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What makes Japanese women say, 'I never want to see that jerk again!'

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Every so often, the website www.sugoren.com conducts surveys among Japanese people on topics such as dating, love and relationships. In the latest one,they asked Japanese women what behavior by men on dates turn them off the most.

Here are some of the answers.

  1. He’s always bragging about what car he drives or what school he graduated from.

  2. He acts superior and critical of others and makes comments like, “That guy is completely useless.”

  3. Without being asked, he tells you about his views on love, like “If I had a girlfriend, I’m the type who would do such-and-such.”

  4. He talks constantly, in exhausting detail, about one subject he’s a geek about.

  5. He’s pushy and obsessed with work and tells you all about his vision for the future.

  6. He tells pointless stories that make you think, “So what?”

  7. He brags about the girls he’s dated and what jobs his former girlfriends had.

  8. He makes dirty jokes and tells you about his sex life without being asked.

  9. He presses you with questions about your love life: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Why did you break up?”
© Metropolis magazine (www.metropolis.co.jp)

©2019 GPlusMedia Inc.

148 Comments
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Presuming the men they are talking about are Japanese, then I can believe it. No wonder so many Japanese women turn their hopes to westerners and find their 'Real Man'. With exceptions, of course!

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Annnnd number 10 on the top ten list:

Pays the check in one yen coins...
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Samuel Talyor Colridge "The most happy marriage I can imagine would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."

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And to #1 the Japanese guys would respond that that is a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black, since many J-women do nothing but obcess about having enough designer bags and clothes to choke a horse, or, talk incessantly about their dog, which costs a small fortune and they attire like a child. Materialism is heavy with both sexes here.

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These are the same for all men. The same website published a similar list regarding what "Japanese" men don't like about "Japanese" woman. Again, the list is the same across all races and cultures.

Nothing special or unique to Japan or Japanese in this regard.

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after dating foreigners

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Next question will be "What makes Japanese men say, "I never want to see that bitch again!"? lol.

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I do not think this is just a Japanese thing.....but most women I knew who said that had boyfriends who were crude and non-supportive in emotional moments.

Women do not necessarily expect men to fix all of their problems.....they just want men to listen to their problems.

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Be true to yourself and true to her If there is any chance of a relationship with a Japanese woman working out, you have to be yourself. Do not pretend to be something you are not. Do not claim to be the executive of a company when you are only an office clerk. Do not be false or exaggerate a part of your life. She will find out the truth eventually and the relationship will be over. Japanese women want to be with guys who are sincere and appreciate honesty. You might impress some Japanese women in the short run, but in the long run you’ll lose by not being yourself.

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The number one problem with men is well they are men! Testosterone poisoning! This is the problem with most of them, can do a fix for you guys!

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10. He lives with his mother! (smile).
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What are guys going to talk about if they can't speak about any of these things? The weather? "He talks constantly, in exhausting detail, about one subject he’s a geek about." So that's my problem!

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herefornow at 07:40 AM JST - 14th October: Sooo true!

1 the car thing, good god what is it with the car thing?

I have always had cars since I was 16, 4 wheels and an engine is all it is, just get me from point A to point B carry my work stuff and the kids when we go out nothing else needed.

I just cracks up seeing guys with their fancy and expensive sports car (especially the imports) riding around in Tokyo what's the point? my little 1 litre goes at the same speed as they do seeing the traffic is the same and they like everyone else are stuck in it.

Girls any guy who treats his car like a precious baby my advice as a man is to run in the other direction!

Guys any girl who treats her dog like a precious baby my advice again is to run in the other direction!

They both need a good @ss whipping and some sense knocked into them.

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Ugh, I can sympathize with #1. I once went out on a few dates with a guy who went to a top university, and it was all he could talk about. He tried to work his school's name into every topic of conversation. How tedious!

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YuriOtani at 08:15 AM JST - 14th October. The number one problem with men is well they are men! Testosterone poisoning! This is the problem with most of them, can do a fix for you guys!

It's also women's problem. They pretend to be what they are not. Problem with Japanese women is that they play too much games compare to Western women. Women of two faces of illusion really comes out. Once you get beyond her crap games, it's fine.

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well said sfjp!

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1. I had a date with a guy who made a point of ostentatiously fanning himself with his Kyoto Uni hand fan. We were sitting in a chilly, air-conditioned coffee shop at the time. First date was the last.
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Materialism is heavy with both sexes here.

I don't know if I would call it materialism. I'd call it a lack of any personality or individuality, so they have to buy one or dream to be a manga character.

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Being condescending to the wait staff. Coming to a date at a Belgian beer bar by car. Any sign of a temper.

Would like to see a list of things that make a person decide: "Wait a minute! I do want to see this person again!"

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A relationship is about compromise. No men is perfect. If I have to to complain like those J women I'll end up being left on the shelf...lol.

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in my experience J-girls are much more tolerant of BS than western women...

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Sherman :

No wonder so many Japanese women turn their hopes to westerners and find their 'Real Man'

LOL . . ONLY to discover that these "FOREIGN Men" are no different - - and sometimes even more chauvinistic.

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sfjp33:

It's also women's problem. They pretend to be what they are not. Problem with Japanese women is that they play too much games compare to Western women. Women of two faces of illusion really comes out.

Very true. What you see - is not what you get! BEWARE foreign guys !!!!

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I really upset a J-Lady on our first date by drinking too much (she said) She was a bit over an hour late and emailed every 1-15 minutes say she would arrive soon. I replied that I understand and that I'm just having a beer waiting. She thought I was sipping 1 beer that whole time! When I told her it was #4 she started complaining so I ordered one more, listened to her blah blah blah for 15 minutes. I excused myself toilet (^_~) 'cashier' paid, walked out and left her sitting. 30 minutes later she called saying "I will Never talk to or see me again!" to that I replied Thanks, bye. The best part is over the following week she left/sent crazy messages and emails.

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fishhead-

that's terrible..

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What's wrong with #9? seems fairly reasonable...at least the first part of it does. Most people don't want to waste their time with someone that already has a bf or gf. Almost every girl asks me on the first date those two questions.

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Fishhead...sounds like u got out easy but i would have left the bar before she even arrived!

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The men who want to take you to a hotel on first meeting, or plan to do so even before meeting are idiots.

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Saying "I speak English" and then expecting a roll in the hay at a love shack within the next hour.

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Fishhead Men who go to meetings drunk or smelling of alchohol are unsuccessful in love life.

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Just like men, these women are only interested in themselves, not the guys they are dating. So they want to talk, not listen to whatever he thinks is important. On the other hand, the guys are much the same. Everybody wants to be important, feel special. Listening to someone else, usually doesn't make you feel special.

Another good point is that most people are quite nervous, especially the first 20-30 minutes... so if you really want to find out if this is an interesting person for you, don't judge on the first impression but delay 30 minutes. If you judge on the first impression, and the first impression is not good, you will spend the rest of the date trying to reinforce your negative impression. If first impression is good, you will try to reinforce and confirm this, thus ignoring things that you maybe don't like.

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tokyotales; yeah well said.

I have pretty much given up on Japanese women, after a honeymoon period of about 4 years. There just isn't anything under the surface, and what I initially thought to be a communication issue, and some kind of cultural quirkiness, is in fact much more like a giant sucking void where any substance needs to be. Give me a God-honest, straight talking, sexually liberated American girl over a Japanese girl any day of the week.

What I guess I am trying to say is; I literally don't care what Japanese women think or care about, as I have no interest in them anymore.

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More or less these things apply equally to women. Nobody wants to hear someone prattle on about themselves or be crude.

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I used to do all these things at one point or another on dates and still checked into the love hotel. Its not what you say but how you say it.

In my experience, most Japanese girls are patient and will not show their true annoyed feeling. That is why gaijin guys have a hard time understanding them.

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They seem to have surveyed an extremely picky group of women here. There are much worse things guys can do on dates than be critical of others or harp on about one subject. Who do they think they are? They're lucky this is the worst that's happened to them!

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I used to do all these things at one point or another on dates and still checked into the love hotel. Its not what you say but how you say it.

Anyone who is willing to go to a love hotel on the first date isn't worth meeting, male or female, and it isn't something to brag about.

In my experience, most Japanese girls are patient and will not show their true annoyed feeling. That is why gaijin guys have a hard time understanding them.

How many women have you dated? 1? Everyone is different. It's not about whether they're Japanese or not. Whether you can understand them or not also has nothing to do with race.

I think the reason "why gaijin guys have a hard time understanding them" , is that a lot of the gaijin guys (and girls) seem to expect more than they deserve, "I'm a foreigner, he/she should think I'm great". But, then again, people like that are the same wherever they are.

I hope they have an article on what men think of women tomorrow. That'll probably be called chauvanistic though.

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tokyotales:

I have pretty much given up on Japanese women, after a honeymoon period of about 4 years. There just isn't anything under the surface . . . is in fact much more like a giant sucking void where any substance needs to be.:

It all depends on the person really. There are Japanese women ( & men) who are smart and substantive - and, there the 'space cadets' . . . just like in the US or England or France . . .

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In defense of Japanese women: my wife—who combines grace, thoughtfulness, gentleness and pure steel in a way I have never encountered in the West—is the best thing that ever happened to an idiot like me.

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If you read Metropolis you can get a very good view of some of the women out there in Tokyo. Looking for their Prince Charming, with specifics specifications (height, weight, color, education level, job, home town/country, etc.), and in the end she turns out to be just a regular Japanese girl with non of those qualities. "Please rescue me Prince Charming from my parents home...!" (smile).

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tip for the guys,,,,a girl who laughs at your jokes all the time, will not be laughing after a few years of marriage,,,find someone who understands 'Frasier' then you will not be getting a 'space cadet' (to copy sempefi's words...)

for the girls,,,, a guy maybe attracted to you (your body, smile, hair) innitially, but if you have no substance,,,then they will get bored,,,soon,,,,

for both,,,, arriving on time to a date,,,would be polite

personally i like the dark, quiet dude who stands in the corner with a scowl,,,,,,that is my husband :D he he he (he is Japanese by the way, was a truck driver and had little money ,,,,now things are different, he works as a salary man, can buy me diamonds etc,,,,but he is still the quiet scowling guy who loves me deeply and lets me be me,,,and that is what i want:D)

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I have pretty much given up on Japanese women, after a honeymoon period of about 4 years. There just isn't anything under the surface, and what I initially thought to be a communication issue, and some kind of cultural quirkiness, is in fact much more like a giant sucking void where any substance needs to be. Give me a God-honest, straight talking, sexually liberated American girl over a Japanese girl any day of the week. What I guess I am trying to say is; I literally don't care what Japanese women think or care about, as I have no interest in them anymore.

DuraAce - I concur.

The 1% of Japanese women actually worth a damn, just aren't worth the hassle of looking for. Best observed from afar imho.

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Dating Japanese women is usually like dating a robot. No personality, no conversation.. dull.

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It should be about who they are rather than what they are i.e. pay the most attention to their character and soul, rather than what you see or idealize them being -- their race, their occupation, etc. Youth and beauty fade in time, just remember that -- and as always, the romantic in me genuinely wishes you all luck in your pursuit = ) (although some of you are a bit too cynical at this stage, which is unfortunate!).

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10 He checks on website sugoren.com, just thinking of how to score.
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alphawolf-

Dating Japanese women is usually like dating a robot. No personality, no conversation.. dull.

sorry you've only met robots here.

tranel-

In defense of Japanese women: my wife—who combines grace, thoughtfulness, gentleness and pure steel in a way I have never encountered in the West—is the best thing that ever happened to an idiot like me.

congratulations on finding a wonderful japanese woman :)

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sorry you've only met robots here.

You're being judgmental. Some people might love robotic love.

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m5c32-

Some people might love robotic love.

lol

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Not sure if it's Japanese women, however if your interest is ending the night in a love hotel, more than a few women might object. For myself I met my wife through some friends and I found out she was into bicycling, so went out and bought a bicycle (hadn't ridden in years) then invited her out for a ride, I packed a rather traditional picnic lunch into my backpack (roast chicken, potato salad etc.) and then when she did arrive (of course 20 minutes late)we cycled for a couple of hours before coming to a small park she knew and had lunch.

That was almost twenty years ago and we've been together ever since, there have been good times, bad times, and everything in between, but we've survived and yes we still go on the occasional picnic. Oh, did I mention that she's Japanese, is not only my wife but my best friend and one of the smartest people I've ever met. Not to belabor the point but I do know that even after all these years she's the one person I can have an in depth conversation with on almost any subject, and appreciate the insight she sees through her eyes. She does still turn up late, but I've learned to live with that.

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durace, alphawolf : I genuinely feel sorry that you haven't met nicer, intelligent, thoughtful women in Japan. There are many out there, but it helps if you're a near-native speaker of Japanese as I am :)

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it helps if you're a near-native speaker of Japanese

Nope. I'm nowhere near being a native-speaker of Japanese but have met tons of thoughtful, intelligent, nice, personable non-robotic women. Those who have only met robotic women are obviously not looking in the right places (Roppongi probably has a pretty low percentage of intelligence).

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She finds out he`s married. Teehee!
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Well. Maybe not in Japan. Seems to be cool here.

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Chatting with my numerous Japanese girl friends, I do realised that women everywhere are same))) basic line – we don’t like selfish men))

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Yup. Narcissism is a definite turn off. I once dumped a guy who just talked about what he was interested in and never listened.

mrskit: I agree! If a man loves you deeply and you can totally be yourself with him, hang on to him!

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DuraAce - I agree completely.

If I ever hear a J-chick talk about her dog again I will pour battery acid into my ears. I wait only five minutes when they are late now and just leave.

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"Testosterone poisoning!"

Yeah! Because everyone knows that it is WOMEN who have their hormones always totally under control!

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Most of the young J-women are pretty pathetic anyway. From what I have seen they spend most of the date punching keys on their cell phone.

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my wife—who combines grace, thoughtfulness, gentleness and pure steel in a way I have never encountered in the West—is the best thing that ever happened to an idiot like me.

LOL. And it's all a J woman's pure made up personality.

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Fishhead. Great story. I would say if that happened to you twice, it would be a shame, but if it did not happen once, you are a doormat. Cheers. "If you really love her, set her free." haha

Limbo. We are right together on the car thing. How boring would someone have to be to make such a big deal out of a car and an alma mater? I do know, though, that there are plenty of really really stupid young women who like "driving" to the point that it is better than an actual date. I think it is a freedom thing. Mostly freedom from parents. A lot of them like foreigners because it is like "driving" 24/7.

If I were a Japanese woman, I seriously would avoid the usual dating activity, and I don't know.... leave. I am pretty sure Japan is just filled to the brim with loser guys of one kind or another.

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Most men are interested in only one thing. That is the problem with men, after they get it they want to drink beer and watch sports.

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Yuri: We can watch sport with men as well)) instead of beer – red wine))

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Dating Japanese women is usually like dating a robot. No personality, no conversation.. dull.

LOL. I just heard the same phrase from a male friend today...!

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I am so surprised by YuriOtani's comment. I hate to watch sports!

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YuriOtani: "Most men are interested in only one thing."

On this part Yuri I must agree!

I have told my 15 year old daughter this:

"Boys/Men will tell you anything they think you want to hear just to get you into bed and will use any lie in the book"

And

"If any boy/man ever uses the line " if you love me you will sleep with me" kick him in the nuts and walk away"

I also told my 13 year old son if he ever uses the above line I will ring his neck!

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Humm! Strange, my wife says that I do not watch sport which I really don't because it is boring to me. She is not complaining though, just kind of odd to her. If I want, I rather go and actually play rather than sitting there and watch.

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He’s always bragging about what car he drives or what school he graduated from. Japanese man all the way, I never bring up my educational experience and I always tone it down when asked if it's a first date.

He acts superior and critical of others and makes comments like, “That guy is completely useless.” Japanese man when he sees me walking towards him. Especially 20 year olds, they always have something to say when I walk by them ( he feels intimidated )and the girlfriend. Maybe they are I'm always polite and give examples of kindness (being a gentleman is what I do best.

Without being asked, he tells you about his views on love, like “If I had a girlfriend, I’m the type who would do such-and-such.”

He talks constantly, in exhausting detail, about one subject he’s a geek about. Japanese male because I never brag or boast about myself. It's to arrogant for me to do that.

He’s pushy and obsessed with work and tells you all about his vision for the future Definitely Japanese guy I'm definitely not obsessed about my job or vision of the future. Actually i hope i can win the lottery and don't have to work anymore.
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What people forget is that it takes two to date/ be in a relationship. Although we are evaluating what guys are doing to turn girls off, girls need to think about what are they bringing to the table in terms of dating. It cannot just be her good looks, she has to have something interesting to discuss as well as a pleasant personality. At least that is what I look for in a woman/ future partner.

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Yuri: If men were not interested in that one thing, there would be no human race.

One tip for the ladies out there: When you are on a date (first, second, whatever), watch your man's mannerisms with people in customer service (waiter/waitress/hotel staff/etc...). If he is truly a good person, he will not treat them as people that are below him. If he treats them badly, that is a bad omen of things to come in the relationship.

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YuriOtani at 08:37 PM JST - 14th October Most men are interested in only one thing. That is the problem with men, after they get it they want to drink beer and watch sports.

You know what, if women likes you, they are also interested in same thing and maybe much more and they will do anything for you. Women does not care if you solve their problems but it's more about listening and staying consistant. They appreciate this and it beats half the battle.

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limboinjapan, You can tell a 15 yr old girl anything,but when that guy behind the bar with his ponytail, earring, tatoo, baggy pants and dumb look on his face smiles at her, it's game over.

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What makes Japanese women say "I never want to see that jerk again!"? Probably the same list of things that makes men (of all nationalities) say "I'm sure that b!tch took a hike!" Yes, we have our annoying traits but Japanese women need to take a good look in the mirror before they complain too much!

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Well all women are different and I'm with MrDog on that one, doesn't matter what country, culture that woman/man is from a good man/woman is a good man/woman, nothing changes their personality. When I went on dates I always approached the person as a friend first and took my time getting to know and understand their personality.

I've never dated a woman without a good personality. Can spot a bad personality whether man or woman from a mile away just by listening first.

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He’s always bragging about what car he drives.... yeah too bad it has never been faster than 60km an hour.

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western ways....

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She is pretending, you are pretending - remember that !

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And that's why some japanese ladies never date for 4-10 years. SERIOUSLY Some japanese women have never kissed, hugged, or had intercourse for over 3-10 years. SCARY !!!!!!

SHALLOW WOMEN are usually ALONE all the time. Nobody is perfect !!!!

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He is proud of his achievements. He is critical. He tries to let you know the deal in advance. He talks about his interests. He is driven and has ambition. He talks things that you can't understand. He is proud of his achievements. He is not inhibited. He is honest about what he is interested in: sex He is not inhibited. He is honest about what he is interested in: sex.
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Gotta say I've had my share of bad dates. These problems seem pretty minor :0

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J dudes - you have to love them. These seem like pretty minor gripes, but show exactly how geeky/immature our hosts are.

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The question in the headline is so easy to answer ...

Just say "I love you" to your Japanese girlfriend. She'll freak and run away and you'll never see her again.

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ninjaboy-

Just say "I love you" to your Japanese girlfriend. She'll freak and run away and you'll never see her again.

and why is that????

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Does not matter what country they come from. Women are women.

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I'm a Japanese guy living in Australia... I think Aussie girls are the same as the guys mentioned above in a lot of sense. Except for some, of course.

1. He’s always bragging about what car he drives or what school he graduated from.

They are always going on about shoes and dresses they bought from some high fashion place... Channel, Versace, Prada, Louis Vitton etc... or some exclusive clubs or restaurant they hang out at. Who cares?

2. He acts superior and critical of others and makes comments like, “That guy is completely useless.”

The girls are often talking about other girls commenting things like "she has no fashion sense" or "she's a b#tch" etc

6. He tells pointless stories that make you think, “So what?”

I have that with a lot of the girls I hang out with.

There are probably more, but I can't be bothered listing them all...

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alphawolf at 07:38 AM JST - 15th October: "limboinjapan, You can tell a 15 yr old girl anything,but when that guy behind the bar with his ponytail, earring, tatoo, baggy pants and dumb look on his face smiles at her, it's game over."

I think you may have that the wrong way.

She is street smart, school smart with over 168 IQ, big round (mixed race) eyes and has already learned that with one look and a smile she can get that "ponytail, earring, tattoo, baggy pants and dumb look on his face" sales guy to give HER his employee discount ( I had to tell her to stop doing it, it was not nice taking advantage of these poor idiots.)

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His bragging, His criticisms, His views, His obsession, His vision, His past love / sex conquests...

Does nobody else see it? All of those complaints are really saying that the boys are obsessed with THEMSELVES and THEIR things and THEIR bragging.. when you enter into a relationship there is a point when the advertising about yourself needs to stop.

Before real love found me i was dating.. and who wants a boy in your life who is only obsessed with HIMSELF?? I wanted a boyfriend who was focused on ME and who would let me be focused on HIM!

The whole point of a relationship is to find someone who is loving and supportive of YOU on a emotional, spiritual and physical level.. filling in the empty spaces in ourselves.. someone who has those same spaces inside that YOU fill for them.

Those boys mentioned in the complaints do not want a girlfriend, they are more in love with themselves - they want an audience and a cheerleader ne?

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The girls who answered the question were not necessarily complaining. They were asked what would make them not want to see a guy again so that had to think and decide what would be a turn off.

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What makes Japanese women say, 'I never want to see that jerk again

A woman that doesn't like the guy in the first place.

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Mikanojo at 02:40 PM JST - 15th October His bragging, His criticisms, His views, His obsession, His vision, His past love / sex conquests... Does nobody else see it?

EXACTLY RIGHT MIKANOJO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And ALL lonely, unloved, people pay attention!! This is a global mindset, not just for one country/one gender. Greatest weaknesses become insignificant, of anyone who remembers to give as much attention to, take as much interest in, have as much concern for the person he(or she) is with. So your date, your wife, your friend, your child - love them at least as much as you do, YOURSELF!!

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This must be a filler story as there is nothing interesting. Boring!

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I think that KSB1978 is right. Japanese men are similar to Western girls. And Japanese girls are similar to Western men, they patronise their partners and put up with a little selfishness as long as their partner gives them what they need.

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Exactly mikanojo! I thought the same thing. If a guy does three or more things on the list, run far far away! I don't think this pertains just to Japanese men but to all men. And women for that matter. No one wants to date another person who is only interested in him/herself. The best way to be interesting is to be interested.

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Number 1 on my list would be "Glory days":

Any Man/Woman that talks even slightly about their "Glory days" in High school or on a team of any sort is a looser and should be avoided at all cost!

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I used to think Japanese girls were awesome...then I lived here for long enough and realised a lot of them think they are Hello Kitty Princesses, with their head in the clouds and not worth the time it takes to make a cup of coffee! Money hungry, self-obsessed, image conscious - and that's the women!

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In another twist, the book can be re-titled as "How to dump your girlfriend without too much of an effort?" :)

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More complaining about Japanese men? Maybe they talk like this because of the following.

He’s always bragging about what car he drives or what school he graduated from.

She probably asked him which car he drives and he knows that J-girls go gaga over a guy with a cool (read expensive ) car. If he has a minicar he probably wouldn't talk about it. And as Chris Rock says, flashy cars are bait. As for what school he graduated from... if it was from one of the top schools, she probably said " eeee several times and her eyes lit up" and asked him all about it. Most people know that which college you went to is important, and some women will never continue if the guy's education isn't higher than hers. Yes, still.

He acts superior and critical of others and makes comments like, “That guy is completely useless.” She was probably talking critically about other women. Fat, can't cook etc.

Without being asked, he tells you about his views on love, like “If I had a girlfriend, I’m the type who would do such-and-such.”

He's probably like most Japanese who won't say what he wants to do with her, but talks indirectly. And he's read the surveys and seen the endless TV shows where women talk about what they want their ideal boyfriend to be like.

He talks constantly, in exhausting detail, about one subject he’s a geek about.

Many Japanese women in the presence of a Japanese man won't talk about themselves but ask all about him, and make him feel like a king. There's a little but of hostess in a lot of women.

He’s pushy and obsessed with work and tells you all about his vision for the future.

Once again, he knows that most Japanese women want a guy with ambition and a serious attitude to career and making money etc.

It would probably help if Japanese people did a bit more casual dating without having the pressure of presenting themselves as prospective marriage partners. My take on things is probably a bit jaded because I literally know dozens of women who want to meet a guy (for marriage) and are waiting for someone to introduce them. And unfortunately the guy's bank account, income, future income, job, job prospects, industry, parents, place in family (eldest or not), place of birth, etc etc, are all important.

Oh, and of course blood type. I can see a lot of women never getting married in this country ...

And like others have said, there aren't many Japanese guys who have much confidence and can talk well. Which is why it's so much fun for gaijin guys here.

Speaking of blood types, a woman I know was recently researching a book about blood types so she could understand her husband better. Interesting country!

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yasukuni-

More complaining about Japanese men? Maybe they talk like this because of the following

more COMPLAINING?? These girls were ASKED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. if someone is doing a survey and you had to answer the question what would make you not want to see that bit$$ again, would you not come up with something that'd sound reasonabully annoying?? I wouldn't call it complaining.

I, too, would dislike it when/if they (men AND WOMEN) continued on and on talking about something that I don't really care or know.. I, too, would dislike it when/if they continued to brag about their car, clothes, etc etc.. BUT, I wouldn't call it COMPLAINING because I am not complaining, I am just answering a question.

Also, I don't think these girls were just talking about Japanese men.. they were talking about MEN. Not specifically Japanese men.

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And like others have said, there aren't many Japanese guys who have much confidence and can talk well. Which is why it's so much fun for gaijin guys here.

Hmmmm you think?? I disagree (and I'm a girl) ;)

I have met Japanese men who are so much fun to talk with, and I have also met foreign men who are lots of fun to talk with. And I have also met Japanese men who were not fun (maybe we just didn't have much in common) and also met foreign men who were not fun to talk with...

I have met foreign men who look down on Japanese men (and what a big turn off would that be!) and I have also met Japanese men who dislike foreign men (and that's a big turn off, too).

Basically, I don't separate Japanese from foreigners and vice versa.. Men are men, women are women.. if you don't like the person, it's not because of the person's nationality, it's the person's personality or your chemistry...

that's just my view..

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Fishy, I see your point. I know a lot of Japanese guys. I was actually sticking up for them because they get a bad rap. I'm surprised if you think Japanese guys in general couldn't do with a little bit more confidence. But, I must admit, I've never dated one!

But, if you are a gaijin girl, then I think the Japanese guys who talk to you and date you are already more confident than the average.

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Basically, I don't separate Japanese from foreigners and vice versa.. Men are men, women are women.. if you don't like the person, it's not because of the person's nationality, it's the person's personality or your chemistry...

Fishy, this is the best statement on this thread, I think. I have some great J guys as friends.The wierd things that the Jmen do here made me think that they were all wierd. Not true. I made friends with some very nice people.

It could also be that the foreign guys are disappointed with Jladies is that they lack commitment. It is rather wicked to say, but is it that yellow cab syndrome?

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Of course the problem with J men is they want the young ones. After a certain age they are not interested. Problem with base men is there is a good chance they are married back in the states and looking for "sport". Life is just not that easy and what is the biggest turnoff, hmm well there is not just "one" thing but the entire package.

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Wait wait wait, you mean J men are the only guys that want "young ones"? Hahahahaha!

Nice try

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yasukuni-

i wasn't just talking about men i dated, i was actually talking about men in general -- at work, at school, i had/have both foreign and japanese men around, and regardless of their nationality, some are fun and some are not. some are extremely shallow (both japanese and foreign), some enjoy interesting conversations.. but then again, some things that are interesting to them might not interesting to me (like if they started talking about motorcycle and etc :))

But, if you are a gaijin girl, then I think the Japanese guys who talk to you and date you are already more confident than the average.

hmm.. that's kind of tough to answer because i am mixed. born and raised in japan by japanese mom and french dad, so there is no language barrier when i talk to japanese men but i don't look quite japanese (maybe i do, maybe i dont..).. i guess those who think of takigawa crystal japanese would think of me japanese, those who think of her french would think of me as french ;)

anyways, i still think men are men no matter what country they are from, and i certainly don't think japanese men are boring or lame (some are, but many are not) as much as i think foreign men are fun but some are boring(then my question is... foreign means foreign, doesn't mean just american or european... so it's kind of silly to generalize foreign men in one category!!).

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The impression I get about dating/marriage in Japan is that the expectations are quite different from those of the West, say. This is based on my experience with friends and family. I get the impression that the approach to marriage is more pragmatic than the romantic, western approach to love, partly because women are limited in what they can realistically do/achieve after marriage, so the pressure on making a good partner selection is amplified. Women are also counseled this way by their mothers: "Choose the best man you can, you will learn to love things about him in time." was advice given to my wife at the age of 20 (she is now 30). That is also why some foreign guys consider Japanese women as superficial gold diggers. I guess my point is that we are all the products of our environment, and the realities of Japanese life means that the people behave accordingly when it comes to the sacred union......

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I'll tell you why they say that.... because when you say "yes dear" 99 times and then screw up and say "no" to something she wants it makes her not want to see you again. Forgetting about the other 99 times you did what she wanted.

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Problem with base men is there is a good chance they are married back in the states and looking for "sport".

Maybe they are single and looking for "sport".. but they get big housing allowances in Japan, BX and Commissary privledges. A lot of girls thing them guys are rich because of the nice apartments they live in.

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With all of this demeaning talk about 'base men' and worse, talk about money.. you show what is wrong with people, and it has NOTHING to do with if they are Nihonjin or American or from any other place.

The men who are more focused on themselves and their things than they can be focused on someone else are not the best men to date.

And the women who focus on things like money are equally obsessed with the WRONG thing. Those women who are focused on men for their money are no better than escorts, except they have a higher opinion of themselves and are more choosy about their 'clients' ne?

I have never dated or even danced or chatted with a boy because he was maybe rich - and i certainly did not care if they had a car at all - i lived in a city! Bus and train made much more sense than paying to buy and paying to park and paying to store and paying to operate a car. Most boys i knew had scooters or motorcycles.. and those are much more fun to ride on, and more romantic too! So it is wrong to say that all J-girls go gaga? over a car.

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@Fishy, Interesting to read your thoughts. Like I said, I am not putting Japanese men down. I get on well with them, and think they have been unduly criticized by both Japanese women and foreign people.

I still think they tend to be shy in comparison with people of other cultures. But maybe, I've been here too long and forget what people are like back home.

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Women want to marry up, but they also fight for equal opportunities. Those two things aren't simultaneously possible.

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...at least when you decide your date is a "jerk," you're getting a preview of what he's going to be like if you marry...from personal experience and hearing from my buddies who have married J girls, Japanese women totally change after marriage...why continue acting if their biggest mission in life (getting married) has been accomplished....(sigh)....

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Tomorrow, I hit 17 years of marriage to a nice J-girl (and I am not a J-guy). I don't think that there is a switch that goes off that changes women. I think it goes both ways. Of course you change, as you now should both have shared ideas and visions. Remember, you're both going forward, so there has to be some change.

Most boys i knew had scooters or motorcycles.. and those are much more fun to ride on, and more romantic too! So it is wrong to say that all J-girls go gaga? over a car.

I'll tell you what, if I pull up in a Ferrari, you will go ga ga. I guarantee it. But this does not apply to everyone.

There are plenty of the gold diggers. Hell, I was in debt when I got married. Now things are better.

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There are plenty of gold diggers.. and none of them are people you would want to marry.

Marrying IS a major goal in a Nihonjin girl's life for many still.. that is how so many of us were raised to think and i was no exception. But maybe because mai parents married for money and i got to watch how miserable they were, and how otousan found excuses to be away from home and how okaasan took out her frustrations on me.. for those reasons i decided VERY quickly that i would marry for LOVE instead. It was a struggle then.. and when real love did find me it came in a very unexpected way that i had never planned for.. but it DID come and i am so happy now!

Many women are husband searching and so many men do a lot of self-advertising on a date.. but as i wrote before, the time comes when the advertising needs to end and the focus needs to change from you and me to US instead yes?

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Mikanojo.

Your goals are valid but do you know true love and you sure you won't get hurt in the future. Or did you buy into a fantasy that they guy provided to get you?

Yeah, I am sounding harsh but people that had a hard time/got hurt are also esy targets for the wily ones.

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To give you an idea, examples of japanese and western thinking. Granted old folks wisdom and just a glimpse.

Many Japanese women seem to think to is the norm that hubby will stray after 3yrs.

In europe we say Marriage = 7 good yrs followed by 7 bad yrs after that = solid marriage. And it holds true.

What many people call "LOVE" is actually affection and attraction and it weans after time. Talk to older people and they define "Love" as something that grows over years and encompasses understanding, forgiving, etc.

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DuraAce: (way down at the bottom of this discussion)...I'm sure I am not alone thinking, "Hey, I'm here! Waiting for someone just like you!" What a breath of fresh air you are. There's still hope for me.

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Maybe just this one time since the topic IS about dating and finding the right one, I may be allowed to answer the question:

do you know true love and you sure you won't get hurt in the future. Or did you buy into a fantasy that they guy provided to get you?

The answer is yes I can honestly say I have learned what true love is now, having already had all of the other lust and infatuation and crushes, having already had the bad breakups and the hurting and the feelings of betrayal. And do i know that i wont get hurt in the future? Actually i know that some times i WILL get hurt. There will be troubles that cause frustrations, there will be worries there will be anger and there will be arguments. There will maybe still be others who come into our lives with the only reason to be trying to break us apart. And after having already done those battles more than once i am ready.

Love actually found me after i had given up hoping and looking for it - after trying so hard with too many other people to become anything they wanted me to be just so they would keep me.. Love has been saving me, helping, me, holding me, for only a bit more than 2 years now.. so by some peoples estimate this is still the 7 good years part. True love that has had to already deal with bitter ex gf and ex bf and stalker and with family issues.. true love that in spite of every thing and everyone that has tried to come against us, has only grown deeper and stronger.. true love that already has had to find the strength to forgive mai spouse for every thing from lying to infidelity and still i forgave and said we can do this, we can do this together.. we come from completely different cultures.. and yet some how we seem to fill the emptiness inside each other with exactly what the other was needing.

How do i define true love.. it is feeling whole inside for the very first time in your life. And knowing that you make someone else feel that way too just because you are there with them. It is waking up each day knowing that you have a purpose in life and that purpose is to fulfill your spouse.. and actually knowing that your spouse feels exactly the same way about you.

Some people seem to just assume that a marriage will fail or that a spouse will cheat or that someone better will come along.. those people just expect everything to happen or come to them. Real love is a mutual submission of yourself to accept being part of a partnership and for me it is also a 3some.. between me, mai Love and God. On our wedding day i pledged to mai spouse, mai family, mai friends, and mai God, that i was going to give mai self to this person, to love them and to forgive them and to help them and to honor them and i meant it.

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hmm.. that's kind of tough to answer because i am mixed. born and raised in japan by japanese mom and french

Ya your not gaijin your Japanese. Omg I think fishy is Maria Ozawa!!!! sure her father was French Canadian not French but dammit it French enough, plus she speaks both japanese and english......

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from personal experience and hearing from my buddies who have married J girls, Japanese women totally change after marriage...why continue acting if their biggest mission in life (getting married) has been accomplished....(sigh)....

Well, I seriously doubt that this is a characteristic exclusive to Japanese women. I know plenty of people who feel that this way about marriage. In Japan's case, have a think for a second about how women are expected to act, both historically and in contemporary society. Just look at the way TV programs or manga depict young women, or like them to behave. For the most part, it is quite unbelievably demeaning. They are kind of wide-eyed, naive, ditsy cartoon characters. It's a fantasy. The women aren't like that, but they behave that way for a time through social molding and societal expectations. Once they get married, they run the house. They have their place, and they act accordingly. People who confuse the fantasy for the reality (foreigners and japanese alike) are the ones being truly naive and probably haven't spent enough time getting to know their partner. Not the women's fault.

Your goals are valid but do you know true love and you sure you won't get hurt in the future. Or did you buy into a fantasy that they guy provided to get you?

I take exception to the assumptions this comment makes. You are assuming that, just because Mikanojo is Japanese, she does not, or can not fully understand love? That she too is naive and has been unwittingly 'snared' by a scheming man? It is an unbelievably patronizing thing to write about someone you don't know Zenny11, and quite a sweeping brush to paint a group of people with. Perhaps she is the one that should be asking you the questions about love?

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Noliving-

Maria Ozawa???? mmmm.... don't think so. I don't even look like her at all.. but anyways.. yeah, I consider myself as Japanese with some French twist :)

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And I think Maria Ozawa is not raising 3 lovely kids?

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'I never want to see that jerk again!'

Not returning calls, emails after your drinks & fashion hotel date. It goes both ways . . .

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@Mikanojo That was beautiful.Do not let anyone stand in the way of your happiness

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Mikanojo.

All the best to you, but any relationship friend, lover, family, etc takes a lot of effort to maintain over the years.

I love my family dearly but get us together for more than 2 days and the claws are out and we fight like rabid cats, yet we can't stop being in contact via the net, etc. Same for many of my friends.

Yes, there are many jerks out there(you and me included, in our own way we are all jerks and rub people the wrong way.

Being in a long-term relationship is more about putting your own desires and priorities onto the backburner and only pulling them out at the right time. More about compromise, sad to say too many people are too fovused on the me = hence relationships fail.

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hahahaha...pamalot made a great comment."He pays the bill in 1 yen coins" haha. That's really funny.:)))))))))))

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hahahahahaha...............

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We are the ones who are fooling ourselves that something is permanent. Now I must say that I like the Buddhist teaching about the cycle.Today there amybe loe, and tomorrow it is gone. Learn to accept and live with that.

The survey suggests that they are trying to find out the problem with the pattern with the Japanese women i particular.

My Jguy friend found his new girl and told me about it.And he also said that MAYBE in 2 years he will conside marriage. And I was interested and asked him why? He said he needs to find that if it has anything to do with his material success. Because he still has not got that real "love" feeling. I said that it will come after a little while. And he retorted saying that this is what he beleived but that "love" never came eventhough the women he was with before always said that. Interesting I thought.He had a point there.

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Zenny and Mikanojo-

but any relationship friend, lover, family, etc takes a lot of effort to maintain over the years.

Yes, and that is why people say being in love isn't enough to keep your marriage going for decades /until the end of your lives. Finding true love is just the beginning I think.. Once you are married, I think, the commitment is important because you CHOSE to marry the person, even if you are sure you've found true love, there are still ups and downs, and I, too, have ups and downs with my marriage.. sometimes I feel like I've made a bad choice to marry my husband, and sometimes I feel like I've made the best choice... But after all, I (and he) made the choice to be together and after overcoming the down times, we are reminded why we got married in the first place.

Finding true love is the start, making choices and commitment is the second, sticking to your commitment and following through your words is the third... Even when he's being a jerk, I remind myself that I was the one who married the jerk... And after all, I am in love with the jerk ;) He talks about some things I am totally not interested in, and the stories are sometimes boring, but I like watching him talk about something HE likes to talk about :) He's sometimes totally not interested in listening to my stories but still sit by me and looking at me -- and I appreciate his letting me talk to him about those girly things he probably thinks what's the point?? :)

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JKanda-

Fishy, this is the best statement on this thread, I think. I have some great J guys as friends.The wierd things that the Jmen do here made me think that they were all wierd. Not true. I made friends with some very nice people. It could also be that the foreign guys are disappointed with Jladies is that they lack commitment. It is rather wicked to say, but is it that yellow cab syndrome?

commitment i think, is the key..

i dont know about the yellow cab syndrome -- hmmm... not sure. but anyone who expects j-women to be yellow cab would and should not expect to find true love here ;)

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JKanda-

Because he still has not got that real "love" feeling. I said that it will come after a little while. And he retorted saying that this is what he beleived but that "love" never came eventhough the women he was with before always said that. Interesting I thought.He had a point there.

He's got the right attitude I think. When you start dating someone, you often think that you have found true love and everything looks beautiful.. so it is wise to wait for a couple of years to spend their up and down times together and see if they are a good match ;) There's no reason why people should rush to get married... Spend time together, go through ups and downs and see if you're still together ;)

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Again, I feel sorry for Jguys. A lot of the dating that goes on is omiai or someone's shoukai. And then they know they are going to be evaluated. People seem to be under so much pressure to have the perfect first date so no wonder the guys are nervous, and some girls hardly ever get asked to go out - unless they realize they are getting too old and have to get serious about konkatsu.

Maybe it would be easier for all if they had chatted a bit before the "big date". Not saying is wrong, and it actually may be the best way, but it still surprises me when so many people around me (men and women) ask the parents to look for a date/marriage partner.

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9. He presses you with questions about your love life: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Why did you break up?”

Who asks this on a DATE? If you're on a date, obviously you're single. o.o; If it's just someone you met randomly and are chatting up, fine. But on a formal date Um, riiiight.

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Whether in japan or in America or in europe or in south America dating isn't so easy, lots more pressure on the man than the woman, the man must. Impress the woman in several categories however the woman simply needs to look cute/sexy/ pretty.. and smell nice. And men are automatically interested. Also. The man has a make or break situation set b4 him, the woman is usually like no problem because there are many opportunities for her to get a date, especially if the girl is fit, sexy dresses nice etc... guys gotta be alpha males, and stand out from the pack welcome to reality.... and reguardless of what women say. The truth is guys with no money don't get many dates PERIOD! So guys gotta come to the tabel with a job and some$ or its not gonna happen....

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Hmm, I am thinking right now…what is so bad in asking questions like “ do you have a boy friend? why did you beak up”. Of course, it depends on situation, but a guy might ask a girl to go out just for a drink and then he wants to check if this girl would be “available”. I don’t think there are not non appropriate questions / topics, there are non appropriate situations to ask / discuss certain things

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@shootload1911: If ANY part of what you wrote were true, then there would never be any dating in high school. The boys then often have no jobs or just some part-time work, nearly all live at home with their parents, MAYBE have a bicycle or scooter.. if ANY part of what you wrote were true then how would any of those boys ever get a date?

It seems that you have bought into a very popular stereotypical fantasy from terebei shows and commercials for cars, clothes, deodorant and hair gell ne? Be hot, look rich, and get the girl.. what that really gets you is just some attention.. and if you cannot back up that show with something deeper than grunting and pounding your own chest about how hot, how important, how strong, how rich YOU are, then you will not be having any sort of serious relationship with a girl except for those gold diggers.. they look for those types and LET them show off by buying expensive dinners and driving the girls on errands in exchange for looking cute or sekushi sitting next to them. The boy gets to appear to have a trophy girl, just another ornament, another overpriced symbol of wealth and superiority - you are just playing that game to impress the other boys.. and the gold digging girls will just USE you to get free things!

I could have wiggled mai butt more than i did and worn shorter skirts.. i could have acted like a mesuinu in heat and the boys would come.. but the kind of boys who answer to that call are NOT the kind of boys you want to marry ne?

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@Zenny11: you did not say anything that i did not already say.. real love in a marriage takes commitment, and compromises.. to submit to become not just yourself any more but part of a partnership. The troubles DO come.. but you are not facing them alone any more. When things are bad we hold each other up.. instead of letting them tear us apart.

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Patrick Smash,

Great advice!

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In fact Mr Smash, if the Girl had talked about most of those points and the guy had done most of the listening, with a few eee, naruhodo, and compliments thrown in, the girls would have thought it was a dream date.

You remind me of a time I sat next to a woman on a plane who talked for two hours and I hardly said anything, and at the end she raved about how interesting I was and how great I was at conversation. In the whole two hours she basically learned nothing about me apart from my age and nationality, but she told me her life story, and of course how terrible her husband was, and how she hadn't had sex in 20 years, and how he gives her no money. Ironically, she was flying business class, and spent most of her time in restaurants and host bars... probably talking about her horrible husband.

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If you're on a date, obviously you're single

Youre kidding, right??! I know loads of people here looking for extra-marital activities - and getting it regularly. I wouldnt assume anything on a date.

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yasukuni, I would have hooked up with that one. LOL!

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This is an interesting discussion to say the least. I am a "base man" living in Northern Japan hoping to meet a nice Japanese woman. But I noticed when a lot of guys(Jmen and gaijin)show off they always get the girl. It seems like the good guys who truly want a good woman don't have any chance in the world being themselves. I hope to see this trend change.

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TCeasar-

i understand what you're saying, but don't worry, if you are a nice guy with a good heart, whether you're a base man or not, it really doesn't matter.. there are girls who are turned off by those show off types and just want to be with a good man :) Be yourself and enjoy Japan and the people ... I hear that Misawa (just assumig you're there)actually has the most friendly neighborhood people around the base and people there don't dislike the base people like Okinawans do. So, good luck and I hope you'll meet a nice japanese woman :)

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TCaesar: I would suggest that you avoid wherever the show offs hang out; probably the clubs and such, right? The women who go for those types know exactly what they want so you should be glad not to hook up with them. Trust me, those guys are probably doing you a favor. ;)

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Thanks fishy. @ jtuzr I used to hang out at the clubs but I am not into the clubs out here. Misawa is a good neighborhood but I think a lot of the girls a materialistic. I am enjoying Japan a lot but I am going to travel the country more to see it all. Does anyone know of a good jazz bar in Japan.

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TCeasar- I love Bluenote.. you can check out their website and see if you're interested in some of the bands/singers that are coming when you're in Tokyo :) Bluenote is a bit pricy but there's also a good place in Yokohama named Motion Blue Yokohama.. you can check out their website, too. I personally like Yokohama area better than central Tokyo... (plus, if you're coming to Yokohama area, you can probably stay at a hotel in Yokosuka and etc :))

I don't know jazz bars outside of Kanto region, but if you ever come to Tokyo, Yokohama area, I'd recommend Bluenote and Motion Blue Yokohama. There are some really nice places to have dinner near Motion Blue, too!

and jtuzr is definitely right about those club girls knowing exacly what they want, and those girls almost always go for good looking men (not saying that you are not -- of course :)) but they are looking for some wrong type of romance.... like some blonde blue-eyed prince charming.. those girls know exactly what types of men they like (appearance) and look for them. Believe me, this comes from a girl (me!!) So yeah, I would avoid those places if I were a man.

you can meet lots of nice and decent people (both men and women) through hobbies and etc. If you like certain kind of sports, there are probably things like ski club, ice skating club, etc etc... If you like jazz, there might even be a jazz group (and I don't think you need to be good at some musical instrument, but those clubs usually welcome anyone who enjoy music!).

So... once again, good luck and don't be fooled by those pretty girls who want replacable prince!

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Sounds like a good idea fishy. When I come to the Kanto region I will definitely give it a shot. Thanks. @ jtzur lol!

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Eee is oki i guess.. naruhodo often sounds condescending to me.. maji de.. that is fine tho! lol

But that needs to go BOTH ways. Hai it is true that some times we are full of feelings and thoughts and need an outlet and if someone seemed interested in us, or is at least trapped with us in a room (lol) then asking us how we are feeling is a dangerous thing ne? like popping a bubblegum bubble full of hot air then boom it gets all sticky all over you.

But.. assuming the man survives this emotional assault.. how many men can then turn around after the woman has finally calmed down and now feels COMFY with you.. how many of you can then turn around and give us back more than 1 word answers when we ask YOU how YOU feel?

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He presses you with questions about your love life: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Why did you break up?”

God forbid he try to figure out in advance whether it is worth his time to pursue the relationship. So men should just assume every woman they meet is single and not worry about any quirks this particular woman has.

"Yes I have a boyfriend. In fact, I have three. Want to be the fourth?" Umm no. I'll pass.

"We broke up because he was mean to my cat." Well thanks for telling me because I'm allergic to cats. Sayounara nekoonee-san.

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@Fadamor: You make a point but in a very clumsy way. Women and men all have 'quirks' and dating is the time when you discover those things about each other and decide to continue seeing each other or not. But there are good reasons for tact. How would you feel if every woman you approached handed you a business card and a questionnaire that you had to fill out and return before she decides in advance whether YOU were worth her time?

Asking if she is single is absolutely sensible.. asking her why her last relationship failed is NOT. Unless she was dating your biological clone then you have your own chance with her.. just focus on the positive between you and her now, not negative things from her past.

And when you think about it a moment.. how many men really want to hear about our old boyfriends? All you really wish to hear is that you are better than them ne? Trust that if she is not with them any more that they failed in their relationship for some reason, just like you failed in your last relationship for some reason, and focus on you and her, not you and her and any other men from her past.

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I hate show off men, as woman who ACTUALY respects herself, men like that are a huge turn off, I don't care about your car, your clothes, or material things. I will say though, communication is VERY important for a good relationship, I am the kind of girl who actually LIKES hearing about a guys day and there job, what they want in the future, and they're real geek subjects. Its cute and you learn alot about them, men and women shouldn't have to mold to fit one another, relationships are a partnership, you must blend. I know they're are girls out they're who want good guys, they'll have to go through the bad ones to figure it out though.

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