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Letters From Japan: 'We’re dating, but he won’t let me call him my boyfriend. Is something wrong?'

17 Comments
By Hilary Keyes

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Hi, Hilary—Why Won’t He Let Me Call Him My “Boyfriend”?

I’ve lived in Japan for four years, and have been with my Japanese boyfriend for almost half that. At least I think he’s my boyfriend. I’m not exactly sure what we are to one another. We go on dates, he sleeps over at my place, I go to his, we know each other’s friends and we all spend time together (where we’re obviously a couple), but when I call him my boyfriend, he tells me not to use that word—kareshi (boyfriend), specificallyabout him. I asked him why not, and he said he didn’t feel comfortable with that word but got upset when I asked what to call him instead. We’re still together, but I don’t know what we are to one another. We do everything that couples do, so…?”

What Are We?

Dear, What Are We?

I can tell how frustrated you must be with this situation, and I understand how you feel. I’ve been there before, and it can make what seems like the perfect relationship feel strange if you think about it too much.

There are thousands of sites and magazines out there, each with its own criteria for what constitutes a “real” boyfriend or girlfriend. But I don’t think that’s the issue here. You two go on dates, have a physical relationship and spend time as a couple. You didn’t mention anything about exclusivity to one another, but I get the impression that this is implied from your message. I think it’s safe to say that he is your boyfriend, and you are his girlfriend.

Trying to define a relationship status like you would on Facebook isn’t clear-cut for many people—Japanese or not. A girlfriend, whether called ga-rufurendo (ガールフレンド) in katakana or kanojo (彼女) in kanji means the same thing, so there isn’t an issue with the terminology itself.

My Japanese partner has his own hang-ups about the words “boyfriend” and “kareshi.” He thinks the terms should only apply to middle school or high school relationships and maybe casual university ones. He often tells me that as we get older, we should be equal and mature enough to call each other partners.

In terms of official documents, you are either single (未婚, mikon, single) or (既婚, kikon, married) regardless of whether or not you’re in a committed relationship.

That tends to be how many of the Japanese men I spoke to see it—even if you are technically a couple, you aren’t married, and therefore, your relationship isn’t strictly definable by legal means.

Your Japanese partner might object to the label “boyfriend” because he feels like what you are to one another is obvious enough not to require defining. He might not be rushing out to make anything legally binding, but he’s obviously invested in your relationship. I think you should focus instead on why you feel the need to put a label on your relationship. Why does it bother you that he dislikes the word kareshi/boyfriend, when there is nothing to suggest that he is anything but?

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© Savvy Tokyo

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17 Comments
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Advice: Date a guy who wants to be your boyfriend.

13 ( +15 / -2 )

yes

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

Wasn't this previously published?

3 ( +6 / -3 )

There is a emotional dysfunctionality both J men/women that on this occasion makes it difficult, seemly impossible to maintain healthy relationship.

Imagine "we are married but he won't let me call him my husband".

Either call the bonkers bus, or run for cover and close the hatch.

He has more than a few pages stuck together.

8 ( +9 / -1 )

I had a conversation with private English class - all middle aged women - about the words boyfriend and girlfriend a few years back.

They all seemed to think the words were a little childish for adults to use.

They said as is stated in the article that it's a kind of school age thing.

Not so sure if that's universal in Japan.

But I'd be wary if I was the woman in that situation.

The guy is in an international relationship and as such, needs to have a more broader and flexible understanding of things.

Being hard on such a minor thing could indicate stricter times ahead. Maybe.

11 ( +11 / -0 )

Date me girl...you can call me stupid as long as we are "gettin, it on !!!"

-7 ( +4 / -11 )

This is a "lukewarm" relationship. He doesn't want any responsibility at all.

7 ( +10 / -3 )

Didnt they there was still against aunts about, lol

-9 ( +0 / -9 )

Someone's feelings about a word should not take precedence over their partner's emotional needs. She wants him to use this word for the comfort and validation it brings. She is persisting with it because he must not be offering here comfort and validation in other ways. Whatever unspoken stuff he is doing mustn't be working.

As browny1 suggests, if he is not prepared to lose this battle, I'm sure there will be many other battles he doesn't want to lose. Like it or not, international relationships are more likely to involve culture-based battles.

For someone dating for two years, this does not sound excessively needy from her.

-3 ( +2 / -5 )

She sounds like a needy individual to me. He's better off without her, because who knows where her petty demands will end?! She's been reading too many romantic books.

If the shoe were on the other foot (うちの家内 etc.)she wouldn't like that either. Why doesn't she just call him and refer to him by name?

-5 ( +3 / -8 )

Just ask if you are tsukiatteru or not and go based off that. It's funny how a Japanese man feels about being called "boyfriend" or "kareshi" and perceives that as childish, but is completely fine with calling their wives "mamma".

-1 ( +5 / -6 )

Yes, I have found out that calling someone "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" in Japan is considered, for some stupid silly reason, childish.

Instead Japanese people prefer the word "Partner", which doesn't work for me at all, since it brings a very flat, business like connotation and it doesn't ring romantic at all.

-10 ( +2 / -12 )

The letter writer says she asked what he wanted to be referred to as and the guy just got upset. He could have just said "partner" or whatever alternative to "boyfriend" was acceptable to him based on his culture.

Not knowing if someone is your friend's boyfriend or just someone they know can make for awkward social situations. Larry David would be all over this.

4 ( +5 / -1 )

He's probably gay.

-8 ( +2 / -10 )

Every once in a while we have a girls night out Izakaya once or twice late Karaoke.

There is the customary husband boyfriend angst 'n' agony.

Seriously, some of the wild weirdness rollercoaster relationship, jaw-dropping ramblings are deranged bordering on bizarre unhinged.

Some stated with wild eye bunny boiling "how dare he very much".

Girls are from Venus, Boys are from Mars.

I just put it down to natures sometimes twisted sense of humour.

-5 ( +0 / -5 )

He is not serious. Propose marrige to him. Watch him run and win gold.

-3 ( +0 / -3 )

falseflagsteve

Didnt they there was still against aunts about, lol

There are either too many or too few words in that sentence.

1 ( +1 / -0 )

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