crystel comments

I have problem here with my japanese boyfriend. He just doesnt take communication as the golden things. I dont ask him to stick with me 24hour, but maybe if he can manage time ,being fair and equal, i wouldnt end up text him like this. It seem like im not number one or two nor any number , im just no place in his heart. It seem like im the only one working. No i dont want his money, i want love and care.

And if he cant being fair and equal enough for his friends and me then i know , there will be no time for family/us in future when he is working and going out with friends. And i dont wanna be with someone who cannot being mature and manage time better.

Because when he go out with friend, he give 100% attention to friend , when you play , he 100% play and never ever give me attention and he lost me, but i guess he dont realise it. He dont go out with friend 24hours right.

School havent start, there is no homework yet, i dont get why there is no time for me. We talking about managing time, not forcing him to be with me 24hours. If he say he cant spend time with friend anymore after i come back, then that is crazy, because i was and never like that, we were good when we together, you wanna go play skate ? Futsal? Lunch with friend? Whatever else? I didnt stop. Remember i have friend too, if he go out with his friends, either i wait him or i hangout with my friends too. Remember i hangout too. 

Maybe if he didnt ignore when i told him how i was in pain , i was this and that, maybe things will not happen. If he choose to care , maybe things will not happen. And dont say i was too much right now , because each day, i decide to find him only at night because that is the time where he were mostly free , but no , text was ignored and he just turn out talk about another things. 

Did he get boring deal with me? He said idk , it was meaning by 50/50 my brother said. And all because he get boring for me being like this when cleary he is the one decide to throw his responsibility as a boyfriend. He should have more better than managing time than me , he should have know "i have to be equal, half for friends half for gf" . Sometimes we both too harsh and end up get hurt, he were running away after the argument and he were trying to avoid solve it. But remember who say "dont run away. You need to solve things , if you run things will not happen and change" .

Think of this, so far he would say "please understand me" , did he understand mine too? If no, how can i understand his too. Where is the fair.

When we first meet i told him i am different , he may feel stress or feel troublesome being with me , i told him my dark secret and he choose to stay with me , he said

" dont worry, i dont mind , i will stay by your side , we will fight together , i dont care" 

Did he forget? Yes i am troublesome , and i told him before "if you feel that you cant deal with me , with this kind of person, you still have time to leave me and go away"

But he choose to stay , which i used all my energy, my trust to accept him. I trust him, no matter how bad is it, we solve it and understand each other like before. I trust it no matter how bad is it, even we have to take time to be silent and being apart , i still believe that we still can talk after that. 

Because i take so many courage to be brave , to trust , to love , to care and to give everything again to people and he dont know how much courage i take. I lost sleep just to decide to give him and people chance or not. He dont know how scare and trembling i am , everynight thinking how to deal people outside. But today , its very painful. I dont know how to deal anymore , i dont know how to trust anymore. As much as i give many love, as much as painful i get from giving.