Ikealand comments

Posted in: Husbands who take active role in family life have more loving wives: study See in context

Wow! What a shock it was to find this article and a relief to know that I am not the only one. Well it wasn't actually the article itself but some of the comments that have been left about their abusive wives. I too have suffered in an awful marriage (I'm married to a Japanese wife) who not only used to verbally abuse me but physically as well :( I can completely understand and sympathize with what some of you guys are going through right now!!! But there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel that I have been incredibly lucky in how my misfortune has slowly started to change more towards fortune but it has been an incredibly slow, painful, heartbreaking and torturous three years of my life. One which has seen me have panic attacks and feel knots in my stomach at the thought of going home after work to such an awful and abusive environment. To cut a long story short, my problems have eased considerably with moving back to the UK from Tokyo in 2011 and having my wife seen by our local GP who recommended anti depressants and counselling sessions which have recently just finished. Don't get me wrong, getting my wife to the doctors and encouraging her to take the medicine in the first place was a long hard battle but one which I am glad I persevered with :) She has changed a lot over the past year and has a much better outlook on life now but I am lucky in a sense because I had strong support from our doctor and also my family. Having somebody to tell all your problems to is a huge relief and help, which I didn't have when we were living in Tokyo. As the article mentions and from what other posters have said it all started to occur shortly after getting married and my wife falling pregnant. We found out that we were to have a baby in January 2010 and within two months the physical violence had started to slowly creep into our lives (before this I would never have expected this to happen). As you do, you think it won't happen again or its just her hormones affecting her thinking and it will pass but sadly it continued long after my daughter was born in late 2010. I had seriously thought about packing my bags and leaving but when you know that part of you is growing in your wife's womb you cannot force yourself to leave. Well, I couldn't although it crossed my mind many times!!! The physical violence continued with mental abuse on a weekly basis which slowly spread to every day or so. I have been slapped, punched, kicked in the privates, bitten (still have the scars on my back, stomach and legs), hit with hammers, wrenches, stabbed with scissors and had knives thrown at me. Just as bad was the dressing downs I would get in public if I didn't agree with her plans! Once when I tried to walk away from her in Yamada Denki because I become tired of being treated like a dog, she shouted that I had stolen money from her and I actually had members of the J public trying to do a citizens arrest. They soon realised that something was not right when my wife started speaking English to me, to which they soon walked away and left us :( The thing that makes this all the more worse is watching your baby daughter wandering around the house while all this is happening crying her eyes out and wanting me to cuddle her from the scary monster. But if I did try and cuddle and console her my wife would grab her out of my arms. This sort of behaviour destroys you emotionally and even now when I think back to it I start to get hot and flustered. It was heart wrenching to watch your child endure such terror. To cut a long story short I eventually discovered that her family upbringing is to blame. My wife would watch her mother abusing her husband and my wife just thought it was normal behaviour. Slowly and I mean very slowly she has realised that her mother is a complete pyscho and is far from the norm (but obviously her behaviour comes from her environment as a child). As one poster mentioned early about checking out a potential Jap wife, it would be advisable to enquire very thoroughly about her upbringing and what her parents are like. It is a preview of what your life will be like in the future. But of course every situation is different so I'm not sure if the way I went about it would work for you but it might be worth a try not only for your marriage but for the future of your child (children). However, I was determined to stop this family tradition from re-occuring long into the future. and to give my child a fighting chance of a normal upbringing in caring and loving environment with no violence. The ironic thing is that when my wife was not angry she was a great mother All I can hope for now is that her problems don't come back to haunt both myself and my daughter sometime in the future! Good luck to all of you out there who are currently suffering in abusive relationships (whether male or female). You are not alone out there and a problem shared is a problem halved but if you stay in Japan your options are severely hampered. If you can return to your own country and try and get help for your wife (or husband) maybe it might help to resolve your problems. Lets hope so! All the best and I know that my comment is a little late but I feel all the better for it :)

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