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Monogamy vs a bit on the side: What makes a person promiscuous?

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At our company's Christmas party last week, I saw two drunk office ladies practically throwing themselves at two guys, both of whom are married. I don't know if any hanky panky resulted. But to answer the question, I'd say people tend to stray because they are looking for something "fresh" to break up the monotony of monogamy, or they just get carried away by liquor.

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Actually, I have never understood the appeal of monogamy (or marriage). I think it is in the male DNA to want to have sex with as many women as possible. That's the way guys are "wired." Marriage has never appealed to me, either. I meet alluring women every week, and although I don't act on my impulses, I still can't imagine being tied down in a relationship with one woman. I'd always be wondering about the next woman that came along.

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What makes a person promiscuous?

Lack of self-respect and respect for one's partner.

No one wants a sandwich that someone else has taken a bite out of first. Actually, I have never understood the appeal of promiscuity. I think it is in the female DNA to want to have a stable relationship in which to raise a family. Males want to know that the kids they are raising are their own. That's the way people are "wired."

I feel sad for people whose steady relationship is so flawed they feel the need to play away from home. If you're single and not ready for the responsibility of an adult relationship, fine, enjoy yourself with others in the same situation. But once you've committed yourself, play by the rules.

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The "Law of the Jungle." Simple human nature. That's it...that's all.

S

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Men are hard wired to spread as much as they can. Biology rules which is why a man can make babies until he dies yet a woman has a limited shelf life before she 'rots'.

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The thrill of the chase and anticipation of how the night might end, the spontaneity of lovemaking - all make getting a bit on the side attractive. How many people married for a long time go home and practically tear each other's clothes off and make love on a kitchen table, a sofa, or wherever? For me, monogamy equals monotony.

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a man can make babies until he dies yet a woman has a limited shelf life before she 'rots'.

I bet you have 'em queuing up the street with a come-on like that.

Irresistible.

:-)

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Just the way people are wired. Making people rampantly promiscuous means that people seek out sex enough to ensure the survival of the species. When you think rationally about the time, money and effort people will go to just to get a bit, it seems totally stupid. But we still do it.

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Making people rampantly promiscuous means that people seek out sex enough to ensure the survival of the species.

Maybe that works for chimps and bonobos, but not for people; the ones seeking outside pleasures are usually also pretty keen about not reaping the harvest.

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The thrill of the chase and anticipation of how the night might end, the spontaneity of lovemaking - all make getting a bit on the side attractive.

This may be true in some cases, but I think what drives many men into the arms of women who are not their wives is that they suffer from "intimate isolation," that is they are alienated from family members whom they perceive as simply making demands on them.

I met no shortage of such types at conferences, away from home and temporarily freed from social constraints, it takes some willpower to say "No" sometimes. But that's the better course; affairs driven by the search for emotional intimacy tend to be quite destructive, to all parties.

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The desire to be promiscuous for men is genetic. There is a deep-seated primal desire for men to spread thier seed, and the denial of that is unnatural. In this day and age the disrespect comes in the hiding of the exploration of said desires. That's a little over-simplified, but it's the gist of it. I know of several successful relationships where the partners are completely honest about thier extra-marital trysts, usually employing a set of mutually agreed upon guidelines.

People are geneticaly hard-wired to continue the species through promiscuity. It's been that way since time immemorial. The fact that people don't need to be promiscuous anymore to continue the human race is only a testament to how effective it has been. Cleo, only in recent centuries has there been effective contraceptives. The human race for what, 3 million years has been obeying the biological imperative to have lots of sex. Do you think that somehow now that it's no longer required, we can just switch it off?

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for some people, polygamy should be allowable and formalised

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Indeed, two husbands for every woman, the next constitutional right.

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I wouldn`t necessarily say promiscuity was only hardwired into a mans DNA. Before you buy a car, you test drive lost of different makes and models to get a feel for what suits you. Why in the world would you not want to do that with a husband???!

C`mon girls, how many of us have seen a promising model, great body, purred like a kitten and then been sorely surprised once we get a look under the hood?!

And then once you are in a committed monogamous relationship, how hard it is to resist a compliment, a cosy chat, someone who actually LISTENS to you and values your opinion when hubby comes home every night stressed out and only wants to communicate with the remote.

You guys really don`t have as much a monopoly on this as you think you do...

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Let's not forget the ever-so-common "bait-and-hook" conn that many women (and yes, sometimes men) use when looking to tie a husband into married "bliss"... i.e. the all too commmon scenario of having an incredible girlfriend who absolutely loves to have sex, try new things, etc., only to become no longer interested in doing such things after tying the knot. Especially after they have children. When life turns into "Go to work, come straight home, don't get to do things you enjoy unless it's free, and no, you're not getting any" is it any surprise that some become attracted to the allure of an extra marital affair?

I think some posters are all too eager to point the finger at men as being "hardwired pigs" but are in complete denial that the wife could also contribute to driving the husband to look elsewhere. The same can be said for a husband that doesn't pay attention to his wife, driving her to look for affection elsewhere. Does that mean that women are hardwired to have an affair if they don't get the "princess treatment"?

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And then once you are in a committed monogamous relationship, how hard it is to resist a compliment, a cosy chat, someone who actually LISTENS to you and values your opinion

This part I can take or leave.

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C`mon girls, how many of us have seen a promising model, great body, purred like a kitten and then been sorely surprised once we get a look under the hood?!

Romance is predicated on not fully knowing or understanding the other person. The discovery stage is a lot of fun. The question is, can you make a go of it with the person after you've really gotten to know him/her?

In this era of delayed unions, that includes merging lifestyles. If somebody already has their life set-up with an established career, you must ask yourself, can I really be happy in this over the long haul? When confronted with that question the answer for me was "No." But had I said "Yes," I doubt it would have led me to embark on an affair down the road. Moreover, the prospects would have been dim; I would have been so miserable who would have been interested?

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Love All, Be Faithful...these are all spiritual calls, my simple advice to myself : "Be faith to one at a time" and have never felt guilty conscious so far !

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ooops...Be Faithful to...!

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Before you buy a car, you test drive lost of different makes and models to get a feel for what suits you. Why in the world would you not want to do that with a husband???!

Before you buy a car, yes. But once you've put your money down, got the keys and driven it away, the test-driving stops. It's not on to try your keys in someone else's ignition; test-driving then becomes car theft. Sordid, tacky pilfering.

All this 'I cheat because it's hard-wired into me, I'm nothing but a primitive animal and I can't control my urges' rubbish is nothing but an excuse for people who aren't happy in their relationship. And maybe it's part of why they aren't happy in their relationship. If you don't believe in monogamy in the first place, don't get into that kind of relationship.

.

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only in recent centuries has there been effective contraceptives.

Try since the 1960s, when the birth control pill was first marketed.

The biological imperative of men to impregnant as many females as possible of which you speak is tempered by the reality children must be financially supported, something only true in recent times (whether the parents are married or not).

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I'm not saying that the urges can't be controlled. I'm saying you can't deny they exist. People who can control the urges can and may find fulfilment in monogamy. It's funny that you liken cheating to car theft, since historically that's what adultery was akin to- the violation of a man's property. Consequently, it was accepted that men would go to prostitutes and such to slake his lust, but no such thing was proper for a woman since she was veiwed as little more than a man's plaything. Fortunately that kind of thinking is out-dated. One cannot deny the fact that we are animals and often instinct outweighs reason.

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I agree with the "hard-wired theory", like in animals but to me, being Human is also fighting the wrong animal aspect of our beings. So, we should control and live by the rules of society. All the hard-wired guys, you can live in muslim countries where polygamy is tolerated, if you don't fit society, change of it ;-)

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I'm not saying that the urges can't be controlled. I'm saying you can't deny they exist.

Good point, Anot.

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Lots of people who can control their urges are promiscuous anyway. They can control themselves but they choose not to.

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I'm not saying that the urges can't be controlled. I'm saying you can't deny they exist.

No one's denying they exist. Just saying that people who cannot or do not want to control their urges will be happier and cause less grief to others if they don't get themselves into a situation, like a marriage, where they will be expected to contain their urges.

There seems to be this idea that a man claiming his 'urges' are too strong to be controlled is somehow more masculine than the wimp who is faithful to his wife, that animal instinct outweighs human reason. This is rubbish. It isn't that his urges are stronger, just that his reason is weaker.

no such thing was proper for a woman since she was veiwed as little more than a man's plaything. Fortunately that kind of thinking is out-dated.

Rather, the man was keen to make sure that the kids he was paying to raise really were his, hence the taboo on wives playing around. That kind of thinking is not outdated at all - why do you think we have DNA testing to determine paternity claims?

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I always let a lass know up front that no one woman can satisfy me, and that the relationship will probably end due to my cheating. So let's just have some fun for a few months.

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Rather, the man was keen to make sure that the kids he was paying to raise really were his, hence the taboo on wives playing around.

This is why the system of matrilineal inheritance evolved. Property was passed not from a mother to her children but rather from her brother (who could be assured the recipients were his own flesh and blood, just not direct descendants).

I think female adultery is less common than male adultery, and that would apply to Jimmy Carter's famous acknowledgment that he had committed adultery "many times in my heart."

This is because men are more visually stimulated than women. I could meet the greatest looking guy, but if he can't make me laugh or think, I simply wouldn't have any interest in him.

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Bah.

There are plenty of women who cheat, and plenty of men who don't. Its foolish for people to assume just becasue they can't control themselves that others can't either. I'm willing to believe that a larger portion of men do for socio-biological reasons, however it really comes down to the individual: some people are "hard-wired" to be promiscuous and some are not. Furthermore, that impulse is just one of many factors which forms our characters, and people's personalities change over time.

In the end, there are simply some people who will never be satisfied. Truely, they are to be pitied.

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Making people rampantly promiscuous means that people seek out sex enough to ensure the survival of the species.

No, it doesn't. Natural selection doesn't give a rat's ass for the species. It cares about the survival of genes. What is good for the survival of a person or family ain't always good for the species as a whole.

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Ok, let me clarify. Being rampantly promiscuous is a favourable trait as far as passing on genes goes.

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Cleo I think you are twisting and contorting this desperately to suit your needs rather than attempt to discover the truth. It is most unlike you.

People seek to do things that give them pleasure. Some people derive pleasure by avoiding it, strange as that sounds. But even those people don't sit in the corner and do nothing about their desires. And life would not worth a lump of dung if we did sit in the corner and do nothing about our desires.

The purpose of marriage is to raise a stable family. Demanding sexual fidelity as part of that is simply unfair and not really necessary except where we consider irrational and selfish jealousy in the other partner. Realizing that, its the image of fidelity that is actually important.

I would say moderation and responsibility is the key here. I do not have a problem with married people having lovers. But I have a big problem with people who are reckless and excessive, and I don't hesitate to make my distaste known to them. I also don't hesitate to remind the promiscous to be careful and mindful of their partner's emotional and physical well-being.

The car analogy does not work because you don't own your spouse and people are not on equal footing with their cars. Besides, after some years you trade in your old car for a new one!

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I meant "the woman being veiwed as little more than a man's plaything" part is outdated, nothing else.

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That's it in a nutshell, Altria, although in some cultures it could backfire, especially if you're a woman.

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I could meet the greatest looking guy, but if he can't make me laugh or think, I simply wouldn't have any interest in him.

That's why I always bring nitrous oxide and Far Side cartoons on all my dates.

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I do not like fidelity. As a result I chose not to marry again. Its not fair for a woman to expect me to be faithful when I just will not. I do not care if I die alone. I am happy now not to be at someones beckoning.

I want to have fun with lots of woman and enjoy their company because woman bore me in a relationship but they are great companions to me in a dating sense.

I guess I like the thrill of the chase. Thats just me. I like the first kiss and the first night of passion. I hate it when things get routine and predictable.

The same goes with my job and friends and hobbies. I am always looking for something new and interesting. I lose interest in things easily and seek new things to enjoy life.

It would be nice to find a one true love to do these things together with but its a complete falsehood to imagine that such a thing could exist on that level apart from the relationship I have with my child which is watching him grow from one new phase to another. That enthralls me completely.

It would be nice to have a lover like that. Maybe then I could settle down.

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likeitis -

I don't think I'm twisting anything. I stately clearly that people who don't think they're up to monogamy are better off not getting themselves into a monogamous relationship. That surely suits their needs, not mine.

Personally I'm not interested in any man who would be willing to have a fling with a happily married lady. Or, as other posters have described themselves, apparently with some pride though I can't understand why, a primitive animal who is unable to control his urges. A big turn-off.

The purpose of marriage is to raise a stable family. Demanding sexual fidelity as part of that is simply unfair and not really necessary except where we consider irrational and selfish jealousy in the other partner.

What's unfair about it? If two people stand in front of the altar or the registrar or wherever and vow to build an exclusive relationship, what's unfair about expecting them to do just what they vowed to do? Why is is selfish to expect a person to respect the promises they made?

If people don't want to have that responsibility, they don't have to take the vows.

The car analogy does not work because you don't own your spouse and people are not on equal footing with their cars.

The car analogy wasn't mine in the first place, so I refuse to take any flack for it. Anyway, it works as far as it goes.

Besides, after some years you trade in your old car for a new one!

A trade-in is fine. It's the unauthorised joy-riding that's the problem.

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Cleo- animal instinct can preserve your life quicker than human reason, it is wise not to let the two duel either.

On topic for readers - Is life monogamous? Think about that one, your life may depend on it.

BTW - This is not an equal match up by the way and there is no such thing as a "bit on the side".

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In Nature/Reality there is no such thing as Monogamy. Just a word some human made up which is another social illusion based on television, books and fantasy - that is why it can never holds true.

Point being if you have thought about sleeping with someone else then that thought is symptomatic that you are not satisfied.

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Or, as other posters have described themselves, apparently with some pride though I can't understand why, a primitive animal who is unable to control his urges. A big turn-off.

why? your first experience was based on this whether with yourself or someone. No need to feel guilty about it or make people feel guilty about it. You are no better than anyone else here. why do you imagine to hold any type of moral high ground?

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I think it is different in Japan,particularly for foreign guys,who don't have family and friends to worry about concerning indiscretions.Making timid, non players galvanized in Japan like in the rest of Asia. The ones harping on about I'm all that are full of it and if they are getting any on the side,it's because they are a gaijin. Most decent women don't want sloppy seconds unless their self esteem is too low to care about. But as I was told a long time ago: "With the p**** comes the problems."

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In Nature/Reality there is no such thing as Monogamy

Absolutely not true. Male preying mantises are monogamous.

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Point being if you have thought about sleeping with someone else then that thought is symptomatic that you are not satisfied.

When I go out with my 18-year old teenage niece who has an eye-catching physique, it's hard not to notice the number of men who are checking her out in an almost involuntary fashion. Their eyes are just drawn to her. But I think very few would act on it (if they had the chance). They would exercise self-restraint.

Whereas with my nephew, who's a little older, girls his age and younger check him out. But I can't imagine women in their 30s-40s giving him the attention my niece gets from men that age group (and even older guys).

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When I go out with my 18-year old teenage niece who has an eye-catching physique, it's hard not to notice the number of men who are checking her out in an almost involuntary fashion

but your niece is hunting that supreme DNA whether she likes it or not. Its involuntary. She is just as much on the hunt as the men but she is more fussy. Guys will do anything (in general cases)and woman are looking for the biggest, strongest, dumbest, ape.

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but your niece is hunting that supreme DNA whether she likes it or not. Its involuntary. She is just as much on the hunt as the men but she is more fussy.

I have been concerned about the amount of make-up she puts on; though she certainly has a lot of other things going for her (which will carry her through life).

To use the car metaphor one last time, "women are on accelerated depreciation" as far as looks are concerned. Going down the plastic surgery route is just postponing the inevitable and, in the process, reveals deep insecurities. Best to develop talents and interests which improve with age that provide a much more satisfying basis for self-worth.

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your first experience was based on this

You have no idea what anybody's first experience was based on apart from your own.

It isn't a question of holding any high moral ground; simply common sense that if you're not ready for a monogamous relationship, not getting into one will save you and your partner a lot of unnecessary grief. Just like it's common sense not to buy a big expensive house until you're in a position to be able to keep up with the mortgage repayments.

woman are looking for the biggest, strongest, dumbest, ape

I can't think of a bigger turn-off.

if you have thought about sleeping with someone else then that thought is symptomatic that you are not satisfied.

Fair enough. So if I dream of having a big house with spacious grounds, ten dogs instead of two and the time and money to care for them, it's symptomatic that I'm not satisfied with what I've got. That could well be true. But that doesn't mean it would be a good thing for me to go and squat in someone else's stately home, or to give up my job and take over Batterseas Dogs' Home. You work with what you've got.

By the same token, I can have fantasies about George Clooney without needing (or wanting) to give in to my primitive animal urges.

Lucky George.

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Just like it's common sense not to buy a big expensive house until you're in a position to be able to keep up with the mortgage repayments.

Cleo, you are talking with a voice of wisdom and maturity, not with the voice of youth. Youth must have its fling and for sure you had yours.

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Youth must have its fling

Couldn't agree more. Fling away while you're young, and once you've promised to be monogamous, keep to your promise.

Monogamy is for growed-ups.

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Monogamy is for growed-ups

no its for those that have reached or attained your level of maturity. Here is the problem with women. They chase guys that are spreading their seeds left right and center, then complain when they cannot nail the guy down.

Here is the problem with men. They mature much later than women and want to spread their worm as long as they can before male menopause sets in which is a thing of the past thanks to Viagra.

There will never be a way to solve this issue. Its just anthropology 101.

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Bobbafett,

The problem is bachelors often complain women are primarily interested in landing someone who high income earning ability. Yet to impress you, they rely on exactly that.

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Go Mrs. Cleo! I support you ~^0^~

Monogamy is indeed for grown-ups. People can be past 59 years old and yet, still a teenager in mind and social expertise. A grown-up is in control of his body via their mind, not viceversa.

I think the main fear of those that reject (not disagree philosophically, but rather reject it from a visceral viewpoint) are simply afraid of commitment and the HUGE responsibility it represents. Indeed, a grown-up controls his or her own actions and owns up to them. THAT is the main ugly point some people seem to reject. Their partner's health (like, STDs delivered to their door including AIDS), peace of mind, the emotional health of possible children involved... There's a lot of things, not only economic duties. If a person knows themselves promiscuous off the bat, they ought not to get into a compromise with someone who hopes for something "meant to be" aka, stable and lasting.

Indeed, like Mrs. Cleo pointed out, if monogamy is not even in a person's plans, they ought not to get into a "committed" relationship like marriage or civil union, if they know from the start they will not honor the vows they are taking. It'd be responsible, even.

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A bit on the side is nothing new. Apparently, Prince Charles had more than one bit on the side. President Clinton, infamously, had a bit on the side. The late president of France, Mitterand, had an illigitimate child with a bit on the side. In fact, it seems less than normal not to have a bit on the side. I suspect that President Bush may be an excepttion to the norm.

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Old saying: A monogamous man is like a bear on a bicycle. It can be done, but the bear would much rather be running around in the forest.

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I always let a lass know up front that no one woman can satisfy me, and that the relationship will probably end due to my cheating. So let's just have some fun for a few months.

And then she says, "Just leave the money on the dresser."

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If two people stand in front of the altar or the registrar or wherever and vow to build an exclusive relationship, what's unfair about expecting them to do just what they vowed to do? Why is is selfish to expect a person to respect the promises they made? If people don't want to have that responsibility, they don't have to take the vows.

In Japan there is no altar, no vows: thats optional tacky stuff with a fake gaijin priest. Marriage is reduced to its basic civil union - a contract. You sign on the dotted line hand it in at the city office and youre done - its binding. If you want to make the whole vow thing, go ahead. If you don't have a common agreement of what is expected from eachother then why get married in the first place? You don't need vows to do that.

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Infants have their infancy. And adults have their Adultery.

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There has to by some gamy to mono or men will run as quick as they can to the nearest hen house.

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hellokitty. excellent proverb!

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The bonds of matrimony weigh heavy. It takes two to lift them, sometimes, three.

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I take a rather Buddhist view of men who flit from one woman to the next as stuck in some endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth.

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What makes a person permiscuous? Other promiscuous people. Welcome to an adult world where everyone like to get their freak on. Just because you say "I do" to one person doesn't mean you say "I don't" to others.

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The question should be, "What makes a person monogamous?"

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Whats with all the need to own your partner? I can't stand horomon, my wife does. She goes to enjoy what she likes with people that seem to enjoy it and then comes home and shares the rest of her life with me. Sometimes I go out and play and then come home and enjoy our lives and family together. Whether someone does that with their clothes on or off is irrelevant. If you are not adult enough to have an adult relationship, then dont get married and create a personal hell for you and the person you claim to love. Now before you get too high n mighty with me, remember that David, the man that God loved, Gods annointed had many wives and concubines and his father, also annointed had a thousand concubines... God is far more concerned what you do outside of the hotel rather than what you do inside.

A gaijin but ordained pastor

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What makes a person promiscuous?

Society and morality. Those or rather, the person him/herself.

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if only all christians were as lenient as god, or even better pastor hakujinhsensei. adultery is ok and women have sex to further their position financially or emotionally! hallelujah!

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