationship.

Match Alarm, a dating app that work through users’ Facebook accounts, asked 506 men and 257 women, between the ages of 20 and 39, whether or not they want to live together with their romantic partner before getting married. While unwed cohabitation has been slower to catch on in Japan than in many western countries, the majority of respondents from both genders were in favor of sharing a home before walking down the aisle, although in very different proportions.

While 89.7% of men said they were in favor of living together before getting married, only 66.5% of women felt the same way.

The pro-living together camp gave rationales including:

“It helps you get a clear picture of each other’s values” (Male, mid-20s) “Some people change once they start living with someone else.” (Female, mid-30s) “It lets you see each other’s good and bad points.” (Male, early 30s) “If you wait until after getting married to live together for the first time, the differences in your lifestyles can be startling.” (Female, mid-30s)

On the other side of the debate, the anti-cohabitation faction said:

“It’ll make things seem less special after you get married.” (Female, early 30s) “If we’re going to live together, we may as well get married, If we’re just dating, we can stay over at each other’s places when we want to.” (Male, mid-30s) “There are some things you can put up with if you’re married, but would bother you enough that if you were just living together you’d break up.” (Female, mid-30s) “Living together can make you lose the impetus to get married.” (Female, mid-20s)

The last two remarks are especially telling, as they show that some Japanese women are against living together as boyfriend and girlfriend specifically because they want a deeper commitment. This fits with the distribution by age of respondents who were for and against unmarried cohabitation. While men showed just moderate fluctuations between age groups, the number of women who like the idea of living together plummets after respondents hit 25, and doesn’t start rising again until a decade later.

This trench during the late 20s and early 30s matches up with the age range in which many Japanese women say they ideally want to get married, so for those who see cohabitation as sidestepping marriage, maybe it’s not so surprising that they don’t want to have two keys to their home unless there are also a pair of rings for their and their boyfriends’ fingers.

Source: PR Times

Read more stories from RocketNews24. -- Four moments when Japan’s single men are glad they’re not married -- Nearly 40 percent of young, unmarried Japanese people say they don’t want a relationship -- Poll asks Japanese women which is better boyfriend: handsome and dull or ugly and interesting?

© Japan Today

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37 Comments
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Not surprising at all. For 95% of Japanese men, a girlfriend/wife is just a replacement mother. Most don't know how to do laundry, iron, cook, vacuum, clean....

13 ( +16 / -3 )

Very true.

-2 ( +1 / -3 )

Personally, I don't believe in shacking up or living in sin or together or cohabitation etc. In this modern world it seems to be a natural step for some to live together. However it can result in legal issues unforeseen at the time a couple decides to move in together but may not be aware of the legal matters that can arise from moving in together. Some feel that there a number of potential advantages and disadvantages to each choice. In the end it's up to the individual couple to decide which lifestyle is most likely to work for them and their relationship.

-12 ( +4 / -16 )

I think recently young people ideas are gradually changing. For me I have fixed idea that we should live together after marriage without cohabitation. Until then each privacy should be covered and we should keep precious time with our parents. Of course before marriage knowing well each other is better to make a decision of marriage but I think this is Destiny. After cohabitation, it will be difficult to live separately I mean breaking up. Anyhow try their best to get best partner.

-2 ( +5 / -7 )

No surprises in this survey.

kawabegawa - Most don't know how to do laundry, iron, cook, vacuum, clean....

Seemingly the same applies to a not insignificant % of young J-girls recently too, I have heard.

9 ( +12 / -3 )

marcel is correct.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

The girl in the picture is cute as a button, though..

-3 ( +3 / -6 )

Yep! I have to agree with the first comment 100%! Most of these 'men' are just parasites marrying a proxy mother. Gladly though, many women are waking up to the scam and this is why around 50% of women in their mid-30's remain single. My honey and I have been living together for two years and she has cooked my dinner maybe three times and she has NEVER done my washing!

3 ( +6 / -3 )

True for both J-guys and J-girls.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

“There are some things you can put up with if you’re married, but would bother you enough that if you were just living together you’d break up.” (Female, mid-30s) “Living together can make you lose the impetus to get married.” (Female, mid-20s)

The last two remarks are especially telling

Definitely. My ex-fiance & her parents were initially against us living together before marriage. This is the way of thinking of the more conservative element of Japan's population - particularly those out in the countryside. They see living together pre-marriage as a risk, rather than a sort of natural progression in the relationship. Each to their own of course, but my train of thought always was that it'd be better to at least live together first (& iron out all the inevitable 'kinks' that would arise).

As we'd been in a long distance arrangement & only spent short bouts living together, it was the single thing that saved me from a lifetime of torment. We called the engagement off after eight months living together. We drove each other up the wall living together (let's put it down to 'incompatibility). Something we both wouldn't have discovered until it was too late if we'd gone the way of her family's initial wishes (it took years of convincing, trust me).

Like many elements of Japanese society, it is still very much locked in an old-fashioned mindset. Which is totally fine, but this is most definitely something you need to be aware of if you ever think of taking your relationship that one step further here. Most, if not all 'baby boomer' parents will be against you & your significant other living together until you tie the knot. You will never win against his / her family, so be prepared.

4 ( +6 / -2 )

It's ended up being the opposite for me in terms of benefits -- I do nearly everything, including laundry, cooking, shopping, and paying all the bills, etc. Not in ALL cases of course, and it just so happens I love cooking and have a lot of experience living on my own (hence the housework) whereas she still lived with family until marriage. Once in a while.... a very long, long while... she'll stop and say she is lucky and thank me. haha.

1 ( +8 / -7 )

Yep! I have to agree with the first comment 100%! Most of these 'men' are just parasites marrying a proxy mother. Gladly though, many women are waking up to the scam and this is why around 50% of women in their mid-30's remain single. My honey and I have been living together for two years and she has cooked my dinner maybe three times and she has NEVER done my washing!

Good for you. But it sounds like you are calling me a parasite because my wife does most of the cooking and washing. Considering she stopped working before we even officially got engaged and hasn't worked a day since, it would be kind of a stretch to call ME the parasite. For many like me, its just a matter of doing one job vs the other.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

Perso i don't get the 'i could put up with (presumably bad) things once we are married but not as bf/gf'!!

Just shows how insecure/desperate some people are: their priority is to not end up alone/not married. Basically his/her shortcomings are more tolerable the longer you have to put up with them!

Wrong on all counts imo. People should live together before getting married no matter what their nationalities are. And the guys who accept this blackmail are no better than the women who impose their conditions upon them.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Good news. Now maybe they can put a dent into the low birthrate Japan's population is experiencing.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

I my experience as soon has we got married things exchange Yet we been living together for 3 years, The best three years of our 34 year relationship.

0 ( +2 / -2 )

why buy the cow when the milk is free?

1 ( +5 / -4 )

A slightly different issue, but Japanese people living alone are more likely to get married than those still living in the family home. Especially for women in their twenties.

http://ren-ai.jp/15856

Some of the resistance to cohabitation in Japan will be due to people staying in the family home, partly due to poor wages, the lack of furnished accommodation, the difficulty of renting as a group of friends, and stupid rules about key money and reikin. Going from living alone to living with a partner is much easier than going from living with your parents to living with a partner.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

Ah, duh, no kidding. Life at home for a Japanese woman is not usually something to llok forward to unless you love slaving for a lazy salaryman.

-5 ( +0 / -5 )

Therougou - it would be kind of a stretch to call ME the parasite. For many like me, its just a matter of doing one job vs the other.

The perfect response from a chauvinist! So, it is her job to cook and clean for you because you go to work? Hahahaha! Perfect!

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

smithinjapanJul. 22, 2016 - 12:49PM JST

It's ended up being the opposite for me in terms of benefits -- I do nearly everything, including laundry, cooking, shopping, and paying all the bills, etc.

Same here, although wife does work full time, which in her case, because she's Japanese, she's owned by the company, while me, as a gaikoku, get allowances and don't work one minute after my working day is meant to finish.

A few of my friends are the same. I think a lot of it has to do with Japanese are just slobs in their domestic affairs. Their public life is so ordered and precise, home is where to slob out.

While me, my home is my castle, and order and clean, are the essentials of my private life.. the wokplace.. I couldn't give a toss... that's my boss; job.

1 ( +4 / -3 )

the number of women who like the idea of living together plummets after respondents hit 25, and doesn’t start rising again until a decade later

Yeah, its about that time that the girls learn that the guys are just not that into just homespun conversation and chocolate.

Incidentally, in the picture the couple look quite involved in making up some chocolate at home. The cute girl looks far more into it than the less bemused-looking guy.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

Not surprising at all. For 95% of Japanese men, a girlfriend/wife is just a replacement mother. Most don't know how to do laundry, iron, cook, vacuum, clean....

95% of women just want wallet anyway, while men second mother. I think it's a fair trade.

1 ( +3 / -2 )

Personally, I don't believe in shacking up or living in sin or together or cohabitation etc.

Whatever happened to the lesson from he or she without sin, cast the first boulder?

0 ( +1 / -1 )

My honey and I have been living together for two years and she has cooked my dinner maybe three times and she has NEVER done my washing!

Time for trade in me thinks :p Honestly I think its best if wife and husband do the cooking together. Can be a lot of fun. Or better still if you can afford it, just eat out more.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

No need to run for the bus when you're already on it.

-1 ( +0 / -1 )

My honey and I have been living together for two years and she has cooked my dinner maybe three times

Unless you're a masochist or a professional chef, as time passes, that will come to seem increasingly less wonderful.

-3 ( +0 / -3 )

Don't let a Japanese woman move in with you.

It's all downhill from there.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

However, a recent survey shows there’s at least one situation in which Japanese guys are generally more willing than girls to raise the stakes in a relationship.

Right. Guys get the benefits of a relationship without commitment.

One woman said: "Living together can make you lose the impetus to get married.”

Exactly. And, actually statistics show that couples that live together are more prone to divorce than those who do not. It's common, but there are good reasons to avoid this.

-1 ( +1 / -2 )

95% of women just want wallet anyway, while men second mother. I think it's a fair trade. it might help if you love each other as well.

-1 ( +2 / -3 )

All but 2 of the 20 or so girlfriends I've had in Japan were absolutely horrible housemakers. My current girl is banned from using any of my imported ingredients in her inedible creations.

-2 ( +3 / -5 )

People who live together are more likely to get divorced once they do finally get married. They were never able to fully commit at first and that shows up later during the marriage.

2 ( +3 / -1 )

When I was in my 20s and 30s I saw moving in together as a natural step to take in a relationship. It nearly always led to the end if it after a couple of years. I enjoyed the home-cooked meals, company and shared expenses, but we fought. I've been single a while now and prefer it in many ways, including the living situation. I would not be in a rush to share my space again. My ex was terribly untidy, rarely cleaned and worst of all, snored. If you can afford to live alone, it's better in many ways. Especially if you are the kind of guy who can take care of himself.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I Have never really understand the concept marriage. Is it a produce issued by a corporation with taboo attached? Like a Credit Card, the more your draw on the marriage the harder it becomes to manage.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

I wonder if the results of this survey would change if Japan has some regulations for common law partners or spouse as some areas of the world do.

http://www.legal-info-legale.nb.ca/en/uploads/file/pdfs/Living_Common_Law_EN.pdf

1 ( +2 / -1 )

I think marriage gets a bum rap these days because we are mostly in it for our own benefit and do not really commit to each other like we should. I believe the Creator knew what He was doing when He established marriage as the norm. Unfortunately, many of us evaluate marriage using a "me first" type of standard. If we can see the immediate benefit, then we'll do it. But true love involves sacrifice and commitment and when both sides understand this and are willing to work on it, the value is there and outweighs the sacrifices made. We all have our moments which makes it difficult for our partner to put up with, but learning to forgive and work through issues leads to a deeper more stable marriage. Sure, you can avoid the commitment, use your partner for sex, save your money for yourself, and live for yourself and be relatively happy for a while, but we were made for relationship and marriage has always been the foundation of society. the further we stray from this, the worse off our society(and we personally) will be. Child rearing takes time, patience, commitment, love, sacrifice, and money, but I love it! It's worth every bit of whatever sacrifice is involved. "Me first" is not always the way to happiness.

3 ( +3 / -0 )

All but 2 of the 20 or so girlfriends I've had in Japan were absolutely horrible housemakers

Now that's something to be proud of and in need of publishing. Says something about will to commit also I'd think.

1 ( +2 / -1 )

tjguy: I was commitment and used my partner for self gratification and so did my Partner used me. Because of this need for gratification it may result in a by-product which are children which both Partner are aware. This child or these children bring far more pleasure then pleasure of having lust which was the sole intention of both Partners. When certain Theramones are detected by the male his brain is not think it time to breed. The Male is thinking Lust and Desire.

0 ( +1 / -1 )

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