Dating someone from a culture different from your own while living in that culture is an exciting prospect that many people look forward to when living overseas. However, the actual experience can be both thrilling and culture shock-inducing, especially when language differences are involved. So, how do couples in multilingual relationships in Japan do it?
In addition to my own experiences, I asked five successful couples about their relationships. I learned that while there are various approaches to building a successful multilingual relationship, there are two major points to keep in mind regardless of how long you have been together.
1. Acknowledge That Personalities Change Based On Language and Location

According to psychologists and linguists who have studied multilingual people, depending on which language you are speaking, your personality can be very different. You can feel more comfortable or be more expressive in one language over another. When it comes to being in a multilingual relationship, this means that the dynamic of your relationship may change dramatically between your common languages.
A good example is an experience my friends Toshi and Jane had when they were traveling overseas:
Both speak English and Japanese with one another. They talk mostly in Japanese in public and English at home. However, when they were traveling in the U.S., Toshi “turned into the most affectionate person I’ve ever seen,” said Jane.
“He was more outgoing, very opinionated and wanted to hold my hand. He even put his arm around my waist and kissed me in public. It was such a change and a great, very romantic three-week trip as a result. But as soon as we touched down in Narita, that guy was gone! Toshi was back to being his Japanese self. I found myself feeling less attracted to him because I was so impressed with his English personality. Once we got settled into our normal routine, he was back to being the man I fell in love with but it was a tough couple of days.“
Similar stories came from every couple I spoke with. Both sides had the same thing to say: their personality and the way they spoke, especially in another country, were very different from how they felt in Japan. Most of the guys were afraid that they might lose their partners as a result of the difference. According to Toshi: “I was never more afraid of her breaking up with me than I was during that train ride back from Narita. I don’t think she spoke more than three words to me the whole time.“
What can you and your partner do?
Make an effort to know and recognize the differences in yourself between the languages, and see them in your partner as well. Talk about what these differences mean, and how you feel about issues that they may bring up. But don’t push it too far. You can’t force sudden changes and you can’t expect people to be as you want them to be. Understanding where it comes from and establishing small changes in your daily routine to form a balanced relationship between the “perfect them” and “the normal them” is a natural progression that will help both of you feel comfortable in the relationship. That way, even when you’re jet-lagged and dragging yourself back to your routine, you won’t wonder why you’re with the other person.
2. Understand and Respect Both Cultures Equally
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8 Comments
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DanteKH
I am happily married and with children with my beautiful Japanese wife for 15 years now. There are ups and downs, like in any marriage, culture clashes, however, we learned from eachother and specially learn to accept the beauty part of each culture, and ignore the not so good sides.
It's all about tolerance, acceptance, and when you love someone, all those so call obstacles are just like leafs in the wind.
Any people that love eachother, or marry out of love, not interest, can go over any cultural issues that might be.
Hercolobus
Dante, you could have not said it any better. Blessing to you and your family.
I myself married a Filipino, and yes, many ups and downs.
Laguna
I barely spoke a word of Japanese when I married my wife, and she had grade-school English. With the benefit of living in Japan, though, my Japanese ability quickly surpassed her English. We had 30 years of blissful (well, mostly) marriage until she died two years ago. Nothing can replace her.
Lasloudji kamal
I been attrack by girlsfreinships along my education way as I like to leave in romance kind of life.It’s define my person while learning language especially English is interest me.I often be accompany by one of a skilled représentant of Japan embassy althougth I opportunatly hold a registration fee in accordance with this one witch it’s express my life as a single body.
kohakuebisu
I think its more important to respect your partner as a person, as an individual, not as a product of their culture. Anyone who has travelled will likely cherry pick which aspects of their culture are still important to them. Other ideas will have weakened or been discarded. To quote the 1960s hippies, its not where you're from, its where you're at.
If you have very strong ideas about childraising and want children, I recommend learning all you can about your partner's expectations and cultural norms about it. There are massive potential flashpoints. Having children will change your relationship way more than simply getting married.
GuruMick
Yeah to all above...but you still will argue like any other couple.
Arguments and solutions are where you will see the "cultural aspects " of your partner.
My God, Japanese women can be stubborn !!
Abe234
In arguments, there is also language/cultural difference. (I think) The Japanese language may use words, like OMAE, that are different, and they don't seem to have the same effect, whereas, in my language, intonation is rather louder. So, the "YOUR SHOUTING" can come into it when it might just be normal in my mother tongue. Not to mention all the F-bombs and other colourful words we might use that don't exist in Japanese. YOU in English is very different from YOU in Japanese, especially in "Intonation". I think our partners do put up with a lot. Especially if you're just off the boat. If you don't speak Japanese, read Japanese, or understand Japanese, you're as good as a child who cannot read, A child who cannot hear and a child who cannot speak. That's a lot for our partners to take on. So I want to thank my partner for taking all that on.
GuruMick
Abe234...nah...our wives are lucky to have us as husbands.