A friendship marriage, referred to as tomodachi kekkon (friend marriage) or yujo kekkon (friendship marriage) in Japanese, is a marriage formed solely through friendship. In most cases, the defining characteristic of the partnership compared to traditional marriage is the lack of a sexual relationship.
This unique partnership is gaining steam as a life choice for young people in Japan. It is thought to currently account for 1% of marriages in the country. Keep reading to learn all about how partners in friendship marriages can manage their relationship, household and potential children. And, of course, we will also explore why friendship marriages are becoming more popular in Japan.
Japan’s low birth rate and declining marriage rate have been a cause of alarm for decades. And, simultaneously, as we have recently covered on Savvy, there are still many legal hurdles for equality for women and LBGTQ people in the country. Despite the legal, economic and cultural factors affecting marriage and birth rates, there has been much reporting on young people’s lack of interest in coupling up.
Friendship marriage, like companion dating, confronts the complicated economic and cultural landscape of marriage in Japan. Of course, like any other marriage, people choose to enter this kind of coupledom for a variety of reasons. Here are a few that are often cited:
- Navigating the heterosexual dating world is too exhausting and time-consuming.
- Individuals yearn for companionship and commitment without sexuality.
- Cultural, legal and economic barriers to coming out as queer make it feel “not worth it.”
- People who identify as LGBTQ point to the lack of nationally recognized same-sex marriage. As well as the difficulty of having children in a same-sex partnership.
- Some people seek a stable family life without worrying about sexual jealousy, betrayal, etc.
- People want to search for marriage partners who respect their asexual or nonsexual identity.
Friendship marriages are especially appealing to people who identify as sexual minorities in Japan. Some LGBTQ, asexual and nonsexual people still desire to participate in a heterosexual family unit, either with children or without. Friendship marriage can allow people to enjoy companionship. They can have the support and economic advantages of a long-term partnership without a sexual connection with their marriage partner.
How is a friendship marriage different from that of a couple who marries for love?
The main difference between a friendship marriage and a marriage borne out of attraction is the decision to not have a sexual relationship with your spouse. In some relationships, sex is kept outside of the marriage following whatever boundaries that the partners put in place. For others, such as those with asexual and/or nonsexual partners, both people agree that they are not interested in pursuing sexual relationships either in the marriage or outside.
In either case, proponents say that many people are interested in a marriage without the ups and downs that can come with a long-term romantic and physical relationship. However, should feelings of romance or attraction develop elsewhere, they can perhaps more easily discuss it together and come to an agreement.
How do these couples organize their home life and live together? Do these couples have children?
While some couples marry but choose to live separately, the majority of couples share a home, with or without children. Some individuals in friendship marriages hope for a long-term partnership without children. Since friendship marriages usually sidestep sexual relationships, having children can be more complicated. However, if both partners hope to have a family, advances in reproductive technology, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), can help make this dream a reality.
The service agency Colorus, which helps to connect individuals hoping to find a partner for friendship marriage, found that 80% of its successful marriages result in cohabitation with a child while 15% cohabit without children and 5% live separately, with or without children. The agency also explains that almost all friendship marriages established using its services have used reproductive technology to conceive.
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16 Comments
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Tamarama
I forsee problems when one of those external sexual relationships begin to evolve into something a little more substantial.
At 1% of all marriages, its a very low number.
Abe234
Ok! So if this is a trend. Please provide facts figures and comparisons to previous years. Otherwise it’s just opinion and click bait.
as for the LGBTQ thing, it was going on for decades. The two ladies living down the road, or the two guys. Also I think you’re conflating cohabiting with friendship. People have been doing that for decades. We call it common law (wife/husband).oh yes the “friendship marriage “of a gay man and a gay women having kids, with or without technology. Again nothing new but a very nice euphemism.
DanteKH
Acute Introvertism, very low Testosterone levels on men and very low levels of Estrogen and Progesterone hormones on women, are also contributing factors.
Japanese people refere to the other on as "Partner", instead of Lover, Boyfriend, Sweethard, etc.
The Love is almost non-existent, and most of the couples used to get married out of interest, social pressure, obligations, anything else but pure Love.
Same thing on present times, however, when the money became scarce due to lower and lower living standards, the effect is fewer marriages, less children, etc, etc.
opheliajadefeldt
My girlfriend and I have been living together for a few years now and I suppose it coud be called a 'friendship' marriage, we are both asexual and have no interests in any sexual physical activities, it suits us both perfectly.
wallace
Plutonic relationships have existed since the beginning of time but they don't make for marriages and having kids. Sex and love are a vital part of a close relationship. We are made for it.
kohakuebisu
I lost interest when the story started talking about LGBT, not because of my feelings toward them but because they have been using marriage for alternative purposes (placate relatives, hide sexuality, get a visa when gay marriage is not recognized,....) for decades. This is not remotely new. Talking about "tomodachi kekkon" suggests this is a new societal development.
I'm still attracted to my wife. Our marriage has not had to survive "ups and downs" in me liking her as a woman. I don't think sex should be framed as something that can fracture a relationship when it can bring you together and help keep you together, see the expression "kiss and make up".
fallaffel
I would guess if it's a trend, it's just happening because it's becoming more accepted rather than because of any "new" thing that's different about the kids these days.
tigerjane
The last time I had relations was with my ex-fiancé and that was 16 years ago. I have no desire to be with another man after finding out I was pregnant, and I chose to keep our son and have been raising him on my own after this individual refused to recognize his own child because I did not want to marry his selfish behind.
Legrande
The immense financial cost of raising a child certainly plays a role.
Cephus
Marriage is meant for procreation, but that doesn't equate every marriage procreates. Some have struggled having children, and others are still struggling. I don't think legalizing a friendship make it stronger. A friend indeed is a friend in need.
Garthgoyle
Was gonna read but saw the alphabet soup acronym highlighted and, click-bait.
TheReds
Absolutely pathetic.
owzer
If you get married and your spouse is NOT your friend, you're gonna have a bad time.
OssanAmerica
Nothing wrong with marrying a friend. Isn’t that how any romance that leads to marriage start anyway? Marrying a partner who is not your friend is a divorce waiting to happen. Besides, sure beats arranged marriages.
owzer
Looks like there are a few unhappy married people out there! Too bad!
Gene Hennigh
Where is it written that marriage was meant for procreation? Some couples choose not to have children. Are they freaks? No. Where is it written that marriage was meant for people who love each other? There was a time (and in some countries this probably still goes on) when an older man is "given" a girl for marriage, without love being involved. There all kinds of marriages going on and this type of marriage has its advantages. Think about it. Sex, love, lust, and all the other things people get married for includes these and other types of marriages.